Wife Lied About Her Past

[Old Hippie]

This is going to be a different kind of story. Yes...my wife lied to me about her sexual past. The difference is she lied the opposite of the way many people do about this. We've been married for almost 40 years and had the conversation most couple do a long time ago about our sexual history and just like many guys I was hurt to discover that the woman I loved and was planning on marrying had had sexual histories with other guys. It took me awhile to get over this but I did and moved on.

 

Here's where the story is different...over the years of our marriage during innocent conversation...maybe about old friends or past experiences (not sexual) she's let slip a few things that made me question the truth about her sexual history...things just didn't add up. I began to doubt some of the stories and questioning her honesty with me. This doubt brought back the old demons and jealousy which I thought I was over. It got to the point where I was thinking about this everyday so I bluntly just started asking her questions. It turns out (if she's telling me the truth now) that she's had allot LESS sexual partners than she originally led me to believe.

 

You think a guy would be ecstatic to learn this...I wasn't. Why did she lie in the first place? She knew way back then what she told me hurt. She claims she lied way back then because she wanted to make me jealous...well it worked...and because of my typical male ego took a long time to get over. I'm saddened by all of the unnecessary pain and hurt she put me through. I'm also really questioning her honesty with me. Why on earth would a woman lie and say she had more sexual partners than she really did? If she told me then what she now says is the truth I would have been over the moon with happiness.

 

A guys mind plays mean tricks on itself. I start thinking if she lied about that what else has she lied to me about. There were a couple of times I suspected that she cheated on me early in our marriage and once at about the 20-year mark. I completely trusted her then and when confronted with my suspicions and fears at the time she assured me that she had not cheated and that I was her guy and yada, yada, yada. In the back of my mind I do believe her...but the doubts creep in. She did lie about her sexual past...now I start thinking what if she did cheat. I now know that she's capable of lying to me about sex...straight faced and bold...and the doubts creep in. I love her but I don't trust her anymore and it's killing me inside. Anyway...Thanks for listening to the rants of a sad old man.

 

Old Hippie

[whichwayisup]

We've been married for almost 40 years

 

Let it go...You have 40 years together!! The past is the past and it doesn't matter.

 

Maybe she thought you would reject her if you knew she had little sexual experience. Maybe she was embarrassed so she exaggerated. Does it truly matter now, 40 years later?

 

I hope for your sake, you appreciate what you have in your life now and stop looking backwards in life, rehashing stuff that isn't important at all. You may think it is, and if you want to open up old wounds be prepared for a possible fallout, fight and drama.

[Old Hippie]

Let it go...You have 40 years together!! The past is the past and it doesn't matter.

 

Maybe she thought you would reject her if you knew she had little sexual experience. Maybe she was embarrassed so she exaggerated. Does it truly matter now, 40 years later?

 

I hope for your sake, you appreciate what you have in your life now and stop looking backwards in life, rehashing stuff that isn't important at all. You may think it is, and if you want to open up old wounds be prepared for a possible fallout, fight and drama.

 

I think maybe you misunderstand...I'm not looking to open up old wounds. It's all about discovering that someone you loved and trusted for years has been lying to you...and that those lies when initially told caused unneeded grief and pain. Also I can assure you that she knew I would never have rejected her for having little sexual experience...this is what attracted me to her in the first place. She had this aura of innocent beauty that is indescribable. I still remember the very first time I saw her. I'm not looking to rehash anything...I just want to understand why she chose to hurt me like she did and then waited so long to finally tell me the truth...I just want to trust her again.

[whichwayisup]

That lie, I'd say a little white lie, wasn't meant to hurt you, it was to protect herself. She didn't do it intentionally to screw you over.

 

Please don't let one minor mistake from 40 years ago ruin ALL your faith and trust in your wife and the years you've built a life with her.

 

I get you're hurt but put it in perspective and focus on the good in your marriage rather than something that shouldn't ruin what you have with her now.

 

Do you have kids? Grand children?

[dreamingoftigers]

Let it go...You have 40 years together!! The past is the past and it doesn't matter.

 

Maybe she thought you would reject her if you knew she had little sexual experience. Maybe she was embarrassed so she exaggerated. Does it truly matter now, 40 years later?

