Former Coworkers Calling

[Miss Peach]

I need some advice. I'm not sure if this sounds innocent or not.

 

I left my last job about 6 months ago. I had worked there for many years and worked closely with many people there, went to happy hours, holiday parties, their kid's birthday parties, etc.

 

Since leave I've kept in touch with several people there and we would talk or text every 1-3 months. I live in a large city but my industry feels small here and I always seem to run into people I know or know people in common wherever I interview, work, etc.

 

Over the last few weeks one guy at my former company called me up and asked me to a house gather with a lot of my former coworkers. He told me everyone was bringing their families and since he doesn't have one thought it would be fun to invite me so we could all catch up. I asked him if it was OK to bring my BF. He said yes, set a time, and said he would text me the address but has failed to do so. I'm guessing it's a 50/50 chance he will flake.

 

The second incident was a former coworker of mine who I worked closely with wanted to meet up for lunch or dinner. We met, caught up, and he insisted on paying the bill. Since then he has called me 3 times in the last week. The last two times he wanted to do it again this week. He's married, I know his wife, I've been to his kid's parties, etc.

 

So far neither has stepped over the line but I'm not sure I buy either invitation as completely innocent. Neither of these guys called me when we worked together. If they invited me anywhere it was just casually in the office as a 'Hey everyone's going to ABC place at 5'.

 

Am I reading too much into this? Or does this seem innocent? Or could these guys be angling for something?

 

Also I have a BF. I told him about the party invitation and that I met up with the second guy. How much of this would you want to know? If I get any confirmation that this may not be innocent I will cut off contact in respect of my BF so there's nothing he needs to worry about. Is that when I should tell him? I don't want to make him feel jealous or come off like bragging. But I also want to be honest and open with him.

Edited March 11, 2016 by Miss Peach

[jen1447]

Ok, actually knowing nothing and neither of these guys and just speculating based on life experience, I say they're both angling. Guy #2 is obvious - wants dates bscly while being married. Guy #1 is more on the line but I think what happened there is he wanted you to go w/him and when you mentioned BF he saved face and said "sure" but that was the end of his actual designs and so you haven't heard anything.

 

I'd tell your BF everything.

[rester]

I agree with jen. If the first guy does give you the address, he may be sincere. Otherwise, he probably thought it'd be a good way to test the waters with you and see if you'd be open to a real date in the future, or not.

 

The second guy situation is suspicious, mainly because he has texted you a few times and wants to get together again so soon. If his intentions were innocent, I'd think it'd only be appropriate to ask you out once every month or so, maximum. And even that sounds to be too frequent to get together with an old work contact. Lunch is clearly more innocent than dinner.

 

Dinner should probably be more of a couple situation, although I'll admit I do occasionally have dinner alone with a female former-coworker. The key is transparency. My girlfriend knows about it, and so does the former-coworker's husband, and it's very infrequent.

 

I also agree with telling your boyfriend everything. It sounds like you're going about it the best way you can and that you have solid boundaries with these men.

[Miss Peach]

I'm glad to hear what you guys are both thinking the same as I am. Both situations seemed suspicious to me.

 

I always tell my BF everything. He knows about both the invitation and when I met up with the second guy. I had an ex who would always 'forget' to tell me that sort of stuff and I always found it hurtful and it did nothing for my trust in him. I wouldn't want to do something like that to BF.

 

The only thing I hadn't told BF was that my spidey senses are being alerted. I get hit on a lot so I am never sure whether to tell BF all of that even though I tell these guys no and he has nothing to worry about. It just seems like it would be awkward if every date I say 'Since our last date 4 guys asked me out'.

[jen1447]

The only thing I hadn't told BF was that my spidey senses are being alerted. I get hit on a lot so I am never sure whether to tell BF all of that even though I tell these guys no and he has nothing to worry about. It just seems like it would be awkward if every date I say 'Since our last date 4 guys asked me out'.

 

I've found a good rule of thumb is if it means sth to you, it'll probably mean sth to him. So if you're brooding over it at all, you should share. If it rolls off your back like nothing, you don't have to make a point of saying anything. Didn't mean anything to you.

[anika99]

I agree with Jen too. I also think you handled the first guy really well but not sure what you should do about the second guy. Maybe try something similar to what you did with the first. Then next time the guy ask you out to lunch maybe say it's hard for you to get away for lunch but you would be happy to invite him to dinner with both you and your bf and hey bring your wife too. See what he has to say to that. At the very least he will get the hint that you are not interested in having a secret friendship with him.

[whichwayisup]

The people you text with from your previous job, any women or is it just men?

 

Forget them. the guy who invited you to the party with him didn't expect you to ask to bring your BF, so chances are he won't text that address to where the party is. If you want to go still, text (a woman) a friend and get the address from her.

 

The other guy who is married? Getting together, 3 times in less than 2 weeks is way too much and borderline inappropriate. I doubt his wife (nor your BF) would like this time spent together. Once every few months is a quick catch up over lunch or dinner, but what he is pushing for is questionable.

