Painful time in personal life

[NJ65]

Guys,

 

I am going through terrible time in my personal life. I live and work in Australia for few years. My parents married me to a girl of their choice last summer, ever since then my life has all but turmoil. Actually, I was in relationship before my marriage and did not want to marry another woman except her, however my family at a time of marriage created such an environment, where I had to take a call on this marriage, or else death in our family was nearly inevitable even my parents threatened me to commit suicide had I not approach for this marriage. I was abused, slapped and insulted by my family just to get marriage done by any means.

 

Before my marriage, my wife made lot of commitments to my family and they had excellent relationship, when I asked her before marriage that we have lot of disagreements in our family for this marriage, she said marriage has to take place due to preparation were done.

 

My wife came to know everything after my marriage about my relationship, she could not adjust with my parents and started fighting with me and complaining me about my family, she slowly started pushing my weak buttons with her anger and tough language. One day she told me I have to choose either my family or her and when I disclosed this to my family, they were shocked. My family suggested me to get separated from my wife but I denied as I did not want to spoil her life even though I am not happy in this marriage, but I did not know my family has dual face, On front they showed sympathy and regret for their decision on this marriage but on my back, they even were willing to beg my wife and send her with me here in Australia at any cost as they were more scared of legal matters, their pride and their reputation in society.

 

Now,after knowing this today me and my family have no contacts with each other. My wife doesn't have any contact with them either. She is in India right now and in process for Australia visa in upcoming months while she works there in her hometown. She still keeps complaining me about my family and asks me for financial help.

 

I had lot of struggle in career and in financial situation, had a huge debt with government here, Car accident, Robbery at home almost every thing happened to me in last 6 months, when I told everything to my wife to have some patience and give me some time - She was very angry and said I need to solve my own problems. Now, my wife/in laws want to get visa process done for her in short time OR they asked, I need to leave Australia and settle back home with her. She has backup of her family, while I have No one to stand by me in this situation.

 

I feel very lonely, depressed and anxiety over few days, today I feel I lost everything in my life and whatever relations are there they only for survival. No friends, No family No relations, sometimes I feel to give up this life with so much frustration.

 

If possible please share your thoughts where should I go.

Thank you.

[d0nnivain]

If you & your wife are not living together in Australia, perhaps try having her move to you. An arranged marriage has to be very difficult but to be a continent away isn't helping.

 

 

When she gets there talk to her calmly. Explain she was all for this & she knew about your family, she supported them when they were pressuring you to marry her so it's unfair for her to demand you abandon them now.

 

 

Also get some marriage counseling.

[NJ65]

Dear Donnivain,

 

Thank you for your kind reply, however post marriage my time has been such that life has become full mess. First the marriage took place in most painful manner against my wish, second my wife's angry nature and at a time she pushed my weak buttons exactly how my parents did and lastly my professional life screwed up post marriage with struggle and financial debt.

 

Now on top, my family has silently walked away from my life and situation leaving me to go through whatever time and deal with whatever be situation. My wife and in laws have their own conditions and they need to meet anyhow. Now my situation today is such if I feel panic pressure, I have no one to talk about or stand by me.

 

My wife doesn't show any moral or any other support to me in any manner. She only wants to hear about things she feels comfortable, She just wants to be with me here in quick time and no one else should be there except us. I never asked any financial support from my wife/in laws but expected moral support as such patience for visa, control anger etc, but she doesn't have even that too offer.

[d0nnivain]

. My family suggested me to get separated from my wife but I denied as I did not want to spoil her life even though I am not happy in this marriage, but I did not know my family has dual face, On front they showed sympathy and regret for their decision on this marriage but on my back, they even were willing to beg my wife and send her with me here in Australia at any cost as they were more scared of legal matters, their pride and their reputation in society..

 

 

Your family said they would support ending the marriage. You are not happy. This woman is not the life mate you want. So just end it.

 

 

Meanwhile get some therapy so you can recover from the other terrible things that have happened.

[DreamP]

NJ65, I am sorry to hear your situation. But what I've noticed in your post is that you are wallowing in self pity and depressed. You are not open to taking suggestions. You don't want to change anything even though you don't like anything the way it is.

 

The first thing you need to do is look at yourself. Pull yourself out of this self-pitying and decide to be an adult. You need to live your live, not your parents. You need to decide whether you can live with this woman or not. Basically, you don't seem to want to make any decisions. Life is not going to fix it self up. You need to do it. You need to take a stand because it seems like you don't have anybody else to help you. You can either swim or sink. Which do you chose?

[NJ65]

Guys, thank you for your comments.

 

You are very true that I am not taking approach to make changes in my life, though I have many reasons for that.

 

Ending Marriage is no solution and it is not easy as well considering laws in India. My financial condition is also not strong that might support me if any legal matters take place in future from my wife. Second, my parents and family would never want to face any such legal complications which may hurt their image and ego in society. If they can almost kill me for this marriage to take place, they can do anything to make sure marriage goes smooth doesn't matter I am happy or not. If my happiness would have mattered, this marriage did not take place in first moment.

 

My family has been playing with my mind more often try to read what goes in my mind and my intentions, if I tell them anything which goes against their will, they become different people second moment. This has been happening to me even before marriage and their this kind of behavior gives me pain everyday when I cry.

