My crush emails me.......

[How_Do_I_Know]

To those of you who know my story, my crush emails me often but not unless I reply back to him. If I don't reply back to him he seems bummed. The other day I replied to him saying that "over the weekend don't get too hot".... he replied back and said "I did get too hot, I was outside all weekend". Then he wrote back and commented me by saying "I bet you got a good suntan" and he stated that he had a weird dream about me the other night. What exactly does it mean when he includes "weird" in a sentence that involves you in a dream he had???

 

Also..... and I know western man will have good advice to this: right now that flirting going on seems innocent and NOT dangerous or even close to crossing the line. I know that my crush and I are BOTH "playing" each other, so my question is this (western I need your help)..... how do I know where to draw the line? Did him telling me that he had a dream cross the line? Or should I ignore it? How do I just stop this nonsense flirting cold turkey??? HELP!!!

 

Right now my husband (just in the last 3 weeks) has been acting like a jerk lately! I mean he has been a totally different person calling me names and that I am a "nobody"..... not sure what's up with him (maybe he has a "crush" at work too???) But, I feel that when he treats me bad, the flirting makes me feel better... but it'll NEVER be more than that..... HONESTLY..... I really do feel like "just a friend" to my "crush" and I help him feel good about himself when times are tough and vice versa (the flirting that is).

[How_Do_I_Know]

Also, I AM just a flirtatious person by nature, and my husband knows this and he ISN'T bothered by it..... but am I leading my crush on when I do this? Like, if this guy is such a player, why doesn't he move on to the next chick? Why doesn't he do this to other women? At least I don't see him doing it to other women but.... am I playing with his emotions or is he really all about the sex?

 

Do men EVER have emotions with the women they find attractive? Especially when there's so much at stake like his marriage and family??? I still can't come to terms on why he would want to risk that? I feel for his wife and family.... she has no clue about his motives! Me..... I have no motives for him.... just that I think he's cute! And we flirt..... that's it! I would actually be intimidated by him if we hooked up because that's how gorgeous this man is!!!

 

He is OUT of my league..... but am I leading him on by teasing him this way (flirting with him)? Or.... does he have the sense that I could possibly be playing him? Not to get in his pants though.... just for pure amusement? I don't get it??? I am confused! Because he has NO IDEA of my marital/family status..... so....... I am just a confused soul! Because I know that if my husband wanted to just get in another girls pants..... he would "just get in the girls pants" there would be no ifs or buts about it.... just a wam bam thank you mam. He wouldn't carry it on as long as this man has done with me. But then again, I am never "alone" with him.... so in other words, if this man just wants a good bang, then after all this work to be able to get in my pants, would he just leave me alone after that??? Or would he still pay attention to me??? How shallow!!!! LOL! Whay do men risk it all for that?????

[LucreziaBorgia]

and he stated that he had a weird dream about me the other night. What exactly does it mean when he includes "weird" in a sentence that involves you in a dream he had???

 

'Weird' means sexual usual - or at the very least, vaguely erotic. He is planting a seed in your mind that he thinks of you in a sexual way. I used to use that trick all the time. If I wanted to sleep with someone, and I had a dream about them - I'd tell them about it, pretending that I thought it was 'weird' or 'that I was embarrassed', but I knew that by telling them about it, it would plant the seed for more. It would either introduce the idea of sex with me, or reinforce it. He probably didn't come right out and mention the sexual part because it may have not been blatantly sexual, or he hasn't crossed that particular line with you yet. Either way, he is letting you know that you are on his mind by telling you about this dream. If I had a dream about someone, and I didn't want them getting the wrong idea, I just wouldn't mention it. He wouldn't mention it to you, if he didn't want you to get the wrong idea.

 

right now that flirting going on seems innocent and NOT dangerous or even close to crossing the line. I know that my crush and I are BOTH "playing" each other, so my question is this how do I know where to draw the line?

 

"Seems" is the operative word here. Would either of you sit your spouses down and tell them about this flirtation (meaning it would likely end), or would you hide it (to prevent it from ending)? If you would hide it, then it isn't innocent. Where to draw the line? At this point, as long as your flirtation continues - any lines you draw are going to be about as firm as lines drawn in dry sand. Your desire for him outweighs your ability to draw any firm lines right now, much less keep yourself from crossing them. Remember: think of how firm your line would be if he asked to see you outside of work. Would you say no? There's your line for you, right there. As soon as you cross one line, you will draw another and then cross it. All along you'll continue to fool yourself that what you are doing is 'innocent' and that you are 'friends'.

