Why do married folks need to feel like

[xxoo]

I am specifically asking about married people because they already have a spouse of the opposite sex confirming that they are attractive.

 

A spouse can confirm that they are attractive, but may not. Some spouses/marriages suck.

 

Some people will never be satisfied with any amt of attention. Ultimately, satisfaction comes from within.

 

Speaking for myself, I feel that it's a bigger accomplishment to keep a partner attracted and interested over time than to attract new attention, so I value the attention of my partner over any other attention.

[introverted1]

They still got it?

 

Why isn't the validation they receive from their spouse enough? Afterall, their spouse IS someone if the opposite sex.

 

I am genuinely curious....

 

What behavior(s) are you observing that make you think married people need to feel like "they still got it"?

[basil67]

I am specifically asking about married people because they already have a spouse of the opposite sex confirming that they are attractive.

 

What makes you believe that all spouses confirm that the partner is attractive?

 

Have you not seen all the posts from people who's husband/wife does not want sex with them? Who ignores them or treats them with disdain?

[GunslingerRoland]

Similar to what RecentChange said, when you're in a relationship, you can't really take compliments at face value anymore. That is your family, they have to say nice things about you. They say the face only a mother could love, but it's the same with your spouse. Hence why most people say they'd stay with their spouse if they were disfigured in an accident.

 

 

So it's not unusual for almost everyone to expect some level of validation outside of that. It's just finding appropriating means to get that validation is where many people myself included have crossed the line.

[Doublegold]

I was married for 27 years, and I always knew I was a beautiful person in a visual way to others but I never in my life felt the need/want to be told so. That being said--every morning my husband told me I was beautiful, in social settings if my physical appearence was remarked upon to him in my company he would say "XXYY is beautiful in every way". Once years and years back we attended a social event and I had cut my hair from my waist to my ears--some of the females were saying "What do you think of XXYY's new short hair" as if it changed who I WAS. His reply--"XXYY's face is the most beautiful face to me the length of her hair is irrelevant". I always remembered that .

 

I never needed or encouraged that sort of attention.

Edited March 10, 2016 by Doublegold

[WaitingForBardot]

Your question makes it sound as if there is something wrong with [ me | my wife | my marriage ] because I am flattered when women show an interest in me. It's almost as if you think I should feel bad about it..., but I don't...

[xxoo]

Similar to what RecentChange said, when you're in a relationship, you can't really take compliments at face value anymore. That is your family, they have to say nice things about you. They say the face only a mother could love, but it's the same with your spouse. Hence why most people say they'd stay with their spouse if they were disfigured in an accident.

 

Actions over words, maybe?

 

I don't find it difficult to know that my husband is genuinely attracted to me. It's pretty clear! As is my attraction to him

[ShatteredLady]

Sorry, by "They've still got it" I thought you meant that they could still pull?!?! I thought you were talking about things like getting dressed-up for GNO & really flirting & leading on other men to prove that "They've still got it".

 

I think that's pathetic & wrong. We 'were' never like that. We would clean-up nice for eachother but we were happy going out in old jeans & t's & never noticing or caring if we were being admired.

 

I never saw 'that' look, lingering smile, twinkle eyes, saying a little more than is needed to a waitress, responding to coy smiles etc before mid-life & during our 'events'.....

 

Of course it's human nature to appreciate flattery but that's different from going out to PROVE that "you've still got IT"...

 

Maybe it's a translation English thing

[gettingstronger]

Some people just have esteem issues and need excessive validation. The ones you ask about just happen to also be married.

[sandylee1]

Validation from my husband is MOST important. I don't need validation from any other man, but of course it's nice to receive complements about my hair or cloths.... but I enjoy receiving complements from anyone.

 

I can look in the mirror and within myself to know I've still got it.... so I don't personally need validation.

 

I complement and praise my husband a lot too and he likes it ..... he does need validation from me.

[GoodOnPaper]

I am specifically asking about married people because they already have a spouse of the opposite sex confirming that they are attractive.

 

You'd think it would work this way but not necessarily. I think establishing your self-image as attractive or not attractive happens independently of, and usually long before, whether you're married or not. Also, we'd like to think that the infatuation and relationship bonding aspects of a marriage completely overlap but my experience is that one cannot entirely compensate for the other.

 

Growing up a science nerd in the '80s, it didn't take long to figure out that I was considered very inferior in the dating world. Attraction was always a struggle and I certainly couldn't hope for the kind of intense want-to-rip-your-clothes-off mutual infatuation that I thought I needed to validate me as a "normal" man. But I figured that if someone wanted to be with me enough to marry me, I could experience everything those guys who were good at attracting women did -- it's just that it would be with one woman instead of many, and that was fine with me.

