Ouch

[Savannah2]

Heavy on my mind are The weight of my thoughts about my four year affair. I see so much now that was so terribly wrong about the way he treated me. I thought the sex was so amazing but the truth is it lacked real intimacy.. No kissing, rushed clothes half off... You get the idea...

 

I hate myself for what I allowed him to do to me. He never told me he loved me. I made so many excuses for him. Told myself that he really does love me he's just torn between the two of us since he said he wants us both...I was lying to myself the whole time and it destroyed my soul. How can it be that this person I thought was saving me was really destroying me this whole time? How could I let this happen? I don't doubt my feelings for him. What is wrong with me that I could feel so deeply got someone who does not reciprocate those feelings back? I feel like such a broken person. Thank you for listening. No one knew about this affair so this place is the only outlet I have.

[ShatteredLady]

Oh Savannah. The past is the past now. You CAN learn & grow from these experiences. We don't wake one day & suddenly do these things. It's little step by little step until one day we're doing things & living a life that we NEVER intended!

 

You're NOT a bad person. The fact you have these feelings & are here asking for help speaks volumes.

 

Please make sure you deal with this & don't let it haunt you & change you for the worse. You were just like most of us, looking for love & connection. You got used by a bad one. I'm so sorry.

 

Some say its 'darkest before dawn', I hope that's the case for you. There are many lovely, kind, sincere men in this world. Fix yourself & then go find your person. Don't look for someone to fix you, that's too much for anyone. Find yourself. Find the answers to your questions. Love yourself again.

 

Best wishes.

[Mayday2016]

The thing is Savannah, I know exactly how you feel. If I told anyone in my life the truth and depth of how I feel along with the realities of how things were, they'd think I was crazy. And not just "oh you so crazy" but "you need serious psychoanalyzing and possibly admittance to a mental institution"...

 

The great thing is, here there are others who understand. Affairs are such different animals. We always made the most of our time together, or at least we did in the beginning. Then the glimmer started to wear off and he found himself becoming increasingly unhappy with me... And then he got bored whereas I was still in the honeymoon stage. Why is it so different for us, do you think? Why are we so 'all in' from beginning to end? Why do we suffer in silence? I wasn't able to give my exMM 4 years (it's a blessing) but it lasted 15 months and in that time we had a child (she's now 2 months old).. Be grateful you are lacking that component, it makes the hurt and the crazy so much more profound because your child is his ghost.

 

Cry tonight, I will too. Maybe it will be a comfort to know there are others who truly understand the depths of your despair?

[jenkins95]

Big hug Savannah.

 

You are amongst friends here - most of us have done things we regret and have ended up getting hurt and/or hurting others..... You are absolutely not alone.

 

Keep it together, Savannah - it will get better. You will learn so much from this and the future could hold so much happiness. You just need to be strong, get past this and recover...... And the world is yours.

 

I wish you all the best of luck - keep posting

Edited February 21, 2016 by jenkins95

[Satu]

I sympathise with how you're feeling.

 

Have you thought of getting some counselling?

 

It can be really helpful.

[RRM321]

I agree that the past is the past and if no one knows about this affair you may be very lucky to have already realized something is not right.

 

In your post you make reference to being saved. IMHO There's your answer! Your desire for this affair was likely never about him. Perhaps it's always been about you and something you are still searching and longing for?

 

You also said: "I don't doubt my feelings for him" which contradicts your position that this is all terribly wrong. Could you have projected that longing to be saved onto him and reinterpreted it as romantic feelings?

 

Get some counseling and find out what it is you're really seeking.

[Mayday2016]

I agree that the past is the past and if no one knows about this affair you may be very lucky to have already realized something is not right.

 

In your post you make reference to being saved. IMHO There's your answer! Your desire for this affair was likely never about him. Perhaps it's always been about you and something you are still searching and longing for?

 

You also said: "I don't doubt my feelings for him" which contradicts your position that this is all terribly wrong. Could you have projected that longing to be saved onto him and reinterpreted it as romantic feelings?

 

Get some counseling and find out what it is you're really seeking.

 

See you guys are phenomenal. You notice the little things which lead to big introspection.

[Savannah2]

I have thought about counseling. I do believe I am very depressed. Part of me believes i will always have these feelings for him and I need to just accept that and stay away from me him. He will never leave her, in fact, this whole time he has said that he loves her.

[RRM321]

I have thought about counseling. I do believe I am very depressed.

