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My partner is divorcing catholic crazy woman with two small children


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Do you not realise those precious children are part of a family?

 

Is it your intention to deprive them of their father for the rest of their lives ?

What do you intend to do the weekends that he has access, or are you expecting him never to see them again? I think that is a very destructive and selfish expectation to have.

 

This relationship will fall in a heap if you refuse to accept them as part of him.

 

YOu are living in fairy land if you think you can have him and not them. There will be long lasting consequences for everyone concerned.

 

Poppy.

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bathtub-row

You wanted to know if anyone else had been in a similar situation. I have. I was deeply involved with a MM for several years. He had 3 kids. Now, I wouldn't refer to myself as a kid lover but I don't hate them either. However, if those kids are related to me, or kids of my friends, etc, I feel much differently toward them. As far as MM's kids were concerned, I loved them 100%. They were his flesh and blood and, because I loved him so much, I couldn't fathom hating anything that was a part of him. It would not have been possible.

 

I must say that I feel a certain amount of shock reading what you've written about your lack of feelings toward this man's children, the way you objectify them. I don't know what to tell you except that I hope you understand that your stance on this issue is quite off-the-wall and most likely will be deadly to your relationship with him. I think that you're wrong for him and he's wrong for you.

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I guess this is one of the fears a wife has when a husband leaves for the OW... that she'll be a cold hearted person who might mistreat her kids. The only saving grace is that you won't meet them.

 

I'm honestly having trouble believing that if can't stand kids you'd involve yourself with a man who has kids... much less a MM with kids.

 

What part of your thinking thought that was a wise move?

 

If this man is a half decent father.... you have no worry about the kids because you won't be around for long..... you'll be ok to meet his immediate needs.... but that's about it.

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the OP and her attitude to kids sounds very much like my ex-husband. Note the "ex". So glad to not have him and his horrible attitude in my life any longer.

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Hmm... Not sure whom I find more odd and self-centred, you or your partner.

 

But if you want some advice, here it is:

 

 

1. Don't beleive all he tells you of his wife and marriage.

2. If he really doesn't want you to meet his children for that long. He is either a liar, doesn't see you as a longterm prospect or he is a pisspoor father and crap human being.

 

However I may refer to my kids as my PGMs from now in. Classic!!

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you won't meet his kids in 2 cases:

a. you won't live together &

b. he's going to be a deadbeat.

 

that's really it.

 

I'm guessing some from coulmn A and some from column B.

 

I know we all like to say nice things like "can't break up with the kids" and "s/he's a package deal", but the reality is that parents abandon their kids on a fairly regular basis.

 

Heck, I believe my county released some stats claiming that about 40% of fathers with visitation don't see their kids. Literally half the kids on my block couldn't pick their fathers out of a line up and are being raised by single mothers with SO's or step-fathers. My own kids included.

 

So, realistically, the kids might never be a problem because this MM could simply decide to walk away and start over without them.

 

The question is, why on Earth would anyone want to be involved with the kind of cold reptillian person who could do something like that?

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he had been unhappy with right from the start (both were very young and stupid)

 

Sounds like he has maintained that attribute.

 

Like attracts like sometimes.

 

What is your end goal in this tryst? How is that working for you?

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I was hoping it was a language barrier!

 

Eternal optimist,hey?

English is not my first language either, but I manage the words children/kids just fine:)

Seriously OP, if he really is so stand offish and emotionally distant about his CHILDREN, does it not raise a red flag to you?

My ex ap was a good dad, but we had a massive argument when he brought his daughter to spend a day with us.

I could not believe he was exposing his child. He claimed she's too young or whatever (she was 5!!) but I couldnt bare the thought of her thinking back one day and figuring out where her father took her (public place, we did not touch each other or engage much,but i was still appalled). Later he admitted he was wrong and got carried away with the 'we are a family' fantasy. I have my own kids,thank you very much. Would not dream of letting them within a mile of him on purpose.

Actually, it dropped a penny for me. I realised we were messing with little,trustful lives.

I ended it very soon after that day for other reason too,, but the threat of children-mine or his-getting hurt were right there at the top of my list.

I really hope you are just young and self centered and not as cold hearted as you come off.