 

My wife was the first girl I met who really wanted an LTR with me, but for the first time in my life I was in a situation where I was the one who was conflicted. We ended up marrying and have great compatibility and we have great kids. Her "relationship attraction" for me is off the charts but, at least for me, the physical part has never been as open as I had hoped - but I don't think she's intentionally being manipulative or anything like that. Much like I have a lot of "nice guy" issues, she has a lot of weight-related insecurities and inhibitions. This kind of thing is pretty common:

 

Besides, it doesn't feel the same coming from a spouse. I tell my wife all the time that she's beautiful, or those jeans fit perfect, or her hair looks great or whatever. It's usually met with a " Meh...I'm fat...I'm ugly...wahhh"

 

Of course, I'm not good at accepting compliments either.

 

So . . . I'm still left missing the validation that I was hoping marriage would take care of. And in this day and age, one's masculinity is measured by how easily you attract women, even if you are married. It's very frustrating that being the "responsible family man" just makes me feel that I'm viewed as asexual and weak.

[RRM321]

It is normal to want to feel attractive to the world at large. A spouse is sort of like family and so they don't see us the same way the general public does. Of course people are happy that there spouse finds them attractive but the spouse's opinion is tinted by their feelings. Just like most parents think their own kids are the cutest kids ever.

 

I think too often confuse 'validation' to mean sexual or a physical acknowledgements, a kind of: "proof of residency."

 

I think an important human needs include the need to be seen, to be known, and to contribute (to be valued for our place in the world.)

 

This accounts for those people who are fulfillment without sex, as well as the importance of meaningful work in one's life. We know that having meaningful work is a key ingredient to a happy life free of depression - so, I think 'validation' while often masked or confounded in sexual exploration - is really about something much more basic.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

I agree with a lot of the posts here. If my mom tells me I'm a handsome man, it doesn't mean anything for me. I don't feel anything... "Thanks mom"

 

If I'm out somewhere and I notice a girl just noticing me. She doesn't even have to speak a word to me, just the ol "up down" look. Well I feel that. It feels good.

 

I didn't seek it out, but I'm not going to lie and say it doesn't make me feel better about myself.

 

Now I'll give you a different scenario. We have been together long enough to experience different phases in our sex life. In my marriage I initiate nearly all of the sex. If you were with someone for say 3 years and they never once initiated sex, what do you think that would do to your self esteem and feeling of being attractive to others? Well for me it made me feel ugly and undesirable. Now under this mindset, when I went out with buddy's or to a neighborhood bar by myself for a drink and noticed a woman checking me out. Or even once I was approached at the bar cause she "just had to come talk to me" imagine how that made me feel in that moment! I don't think I was seeking anything, but I might have been more mindful of others attention to me at that point. I would notice a girl noticing me more at this point in my life. Even if I was miss reading it to feel like they were checking me out. Looking back I don't think I would have been approached if I wasn't giving off some sort of "approach me" vibe. I wanted to be apprached, wanted to feel attractive. Perhaps I was seeking it after all. Nothing happened with girl. But yes, I let her stroke my ego for a good 5 minutes before I told her I was happily married.

 

Fast forward a couple years and talks about our sex life. Now she initiates I'd say 1 in 5 times. We're talking the ol "jump my bones" routine. I need

that. Even if she had to fake it at first, cause it just wasn't her way or maybe she didn't feel comfortable with it at first. Now that she is, when I see that sheer desire in her eyes, damn it's a turn on like crazy. I feel good about myself again and I feel attractive and desired. In this mindset, I might not even notice if a girl checked me out at the bar. Or if I do, it doesn't mean nearly what it did years before. It still feels good of course. I just don't need it like I did before. Again, I doubt I would even be approached in this mindest. And if so, it certainly wouldn't result in me relishing in the ego stroke.

 

If you have a need and your partner is not meeting it, then well, I can see why people would seek the outside validation to feel attractive. It will vary on the person of course. And as I've shown, it could simply vary on the situation they find themselves in at the moment. At some points in my life I've felt the need to feel attractive to other women. At other points I haven't.

Edited March 11, 2016 by T-16bullseyeWompRat

[Rejected Rosebud]

There is nothing wrong with enjoying it when you know you're attractive to people other than your spouse. Seeking it, though, is a different thing. There have been a few posts lately where married people have been flirting on purpose for "validation" along with posting heaps of revealing sexy pics online. That seems wrong to me. I wouldn't do either and I would feel really bad if my guy did.

[MightyPen]

Well said, T-16. I concur.

 

I think the difference boils down to what we want.

 

The adoring partner can give a biased opinion based on love/affection, but he/she is NOT generally giving us an entirely honest appraisal. It's like telling your child, "Oooooh I love the artwork you brought home today. It's so....colorful! Is that a duck or an airplane?" Those who love us will shade the truth when it comes down to this sort of thing.

 

With strangers or even work/casual acquaintances, you get more of an objective assessment. Sometimes people want the objective assessment and not the "your artwork is so colorful!" comment.

[Popsicle]

A MARRIED person shouldn't be fishing and I really don't care what their whiny reason is.

