Is there a limit to how far you should go for family?

[MissCongeniality]

So I have this foster brother in prison he's getting out soon and he's going to need a place to stay. I've started to work things out with my husband he's considering letting me move back so we can fix our family and I swear I can't believe this is happening right now.

 

My foster brother get's out in a few months and he's been in for a while like I haven't seen him since I was a fifteen while. I use to think he was pretty cool when I was young and he always looked out me. I probably wouldn't be here if it wasn't for him.

 

Any way he's been calling our other siblings asking for a place to stay when he gets out and they went to me asking if I could do it because I was so close with him. I mean my relationship with my husband is getting better but this could set all the progress we've made back big time.

 

I mean what am I supposed to do? Part of me thinks it's dangerous to even agree another part of me feels like I owe my brother this. My brother and I were VERY close. And our "family" wasn't much of a family.

 

Really if my foster siblings and I didn't look out for each other none of us would be alive and they want me to look out for him because of a very personal reason which involves my oldest daughter my husbands step daughter. I just feel given the gravity of what inviting him into my home means it's not a good idea.

 

At the same time I owe him everything. What do I do? I mean he's always been protective and sweet on me but he's also a hot head and not very stable sometimes. He's never hurt me but if he thinks his "space" is being threatened or if what's his is being taken he'll fly off the handle.

 

We're like fire and ice we or at least we use to balance each other out and if I'm not there to calm him down or keep him calm he can be a scary guy. However he also has this affect on me like my husband it's like my husband brings out the best in me and he brings out the other side.

 

I just don't know what to do let alone how I explain him to my oldest.

[Tayla]

IF I recall ( contingent on the level of the offense), the person who "sponsors" them thru the prison release is ultimately responsible for their appointment with parole officers and updates on social standings.

 

to house them and feed them ...is an additional concern.

 

How often have you maintained contact with him? If you have been a constant support with his jail time, then the courts may release him to you as guardian...What has he to say of this?

 

I'd suggest a half way house til he gets his act together. That is often a good way to get them assimilated back into work programs and functioning as a responsible member .

 

Again, discuss it with him and with the court system that is releasing him.

[MissCongeniality]

IF I recall ( contingent on the level of the offense), the person who "sponsors" them thru the prison release is ultimately responsible for their appointment with parole officers and updates on social standings.

 

to house them and feed them ...is an additional concern.

 

How often have you maintained contact with him? If you have been a constant support with his jail time, then the courts may release him to you as guardian...What has he to say of this?

 

I'd suggest a half way house til he gets his act together. That is often a good way to get them assimilated back into work programs and functioning as a responsible member .

 

Again, discuss it with him and with the court system that is releasing him.

Well this isn't a parole thing and I don't know much about it either. Okay full disclosure the truth is I've I've seen him with my siblings every Christmas(when I can). We each visit him off and on every month to make sure he's alright. He says he wouldn't be asking me to take him in if he didn't think he'd have a better option I don't think he'd do well in a half way house either.

 

I'll be honest I don't see why I should counting him and me there is nine of us(all around the same age) and i'm a bit upset that no one else wants to do it. I mean yes we all got our issues but aside from my younger sister (whose homeless and has mental issues) I'm not in a position to help. Besides we all had and have our issues especially when we were kids but he was on another level.

 

I'll be blunt the reason he got locked up is that he liked setting fires as a kid. Nobody died but you can see why we're all a bit nervous with trusting him and after I found out about the fire thing I started keeping my distance even going as far as to say that I haven't seen him since he got arrested.

 

That and now that he's getting out I have to have a conversation with my daughter i hoped to avoid for a very VERY long time. Suffice it to say my foster brother and I were for a while more than just foster siblings.

[TaraMaiden2]

...Any way he's been calling our other siblings asking for a place to stay when he gets out and they went to me asking if I could do it...

 

Why can't they do it?

 

If they have legitimate reasons for saying no, then so do you.

 

The fact that there might have been a romantic connection is what is actually worrying you though, isn't it?

I mean, you also say -

 

I've started to work things out with my husband he's considering letting me move back so we can fix our family

 

So his presence would really complicate things and put a massive spanner in the works.

 

Nope.

You need to back away form this one.

 

You are not beholden to anyone for anything they might have chosen to do.

Gratitude is one thing.

Bending over backwards and jeopardising your present for someone who's potentially a risk - is quite another.

[PandaPookie]

Ask your husband feels about it and tell him how you feel in this position. I don't think there would be anything wrong with letting him move in...depending on the reason why he was in jail. If you have any reason to believe he's physically dangerous or could steal from your house or get you into trouble then I wouldn't do it.

[bathtub-row]

While it would be a very tough decision, I think it would be a huge mistake for you to allow your brother into your home. You are putting too much at risk and you must think of your children, yourself, and your marriage first. Anything that threatens those things needs to be avoided at all costs.

 

Your past with your brother is far too complicated - to put it mildly - and he isn't a trustworthy person. If he crossed that line with you, what's to stop him from crossing it with one of your other children? This is just too big of an issue and a threat to even consider bringing into your life.

 

It's not your fault that he put himself in this position. It's another lesson for him to learn that trust cannot be rebuilt overnight, sometimes never. In this case, he should never be fully trusted. I could love someone like this, I could help them when possible and be their friend, but I would never, ever let my guard down with them.