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I feel bad for the "offspring".

 

Omg. I know. I have six kids and my h treats them as his own. If he was not good with them it would have been over long ago.

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gettingstronger

Yes, I do have experience with this. When I was younger I went through the rebellious, mad at the world time in my life. I, like you, sought out difficult relationships and convinced myself I was different and better than the mainstream. Looking back, it was a difficult time in my life but I was lucky it didn't last long. I hope the same for you.

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and I am single with no children and I won't have my own children either but...you show no feelings towards them and don't seem to understand that it's important that they see their dad and that he is part of their life.

You can't get seriously involved with a guy that has children and want a future with him if you aren't willing to see them as part of the package and be a loving part of their lives eventually. Of course it's not good for them to meet you immediately and if the relationship isn't serious but once it is you will meet them and you have to provide a loving,healthy, happy environment for them when they come over.

I have feelings for a MM with 2 kids and if he will ever (in my fantasy world) leave his wife and want a relationship with me I will love his kids and do all that i can to make them feel safe and happy and loved by me and I will encourage him to be part of their lives.

I suggest you reconsider everything as by what you wrote it sounds like his children will have an unhealthy upbringing with your attitude -although you aren't their mom your attitude towards them and any hardship you will cause will effect them.

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He is the same, he also dislikes other people's offspring. :laugh: It is okay for him that I complain when a tiny stranger is crying in the supermarket, etc. I don't think he connects that to his personal gene mixtures, since I will not meet them any time soon.

 

Ah, I forgot, I was asked for compassion with his ex. I do have that. I know catholic rules, they doom her to be single for the rest of your life. You cannot marry twice, unless you are widowed. But, you know, if she would have been a halfway reasonable partner, he would still be with her. And this has nothing to do with religion. You can't disrespect someone for years and then expect this person to stay just because he signed a paper in church.

 

Holy crap! I thought I could be heartless.

 

Let me guess: you are maybe 23 years old? At the oldest?

 

So, I'm going to go out on a limb and be an optimist. I don't think you're stupid, but my goodness, you throughly embrace the ignorance tree. You toss things around as fact and you couldn't be more wrong.

 

Of course, Catholics can divorce and remarry as many times as they want. Divorce is usually the legal term. ANNULMENT is usually the religious term. But, not always in all countries. In the U.S. to remarry IN THE CATHOLIC CHURCH, you must have a legal divorce and a church annulment. These are a lot simpler than they used to be. She is a shoo-in for an annulment since he is divorcing her and cheating on her.

 

So no, you don't know all the Catholic "rules". I put rules in quotations, because these are more than rules, they are a belief system that you are quite comfortable trashing and disrespecting.

 

I'm also someone who never wanted kids and I choose not to date men with children. Even adult children. Because their lives can turn to crap in a minute and they move back home. And there is a pretty good chance they will make grandchildren. Generally, I like other people's children, but not for an extended period of time. Most of my friends had kids. The ones who were good parents had kids I thoroughly enjoyed. The ones who were lousy parents produced "offspring" I avoided like the plague.

 

If you think MM is just going to walk away from them and have nothing to do with them for the rest of his life, uhm....they do have a tendency to show up and confront wayward parents. That can destroy even the coldest of people.

 

Please, go get your tubes tied now. The world doesn't need your personal gene mixture, ever.

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smallpumpkin

Thank you all for your feedback. This is very interesting. I sought personal experiences form people in a similar situation and got mostly insults. Be it as it is, I will answer to some of them.

 

The easiest, Catholicism. I grew up moderately Catholic, my boyfriend went to Catholic school, we both have our issues with that, we both are completely non-religious and quit our Church membership by now. Of course most European Catholics don't give a **** on official rules, but my boyfriend's ex does. Not even is divorce nonexistent in the Catholic church, until few months ago people who divorced (legally) and remarried (legally) were even excluded from communion officially (of course most priests here would neither now nor care about that, now the Catholic church had this big family synode where the outcome was something like "we'll not make strict rules here anymore"). Annullation means that the marriage was void from beginning on, it never existed. Doing this might be possible with a liberal priest who is not as detached from reality as his bosses, but it would essentially be a lie. And this woman is not trying to betray Catholic rules, this woman is serious (or rather, obeying) about them, so her love life is over (unless she loses some of her faith and gets in troubles with her family). I feel sorry for her, but I see it as entirely her fault, and after the incidence of domestic violence that made my boyfriend flee out of their flat in the middle of the night, take all the big knives with him and secretly move out immediately, I cannot help thinking that she deserved it.