[RecentChange]

Just curious popsicle, have you been married or in a long term relationship before?

 

And where are the lines drawn?

 

I assume you have an issue with flirting, but what about dressing attractively etc?

 

Where is the line between staying HOT for your husband, and avoiding attracting others?

 

I am no angel, and I know I have walked on the wrong side of this - but on the other hand I see your posts and get the impression that married folk should present themselves in some sort of chaste manner that wouldn't dare garner the attention of the opposite sex.

[Rejected Rosebud]

Just walking around reveling in your own fabulousness is not wrong at all, and most of us are even kind of proud when our loved one is seen as attractive by others.

 

Needing that validation seems to be a pretty big character weakness to me - and seeking it? Just weak and very wrong.

[Popsicle]

Recentchange, I was married for 15 years (there was no infidelity).

 

PS- I meant to say it above but you know I could never hate you.

[Rejected Rosebud]

With strangers or even work/casual acquaintances, you get more of an objective assessment. Sometimes people want the objective assessment and not the "your artwork is so colorful!" comment.

But ... why would one want the "objective assessment" of their sexual attractiveness from strangers and work acquaintances when they're married? That seems to me to show a serious lack, of what I'm not really sure, in a person's make-up.

 

I do understand how it can come to that, when somebody's desirability is consistently undermined by their spouse. It's a slippery slope. If that's the case though it needs to be addressed at home, not by seeking sexual attention from others outside the marriage!! :eek: I'm surprised that anybody would even defend this.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

But ... why would one want the "objective assessment" of their sexual attractiveness from strangers and work acquaintances when they're married? That seems to me to show a serious lack, of what I'm not really sure, in a person's make-up.

 

I do understand how it can come to that, when somebody's desirability is consistently undermined by their spouse. It's a slippery slope. If that's the case though it needs to be addressed at home, not by seeking sexual attention from others outside the marriage!! :eek: I'm surprised that anybody would even defend this.

 

And sometimes it takes years to work through an issue. And in the mean time people find ways of coping with their pain. I was not out banging chick's or flirting it up with every girl at work, or approaching women, or even starting conversations with other women. I never went to the bar with intentions of chasing anything. But I did pay extra attention to see if I in fact was noticeable. And the lack of character trait you are looking for is self love. If I love myself, I don't need anyone else's validation for anything because I'm already enough for myself. Which I'm not... but I'm working on it

[xxoo]

A MARRIED person shouldn't be fishing and I really don't care what their whiny reason is.

 

I agree with you!

 

Of course we all appreciate getting looks at times, but to be seeking that sort of validation from others as a married person is messed up.

 

And I can't understand the assertions that a spouse's opinion is somehow less valid or sincere. I didn't marry my mom I married a person who is sexually attracted to me!

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

I agree with you!

 

Of course we all appreciate getting looks at times, but to be seeking that sort of validation from others as a married person is messed up.

 

And I can't understand the assertions that a spouse's opinion is somehow less valid or sincere. I didn't marry my mom I married a person who is sexually attracted to me!

 

What happens when their sexual attraction to you comes into constant question? For years and years in fact. What happens then? Even when addressed with your spouse how they are making you feel. Do you simply give up quickly? I personally found a means of coping that I could live with all the whIle keeping faith that we would work through that issue. It took years, but we got through it. I'm not sorry for choosing to cope in the manner that I did.

 

For the record I'm not trying to argue that that it's OK for people to seek sexual attractions outside their own marriage. I'm simply telling you what I did, and why. I'll let the judgement fall where it may.

[xxoo]

What happens when their sexual attraction to you comes into constant question? For years and years in fact. What happens then? Even when addressed with your spouse how they are making you feel. Do you simply give up quickly? I personally found a means of coping that I could live with all the whIle keeping faith that we would work through that issue. It took years, but we got through it. I'm not sorry for choosing to cope in the manner that I did.

 

For the record I'm not trying to argue that that it's OK for people to seek sexual attractions outside their own marriage. I'm simply telling you what I did, and why. I'll let the judgement fall where it may.

 

In more than 20 years of marriage with kids, we've had challenges like everyone else. We confront issues head on, and have come out stronger each time. I don't know what I'd do if I married someone who avoided issues in the marriage. Well, I wouldn't have married someone like that because my confrontation during dating would've broken us up.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

In more than 20 years of marriage with kids, we've had challenges like everyone else. We confront issues head on, and have come out stronger each time. I don't know what I'd do if I married someone who avoided issues in the marriage. Well, I wouldn't have married someone like that because my confrontation during dating would've broken us up.

 

So you are saying every one of your issues gets resolved within days? I envy you. Indeed many of our issues were solved in a day or two. Some took months, while a few took years. I wish all of our issues were quick and easy to solve, regardless of approach. Sometimes we both apprached things from the wrong angles, and it took several different attempts to solve them with several different approaches from both sides. This particular issue took us a while. Like you, we are stronger for havineg gotten through it together.