 

Right now my husband (just in the last 3 weeks) has been acting like a jerk lately! I mean he has been a totally different person calling me names and that I am a "nobody"..... not sure what's up with him (maybe he has a "crush" at work too???) But, I feel that when he treats me bad, the flirting makes me feel better... but it'll NEVER be more than that..... HONESTLY..... I really do feel like "just a friend" to my "crush" and I help him feel good about himself when times are tough and vice versa (the flirting that is).

 

And herein lies the danger. You already see him in a better light than you do your husband - and you are seeing your flirting with this guy as an escape from your husband. Why is your husband being an ass? He saw you in love once. He is seeing it again: only not with him. Its not as easy to hide as you think. He may already know or have heard something about you and this guy.

 

.... but am I leading my crush on when I do this? Like, if this guy is such a player, why doesn't he move on to the next chick? Why doesn't he do this to other women? At least I don't see him doing it to other women but.... am I playing with his emotions or is he really all about the sex?

 

To some extent, yes - you are accepting his advances. You could have said "no, I'm married and not interested". He will move on to the next chick. He just isn't done with this flirtation yet. Why not with other women? Are you so sure he doesn't? I don't think you are playing with his emotions, but its very apparent he is playing yours. Sex? Of course. Otherwise he wouldn't be flirting with you.

 

if this man just wants a good bang, then after all this work to be able to get in my pants, would he just leave me alone after that??? Or would he still pay attention to me???

 

Its apparent that you want to 'accidently' have an affair with this guy: so here's something you'll need to know. He may want a good bang. He will want lots of good bangs. He will genuinely like you and will probably continue to see you for a while, but if you fail to keep your place as a convenient OW or your relationship starts causing problems for him with his family - or his W finds out - he will leave you alone. Your worth to him lies primarily in what he can get away with without being caught.

 

Whay do men risk it all for that?????

 

For the same reason you are. This flirtation makes you feel attractive, wanted and happy. I expect you feel alive, thrilled and sexy when he pays attention to you. It is the addiction to how this guy makes you feel that causes you to risk it all. It is what is keeping you from drawing the line yourself. It is what keeps you from saying "I'm married, and I need for you to leave me alone and stop contacting me in any way, shape or form".

[mental_traveller]

You're leading him on. He doesn't want to move onto the next chick because he wants to screw you first, and put your notch on his bedpost before he tries with the next woman. He's risking his marriage because he is a man, and many men have a strong urge to screw lots of women, even if they're married and have kids. There is no such thing as a man who's "out of your league" if you are a woman who isn't hideously ugly. Most men, especially players, will nail pretty much any 20-something female who isn't repulsive, in the right situation at least. Your husband may well subconsciously have picked up on the fact that you're getting attention at work, and this may be why he's annoyed with you.

 

There is no such thing as "innocent" flirting that lasts a long time. An "innocent" flirt is a one off at a bus stop, shop counter or airline seat - and even that's not really innocent. Flirting repeatedly at work is not remotely innocent - anyone who thinks so is just being naive. Finally, why doesn't he know you're married? Why haven't you told him? Simple answer - you don't want to put him off, you enjoy the attention, and quite frankly you probably want to jump into bed with him.

 

IMO the situation is quite clear. You are lying to yourself, lying to your husband, and you want to screw this guy's brains out, but you don't have the gumption to admit it. So not only are you a naive cheat and a liar, you are a coward too. You're basically acting like a skanky two bit ho.

 

The best way to judge any behaviour is to ask "How would I feel if everyone knew what I was doing? How would I feel if someone acted this way towards me?" That's the golden rule - do unto others as you'd like to have done unto you. Does your behaviour pass this test? Unless you are a complete sociopath, I think the answer is a big fat NO.

[How_Do_I_Know]

Well anyways.... I hope you all know that it takes two! I am NOT the only bad person here.... he is too! HE is THE ONE that INITIATED this in the first place.

 

But, he doesn't know that I am married because he has never asked. At least I don't know that he doesn't know that I am married, I wear my wedding ring you know.

 

I think I scared him off anyhow... he's been acting weird.

