Ouch

[RRM321]

He told me he couldn't meet me the day after his anniversary because well, you know. He said since he was with her the night before, he couldn't mentally switch gears to me. Seriously. Never felt so low in my life. Horrible feeling. I hate myself for being involved in this for the past four years.

 

Why do you hate your self instead of the man who is toying with you?

 

He's grab hold of a string at the end of some vulnerability you have and has been playing you like a puppet for years.

 

You are not stupid, or necessarily weak but, you are being manipulated. You know this intuitively, and it makes you feel LOW - because, you are a volunteer not a victim.

 

Move this reality in to the front of your consciousness and it should be easier to resist him. You may feel like you will never get over him but, that's not even close to being true. You just need to get of his shadow of influence for reality to shine some light on you.

[whichwayisup]

He told me he couldn't meet me the day after his anniversary because well, you know. He said since he was with her the night before, he couldn't mentally switch gears to me. Seriously. Never felt so low in my life. Horrible feeling. I hate myself for being involved in this for the past four years.

 

But not enough to finally end it and walk away. I hope you learn to love and respect yourself so you can end this.

[ladydesigner]

(((Savannah2))) what if you put your focus solely on YOU and step back for a minute and just watch and listen to your MM, see if his actions are lining up with his words. Let these moments help you to detach.

[Ms. Faust]

 

He's grab hold of a string at the end of some vulnerability you have and has been playing you like a puppet for years.

 

You are not stupid, or necessarily weak but, you are being manipulated. You know this intuitively, and it makes you feel LOW - because, you are a volunteer not a victim.

 

 

 

 

Savannah has been repeatedly going into this same situation with her eyes wide open for years. She is most definitely a volunteer, but at this point the MM being at fault is moot.

[Savannah2]

I Am in love with him.

[ladydesigner]

I Am in love with him.

 

Sweetie *gently* you need to love yourself more as one other poster mentioned. Your MM is manipulating you and knows you are vulnerable

[RRM321]

I Am in love with him.

 

That's not what it looks like from the outside when I read your descriptions.[]

 

He's not special. He couldn't be - there are too many people in the world for that to be true. You on the other hand, have chosen to ignore ever other potential, including yourself to fixate on him. Not a good strategy.

Edited March 11, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[heartwhole]

It can be very disheartening to discover that you were so utterly wrong about something important in your life.

 

The good news is that you DO see it now. You can learn from this and move forward to a much healthier place.

 

Your MM is no prize. He says he loves his wife but it's OK to have a mistress as long as he doesn't have sex with her immediately after his anniversary? Please. He doesn't love either of you. Not truly.

[elaine567]

I Am in love with him.

 

...and what do you exactly love about him?

 

He treats you abominably and has done for years, yet here you are again...

Why on earth are you back with him????

[Ms. Faust]

I Am in love with him.

 

Are you telling us this to justify your poor decision making?

[ladydesigner]

I Am addicted to him.

 

I changed your statement. I felt it was more fitting because love shouldn't hurt like this.

[Savannah2]

I wish I could stop. I feel like there is no way I can as long as we still see each other everyday. When I'm with him I feel happy. We talk easily and I just feel school girl giddy even after four years together. He tells me that he does love his wife And that they have their ups and downs just like everyone.

[Grey Cloud]

I wish I could stop. I feel like there is no way I can as long as we still see each other everyday. When I'm with him I feel happy. We talk easily and I just feel school girl giddy even after four years together. He tells me that he does love his wife And that they have their ups and downs just like everyone.

 

Savannah - I just read your back story. Wow, I'm speechless. It's easy for us all to judge about why you keep letting yourself remain in this situation but it sounds like after four years you are in so deep you are willing to do anything to keep him in your life - including accepting the very little he continues to offer you.

 

The ONLY way this will end is if you stop seeing each other everyday which means changing jobs. I know you probably don't want to and you don't want to lose seeing him at work. But for your own sanity and self esteem you must. You will then no longer hear about him and his w, you will no longer be sucked back in. You can block them both on FB and move on.

 

I still feel angry, hurt, upset and confused. But I can't tell you how good it feels to no longer hear or know anything about him, his life and his w. They could be in eternal wedded bliss, they could be fighting everyday but the key thing is that I no longer CARE. I no longer want to analyse their relationship. I want to move on with my life. No new hurts. Yes the old hurts replay themselves over in my mind but the intensity and frequency will eventually fade.