[S_A]

I'm glad to hear what you guys are both thinking the same as I am. Both situations seemed suspicious to me.

 

I always tell my BF everything. He knows about both the invitation and when I met up with the second guy. I had an ex who would always 'forget' to tell me that sort of stuff and I always found it hurtful and it did nothing for my trust in him. I wouldn't want to do something like that to BF.

 

The only thing I hadn't told BF was that my spidey senses are being alerted. I get hit on a lot so I am never sure whether to tell BF all of that even though I tell these guys no and he has nothing to worry about. It just seems like it would be awkward if every date I say 'Since our last date 4 guys asked me out'.

 

My GF always tell me about when she gets hit on. And she too had had past coworkers/school mates (guys) reach out to her etc saying they wanted to catch up or keep in touch when in fact the guys wanted something more. It never bothered me. I can't blame other guys for having good taste and trying, right?

 

Anyway, my GF would accept their invitations for lunch etc (she'd always ask me if it was OK first, even though she does not need my permission) and the guys would all eventually express an interested in dating her. If she saw them more than once it would not bother me either because it's not like I'm going to lose her to any of them. So if your BF isn't the jealous type, I don't see why it'd be a problem to tell him these things.

 

FWIW, my GF would totally brag lol. It's fine though. She isn't obnoxious about it.

Edited March 12, 2016 by S_A

[Miss Peach]

Update: The first guy actually texted the address to me. So maybe I did jump to conclusions. I will check it out with BF. The second guy will be there with his family so maybe seeing BF there will be good. Plus I can talk to his wife and see how much she knows. Plus BF can meet the people I talked about for months.

 

Anika - This last time the second guy asked I had plans so I just said that and didn't offer another date. He's already suggesting next week. I'm going to suggest a double date.

 

SA - Good to hear it didn't bother you. I think my BF might be the same most of the times he says me XH had good taste. He jokes that an awesome woman visited him (me) or will joke if my other BFs did that. So I never really has any obvious jealousy from him. But he's been a but insecure lately (posted threads where he was concerned I was pulling away) so that's why I hesitate. But we seem to be in the same place finally so it's been better lately.

 

Jen - That's a good rule. Thanks!

 

The people you text with from your previous job, any women or is it just men?

 

The other guy who is married? Getting together, 3 times in less than 2 weeks is way too much and borderline inappropriate. I doubt his wife (nor your BF) would like this time spent together. Once every few months is a quick catch up over lunch or dinner, but what he is pushing for is questionable.

 

Just to clear things up I may met with guy #2 once; not 3'times. BF knows about it. The part that made me uneasy is he called for a second meeting so soon. He also called me several times last week. I picked up only twice though. The second time it was because guy #1 called me at the same time so I thought something crazy might have happened at work. Both guys called and asked me; not texted. Guy #1 who invited me to the party is recently divorced. Guy #2 is married.

 

It's usually just men who contact me. Only one is a woman. My field is male dominated and a lot of women leave it so I am usually one of the only women in the workplace; especially in the types of roles that I do. When there are women it's usually in a project management or administrative role; not in the same role as the guys and me. BF is in nearly the same field so he knows how it is. Every job we go to we usually run into someone we know or one of their friends who ask about whether we are any good. So it's important not to burn bridges. That's why I don't mind keeping in touch. But I just don't want to give these guys the impression I'm willing to cheat or help them cheat.

Edited March 12, 2016 by Miss Peach

[jen1447]

Peaches, being as you get hit on all the time you know the likelihood of what this kind of thing usually is. I'm not saying it has to be that or it always is with no exceptions, but if you're hot, you know that the reason for most interest is usually gonna be attraction-based, whether you've got other history or not.

 

Point of pointing that out is just that with that info as your guide, you can weed out a lot of the question marks in life.

[preraph]

I wouldn't automatically assume they're trying to date you, but it's possible. Because they're men. Like you said, your industry is a small world. They may be savvy networkers and feel it's prudent to keep in touch with anyone they may cross paths with again. And they also may simply like you as a person. You absolutely did the right thing asking to bring your husband. Whether he responds or not will give you the answer there.

 

You should now invite your husband along on the second one. When he tries to see you again, say "Shall I bring my husband? I don't usually go out with men without him. And why don't you bring your wife?" Then what he does will give you that answer.

[ShatteredLady]

Any networking 'catching-up' lunches & dinners we go to we do as a couple. I think that's for the best. It's actually better & builds stronger work relationships to make it family things after you no longer work for the company.

 

I hate to say it (I never used to be like this) but there's a lot to the old adage that 'men will be men'. I've spent many years giving support & being part of 'chronic pain' groups. I always thought of it as 100% innocent. Lately I let it slip that I was having marital issues (most chronic pain patients, particularly women get divorced) & was very, very disappointed by how many men I thought of as innocent friends (many married) propositioned me. Ugh!

 

You're not married & you're no longer a coworker. I think you're correct in having your spider senses on high alert. Sadly.

[sandylee1]

. Lately I let it slip that I was having marital issues (most chronic pain patients, particularly women get divorced) & was very, very disappointed by how many men I thought of as innocent friends (many married) propositioned me. Ugh!