 

And no, he never cheated on her. He first broke up, I was not the reason for that, he wanted that years ago, but very shortly after became a couple with me. She knew about us from the beginning on.

 

I consider our relationship as a very, very real thing with big potential. When we started hanging out (as friends), we had deep, personal conversations for 6h regularly. This has not changed so much. I can tell him everything, and so can he. Sure, there is a cultural difference between the two of us, but still for both of us this extremely communication-based is absolutely special. This is why I believe in the two of us. This is why I want to deal with this emotionally very difficult family situation. This is why I came looking for help here, because in this huge community someone must have been in a similar situation. I got pretty much only insults back, but if they bring some new light into my situation, I'm thankful for them also.

 

My boyfriend never would leave his offspring. Sure, they are a result of Catholic contraception rules, he was unhappy with both pregnancies, but now that they are there he loves them, wants to spend time with them and all that parenting stuff.

 

Obviously I'm using terminology to deliberately dehumanize the personal gene mixtures (still my favourite expression, doesn't anyone see the humor?). This is because I'm not ready for them. I create distance to those whom I never met. This is the first step of dealing - I talk about them, but abstractly. Get used to the thought they exist. The next step would maybe be using their names when talking about them. But I'm not yet that far. In the end, I would like to be happy when they visit my boyfriend at our common place (as I hope moving in will happen in distance future), treat them as they were not my own, but my sister's, be a good aunt to them. But so that it can come that far with this absolutely amazing man, who made one huge error when he was young, but who is worth every emotional crap I'm going through, I need do first emotionally deal with the fact that he has this huge huge thing I can not understand, not relate to and keep myself away from to stay mentally healthy enough to succeed with him.

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Holy crap! I thought I could be heartless.

 

Let me guess: you are maybe 23 years old? At the oldest?

 

So, I'm going to go out on a limb and be an optimist. I don't think you're stupid, but my goodness, you throughly embrace the ignorance tree. You toss things around as fact and you couldn't be more wrong.

 

Of course, Catholics can divorce and remarry as many times as they want. Divorce is usually the legal term. ANNULMENT is usually the religious term. But, not always in all countries. In the U.S. to remarry IN THE CATHOLIC CHURCH, you must have a legal divorce and a church annulment. These are a lot simpler than they used to be. She is a shoo-in for an annulment since he is divorcing her and cheating on her.

 

So no, you don't know all the Catholic "rules". I put rules in quotations, because these are more than rules, they are a belief system that you are quite comfortable trashing and disrespecting.

 

I'm also someone who never wanted kids and I choose not to date men with children. Even adult children. Because their lives can turn to crap in a minute and they move back home. And there is a pretty good chance they will make grandchildren. Generally, I like other people's children, but not for an extended period of time. Most of my friends had kids. The ones who were good parents had kids I thoroughly enjoyed. The ones who were lousy parents produced "offspring" I avoided like the plague.

 

If you think MM is just going to walk away from them and have nothing to do with them for the rest of his life, uhm....they do have a tendency to show up and confront wayward parents. That can destroy even the coldest of people.

 

Please, go get your tubes tied now. The world doesn't need your personal gene mixture, ever.

 

Even he could get an annulment. I am not Catholic but my h was a deacon. When we had our A he stepped down and since the d and us marrying, he spoke with his bishop about being laicized. The bishop actually said it may be easier to convert me and marry me in the church and resume his deaconal activities. So really, the whole religion thing, I get it, but it can be handled.

 

As for the kid thing... I respect OP's decision to not have kids. But what she doesn't realize is that kids are people. This guy is not going to dump his kids for her and if he does he is a loser. Eventually, if he is any kind of father at all, he will see she is not a good match and leave her.

Edited by goodyblue
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