I want to cut off my best friend.

[Meloettta]

I'm having an issue with my 'best friend'. I have known this person for roughly a year and a half but we became close really fast. It was really fun at the beginning, we casually hung out or went shopping together. She had a lot of other good friends. She became my best friend because we had nearly all classes together and we lived in the same city. We did everything together. After four months or so, I noticed she was kind of self-obsessed. She'd talk about herself all the time and when I wanted to share my worries or problems with her, she'd make it about herself. I know it's human nature to like talking about yourself but I really didn't like it. One night we hung out with some of my friends, and she was talking about herself the entire night. About her succes, her looks, her boyfriend and her money. I confronted her about this because I kind of felt ashamed (my friends also thought it was kind of weird). She got really angry and we had a huge fight. We did make up, but I didn't take back what I said. I told her to let other people talk and listen to others too and she eventually agreed. It went alright for a while until she started having some family issues. The people she was friends with before didn't really hang out with her much anymore, and she completely relied on me for a long time. I didn't mind, because I like being around friends, listening and giving advice. When I started an internship in another city, I moved in with my boyfriend (I am still living there). The internship is really though but I manage. I try to see her at least once every two weeks. The problem is, I am always the one who visits her. It's about a 2 hour drive away but whatever, she wants to see me, I also need social interactions so I just go with it. It bothers me that she never puts in effort. If it was just that, I would let the friendship naturally fade but she absolutely does not let me do this. When I don't text her for more than a day she gets really angry and starts a fight with me, even though she did not text me either. She also wants me to remember everything she does on the exact date. Like a talk with her mother, some kind of event, an appointment. If I don't text her on the day she has something planned, she tells me she's disappointed in me and thinks I am a bad friend, even if I texted her the morning after, to ask how it went. She says 'All my friends messaged me to tell me good luck but you didn't. You don't put time and effort into me.' and when I try to apologise she ignores this and keeps fighting with me. I think this girl is really manipulative, and she might be a toxic friend. I am constantly nervous around her even though I am quite a confident person. I feel like I need to impress her all the time and it makes me feel incredibly stressed out. I have hinted before, that I do not like friendships like that but she didn't really pick it up, I believe she doesn't notice what she's doing herself.

 

 

The thing is, I love her but I hate her and she's constantly trying to intimidate me. I really want to and need to cut her off, but I don't know how. Most of my friends are her's too, and we have every class together, which means I will see her everyday when I go back to school. I really don't want to feel the tension between us during classes, plus I know she will turn everyone against me, and I really don't want to be alone. I believe she will make my life really hard if I cut her off. I have tried to have a serious talk about her behaviour and she says she understands, but it doesn't get any better. It is fun to sometimes hang out with her, but I don't connect with her on a deeper level and I don't want her to be my best friend anymore. We don't have the same interests but she forces everything on me. Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with this?

[salparadise]

The thing is, I love her but I hate her and she's constantly trying to intimidate me. I really want to and need to cut her off, but I don't know how. Most of my friends are her's too, and we have every class together, which means I will see her everyday when I go back to school. I really don't want to feel the tension between us during classes, plus I know she will turn everyone against me, and I really don't want to be alone. I believe she will make my life really hard if I cut her off. I have tried to have a serious talk about her behaviour and she says she understands, but it doesn't get any better. It is fun to sometimes hang out with her, but I don't connect with her on a deeper level and I don't want her to be my best friend anymore. We don't have the same interests but she forces everything on me. Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with this?

 

Yes... boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. Given that you run in the same circles and have to see her regularly, I'd suggest redefining the friendship on your terms rather than accepting hers. You are letting her define everything by allowing her to set an expectation, and then you working to meet it to avoid her throwing a tantrum.

 

For example, don't text her first for a day and wait for her to raise hell at you. Then text her back and say (without any emotion), oh but you didn't text me either. At that point she will be confronted with the issue... "but I expect you to always text me first." You can be nonchalant and say, it's not actually required that we text everyday, and and sometimes I'll just wait to hear from you. Nothing wrong with any of that... except that you are defining it rather than allowing her to impose her expectations on you.

 

Yea, she may throw a tantrum or two. Just let her go through the spin cycle without you reacting to it. Just make sure that you keep your attitude neutral to friendly so that you don't give her any real ammunition. It's safe to say she won't like it, but her choices will be to accept your boundaries or distance from you. Either is a win for you.

 

Don't be afraid of her getting nasty and trashing your name. Be cool and let the chips fall where they may.

[TaraMaiden2]

I'm having an issue with my 'best friend'. ....The internship is really though but I manage. I try to see her at least once every two weeks. The problem is, I am always the one who visits her. It's about a 2 hour drive away but whatever, she wants to see me, I also need social interactions so I just go with it. It bothers me that she never puts in effort. If it was just that, I would let the friendship naturally fade but she absolutely does not let me do this. When I don't text her for more than a day she gets really angry and starts a fight with me, even though she did not text me either. She also wants me to remember everything she does on the exact date. Like a talk with her mother, some kind of event, an appointment. If I don't text her on the day she has something planned, she tells me she's disappointed in me and thinks I am a bad friend, even if I texted her the morning after, to ask how it went. She says 'All my friends messaged me to tell me good luck but you didn't. You don't put time and effort into me.' and when I try to apologise she ignores this and keeps fighting with me. I think this girl is really manipulative, and she might be a toxic friend. I am constantly nervous around her even though I am quite a confident person. I feel like I need to impress her all the time and it makes me feel incredibly stressed out. I have hinted before, that I do not like friendships like that but she didn't really pick it up, I believe she doesn't notice what she's doing herself.

