Jessica Rabbit Posted April 9, 2001 Share Posted April 9, 2001 My live-in boyfreind has a major issue with keeping a Private Life outside of our relationship. I dont need to do this, but I guess I understand his point. but------ I messed up-I snooped, which is totally out of character of me, and crossed the line, and read some emails that he accidently left open... They were from a bunch of girls, and its been a LONG time since he thought of me, romantically, so I got jealous. See----- I was going to let them go, but he found out that I checked his mail. He said it was totally innocent,and that there is NO forgiving the fact that I invaded his private life. He is Irate, and wont speak, or even look at me. For 2 weeks already, i sleep on the couch...But he never mentions breaking up at all...which I dont want to do. So------- He tells the that the damage I have done to him is irreperable, and that he will NEVER trust/forgive me. Is he mad 'cause he has something to hide? Or is this all my fault? I know i was wrong, but I cant take it back. What do I do to fix this mess?????? HELP!!!! I cant live like this much longer.. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted April 9, 2001 Share Posted April 9, 2001 How did he find out that you checked his email? If you didn't tell him and you closed out everything, there shouldn't have been a problem. At any rate, every human being requires a certain degree of privacy. People do innocent things privately that would have no meaning otherwise. Even sending emails to single girls may just be a fetish or hobby for him. You definitely invaded his privacy and his space. There's nothing in the world you can say or do to smoothe this over. It will just take him time to get over it. This could go either way. Right now, he's embarassed and probably trying to figure out a way to handle this situation. Within a fairly short amount of time, he will decide whether or not to continue his relationship with you. However, you need to speak with him immediately. If he really means that he cannot every trust or forgive you for this, you have no alternative but to dismiss yourself from his life as soon as possible and learn from this. Trust is very much like virginity. Once it is compromised it almost never can be restored. I'm really sorry this has happened but you don't need a man in your life who is so closed minded and unforgiving. Link to post Share on other sites
jessica rabbit Posted April 9, 2001 Share Posted April 9, 2001 Thanks for the advise... I did close out aol, but in aol, you can check the 'status' of your mail, and I am only guessing that he checked the status. Maybe he saw that the TIME he saw, was a time that only I was at home, and it could only have been me. I didnt ask how he knew actually... Youre probably right though. Once trust is compromised it almost never can be restored. And this guy loves to hold a grudge, so looks like I just ruined a 3 year relationship... And belive me, im gonna suffer for it. Lived there for 3 years now, & i have no $$ and we have the same freinds... not gonna be easy to start a new... Link to post Share on other sites
angeleyes_ab Posted April 9, 2001 Share Posted April 9, 2001 reading his emails was not the best thing you could have done. but it is not something for him to hate you over. its sorta silly for him to say he can never trust you again. its not like you did something terrible like sleep with his best friend. have you tried apologizing you him? tell him you are truly sorry for what you did and you will never do it again. tell him how you feel about him never making you feel special in a romantic way too. he will forgive you with time. Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted April 9, 2001 Share Posted April 9, 2001 Sounds to me like he has a lot of guilt and he's turning it around onto you. Yes, I can understand him being angry, but not for 2 weeks. And again, yes you were wrong for snooping, but obviously you don't trust him if you had to do that in the first place. I've done it to boyfriends in the past, and none of them were angry at me for more than a day. There's something else going on and he's turning it around. He's reaking of guilt and he's hoping that you won't catch on that he's the one that was being the dog. It should be you who should be angry with him for what he's done. He's the one that got caught, not you. Now you're apologizing to him, when he was just as wrong as you were. Don't be a fool. Link to post Share on other sites
Jessica Rabbitt Posted April 9, 2001 Share Posted April 9, 2001 Wow. Thats funny b/c that was my gut reaction, and i felt guilty for thinking that. I thought "What R U hiding?" "Get over it if theres nothing to worry about..." & although I found out ina shi**y way, turns out i was right to be suspicious... Like he wouldnt have checked mine if it were open to him? Lets get real...Of COURSE he would. I think he's taking it too far and pushing this thing to avoid talking about something else too... which is Y i came here. Funny that the men say "theres no hope", but the girls said "not something for him to hate you over"..huh? How did WE get named the overdramatic ones??? I did apologize to him. I do everyday. He wont listen or even look at me. Hes layin' it on pretty thick. So I guess I have to move on to the REAL issue: How the heck do U get your boyfriend to talk about something when he's not talking to U? Thanks guys. HUGE help! Sounds to me like he has a lot of guilt and he's turning it around onto you. Yes, I can understand him being angry, but not for 2 weeks. And again, yes you were wrong for snooping, but obviously you don't trust him if you had to do that in the first place. I've done it to boyfriends in the past, and none of them were angry at me for more than a day. There's something else going on and he's turning it around. He's reaking of guilt and he's hoping that you won't catch on that he's the one that was being the dog. It should be you who should be angry with him for what he's done. He's the one that got caught, not you. Now you're apologizing to him, when he was just as wrong as you were. Don't be a fool. Link to post Share on other sites