 

Yes, you may be depressed and that's okay. Know too, that initially counseling is going to make you feel even worse, and that's actually more than okay.

 

He will never leave her, in fact, this whole time he has said that he loves her.

 

LOL. Ok so, we've established that since he told you he loves her that you are fully capable of denying something obvious even when it is openly and cleanly presented to you. You don't need to beat yourself up over this.

 

We all do denial. We also feel a profound sense of loss when we realize we're doing it. This is why we get counseling - and why counseling can be initially difficult. We can't get out of that space the same way we came in. You've got to locate, hear, and then quiet the voice that called you in - and that usually involves going out the other side.

Edited February 21, 2016 by RRM321

[Ohmyohmy]

I have thought about counseling. I do believe I am very depressed. Part of me believes i will always have these feelings for him and I need to just accept that and stay away from me him. He will never leave her, in fact, this whole time he has said that he loves her.

 

Hey Savannah!! Hang in there. I'm kinda in the same boat, I'm not technically NC but this is the longest I've gone without MM in almost a year(we've been "together" for two years)MM was always making huge future plans with me(however, recently, when his W, got even slightly off mentally, he freaked out and went over-board to fix the situation..including cutting me out(for the kids?) then relying on "my strength" to help get him through...my head is spinning today...

...and for some reason, something is clicking...I hope it sticks around.

A fleeting moment of clarity...he's NEVER going to be a strong enough man to leave...never...and then, is he really a man I would want?

Let alone think of as someone I would be happy spending the rest of my life with??

 

Anyway, my IC brought up an interesting point, she wanted me to try starting an antidepressant and then see how I continued to feel with/without MM. Her theory being that I may be (truly)depressed but I rely on the hormone release from communicating with MM to get a false sense of not being depressed(dopamine)...ha...I disagreed with her at the time...because I'm soooo happy(not)

but today, it's making sense a little...

 

Anyway, you are a brave woman, these relationships really screw us up!!!

you have a lot to offer to the world, keep your chin up!!

Ohmy

[Summer3]

 

1. I see so much now that was so terribly wrong about the way he treated me. I thought the sex was so amazing but the truth is it lacked real intimacy.. No kissing, rushed clothes half off... You get the idea...

 

2.I hate myself for what I allowed him to do to me. He never told me he loved me. I made so many excuses for him. Told myself that he really does love me he's just torn between the two of us since he said he wants us both...I was lying to myself the whole time and it destroyed my soul.

 

3.How can it be that this person I thought was saving me was really destroying me this whole time?

 

You have all the answers. I will break it down to more simpler terms. It will sound yucky but it's what is going on.

 

He was using you.

 

You probably knew it from day one but decided to push that thought to the back of your head.

 

I have an idea of what might have been going on in your head because I'm a fragile woman with very low self esteem and have always looked to others for approval.

 

Perhaps, you thought that maybe, just maybe you're a bit more lovable and special than his wife or other women. His love is proof that you are sexy and desirable; he will bring out the best in you. Together you will be the sexiest team on earth.

 

In reality, he took what he wanted, when he wanted, and pushed you away when you no longer provided the level of excitement and pleasure that he wants.

 

What you thought would increase your self-esteem, in fact, lowered it.

 

Life is much shorter than you think. If you don't want therapy start listening to self-help books, spiritual books, finding a way not to hate yourself.

 

Everybody wants to feel unconditional love and that is normal. You'll need to figure out how to pick men who might be able to give you that. This guy will never be able to give anyone that. You know what he is. You accepted his crumbs because maybe you thought that's all you deserved. Start practicing self-compassion. It will help.

Edited February 22, 2016 by Summer3

[LydiaLong]

Savannah,

 

We all have made really dumb mistakes. Emotions cause us to do really stupid stuff. You're lucky it was only 2 years. I made a 20 year mistake.

 

Use what you've learned to improve your life. Guilt is a useless emotion.

[imsosad]

Savannah, i am so sorry you are hurting this bad.

Four years is a long time, but it is still only a fraction of your life. You will not feel the way you do forever.

This experience can not be erased,but it does not have to define you.

I urge you to seek counselling. First of all, you will recieve some empathy and emotional support. In addition, you will be able to analyze and explore the A. It will hurt, but being able to explain it to yourself will help you own the experience and grow from it.

You will get through this dark day, tomorrow will be better.

Big hug.