 

I hope for your sake, you appreciate what you have in your life now and stop looking backwards in life, rehashing stuff that isn't important at all. You may think it is, and if you want to open up old wounds be prepared for a possible fallout, fight and drama.

 

Early on I told my husband I had more partners than I did because he had a really high number and I thought he would think I was an unattractive loser for not having more. I also thought he would think I was a total frigid girl if I hadn't been around more.

 

Luckily, I did fess up and felt quite embarrassed about the whole thing. To him it wasn't a big big deal either way. He did prefer the lower number and didn't quite understand that I was concerned with it.

 

It was only linked to my own insecurities and fear of judgment from him that I did those things. I wouldn't now with anyone new that I were to date, if I were to ever date again. But at that age and time I was so wanting to be dated and accepted by him that I told him what I thought he wanted to hear. Ironic, no?

 

When I look back to those early conversations I realize just how young we were getting together. So many things change over the course of time.

 

How is the core of your relationship otherwise?

Do you trust her or has this shattered the foundation?

 

Or is this just so fresh you aren't sure yet?

[OneLov]

Maybe she honestly forgot because to her it was not a "big deal." I am not saying it should or it shouldn't be. But I for one would not care, so I can relate to not thinking much of it. However, for you it is the deception that makes it one.

 

My advice: Talk to her and tell her how you feel in an assertive manner.

[Satu]

The past is gone and the future is unknown.

 

Enjoy your stable and lasting marriage in the present.

 

 

Many people would love to be in your shoes.

[Old Hippie]

That lie, I'd say a little white lie, wasn't meant to hurt you, it was to protect herself. She didn't do it intentionally to screw you over.

 

Please don't let one minor mistake from 40 years ago ruin ALL your faith and trust in your wife and the years you've built a life with her.

 

I get you're hurt but put it in perspective and focus on the good in your marriage rather than something that shouldn't ruin what you have with her now.

 

Do you have kids? Grand children?

 

If you go back and read the original post you'll see where she admitted the lie was meant to make me jealous which means the same thing to me as hurt. I'd love to share your view that this was a minor mistake from 40 years ago but I see it as a bunch of life long lies that she could have set straight many times over the years...I mean why tell me now?? It's not something I'm going to leave her over but it definitely took her morality and trustworthiness down a notch in my eye. I love her and I'll get over it but a guy has to wonder why.

 

Old Hippie

 

PS: We have four children and two grand-children

[xxoo]

Why did she want to make you jealous?

[rester]

If you go back and read the original post you'll see where she admitted the lie was meant to make me jealous which means the same thing to me as hurt. I'd love to share your view that this was a minor mistake from 40 years ago but I see it as a bunch of life long lies that she could have set straight many times over the years...I mean why tell me now?? It's not something I'm going to leave her over but it definitely took her morality and trustworthiness down a notch in my eye. I love her and I'll get over it but a guy has to wonder why.

 

Old Hippie

 

PS: We have four children and two grand-children

 

I think the making you jealous part still goes back to what dreamingoftigers said about it being all about her own insecurities and fear of judgment.

 

Maybe your wife hid it from you all these years because she still fears your judgment? Ultimately you'll have to keep talking to your wife about it. It sounds to me that it was a childish mistake and that she probably regrets it and has never felt comfortable telling you about it because perhaps she thought (or knew) that you'd blow it out of proportion?

 

People make mistakes. This doesn't sound like one to get too worked up over, in my opinion.

 

Some other food for thought: maybe this isn't about the lie at all and it's about something bigger or something completely different. Something inside of you is causing this reaction. Perhaps look into yourself rather than putting so much blame on your wife.

 

Just my two cents.

 

...

It was only linked to my own insecurities and fear of judgment from him that I did those things. I wouldn't now with anyone new that I were to date, if I were to ever date again. But at that age and time I was so wanting to be dated and accepted by him that I told him what I thought he wanted to hear. Ironic, no?

...

[Old Hippie]

Early on I told my husband I had more partners than I did because he had a really high number and I thought he would think I was an unattractive loser for not having more. I also thought he would think I was a total frigid girl if I hadn't been around more.