 

You no longer want to waste a single minute of your life with this guy where you will always be second. You need to get angry and you need to get strong. You need to devote all your energy and focus into seriously finding another job instead of focusing on him. And then you can walk away and that is where life will truly start getting easier for you. You just need to take those first steps. It's got to be better then what you are going through right? I promise that whatever you fear by walking away will be easier then staying and continuing to get hurt.

[sandylee1]

I had a post written out and then my tablet crashed.. but it's nothing I haven't said to you before really.

 

He uses you to give him oral sex

He refuses to kiss you..as it's too intimate

He is clear that he doesn't love you

Last time you said the sex was crap

He tells you he loves his wife

 

He's basically got a free hook up..who is infatuated with him.

 

This is the sort of crazy love that people take advantage of. The kind that can make you do things you know are wrong.

 

I can just imagine on dday him telling his wife you meant NOTHING. ..and from everything you've ever said about him ... that's one thing that would actually be true.

 

I say many OW are broken.. but you really are broken to put up with this.

 

Then I'm sorry to say you've also been extremely deluded.

Saying in the past you feel betrayed when you see their happy FB pictures.... or feeling it's unfair when they go on holiday.... do you have any understanding of what marriage actually is?

 

Do you understand how backwards it sounds when you feel betrayed that your married FWB/OM .... is having fun with his wife? The person he vowed to love honour protect and be faithful to?

 

This man is treating you like cr**, because you have no value or self respect or love for yourself.

 

This affair will only end when he can't be bothered with you and someone else catches his eye...

[Babs22]

Heavy on my mind are The weight of my thoughts about my four year affair. I see so much now that was so terribly wrong about the way he treated me. I thought the sex was so amazing but the truth is it lacked real intimacy.. No kissing, rushed clothes half off... You get the idea...

 

I hate myself for what I allowed him to do to me. He never told me he loved me. I made so many excuses for him. Told myself that he really does love me he's just torn between the two of us since he said he wants us both...I was lying to myself the whole time and it destroyed my soul. How can it be that this person I thought was saving me was really destroying me this whole time? How could I let this happen? I don't doubt my feelings for him. What is wrong with me that I could feel so deeply got someone who does not reciprocate those feelings back? I feel like such a broken person. Thank you for listening. No one knew about this affair so this place is the only outlet I have.

 

Savannah,

I am so sorry that you are hurting this bad and are being torn apart by this affair. I am also a MW and I have been in an A with a MM for 3 years. He has no children and I have two grown. I worked with my MM for the first two years, but I knew it would be difficult if we ended our A and had to look at him every day and so have moved my position so I no longer work with him. I am still with my MM, but can see it is most likely coming to an end. Not because he will end it, but because I am realizing that all the hurt is not worth the times of feeling happy.

 

My case is a bit different from what I have read in your story. Initially there were a lot of 'I love you's', a lot of wishing we had made different choices. He never future faked and said we would be together and he never said he loved his wife. I never asked either and now I kind of wished I did. We are both still married and there has been no Dday. My marriage however is more of a mess than when I met MM and his marriage seems better than ever.

 

Thankfully, he does not post marriage stuff on facebook, but I still deactivated my facebook in January because I didn't want to keep checking pages. I do not regret or miss my facebook. I can reactivate it at any time, and I have chosen not to at this point. You should try that. Deactivate your facebook, to reactivate you simply log back in, but all your stuff will be there when you get back, friends, posts, pictures. It is quite nice not to have it right now. I encourage you to try this. I also encourage you to get a new job. I cannot imagine ending it with my MM if I saw him everyday.

 

Your MM has been honest with you from the start. He saw this as just an A. He does love his wife, listen to him! He tells you all the time. He is never, ever going to leave his wife. I know, I am living the same reality. My MM still cares deeply for his wife. It has taken me awhile to figure all this out. It took me one year to realize he wasn't going to leave her. It took him saying it to me, "I am not leaving my wife." I stayed then, but I knew he wouldn't. Since then I listen to his words and all of them I remember. The words are the truth. He stopped telling me he loved me. I stopped telling him too. Why would I say I love you who cannot say it to me. All of these things are helping me see there is NO future with us, absolutely none.

