newenglandkid Posted March 11, 2016 Share Posted March 11, 2016 Hi guys! So I'll make this short and sweet. I was in a relationship for 18 months before she ended it. I later found out my ex cheated on me, and I was devastated. I remained single for the past 18 months. Fast forward to now, I'm in my first relationship since then. She's an amazing girl, and we've already talked about long term plans. She's heads over heels for me as well, and she continues to reassure me that she'll never hurt me and be with me forever. I just am having a hard time fully trusting her, not her fault, totally because of my ex breaking my heart. My question is, what's the best way to shake this feeling, I want to trust her and not feel like this but I'm always on edge fearing being cheated on again. Any response will be helpful. Thanks! (Happy Friday as well) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted March 11, 2016 Share Posted March 11, 2016 Communication. It's always good to keep good communication, expressing your feelings etc, BUT do not depend on her to keep reassuring you. That is a deadly cycle that will never stop because she is just enabling you to have those feelings.. I think your paranoia is brought on by you falling in love which is totally normal. I think once you get past the infatuation stage, when the rush of feelings settle down, you will feel better. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
blue1987 Posted March 11, 2016 Share Posted March 11, 2016 Let me know when you find out. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author newenglandkid Posted March 11, 2016 Author Share Posted March 11, 2016 Communication. It's always good to keep good communication, expressing your feelings etc, BUT do not depend on her to keep reassuring you. That is a deadly cycle that will never stop because she is just enabling you to have those feelings.. I think your paranoia is brought on by you falling in love which is totally normal. I think once you get past the infatuation stage, when the rush of feelings settle down, you will feel better. Thanks for the reply, I've already talked to her about what happened and not wanting to get hurt. She really was reassuring in telling me that she would never hurt me. But I'm hoping you're right that this feeling settles down soon. I really do love her and don't want to keep feeling like this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LostOnes05 Posted March 11, 2016 Share Posted March 11, 2016 How long have you guys been dating? One thing I've learned about people who make promises and plans for the future early on is that they tend to fade out quickly. They may say they rushed into things too fast, etc. So be careful but try to enjoy your time with her. Don't go searching for them, but if you notice red flags take note and ask yourself if it's something you can deal with long term. Best of luck in your new relationship bro! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author newenglandkid Posted March 11, 2016 Author Share Posted March 11, 2016 How long have you guys been dating? One thing I've learned about people who make promises and plans for the future early on is that they tend to fade out quickly. They may say they rushed into things too fast, etc. So be careful but try to enjoy your time with her. Don't go searching for them, but if you notice red flags take note and ask yourself if it's something you can deal with long term. Best of luck in your new relationship bro! Yeah I hear you, only been together for 3 months but we've said like that **** ain't happening for like years. And to be honest I think I'm just getting too paranoid, like I'm mostly worried about her and her ex (who I think lived in Florida, very far from us). I feel dumb being that worried but I can't help it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted March 11, 2016 Share Posted March 11, 2016 How long have you guys been dating? One thing I've learned about people who make promises and plans for the future early on is that they tend to fade out quickly. They may say they rushed into things too fast, etc. So be careful but try to enjoy your time with her. Don't go searching for them, but if you notice red flags take note and ask yourself if it's something you can deal with long term. Best of luck in your new relationship bro! I agree, when you are in the honeymoon stage, it is typical to talk about the future, marriage, foreverness, etc....for now that is all it is TALK and should never be taken as promises. seriously you can't possibly know someone enough to know they are who you want to marry in that short of time...what you are feeling is what mother nature had installed to pair bond us so that the species can carry on. Life gives no guarantees.....relationships are a crap shoot....you never know if it's the real deal or not.....but you do have to get there somehow right? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author newenglandkid Posted March 11, 2016 Author Share Posted March 11, 2016 I agree, when you are in the honeymoon stage, it is typical to talk about the future, marriage, foreverness, etc....for now that is all it is TALK and should never be taken as promises. seriously you can't possibly know someone enough to know they are who you want to marry in that short of time...what you are feeling is what mother nature had installed to pair bond us so that the species can carry on. Life gives no guarantees.....relationships are a crap shoot....you never know if it's the real deal or not.....but you do have to get there somehow right? Thanks for the great advice guys. Sounds like communication is the key, which I agree with. I just don't want her to get the impression that I don't trust her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted March 11, 2016 Share Posted March 11, 2016 Yeah I hear you, only been together for 3 months but we've said like that **** ain't happening for like years. And to be honest I think I'm just getting too paranoid, like I'm mostly worried about her and her ex (who I think lived in Florida, very far from us). I feel dumb being that worried but I can't help it. We all get extra jealous or paranoid when we fall in love......they don't call it being love sick for no reason lol 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted March 11, 2016 Share Posted March 11, 2016 Thanks for the great advice guys. Sounds like communication is the key, which I agree with. I just don't want her to get the impression that I don't trust her. You can say nice things like "I love you so much, I worry about losing you." "I don't know what I would do without you." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author newenglandkid Posted March 11, 2016 Author Share Posted March 11, 2016 You can say nice things like "I love you so much, I worry about losing you." "I don't know what I would do without you." Yeah, I mean I've told that and other things similar to that before. And she's come right back out and said like "I'd never hurt you, I love you and always will." So she is wicked reassuring, like I said it's just my paranoia that has me worried when I shouldn't be. Right? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted March 11, 2016 Share Posted March 11, 2016 Read post #9 again lol. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted March 11, 2016 Share Posted March 11, 2016 (edited) *snip *I just am having a hard time fully trusting her, not her fault, totally because of my ex breaking my heart. My question is, what's the best way to shake this feeling, I want to trust her and not feel like this but I'm always on edge fearing being cheated on again. *Keep in mind the fact that the past does not shape the future. The present does shape the future, though. Just focus on whats good in the present. Edited March 11, 2016 by Satu Link to post Share on other sites