 

Luckily, I did fess up and felt quite embarrassed about the whole thing. To him it wasn't a big big deal either way. He did prefer the lower number and didn't quite understand that I was concerned with it.

 

It was only linked to my own insecurities and fear of judgment from him that I did those things. I wouldn't now with anyone new that I were to date, if I were to ever date again. But at that age and time I was so wanting to be dated and accepted by him that I told him what I thought he wanted to hear. Ironic, no?

 

When I look back to those early conversations I realize just how young we were getting together. So many things change over the course of time.

 

How is the core of your relationship otherwise?

Do you trust her or has this shattered the foundation?

 

Or is this just so fresh you aren't sure yet?

 

I'll give you my honest opinion...I feel that 99% of guys out there would prefer that the woman they fall in love with and plan to spend the rest of their lives with was pure and untouched...the virgin maiden in white so to speak. It's not practical thinking in this day and age and I wasn't really expecting it with her way back then...I mean we were teenagers in the 70's.

 

The core of our relationship is good otherwise...at least it is to me. We don't fight or bicker with each other. I always thought the communication was good. We go places and enjoy our kids and grand-kids together. As for trust...yeah I'd have to say I do still trust her but...there's always a but huh?...It's damaged...and I hate that

[Old Hippie]

Why did she want to make you jealous?

 

That's a good question...her answer is "I Don't Know"

 

Hmm...

[OneLov]

.I feel that 99% of guys out there would prefer that the woman they fall in love with and plan to spend the rest of their lives with was pure and untouched...the virgin maiden in white so to speak.

 

But then they'd suck in bed. I can say the sex in my 30s is 100x better than sex when I was 18.

[xxoo]

That's a good question...her answer is "I Don't Know"

 

Hmm...

 

A guess might be that she felt jealous, if maybe she thought you had attention from other women.

 

Wanting to make you jealous does not necessarily mean wanting to cause hurt. In her immature mind, she may have been trying to keep you interested, make herself seem more appealing.

 

Also, since you have grown kids yourself, consider the maturity of a teenager. If you're a parent, as I am, you know how their reasoning can be! Consider that she was a teenager at the time, and thus had undeveloped reasoning skills.

Edited March 11, 2016 by xxoo

[Quiet Storm]

Since you have been together 40 years, that means you were probably young and immature when she told that lie.

 

My husband and I were teenagers when we met 25 years ago. I remember those drama filled thoughts that come with being immature and in love. Getting jealous, insecurity, "testing" their love for you, saying things that hurt during arguments, undeveloped coping skills...young love can be crazy.

 

We learn and evolve as we mature, and your wife likely would never handle things the same now that she did 40 years ago.

 

I do understand why you now doubt other things. I also see why you're questioning why she didn't tell you over the years. That would hurt me, too. I think it's a normal reaction to question everything. Try to work through it together. Be honest with her about how you feel.

 

Many couples go through ups and downs. The vows "for better, for worse" are designed to keep you together until the good times come again. No relationship is perfect and we all struggle sometimes. It helps to focus on the positive.

[Old Hippie]

But then they'd suck in bed. I can say the sex in my 30s is 100x better than sex when I was 18.

 

No argument there...although our peak years were our 20's. We had three of our four kids in our 30's. Kid's kinda change your sex life...at least having three toddlers in the house did for us.

[Old Hippie]

Since you have been together 40 years, that means you were probably young and immature when she told that lie.

 

My husband and I were teenagers when we met 25 years ago. I remember those drama filled thoughts that come with being immature and in love. Getting jealous, insecurity, "testing" their love for you, saying things that hurt during arguments, undeveloped coping skills...young love can be crazy.

 

We learn and evolve as we mature, and your wife likely would never handle things the same now that she did 40 years ago.

 

I do understand why you now doubt other things. I also see why you're questioning why she didn't tell you over the years. That would hurt me, too. I think it's a normal reaction to question everything. Try to work through it together. Be honest with her about how you feel.

 

Many couples go through ups and downs. The vows "for better, for worse" are designed to keep you together until the good times come again. No relationship is perfect and we all struggle sometimes. It helps to focus on the positive.

