Trouble moving on-- what else works besides time?

[healthyhopes]

I will feel absolutely fine for a while, and then "relapse" right back in into feeling things for an egocentric, Freudian, (honestly) loser, ex fwb that I only saw for about a month...

 

I haven't been in a relationship since my freshman year of highschool, so perhaps I am just way out of it. I don't know. My first relationship only lasted about one month, but it took me a very long time to get over because when I was young, I used to have a very low self esteem and the way it ended absolutely gutted me. The second relationship was about 6 months and I had mostly checked out of and it was easier to kill.

 

But I honestly don't know why I'm still holding on to this one, especially since it wasn't really a relationship. I've posted on here in moments of false hope, but to be honest, I don't think I would take him back(if he, by some impossible token, did so) considering how cold and terrible he/the situation was. I've never had insomnia as a result of a breakup before, and this wasn't even a real relationship or a real breakup....

 

He's not the kind of person that does well alone and he is very extroverted, which I suppose is why I took his constant communication more seriously than perhaps I should have. I think maybe this mix of emotional availability and unavailability did it for me, though I suppose I could say the same about me towards him, as I was very defensive and cold at times. And he never gained any sort of feelings, he claims. I was thinking this was a validation thing for me, which is probably true, but in reality I really did like him.

 

I tell myself all sorts of things but at the end of the day, I'm still sad. I tell myself: He definitely as attached to some extent, it's just that he didn't feel you were compatible. The fact that his version of coping is pretending everything is fine and rebounding as soon as possible, and you saw evidence of this in his words and actions (I had witnessed him get over another breakup too, earlier).

But this only makes me grasp at false hope.

On the flipside, I tell myself: You clearly did not mean all that much to him, and the things he said were just manipulative. He noticed you were falling for him and used it as an ego boost. Remember the things he said?

But somehow this hurts just as much.

 

It just really hurts that I practically filled up a notebook (I write/journal often) attempting to cope with what happened, and he brushed it off fine and now I see him and his girlfriend looking at each other with eyes in love.

 

So long story short, when you want to move on, what do you do (besides things like no contact, etc) that really ensures that you move forwards?

 

(Note; I'm beginning to think there's a possibility I have a minor form of OCD which could explain, for one thing, my tendency to ruminate about things. Idk if that matters or not here but it might be important to note.)

[smudge21]

Sorry for what you're going through - welcome to the sh*t side of relationships. No easy answer to give you, but one thing: what did you do before he came along? What type of things kept you busy and interested? You clearly had a life before him, so what did it entail? I know how hard it can be to get back you "yourself" when something like this happens - we invest so much of us into one person, it's hard to get all that back. It does happen though, but often you need to force yourself back into doing those things which made you happy, despite having that mentality where we tell ourselves that going back and doing old stuff is like giving up and retreating away, but it truly isn't. It's just all about making ourselves happy and finding our mojo again. These people who hurt us, they weren't our happiness. Sure they made us feel great at the time, but we also felt great before they came along. What they actually did was make us feel happy in other ways, now we just go back to feeling happy like we used to. Does that make sense? It's not an easy road you're on, but it does get better.

[d0nnivain]

Time is the best healer. Keeping busy also helps. Surround yourself with positive people & change your routine around so everything doesn't remind you of the EX.

 

 

There is a cliché that says the fastest way to get over somebody is to get under somebody else. Hence, lots of people rebound. I am not advocating that you use another to make you feel better but perhaps go on a date to remind yourself that there are other fish in the sea.

[healthyhopes]

It's been about 5 months since it ended, and every once and a while, every couple of months, he'll send me a snapchat. The last time was about 3 or four days ago, and we had a very small conversation.

I was just wondering why someone would do something like this? He was basically the one that ended things, and I think he still has a girlfriend right now too (not 100% sure though). It kind of surprises me given the fact he made it clear, a while back, that he would never contact me again, and he is a VERY stubborn person.

I just simply know that if I'm 100% over something, I don't tend to reach back into the past. Snapchat seems like the kind of app that is just perfect for reaching back into the past, because you see if the other person has seen what you've sent or not, and if anything, you can just claim accident (which he kinda did).

 

I haven't contacted him first for months, and I hardly see him either. It has been months, and he claimed he had no feelings (though given many things, I believe otherwise). However, we were very close, and he also does tend to be ego-driven in many respects.

 

Breadcrumbs? Ego boost? Misses my company? None of my other exes have ever done anything like this before, so I am curious.

 

I consider myself to be over this whole thing, though I do miss him as a person because he was a huge impact in my life, so my standpoint is relatively objective. Or so I hope lmao

 

(We ran into each other twice today, and I basically ignored him twice. He reached out to catch my attention with his hand the second time, and touched me on the arm. Very strange.)