 

In your case, because your man has always been completely honest with you, you know he will NEVER leave his wife. He loves her, he doesn't kiss you, he doesn't tell you he loves you, your sex lacks intimacy, he is still having sex with his wife, he won't see you when he has had sex with his wife. Please, your relationship has more red flags than mine. He has only ever seen you as his affair partner. My MM and I kiss and the kisses were and still are extremely passionate. Our sex has more intimacy than I ever experienced with my H. He definitely cares about me and even with that, he won't leave his wife. He verbally told me this only once, but he says and does other things that lets me know it won't happen. I do know he still cares for his wife, but has never told me he loves her. He has told me his friends and family would be really disappointed in him if he left his wife. He wants to keep his image of being the good guy, married, committed. In your case your MM tells you all the time that he loves her. Please listen to what he is telling you.

 

He has been using you for his AP for four years. He doesn't kiss you! He has never said he loves you! He is being totally honest with you. He will never leave her. I am very close to ending my A. I love my MM, and I know he cares for me, but this is a dead end relationship. Ironically enough, I think that my M is also ready to end. This A has had a negative effect on it, but the problems were already there. I think both Rs will end almost at the same time. Yup, I will be alone. But anything is better than the pain of being in a R that can go no where and being in a M that has always had its problems. I will deal.

 

Please Savannah, have some self respect, some self love and end this A. It will give you the power to know that you were the one to end it. Use your pain to get angry. Your MM is going on a trip again with his wife. Their marriage is perfectly fine. Let him go. Yes, it will hurt like hell, but keep coming here for support. You will find many OW and even BS who will support you through this, because they have already been where you are and know how it feels.

 

Big hugs to you Savannah. Be brave, do what you need to do. You have been here posting for two years about how bad things are and how hurt you are. You won't stop hurting until you end it. I need to be brave too. So I will be here hurting with you and all the rest of the OW (and a few OM). We are both better than this and deserve more.

[imsosad]

You seem to be lost.

I do not know you but i will still presume to offer an explaination, omly you know if it is true or completely not right for you.

Is it possible that you hang on to this guy,telking yourself you love him because you need to give these four years some meaning? Could you be attaching feelings and clinging to this MM because that will somehow make sense to you?

Otherwise, it is just a very screwed up, one sidede,degrading relationship you allowed for years. If you love him and just need him, does it make it ok in your mind?

It is like a bad bet. You know you are losing, but you've already invested so much in it,that you keep going,afraid to cut your losses.

Now, I am not a Dr Phil fan, but I do like one catch phrase I heard him use: only thing worse than being fooled for four years is being fooled four years and a day.

Seriously, how long do you plan on wasting your time and giving up on any dignity you have.

Just stop.

It will not get better until.you make it better.

Why do view yourself as so weak and helpless?

[Savannah2]

I think I do hold on to this because it has been going on for so long and I want to believe that he does has feelings for me even though he has never told me he loves me. He tells me he needs and wants both me and his wife. Sometimes I can understand that but other times it just makes me angry, especially when he bends over backwards doing nice things for her like planning date nights and anniversary stuff.

[Babs22]

I think I do hold on to this because it has been going on for so long and I want to believe that he does has feelings for me even though he has never told me he loves me. He tells me he needs and wants both me and his wife. Sometimes I can understand that but other times it just makes me angry, especially when he bends over backwards doing nice things for her like planning date nights and anniversary stuff.

 

Savannah,

He loves his wife. He needs/wants you. He is planning date nights and anniversary stuff because she is his wife and he loves her. He chose her to be his partner for life. He is not leaving her. You are holding on to 4 years of a bad relationship. He throws you bread crumbs and you stay. You are not even getting the love or intimacy out of it. What do you get out of it?

 

imsosad said it and you need to really think about what she said.......

 

"only thing worse than being fooled for four years is being fooled four years and a day.

Seriously, how long do you plan on wasting your time and giving up on any dignity you have.

Just stop.

It will not get better until.you make it better.

Why do view yourself as so weak and helpless?"

 

Be brave Savannah. You are better than this.

[imsosad]

Ah, Savannah.

When a man loves you, he lets you know. He tells you he loves you, he holds you, kisses you wnd does nice things for you.

He is at least being truthful, telling you his wife is his number one priority but he stil wants you on the side. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. He should really take a number.

Why do you need this specific man to love you? What is so special about him?

You know what, even he did have feelings for you,he still wouldnt leave his wife.

This is a lost cause. Let it go. So this man did not fall in love with you, so what?

The longer you continue the more you will convince yourself you need him. You dont.

What if he dies tomorrow? You will go on with your life eventually,right?

See, you CAN live without him.

[Lady2163]

I think I do hold on to this because it has been going on for so long and I want to believe that he does has feelings for me even though he has never told me he loves me. He tells me he needs and wants both me and his wife. Sometimes I can understand that but other times it just makes me angry, especially when he bends over backwards doing nice things for her like planning date nights and anniversary stuff.

 

Savannah - I'm probably one of the most sympathetic and poor-OW posters here. I'm unapologetic for my actions. I've challenged people on here when they are too harsh on the WS and the Other. I even roll my eyes that there seems to be an abundance of BS, who were the perfect sposuess and never did anything that would weaken the marriage bond so the WS was more open to cheating. They all just married scam artists or the Other was an accomplished seducer.

 

I get what you're going through, because I've been there.

 

When I was 17.

 

There's no easy way to say this, but your thought process is just not emotionally mature. You don't want to act in your own self-interest. It's hard for me to be sympathetic and empathetic when an OW is being abused and neglected and won't walk away. Hey - it's hard to see it in any relationship, but these bother me all the more.

 

I'm not sure there is anything anyone can say to you as long as you are refusing to end things with this abusive man. I'm not sure how we can support you. There's only so many times we can say he's being awful and you're right to be hurt. It isn't going to change.

 

It's also pointless whenever someone does make a valid point, you seem to answer with, "Yes, but....I love him...."

 

I can only surmise, this is the life you want. Support from strangers online and a man who treats you like garbage.

 

I give up.

[brothers343]

There has been many of times where the grim ripper was calling but I always managed to elude it. We have all done our share of mistakes and we have learned from them. Four years is a long time but you still have your soul with you. Yes......I know is aching but you still are worth alot. Think of your pain and heartache as a vaccine to the disease that once governed you. I know you will make it. Good luck.

[Grey Cloud]

I also question your MM's integrity. Claiming he loves his w all the time, proclaiming his love for her on FB, organising nice things for her and yet still has his bit on the side. Classy! It must be the biggest ego boost for him knowing he has someone available at his beck and call no matter what to give him oral sex with no intimacy or reciprocation. He doesn't sound like a catch to me at all!!

[ChickiePops]

I think I do hold on to this because it has been going on for so long and I want to believe that he does has feelings for me even though he has never told me he loves me. He tells me he needs and wants both me and his wife. Sometimes I can understand that but other times it just makes me angry, especially when he bends over backwards doing nice things for her like planning date nights and anniversary stuff.

 

What is it that he says or does that makes you think he has feelings for you?

 

Honestly it sounds like he treats you like a toy.

[sandylee1]

I think I do hold on to this because it has been going on for so long and I want to believe that he does has feelings for me even though he has never told me he loves me. He tells me he needs and wants both me and his wife. Sometimes I can understand that but other times it just makes me angry, especially when he bends over backwards doing nice things for her like planning date nights and anniversary stuff.

 

Just listen to yourself........ he plans date nights because he IS MARRIED and that is what MARRIED people do....

You get angry because you jealous of her. .... you have no right to be jealous if you use logic .

 

You've once said she treats him badly ..... you have no idea if this is true. I highly doubt it's true..... and again your MM has no kids..... so that's not why he's still there.

 

He doesn't love you .

He doesn't respect you

He likes the ego boost

 

And I'm sure a lot of MM would love someone to get on her knees and service with pretty much giving NOTHING in return.

 

Does he ever take you out?

Does he come round to your house or just a sneak time at work?

 

Therapy hasn't helped because I don't really think you want to get out of the affair. You delude yourself that he must feel something for you .....otherwise it wouldn't have lasted so long....it's lasted so long because he knows getting another woman he can get away with treating like a free prostitute is not going to happen.

[elaine567]

it's lasted so long because he knows getting another woman he can get away with treating like a free prostitute is not going to happen.

 

^^^^this...

 

Sex is NOT "love", a person can have sex with people they hate, people they do not like, because they are horny at the time and just about any body will do.

This man knows that when he is horny good old Savannah2 will oblige.

He is "da man", he has two women at his beck and call, what's not to like?

Some men need to pay escorts and prostitutes for "extra" sex, all he needs to do is call you.

Most MM at least put on an act of caring, this guy disrespects you every which way, but you just put up with it.

Stop it