JustAGirl Posted April 9, 2001 Share Posted April 9, 2001 I think you got a major independce issue. U said it wont be easy to break up cuz of money & common friends. I think what you need to work on is being financially independent, and having yr own life, outside of him... U sleep on the couch?? what the hell? HE can go sleep on the couch if he doesnt wanna sleep with u... get what i mean? ... why r u letting him rule this game?? Besides, I check my bf's e-mail every day, and it's perfectly fine with him... as long as i tell him i did... he does the same... So I really think you've had trust issues with that guy as well. I mean if he wanted to e-mail single chicks as a hobby, he could've gotten a separate e-mail address for that (some kinda ananymous hotmail thing)... ANyway, just some thoughts for you... Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Jessica Rabbit Posted April 9, 2001 Share Posted April 9, 2001 I think You just hit the nail on the head - but the question remains... I am at a loss for what to do!! How do I get him to talk to me? Should I force him to talk to me? When do I get him to talk to me? I guess you're right...thats the problem. So what do U think is my solution? (aside from grow a pair...) I think you got a major independce issue. U said it wont be easy to break up cuz of money & common friends. I think what you need to work on is being financially independent, and having yr own life, outside of him... U sleep on the couch?? what the hell? HE can go sleep on the couch if he doesnt wanna sleep with u... get what i mean? ... why r u letting him rule this game?? Besides, I check my bf's e-mail every day, and it's perfectly fine with him... as long as i tell him i did... he does the same... So I really think you've had trust issues with that guy as well. I mean if he wanted to e-mail single chicks as a hobby, he could've gotten a separate e-mail address for that (some kinda ananymous hotmail thing)... ANyway, just some thoughts for you... Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Kola Posted April 9, 2001 Share Posted April 9, 2001 You know what, everyone makes mistakes, if he cares, he would forgive you. I would forgive you, I would be pissed off at you but I really would not take this matter very seriously to the point where I would be thinking of breaking up with you. COme on! So, what, you snooped around, big deal, not very nice thing to do, but no 3 year relationship should be ruined for simple stuff like this!!! Please My live-in boyfreind has a major issue with keeping a Private Life outside of our relationship. I dont need to do this, but I guess I understand his point. but------ I messed up-I snooped, which is totally out of character of me, and crossed the line, and read some emails that he accidently left open... They were from a bunch of girls, and its been a LONG time since he thought of me, romantically, so I got jealous. See----- I was going to let them go, but he found out that I checked his mail. He said it was totally innocent,and that there is NO forgiving the fact that I invaded his private life. He is Irate, and wont speak, or even look at me. For 2 weeks already, i sleep on the couch...But he never mentions breaking up at all...which I dont want to do. So------- He tells the that the damage I have done to him is irreperable, and that he will NEVER trust/forgive me. Is he mad 'cause he has something to hide? Or is this all my fault? I know i was wrong, but I cant take it back. What do I do to fix this mess?????? HELP!!!! I cant live like this much longer.. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted April 9, 2001 Share Posted April 9, 2001 When somebody won't talk about an issue when such a talk is called for, in psychology it's called passive aggression. Basically, he's punishing you or getting back at you by doing nothing...or not doing what you would like him to do. Women do this with sex sometimes. They punish men they're pissed off at by not doing something...by not having sex with them when they want to. In any case, living with a passive aggressive individual could be a lifetime of hell. If, for some reason, you stay with him and work this out, watch for this type of behavior in the future. If this is the way he deals with difficulties and disputes, you will be sorry all the days of your life if you stay with him. Good conflict resolution techniques are always part of a healthy relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted April 9, 2001 Share Posted April 9, 2001 I bet since he hasn't been talking to you, you haven't even mentioned anything about finding those emails. You've forgotten all about them and he's off the hook - DO NOT let him off the hook. He's probably not even really mad at you, he's just scared of getting busted. The best way to approach him (and I've done it myself and it works) is to say "I know what you're doing and I know you're reversing everything, because you're guilty. You can act like you're mad at me, but I'm mad at you and you're hiding something and I see right through you. You must think I'm stupid. You're acting like a drama king. You're hoping by acting mad at me for 2 weeks, I'll be so preoccupied with begging for your forgiveness that I'll never accuse you of anything ever again, because I won't want to go through you ever being mad at me like this again. The longer you act like this the more I'm realizing that you're the one that's guilty." This will make him even angrier because now he's caught, but at least he'll finally start talking and you'll resolve things whatever the outcome. I would also suggest that you tell him, if he ever treats you like this again, you'll leave him, because if you let him treat you like this, he'll walk all over you in the future. Tell him if he's looking for an excuse to get out of the relationship, he doesn't have to, because it will be you that leaves him, because of his emotional abuse, which is what he's doing to you. Push the guilt right back onto where it should be. Remember, you didn't trust him for a reason. Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Mojo Posted April 9, 2001 Share Posted April 9, 2001 ...whilst you condemn your actions, he wasn't exactly being mature about it himself. his attitude also contributed to where you are at now. if he can't act mature about this, then you're probably better off with out him. people who love to hold grudges are damn childish. whilst i can understand why he's peed off, i can also understand that not getting any romance would make you wonder if something is going on. perhaps he should think about that. i mean, if i was not being romantic or affectionate with a boyfriend, i would pretty much expect that they would wonder why and i wouldn't be at all surprised if they were wondering if something was going on. if a boyfriend checked my e-mails, i would be a bit annoyed, but it would probably be at that point that i'd realise they need a bit of reassurance. it takes two to tango in a relationship, and if he's not going to live up to his end of the bargain, then it's probably best that you don't remain with him. also, imagine what it would be like if you were married? would he compromise and understand? no, he'd probably hold a grudge and end up a grumpy, lonely old man! Link to post Share on other sites
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