 

To answer your question, there are limits to everything and allowing him into your home is just too much to ask -- even if he is family. If everyone can afford it, perhaps you and your many siblings can pool your money and put him up in a cheap apartment for, say, six months until he can get his feet back on the ground. That would be the most sensible solution. If that's not possible, your brother is going to need to figure out something else. Hopefully he has grown up over the past years and will understand why everyone is hesitant to open their doors to someone with his past.

[MissCongeniality]

Ask your husband feels about it and tell him how you feel in this position. I don't think there would be anything wrong with letting him move in...depending on the reason why he was in jail. If you have any reason to believe he's physically dangerous or could steal from your house or get you into trouble then I wouldn't do it.

I haven't really told my husband about it. He really doesn't know much about my siblings and I need to clarify that none of my foster siblings are biologically related to me. Also I haven't told him because he doesnt know that my foster brother is the biological father of my oldest daughter because well that not exactly information you advertise. That and I'm pretty sure by brother is a pyro maniac or at least he was supposedly he's better now.

 

While it would be a very tough decision, I think it would be a huge mistake for you to allow your brother into your home. You are putting too much at risk and you must think of your children, yourself, and your marriage first. Anything that threatens those things needs to be avoided at all costs.

 

Your past with your brother is far too complicated - to put it mildly - and he isn't a trustworthy person. If he crossed that line with you, what's to stop him from crossing it with one of your other children? This is just too big of an issue and a threat to even consider bringing into your life.

 

It's not your fault that he put himself in this position. It's another lesson for him to learn that trust cannot be rebuilt overnight, sometimes never. In this case, he should never be fully trusted. I could love someone like this, I could help them when possible and be their friend, but I would never, ever let my guard down with them.

 

To answer your question, there are limits to everything and allowing him into your home is just too much to ask -- even if he is family. If everyone can afford it, perhaps you and your many siblings can pool your money and put him up in a cheap apartment for, say, six months until he can get his feet back on the ground. That would be the most sensible solution. If that's not possible, your brother is going to need to figure out something else. Hopefully he has grown up over the past years and will understand why everyone is hesitant to open their doors to someone with his past.

That is a good idea thank you. I feel like they want me to take care of him because growing up I was his personal cheerleader I always defended him and always took his side even when I clearly shouldnt have let me put it this way when my siblings were saying "What is wrong with him?" or "That guy needs serious help." I was the idiot saying "He's so cool and awesome!"

 

That and I feel like this is them getting back at me for always asking them for help. Yeah I'm the sibling that always goes running to one of them and asks for help.

 

Now that you mention it I never really thought of him crossing that line with my other children. I mean he's never really come off as that kind of guy but given how all of us were abused its not impossible for that to be an issue I dont know about. But just to be clear while he was the more aggressive one I was also equally aggressive in crossing that line. My other concern is falling into old bad habits because I was very emotionally dependent on him and when he was gone I literally had a break down.

 

He's like a drug for me and it takes a lot of self control just to avoid seeing him. Which make my siblings wanting to shove him on to me even more frustrating because they know I am not the best version of myself when he's around. They are actually surprised i'm having an issue with this my older sister even said and I quote "Oh so now that he's getting out your not his cheerleader anymore? Because I seem to remember you always going on about how amazing he is and now that he's getting out your suddenly changing you tune."

 

It's not that I'm not hearing them or where they are coming from I get it okay. For years I've had this idealized version of him in my head but for some reason after I heard he was getting out I started getting worried and started thinking about all the crap he pulled as a kid of which granted I was a active accomplice in about fifty percent.

 

But I will talk to them and see if we can pull our money. Any advice on introducing my daughter to him and telling my husband about him?

[whichwayisup]

I need to clarify that none of my foster siblings are biologically related to me. Also I haven't told him because he doesnt know that my foster brother is the biological father of my oldest daughter because well that not exactly information you advertise. That and I'm pretty sure by brother is a pyro maniac or at least he was supposedly he's better now

.

 

You do need to tell your husband everything. The whole truth about your past, your family, your choices, your foster brother being the father of your daughter.

 

Your foster bro was in jail, for what? you say he is a pyro manic, people don't change that unless they get help for it, even then time will tell if he is stable and safe to be around. You could be putting your kids lives at risk, let alone an emotionally explosive situation since your husband doesn't know the truth...if it slips out by accident that would be bad.

[bathtub-row]

I think it was a big mistake not to tell your husband the truth about who your daughter's father is. He's probably not going to handle it well now because you withheld some pretty important info. This is not about you being a horrible person or anything like that but that's a huge thing not to talk to your husband about at some point.

 

I still say, don't allow your brother into your home to live. And to add to that, don't ever let him be with your kids alone either.

[MissCongeniality]

I think it was a big mistake not to tell your husband the truth about who your daughter's father is. He's probably not going to handle it well now because you withheld some pretty important info. This is not about you being a horrible person or anything like that but that's a huge thing not to talk to your husband about at some point.

 

I still say, don't allow your brother into your home to live. And to add to that, don't ever let him be with your kids alone either.

Don't worry I have no intention of letting him into my home. I never told my husband because in the beginning I wasn't about honesty and over the years when he'd ask I'd just say that we were young, he got into trouble and wasn't in the picture I just left out the part about my Daughter's biological father being my foster brother (not even she knows) I felt I was giving him only the information he needed.

 

Besides how would you react if you had a wife and she said "I was knocked up by my foster brother whose in prison because he set some fires."?