 

God you hit the nail right on the head...your second paragraph...it's like you were there with us. Crazy young love. It's good to know we weren't the only ones who went through this phase. Our arguments were allot more heated in the early days but then so was the make-up sex. I do miss the passion of the early days...I don't miss the drama.

 

Your third paragraph shows that you get what I'm talking about. It's about damaged trust. I still love my wife with all my heart...she's my best friend and my soul mate and I'd be lost without her. I'm just a little bit sadder these days.

 

We're going to talk about all this someday when we get some alone time. It will be a nice low key civilized conversation. Age has mellowed me so I don't get as worked up about things like I did when I was young plus I really don't care about her past sexual experiences...not really...I mean maybe a little bit but never enough to kick her to the curb. I just want her to participate in the conversation and tell me in her own words why she felt she needed to make me jealous. We'll see how that goes.

[Old Hippie]

A guess might be that she felt jealous, if maybe she thought you had attention from other women.

 

Wanting to make you jealous does not necessarily mean wanting to cause hurt. In her immature mind, she may have been trying to keep you interested, make herself seem more appealing.

 

Also, since you have grown kids yourself, consider the maturity of a teenager. If you're a parent, as I am, you know how their reasoning can be! Consider that she was a teenager at the time, and thus had undeveloped reasoning skills.

 

What you say makes allot of sense...All I want is for her to talk it out with me...so far we've been unable to do that. I told her I just want this doubt to go away.

 

By the way...I love your avatar. I've been a Loony Toons fan my whole life. I've got the complete collection on DVD. The cartoon in your avatar is one of my all time favorite Bugs Bunny reels.

 

Old Hippie...

[aussietigerwolf]

I'm guessing this was 40 years ago? Maybe she doesn't remember why she wanted to make you jealous? Do you remember the exact reasons you did stuff that long ago?

[xxoo]

What you say makes allot of sense...All I want is for her to talk it out with me...so far we've been unable to do that. I told her I just want this doubt to go away.

 

By the way...I love your avatar. I've been a Loony Toons fan my whole life. I've got the complete collection on DVD. The cartoon in your avatar is one of my all time favorite Bugs Bunny reels.

 

Old Hippie...

 

I doubt she's going to be able to explain, now middle aged or beyond, exactly why she did what she did as a teenager.

 

Consider what she's done since, all the days and moments dedicated to loving you and your family.

 

Most of us who met our partners as teenagers (including me) did some stupid things along the way. I would like to be considered for who I am as an adult partner, not who I was as a teen. My husband actually kissed another girl at a party when we were dating :eek: Do I care now? Not one bit. We were young, he was stupid, it's not who he is or has been as a husband and father.

 

Thanks about my avi!

[whichwayisup]

If you go back and read the original post you'll see where she admitted the lie was meant to make me jealous which means the same thing to me as hurt. I'd love to share your view that this was a minor mistake from 40 years ago but I see it as a bunch of life long lies that she could have set straight many times over the years...I mean why tell me now?? It's not something I'm going to leave her over but it definitely took her morality and trustworthiness down a notch in my eye. I love her and I'll get over it but a guy has to wonder why.

 

Old Hippie

 

PS: We have four children and two grand-children

 

So you are gonna hold this against her for as long as you want this to play out? A lie that hurt you (now), from a decision she made when she was a teen?! An inexperienced, insecure teen. She probably can't remember why she did it exactly and explain to what was going through her head at the time.

 

I hope you never have any of your past choices from 40 years ago thrown in your face and then try to remember the reasons why did you something stupid back then.

[Tayla]

I think the conflict is with yourself. You perceived her a certain way and come to find out she is...capable of errors . Yes, her intent is questionable.

 

Oddly as we age, we pick and chose our battles. And you have chosen this one to add a bit of ...concern to your inner thoughts of "Do I even know this lady, if she, years later... tells this?" And the answer is quiet clearly, we know what they wish to share, so while its disturbing to you, she came forth and admitted this data. Its up to you to take the fact and weave it thru the marriage tapestry.