[whichwayisup]

Originally posted by How_Do_I_Know

Well anyways.... I hope you all know that it takes two! I am NOT the only bad person here.... he is too! HE is THE ONE that INITIATED this in the first place.

 

But, he doesn't know that I am married because he has never asked. At least I don't know that he doesn't know that I am married, I wear my wedding ring you know.

 

I think I scared him off anyhow... he's been acting weird.

 

You're not a bad person. Neither is he. You both are getting something out of it, whether that each of you are finding life at home is boring or there are problems. It's just dangerous because feelings can develope...

 

It is nice to have somebody desire you and want to talk to you, make you laugh but this situation could easily spin out of control and lead to something else.

 

It sounds like he's seeing how interested you are by letting you know he's been dreaming of you. Be direct and honest with him, don't allow him to rely on you for his happiness. You said he gets bummed if you don't reply to his emails...That is a sign (or he's playing a game, but I don't think he's trying to f*ck you over. I think he's got some feelings there too) of what is next to come. Either keep it on the straight and narrow - Casual email buddies, nothing that crosses the line (Meaning if your H stumbled across the emails, would they be acceptable for him to read? If no, then it's crossing the line. If yes, well, then you have a nice email buddy. Nothing more, nothing less.) or if he can't handle that or you can't, then it's time to say goodbye for good.

 

I think you need to talk to your husband and work on the problems. He isn't treating you very well - Who knows why, but you need to find out what is going on inside his head. Marriage is hard at times, it's the easier way to let things roll on by - Hope that they get better - but they don't usually. Tell your husband that some guy has been heavily flirting with you, that you're liking it and YOU need HIM to give you that TLC, not this crushguy. Tell him what is missing from the marriage, your needs and desires. Go to marriage councilling and work together. Hopefully he'll go with you and things can get better.

[How_Do_I_Know]

Thanks so much! You really sound so truly genuine when you repsond to people's threads. I have also posted another thread here about how his reactions were today. I think that you are right though...

 

I do beleive that he has "some" feelings there which is why I care to differ about the "just for sex" thing. I do beleive however that he isn't looking for another "wife" but I do feel that he has "some" feelings for me because this crush has been developing for quite some time and he just seems like such a nice guy. There has been other men who have starred at me and flirted with me in the past but he seems different for some reason. I DON'T want to even beleive what I am telling you right now but that's just what my intuition tells me. Please don't think I am a ho.

 

Also, there is a lady who I speak with who knows him quite well, she has been working with him for about 9 years now and she said that she has noticed a change in him in the last few weeks. He's become forgettful and not his usual self. So maybe he's got this on his mind too like I do with him. She also told me how he's never been in an affair before at least not that she knows of and has never heard any problems in his marriage so for him to be acting differently (when I am not around) tells me something.

 

But I think he is becoming confused he seems like he is kind of nervous around me and also on the phone when I called him about an appointment once. I thought I was just imagining this but I think there's even just a little tiny bit more here than just a "wam bam thank you mam type of thing" So I don't really know.... I am confused myself. I am sure he loves his wife and kids, but I think that he is becoming very confused himself about his feelings..... and he is 31 years old..... I think he would be just a little more mature than some other men that I know, or at least the ones that have hit on me in the past.

 

Thanks though for your concerns and comments! It is highly appreciated!

[whichwayisup]

Hey, thanks for the compliment! That was nice of you to say.

 

We all go through weird s*** in marriages, ups and downs. The problems start though when the talking stops. Communication is so important.

 

With this guy, what you're feeling is probably what he is feeling. That is why it's dangerous pursuing a friendship because both of you are getting stuff out of it that really isn't right when both of you are married.

 

You're not a Ho, lol. (Sorry that word just makes me laugh!)

 

Ask your husband why he is so down. Find out what is bothering him. Could be work stress, could be him picking up on vibes from you or maybe he's got his own s*** going on inside and can't talk about it. Men aren't ones who will want to discuss what's on their minds...We do that, they don't!

 

OOPS, big delay in writing this, huge thunderstorms are passing through were I live, I'm terrified of T storms so I had to keep moving around the house! LOL! (Yeah I have an anxiety disorder) My hubby is working late tonight and I'm here alone right now...

 

Anyway, I do hope things get better at home. Try to distract yourself from the crush guy. When he enters your head, push the thoughts OUT. You can control your thoughts, it's hard but worth it in the end.