 

.

 

I had a BH I supported a while where this happened.

His wife lost her mother and was struggling ....so she joined a bereavement support group online.

 

She met a man who'd lost his dad and in tuned to an EA then PA..... ending as almost in further tragedy.

 

OP - just always be clear to all these guys that you have a BF and turn invitations into a double date thing.... after all being as attractive as you are .... they can't expect that your single.

[Jersey born raised]

The acid test is if sure, it sounds like something my boyfriend would like to. Can I invite him? If not politely decline and suggest the three of you get together another time. Bye your BF may accept it is necessary to network, doesn't mean he feels concern.

 

The quickest way to shut down a guy who is hunting is to thank him and say my Husband says the samethimg. You know it always mean some much more coming from him - thanks though. Most will give up after the first attempt. Oh, never offer a return comment.

 

One final point, your BF will feel much more comfortable knowing you try to include him. Remember it is the effort that counts.

[Popsicle]

You probably took care of the first one by telling him that you have a boyfriend and inviting your boyfriend. Single men give up very easily if they get even a whiff of rejection. Have you told the second one (the married one) that you have a boyfriend? You didn't mention in the opening post.

[Jersey born raised]

I think it is a very good habit to use you spouse when dealing with OSF or networking. So for example if a OSF suggested a get together I would say great, why don't you call spouse and set up a time and changed the subject. Once when I very close friend was going though a bad breakup, while I would have a brief conversation with her I would have my wife call and check in with her and set up get a together with all of us. I expected my wife to be there fir my friends and myself to be there for her's.

 

While you are only dating my rule for friends in marriage does begin to apply to you. My rule of thumb, a spouse cannot have a friend who is not first a friend and supporter of the marriage. You can enjoy a laugh with them, if on occasion in a social situation you cross paths you can hang, but they only be an Ally in some matter - but not a friend.

 

Do you understand why?

[Miss Peach]

Update: The party went well. There were a lot of people there I knew including the married guy and his family. Everyone got to meet BF. The divorced guy who invited me was really welcoming to us both. The married guy went to hang out with his wife a few hours in. (They're from a culture where the men and women socialize in separate rooms. The people from my former company and BF were socializing in a third room.) The wife was with the women. The married guy went between the two rooms.

 

I think with the divorced guy is just a bit lonely. He is getting divorced for a year now and he's from a country where you don't do that. Everyone is very marriage minded in his social circle. Everyone at the party was showing us all their married kids and asked BF and I when we were getting married as an example. He's asked me advice about his divorce and asked me a few things during the party. BF was right next to me. He doesn't know anyone else who went through a divorce. We also caught up about our jobs and he wants out of our former workplace so I think it was also to network. The divorced guy texted me afterward thanking us for coming to the party. I was with BF so I mentioned to him about the texts.

 

You probably took care of the first one by telling him that you have a boyfriend and inviting your boyfriend. Single men give up very easily if they get even a whiff of rejection. Have you told the second one (the married one) that you have a boyfriend? You didn't mention in the opening post.

 

Both know about BF. When I caught up with the married guy I mentioned BF a lot. At the party both men were there and met him.

Edited March 14, 2016 by Miss Peach

[Miss Peach]

The married guy called three times yesterday. I didn't pick up the phone. It doesn't look like meeting the BF or me talking to his wife did anything to deter him.

[whichwayisup]

Time to block him.

[jen1447]

The married guy called three times yesterday. I didn't pick up the phone. It doesn't look like meeting the BF or me talking to his wife did anything to deter him.

 

Aw. I was rooting for this being innocent but nobody calls 3 times in one day to see about catching up some more. :-/

[Miss Peach]

Aw. I was rooting for this being innocent but nobody calls 3 times in one day to see about catching up some more. :-/

 

Yeah I was hoping it was innocent too. I think the divorced guy was innocent but the married guy is coming on too strong to be innocent.

[jen1447]

Yeah I was hoping it was innocent too. I think the divorced guy was innocent but the married guy is coming on too strong to be innocent.

 

Oh well ....the perils of being a foxy peach.

[Emilia]

When you work with men you have to be assertive at all times. Everyone who stays within an industry works in a small industry. When I left my previous job, I had 3 men contacting me, 2 definitely not innocent. I said no thank you and made out that the location wasn't convenient for me anymore, no ifs, no buts. You can't pussyfoot around men, just say no. That doesn't mean your current or future job will be affected in any way.

[rester]

The married guy called three times yesterday. I didn't pick up the phone. It doesn't look like meeting the BF or me talking to his wife did anything to deter him.

 

Bummer. I agree with the others. I can't think of any circumstance this would be appropriate, even if he were a dating prospect.

 

Does he leave messages? What does he say in those messages?

[Miss Peach]

Bummer. I agree with the others. I can't think of any circumstance this would be appropriate, even if he were a dating prospect.

 

Does he leave messages? What does he say in those messages?

 

No he didn't. They just showed up as missed calls on my phone.