[sandylee1]

You cannot change the past..but you can change your future. You can live an authentic happy life with a man who doesn't use you.

It's in your power ....and wouldn't that just be the best thing..to live a happy life and toss the baggage behind you.

[Savannah2]

He told me he couldn't meet me the day after his anniversary because well, you know. He said since he was with her the night before, he couldn't mentally switch gears to me. Seriously. Never felt so low in my life. Horrible feeling. I hate myself for being involved in this for the past four years.

[Midwestmissy]

Are the highs you get worth the lows? Make yourself available to single men who make you special all the time. Are you biding your time waiting on him to give you that special feeling? It's on his terms - think about it: you're upset about him celebrating his anniversary with his wife. You should be upset that you're with someone who takes those vows so lightly and doesn't care that you know that about him. You're worth more than that.

[sandylee1]

I thought this A was over, or are you recalling the past?

[Savannah2]

Unfortunately I got back in. I don't think it will ever end until I can find another job.

[Phoenician]

savana ,

 

I am not going to throw any judgement ; but for your sake dear if you are not going to leave him ;circumstances are now against you - though you should , then you need to convert this affair into an FWB , where you are open to any new relation that could be better for you ...

 

good luck

[Popsicle]

Savannah, do you read other threads here in this section? I think you should spend some time doing that.

[sandylee1]

Unfortunately I got back in. I don't think it will ever end until I can find another job.

 

Oh no. I was so pleased when you ended it.

 

Have you ever looked for another job?

[Savannah2]

I have looked for other jobs. Nothing seems to work out.

[Ms. Faust]

Savannah, do you read other threads here in this section? I think you should spend some time doing that.

 

Honestly, I think she should spend time reading her own threads.

[Lady2163]

Go back to the basics.

 

After 50+ years on this earth, I'm just starting to accept that there may have been something in my upbringing that was either neglectful or just didn't meet my emotional needs. I've always staunchly denied that my Leave it to Beaver lifestyle may have contributed to being the other woman several times in my life, poor communication skills until I was close to 40 and seeming to end up in relationships with abusive/neglectful men.

 

But in retrospect, from a young child, I wasn't that valued by the men in my family. Oh, my grandpas loved me, but they died when I was young. I'm quite certain grandpas would have killed any man who looked at me wrong. But my father, uncles, brothers, male cousins were all quite chauvinistic and women didn't belong in man zones. Man's wants, needs and hobbies came before female child. None of them were ever caught dead at a dance recital or piano recital.

 

But that is the way it was. Men just didn't do that. It wasn't uncommon.

 

But it was wrong and didn't contribute to self esteem.

 

And that's what I'm trying to say to you. Somewhere, someway, somehow you got it in your head and heart that you just don't deserve or need what you are personally entitled to. You should have a man who is able and willing to devote himself fully to you, without the excuse or reason of another woman. That isn't love and it it no way for you to live and thrive.

 

I could say this 100 different ways and give many long examples, but until you truly believe it about yourself, it is all pointless.

 

There's a phrase that is often repeated here. Never make someone a priority when you're only an option to them. That and "He's just not that into you" are my two mantra phrases. They work for almost all relationships and friendships you have in your life.

 

Good luck.

[Liam1]

Savannah:

 

I don't know how you got into the affair. But, if you knew he was married, then you had to realize that he was just looking for an affair.

 

Again, I don't know what you said to him when the affair began, but most likely he thought you were on the same page as him....that being just looking for an affair, not a real relationship.

 

You even say, he never told you he loved you.

 

Counseling will most likely help you understand why you needed to believe he loved you, even though he NEVER told you he loved you.

 

 

 

Heavy on my mind are The weight of my thoughts about my four year affair. I see so much now that was so terribly wrong about the way he treated me. I thought the sex was so amazing but the truth is it lacked real intimacy.. No kissing, rushed clothes half off... You get the idea...

 

I hate myself for what I allowed him to do to me. He never told me he loved me. I made so many excuses for him. Told myself that he really does love me he's just torn between the two of us since he said he wants us both...I was lying to myself the whole time and it destroyed my soul. How can it be that this person I thought was saving me was really destroying me this whole time? How could I let this happen? I don't doubt my feelings for him. What is wrong with me that I could feel so deeply got someone who does not reciprocate those feelings back? I feel like such a broken person. Thank you for listening. No one knew about this affair so this place is the only outlet I have.