 

I recall my uncle who is in his late 70's, very quiet and kind soul....sitting me down one evening. He treats my Aunt with such tenderness. This is the second marriage for them both. And he said, I love your Aunt J dearly...she though has a rough edge to her.....(which is true). She though hasn't learned to filter her opinions...and sometimes it comes off harsh. (again this is true). To meet them you'd never know that He carries this awareness of her. Yet he does. He does so, because he has learned to accept her...and her ways...its apart of the deal he made when he married her. She isn't offensive to him.For that I am sure . He has somehow learned to love her...in her less then finer moments.

I hope you can get there with your Mrs. She had one of her less then finer moments in your eyes.

[dreamingoftigers]

I'll give you my honest opinion...I feel that 99% of guys out there would prefer that the woman they fall in love with and plan to spend the rest of their lives with was pure and untouched...the virgin maiden in white so to speak. It's not practical thinking in this day and age and I wasn't really expecting it with her way back then...I mean we were teenagers in the 70's.

 

Having aged a bit since then, I know that most guys would rather be the first one at the gates etc. My husband wasn't, but there weren't a lot ahead of him by the time we met. In truth, I didn't want to get pregnant with some idiot so that curtailed much of my youthful exploits.

 

However, knowing my husband was a higher-number guy, and not just "bragging rights" or whatever, I really assumed he would have a set of judgments over a girl that played much safer. To be honest, his number was nothing that impressed me. In fact, I had to really "try to look past that" as I found it really unfavorable.

 

The core of our relationship is good otherwise...at least it is to me. We don't fight or bicker with each other. I always thought the communication was good. We go places and enjoy our kids and grand-kids together. As for trust...yeah I'd have to say I do still trust her but...there's always a but huh?...It's damaged...and I hate that

 

I don't quite know how to put this without sounding jerky or condescending.

 

Because I do actually get it.

 

If I found out my husband would have had, say 3 partners, instead of 60+, I would really wonder WTF as well. Because it did take "getting past" to even begin to accept that, and an underlying fear that WAS realized that that type of sexual recklessness did rear itself in our marriage later on.

 

It would leave me "wondering" at this point. But not much else. Because truth is, I already lived my worst fear about it. He did end up being unfaithful etc. years ago, which was very devastating.

 

But having gone through that, it makes me go "wow, you and your wife must be doing very very well for this to be the trust-breaker and question-bringer for you."

 

My parents have been together for 40 years this July as well. Overall I think they were both very innocent inntheur relationship as well. Then my father committed infidelity 7 years ago and it brought up a whole bunch of shifts.

 

And I'll be honest, my father was a pretty difficult person to live with BEFORE he cheated (at least got caught cheating, I suspect he may have stepped out a time or two before or at least really wanted to).

 

So having seem that tear through my parent's relationship was pretty awful too.

 

I've seen lots and lots of other trust violations and splits and all sorts of abuses in relationships over the years and I bet you have too.

 

And having been with your wife since youth, I'm sure there's a couple of pictures you painted her that aren't necessarily 100% accurate to who you are / were, but have become so ingrained over the years that correcting them might only produce a sort of WTF from her.

 

Unfortunately, she might not have noticed the actual scale of the emotional impact this one had on you.

 

I can only think, "of my husband shared this info with me now, it would make me think, WTF, is he screwed-up?" But then that would follow with, "well, yes he is, I've known he's screwed-up for a bit now. It blindsided me when I first found out but now I just know this is an extension of that."

 

Where you sit, you get to wonder, "is she kind of screwed-up?"

 

I can't imagine going 40 years without having that kind of doubt. Wow.

[craw]

Let it go...You have 40 years together!! The past is the past and it doesn't matter.

 

Maybe she thought you would reject her if you knew she had little sexual experience. Maybe she was embarrassed so she exaggerated. Does it truly matter now, 40 years later?

 

I hope for your sake, you appreciate what you have in your life now and stop looking backwards in life, rehashing stuff that isn't important at all. You may think it is, and if you want to open up old wounds be prepared for a possible fallout, fight and drama.

 

Seriously. Man up and get over it. Why did you ask if you couldn't handle it?

 

I thought she murderes someone or commited a crime.

[Popsicle]

I think you're just bored and clinging onto something to have feeling about.

 

Maybe you can start and argument or four or five with her and have some good makeup sex.