Author newenglandkid Posted March 11, 2016 Author Share Posted March 11, 2016 *snip *Keep in mind the fact that the past does not shape the future. The present does shape the future, though. Just focus on whats good in the present. A-freaking-men. Thank you all for your replies, reading these have calmed me down this morning. Hopefully this continues going forward! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted March 11, 2016 Share Posted March 11, 2016 How about this....would you be interested in sharing your experience about your ex and the relationship with us? Maybe it would make you feel better talking it out with the community....help you make sense of it, etc. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author newenglandkid Posted March 11, 2016 Author Share Posted March 11, 2016 How about this....would you be interested in sharing your experience about your ex and the relationship with us? Maybe it would make you feel better talking it out with the community....help you make sense of it, etc. Well basically we met my senior year of college and we actually lived really close to each other when we were home. We would see each other every day and we're pretty good for a while. We would get into fights because she didn't like spending time at my house because my parents were there. Which typically I didn't care about but when I was spending 5-6 nights there it was getting a bit much. She also liked to drink and would get in arguments whenever she drank. Two specific times when I was the DD and I wanted to leave (after it was already late) she would run away and say she hated me or start yelling at me. Finally she ended it after 18 months, and she initially said that she fell out of love with me. But turns out she had been talking with a guy she works with and we're a couple maybe 3 months afterwards. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Peach Posted March 11, 2016 Share Posted March 11, 2016 Communication. It's always good to keep good communication, expressing your feelings etc, BUT do not depend on her to keep reassuring you. That is a deadly cycle that will never stop because she is just enabling you to have those feelings.. I think your paranoia is brought on by you falling in love which is totally normal. I think once you get past the infatuation stage, when the rush of feelings settle down, you will feel better. I agree with this. I wasn't cheated on in my last rs but even so, I was anxious the first several months that BF would change his mind. He was also watching for signs I was changing my mind as he was falling for me. I think everyone has these fears to some extent when they meet someone they really care about. Link to post Share on other sites
Author newenglandkid Posted March 11, 2016 Author Share Posted March 11, 2016 I agree with this. I wasn't cheated on in my last rs but even so, I was anxious the first several months that BF would change his mind. He was also watching for signs I was changing my mind as he was falling for me. I think everyone has these fears to some extent when they meet someone they really care about. Well I guess I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one who has these feelings, even if they're not cheated on. I really do like her and she hasn't done anything to give me serious suspicion, just me being anxious/paranoid, whatever you want to call this lol Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted March 12, 2016 Share Posted March 12, 2016 Sounds like your ex had issues with the relationship from the start. The abusive drunk, disrespect, selfishness, etc red flags were there. Things seemed off balance, she turned unhappy, fell out of love, escaped by having an affair. She was a hot mess. Behavior is telling. Your new GF treats you with love, respect, and isn't a bad drunk. I think you will be ok. Link to post Share on other sites
Author newenglandkid Posted March 12, 2016 Author Share Posted March 12, 2016 Sounds like your ex had issues with the relationship from the start. The abusive drunk, disrespect, selfishness, etc red flags were there. Things seemed off balance, she turned unhappy, fell out of love, escaped by having an affair. She was a hot mess. Behavior is telling. Your new GF treats you with love, respect, and isn't a bad drunk. I think you will be ok. Yeah definitely, very disrespectful at times and selfish. Me and the current Gf talked last night night like you guys had recommended and I feel a lot better, I explained what had happened to me in the past and how I was feeling. It was really comforting to hear her tell me that she's completely over her ex, and that the other guy i was "worried" about was just a high school friend that she has no feelings for. Waking up next to her this morning feeling way better than I did 24 hours ago 1 Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted March 12, 2016 Share Posted March 12, 2016 Do not make someone pay, for the sins of another. If you still have some dirt in your head from your past relationship, turn your head sideways and give it a few whacks until the dirt falls out of your ear. I am serious about that. Give it a shot next time your mind travels. Good luck and love. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted March 12, 2016 Share Posted March 12, 2016 I agree with 66charger. You only have one life to live. There is no point in taking the joy out of relationships because of something that happened in the past. Don't you enjoy being happy? This is a new day, and even better, a new person. Leave it in the past. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Maxtor Posted March 12, 2016 Share Posted March 12, 2016 You can say nice things like "I love you so much, I worry about losing you." "I don't know what I would do without you." Please don't say this. This only emasculates you. Gotta learn to be more confident. Whatever happens, happens. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted March 12, 2016 Share Posted March 12, 2016 Please don't say this. This only emasculates you. Gotta learn to be more confident. Whatever happens, happens. This is what people tell each other during the honeymoon stage, where both parties are head over heels in love with each other. This doesn't emasculates anyone. I had BFs say these things to me and it only intensified the bond/ connection that was growing between us. Link to post Share on other sites
Author newenglandkid Posted March 14, 2016 Author Share Posted March 14, 2016 This is what people tell each other during the honeymoon stage, where both parties are head over heels in love with each other. This doesn't emasculates anyone. I had BFs say these things to me and it only intensified the bond/ connection that was growing between us. Honestly thinking more and more about it, my ex had told me leading up to the breakup that everything was fine. I had little to no feeling that it was going to end, and I think I'm having that same feeling now. We had a great, great weekend together and she's going to be back Tuesday and Wednesday because she's on her spring break. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts