DreamP Posted March 11, 2016 Posted March 11, 2016 My marriage is really rough right now. We are trying to work it out. I am hoping this is the bumps that will help us get on the right track. However, kids have noticed that things are not right. They are stressed and not acting the same. I'm not sure what to do. Should I tell them that we are having some problems but are trying to work it out. Or should we just try to act like everything is fine in front of them. Maybe go out on a family dinner/activity together and just try to relax. We are not fighting in front of them, but they of course sense the tension and also see we are both really sad. 1
TaraMaiden2 Posted March 11, 2016 Posted March 11, 2016 You need to consider family counselling. Neither you nor your H are in the right place to offer them appeasement when you two guys are still struggling to make things right. 1
Satu Posted March 11, 2016 Posted March 11, 2016 I also think that some family therapy would be a good idea. If they are old enough to understand, I would talk with them.
Author DreamP Posted March 11, 2016 Author Posted March 11, 2016 Unfortunately therapy is not an immediate option right now. I am working on trying to convince my husband to go. Something I've already brought up numerous times. Currently I'm in the process of trying to find somebody good within our insurance. I know it's not going to happen overnight. What can I do in the mean time? 1
Author DreamP Posted March 11, 2016 Author Posted March 11, 2016 How old are your children? 8 and 11. Pretty young but old enough to know that something in wrong. 1
TaraMaiden2 Posted March 11, 2016 Posted March 11, 2016 You and your H need to find a neutral friend or relative - someone on whom you can rely, and trust to not take sides, someone balanced and fair - and have a family Pow-wow with the kids - and this person present, to 'arbitrate - and talk to the kids. But here's the thing. Talk TO them. Not AT them. And give them the floor, and respond appropriately to their comments, worries and concerns. Never belittle or dismiss their feelings (I've heard adults say things to their children such as "Oh, don't be ridiculous!" or "Well, that's just silly!" when a child has expressed something that to their parent, seems trivial and foolish - to that child, it might be the whole world, and of devastating effect.) Everything your children say to you, they say to you because they are deeply and emotionally affected. You need to comfort them, reassure them and LISTEN to their words. You may need to read between the lines. Kids who hear, witness or are aware of fighting DO get to think that if THEY did something positive, it would help. When that doesn't work, they take it as personal failure. Mom & Dad don't love each other any more could = Mom & Dad don't love me either. Talk to a trustworthy, reliable friend/relative - WITH your H. Express your concerns and ask him, as their dad, to be united with you in settling their fears. If you are both on board with wanting the best for them, this could be the solution you seek. 3
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