[BaymaxBear]

Let yourself be happy! You don't deserve breadcrumbs, you deserve a full fledged I want you. However, people are liars and do whatever makes them happy. This particular individual I believe wants an ego boost. They love the comfort of you being there as a safe call. Go out with other people, love yourself and know that everything happens for a reason.

[healthyhopes]

he kinda reached out to me earlier with a breadcrumb, i said screw it and sent out my own. He texted me later to ask how I'm doing, and now we're having a huge conversation on what's been new, how stuff has been going on, what we like about x, y, z

 

I don't know what I was expecting. He's still with his girlfriend, who he just mentioned, and I felt a pang of sadness reading that. I reached out because I missed him, naturally, and it seemed like he missed me too (and he does, otherwise we wouldn't be talking as we are talking right now). Likewise, i didn't feel a pain in my chest or any quickness of breath when I did reach out, I just wanted to speak. But he has a girlfriend and probably loves her and naturally, I am sad, because I still think about him.

 

Similarly, I was felt closer to him then I had ever felt with another person, and I know he felt close to me too (otherwise, we wouldn't have been speaking right now)

 

I'm not sure where things are going to go now, 99% chance with him-- no where. He said he had no feelings for me, and as much as I wish that was a lie, and pick apart the past and his breadcrumbs and his facial expressions and all his words-- it's not like he has explicitly said otherwise. Which is heartbreaking in a sense but that's why we aren't together anymore, which I suppose is a positive.

 

But I'm glad to caught up with someone who I was once so close to. I have a hard time cutting people out of my life, and I guess that works even in the cases where they break your heart and stomp all over it.

 

I wish him the best, I do, and he was a huge impact on my life. Though I wish things could have been different, they weren't and aren't, and though I am 99% moved on, I think, or maybe not, probably not, considering i am posting on loveshack-- I really have to. I'm just not sure how.

 

Things don't always end up good. but I've been better than I ever have in my entire life, and he's been good too. That's good I guess.

 

Life is life. I feel as if I'm talking to the dead, but things are different now, because we've both changed enormously as people. I don't know why I'm writing this. There is no where to go now but the direction that time points me-- forwards. I lost two friends after a huge miscommunication on Sunday and now every event seems like a positive one, which I suppose is what happens when bad things do happen.

 

I kind of hope that some day in the future we will be together, which is shoddy because that's lame and false hope and he's with someone else and etc etc etc but he was a huge impact on my life.

Gross.

Whatever.

[healthyhopes]

they don't always come back and it's ok

I was very close to him and it's ok

I was just being human and I am still just a human

It's nice to know he misses me too, even if it's just as a friend

 

He chose her. I think they even broke up once at like the two month mark or something, and then I think they came back together.

He didn't come back to me.

 

And it's okay.

 

 

I didn't think I would be sad right now

[healthyhopes]

maybe it's because it's the closest i've felt to love in a long time, and I got hooked on the feeling

 

I think this is what I needed

I'm happy and sad

He probably loves her and she definitely loves him

there's nothing wrong about my feelings for him; if anything I am glad to have released that bit of human kindness into the world.

I missed my friend, and I am glad that he missed me too, even if he didn't explicitly say it

 

I've tried so hard to move on and I thought I had but I guess I was wrong

[BaymaxBear]

You're all over the place!! Sadly love does that for you :/. The best thing to do is learn that you can't control someone else's emotions. Next time he wants to chat show him your value by waiting awhile or by being vague and mysterious. Both guys and girls like a challenge so don't always be so accessible to him. It seems like a game but your feelings are on the line and he seems to not mind stringing you along. You are great and deserve the best so work on YOU!!

[healthyhopes]

You're all over the place!! Sadly love does that for you :/. The best thing to do is learn that you can't control someone else's emotions. Next time he wants to chat show him your value by waiting awhile or by being vague and mysterious. Both guys and girls like a challenge so don't always be so accessible to him. It seems like a game but your feelings are on the line and he seems to not mind stringing you along. You are great and deserve the best so work on YOU!!

 

Yeah, I'm aware. I have been taking a while to reply for the most part, and I have been pretty vague. It's hard because we haven't talked to each other for months so we feel like we have to tell each other everything. He does have a girlfriend right now though, and they've been together for months, so I don't think it's an issue of getting him back exacrly... Though that's of course what I would have wanted ideally. But I'm not going to pull anything, of course. We were close and honestly I don't regret reaching out at all. I have worked on myself a lot, I feel better than I have for ages.