 

 

The thing is, I love her but I hate her and she's constantly trying to intimidate me. I really want to and need to cut her off, but I don't know how. Most of my friends are her's too, and we have every class together, which means I will see her everyday when I go back to school. I really don't want to feel the tension between us during classes, plus I know she will turn everyone against me, and I really don't want to be alone. I believe she will make my life really hard if I cut her off. I have tried to have a serious talk about her behaviour and she says she understands, but it doesn't get any better. It is fun to sometimes hang out with her, but I don't connect with her on a deeper level and I don't want her to be my best friend anymore. We don't have the same interests but she forces everything on me. Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with this?

 

I really just highlighted all the main salient comments to further illustrate what salparadise means by boundaries.

 

All of the above happens - because you permit it to happen.

 

My suggestion would be to read the No Contact Guide in my signature - which was originally penned by a guy who worked in close proximity, and for the same company, as his ex - and implement it.

It's what we would advise any person in a toxic relationship with a SO. It applies just as well and fittingly to you.

 

Until YOU draw a line and refuse any over-step, on her part, you will always have this problem.

Establish for yourself, what you can no longer tolerate, and do something.

Don't discuss it with her. You've seen how far that gets you. There is no discussion necessary, any more.

Deal with this as strongly as you need, because the bottom line is - only you can control this from your end.

[preraph]

It sounds like she might be narcissistic. Of course, she could also just be a spoiled child used to being the center of attention. Anyway, she is what she is. I think it's good you had the talk with her to let her know that her way of being one-sided was not acceptable in a friendship. Maybe on some level it will alter her behavior a little. Especially if others do the same.

 

The trouble with the worst narcissists is they also have a lack of empathy for anyone other than themselves. They think they're problems and triumphs should be the most important thing not just to themselves but to all their friends and coworkers and family as well. I score high on narcissist scale, but I fortunately also score high on empathy, so I'm annoying because I very often reference my own experience in order to understand someone else's, but I don't at least expect anyone to place my welfare before their own.

 

I have a friend who is a problematic diagnosed narcissist, plus bipolar. She truly believes the world should center around her needs of the moment and gets very angry when everyone doesn't cooperate. This sounds a bit like your friend. This woman has been a lifelong friend, but I've about come to the end of my rope with her finally because she stirs things up and then backs out on long-distance plans she herself initiated, plus another matter that made me wonder if she's been deceptive with me all along and may have betrayed me many years ago.

 

Part of me wants to reach out and be sure she's okay, but honestly, it always takes longer than I've got to have a phone call with her, and she doesn't always respond to emails and I don't text. Anyway, a text would prompt a phone call.

 

As far as the part about you always being the one to drive to see her, well, you are the one who moved away. So I don't really think that's unfair, although a little reciprocation would, as you say, be nice, to show she cares.

 

But as long as you do it, why should she?

 

If you want to limit your time with her, you do just that, starting with stopping the 2 hour drive to see her. This is the perfect time to just stop doing it. Tell her bluntly that you do not have time to text her all the time. Set limits. Tell her, I'm too busy for that these days and will holler at you when I have some breathing room, so don't expect to hear from me as often and tell her you'd rather she didn't text you all the time because that takes up your time too, even if you don't answer. Tell her, Of course, if it's something important, let me know, but I just don't have time for just chitchat anymore. You just have to set the boundaries and not be afraid of her wrath.

 

Don't give in to her demands, and then continue to do the slow fade. If she gets to be a problem, tell her, This isn't working for me anymore, I'm sorry, and at least block her texts or whatever is the most frequent. You'll still have to see her some, but I bet some of your friends would gladly let her go if she wasn't your friend.

[salparadise]

As far as the part about you always being the one to drive to see her, well, you are the one who moved away. So I don't really think that's unfair, although a little reciprocation would, as you say, be nice, to show she cares.

 

 

You can fix this with two words––your turn. At that point you've reset the expectation... to you're going to have to match my effort tit for tat or it ain't happening.

 

Of course you should only do this if you're willing to continue being friends as long as it's a balanced, reciprocal friendship. If you decide it's time to terminate then set the expectation even lower, as in "I don't have time to make the drive or hangout."

 

I agree with Preraph that something is fundamentally amiss with this person. I've lived a long time and if there's one lesson I've learned well it's that people do not change who they fundamentally are. However, you can usually change the nature of relationships, and if not you can terminate it. I don't think this one will be worth it to you, and you don't have any implied obligation to her if the friendship is not functional and reciprocal.

 

But it's up to you to either redefine or terminate. You can do so firmly, gracefully and kindly, but you have to accept that you can't control her propensity for throwing a tantrum. As Patsy once said to Loretta, "you got to run your own life."

[PandaPookie]

I think you should drop her. She sounds manipulative and cocky. If you do drop her it might be awkward since you see her at school everyday.