 

Since my wife now knows about my past everything, behavior of my parents and of course this is 21st century where every person first thinks about self than rest including husband wife parents, She likes me and looking at my situation, my weak spots- she would never leave me, after all she is going to have independent life and independent family after few months, she is well aware of that.

 

No matter how much damage is been done, Support of family matters the most in difficult situations for their kids otherwise life becomes hell and full of dark clouds. I realize this every moment when I don't have anyone in my life.

[mrs rubble]

There must be other Indians in Australia who've been pressured into arranged marriages that you can reach out to and talk this through with.

 

One of my Indian friends was deeply unhappy with their arranged marriage and did attempt suicide (unsuccessfully fortunately) but they did end up getting divorced. Another resisted for years but eventually settled on the parents choice and is not unhappy today but not thrilled either. If I can talk to my Indian friends about this, then you must be able to as well.

[d0nnivain]

bring your wife to OZ & have lots of sex with her. I'm serious. That will fix a whole host of your problems.

[sandylee1]

If you bring her to Australia.... I see a lifetime of misery for you. Sometimes you just have to put your culture to one side and do what you need to as a man.

 

I had a friend/coworker from Pakistan in the UK where live..and her parents wanted to set up an arranged marriage and they objected to her relationship with an Indian man of a different religion. They threatened so many things against her and eventually she ran away from home. ... .. she informed the police after they tracked her down....her parents would beat her up for not complying...

 

The police gave her details of a woman's shelter.... her parents forbade any of her siblings to contact her.. but she had to leave for her own sanity and happiness.

 

She tried to reconnect with her parents but they were not interested. The people who bring us into this world don't always show love or know what's best for us.

 

YOU are responsible for your own destiny. Parents push these desires on a child that allows it. You aren't the only one who has faced this situation and you weren't prepared to abandon your parents ...despite how badly they treated you.

 

In your position I would just block all these toxic people out of my life and never look back. That includes your parents and wife.

Build a new life for yourself and look to the future.

 

I'm not unsympathetic to your situation....but unless you think of just YOU.. you will never be happy. You can't please your parents or your wife... she sees you as a way out of India...no more and no less.

[NJ65]

@mrs rubble - Thanks buddy for your inputs, well to be honest tradition for marriages in India has been changing rapidly ever since, now parents of course do consider first choice of their kid as their life partner, but unfortunately its not same story everywhere and I am one of the victim of that.

 

My parents born and brought me up in nice manner, provided me good guidance and principles of life, education everything but I never knew that they may ever ask payback for this at some stage. Not marrying to partner of my choice is different story but then just to break that relation at any cost by giving me ill treatment and marrying me to someone with whom I had hardly spend 10 minutes before marrying her, was it fair treatment - this question gives me pain everyday.

 

My parents are getting old and they need me at this stage of life but they are not willing to change their behavior or thoughts at any cost.

[NJ65]

@donnivain - dear for me, pleasure which comes from heart naturally and brings smile to face is way more important and satisfactory than bed or sex, No matter how big problem is. Having Sex with her is really going to change her harsh speech or dominating factor, if that is guaranteed I am more than happy to do that.

[big dog]

your family forced you into some sort of "arranged" marriage " ? Just how old are you anyway ? Are you Muslim or Hindu or something? something doesn't seem to add up here.....

[NJ65]

Dear big dog,

 

Actually first my parents forced me to agree for this proposal by not talking to me around 8 months before marriage, then around a month before marriage, I asked them to go join my work for a short time as I did not have enough leaves and was likely in a situation to loose that but for them Marriage at that time was more than life of any person, so we had lots of dramas fights disputes arguments even physical harassment just week before marriage, they threatened me to commit suicide and break all relations with me forever had I left for work at that time.

 

I am Hindu from caste and 31 right now. If I had gone for Police complain, that would have further damaged reputation of my family and my parents. I wish no one ever can this kind of marriage- the days I have gone through. I feel real cursed person possibly to have so many bad deeds from past life that I have gone through such days.

[Carpe Diem]

I know a number of people in the same situation as you. You are caught between centuries old cultural traditions and the modern thinking of a western nation.

 

It is one thing if you lived in India or Pakistan or wherever. It doesn't make it right BUT because you're not removed from the traditions, you accept "that's how things are."

 

My experience on seeing this in the western nation in which I live is that most of these arranged marriages are simply successful attempts at mass scale immigration fraud.

 

I know at least 5 different young Pakistani and Indian women who are being forced into arranged marriages. Can you believe that their parents have not being able to find a single Muslim or Indian man in my western country for them to marry. Every single one of them is marrying "a cousin" or someone similar from their village back home.

 

You know what I speak is the truth. Because of your western passport, the value of your hand in marriage has increased tremendously for your parents. They've availed themselves of this opportunity and will stop at nothing to make sure you follow through. These are the deals they have made with your wife's family. This is why you need her visa immediately etc etc.

 

You really are stuck between the proverbial rock and a hard place. My God, your parents threatened to kill you!!!!!!!!!

 

Ask yourself how much you really owe your parents. They to the bottom of their souls, would rather have you dead or living miserably......... then happy and them receive nothing from it.