Struggling to cope - staying friends or not?

[Katiely]

After separating from my long-term husband last year, I've been seeing a guy for a few months. We always had a good time, calling each other, doing stuff together on weekends, going out for dinner etc. I felt that I wanted more and that we had a deep connection and I was getting these signals back from him as well.

 

I fell in love with him and one day confessed to him how I feel. It was a bit awkward and he said that he likes me a lot too, and he knew that I had strong feelings for him, but that I was still married and he wants to talk about everything in more detail which we did a week later over dinner. He told me then, once I brought it up, that he is seeing someone else which totally shocked me as he was hiding this from me the whole time.

 

He also told me that he wants to keep me in his life as he enjoys spending time with me and wants to stay friends. He agreed that we have a deep connection and lots of things in common.

 

When it all sank in the next day I was very hurt and heartbroken. I've decided not to pursue him anymore and try to move on. Easier said than done, as we still have to have contact due to us both being involved in an animal welfare group in major positions. I told him that I couldn't see him for a while as it hurts too much, and he said he understood but then only a week later, just before Xmas, he told me on the phone that he wanted to see me soon. We didn't see each other for about a month, and then we started doing stuff again together. We also go out for dinner (where he usually pays), or drinks etc. It's almost like nothing happened. He is very attentive and charming. He should know better not to give me (false) hope, but he can't seem to leave me alone and/or let me go, and I'm not strong enough at the moment not to see him, so can't let him go either (I know this would be best, I'm aware of that but this is not the issue).

 

It's been 3 months now, and although I know it would be best, I can't move on. Some days I can handle it all well, other days not so much. Every time I try and decide to move on, he ramps up his efforts and gets in touch more than usual. He calls me (up to 3 times a day) and texts me a lot, he always finds a reason. He is keen to see me every other weekend or more, when we spend most of the day together. Everything feels so right when we are together, we are comfortable with each other and we have great long conversations and lots of fun. We are 47 and 52 years old, so no teenagers anymore. He is not a bad guy at all, and is not trying to hurt me intentionally.

 

I know both our behaviour is far from ideal, but I want to keep him in my life as well, if I can find a way to handle the situation. My head argues with my heart, and they can't seem to agree.

 

I'm torn and don't know whether I should remain (close) friends or ask him to stop contacting me (which would be difficult as per above). Has someone managed to stay friends and been able to move on?

 

Not proud of the whole situation, any helpful and well-meaning advice welcome. Thanks for reading, it already helps writing everything down

[bathtub-row]

Ok, so all along he knew that you had strong feelings for him but he chose - and still chooses - to jerk your chain. Not only that, but he deceived you and never bothered to mention to you that he was seeing someone else.

 

This sounds like a guy who has a lot of charm and knows how to manipulate others. I'm guessing he's doing the same thing to the other woman...maybe women. If you're ok with that and ok with how he has mislead you, then try to keep him as a friend. You may be able to get past the fact that he's not really that great of a friend and not really trustworthy.

 

However, if you really want this guy for your own, then stop being so predictable and stop acting so eager to be with him. Be unavailable at times and keep him guessing. I'm thinking that he operates mostly on ego and his ego will be intrigued if he thinks he has lost you, or that you have lost interest in him romantically.

[salparadise]

Every time I try and decide to move on, he ramps up his efforts and gets in touch more than usual. He calls me (up to 3 times a day) and texts me a lot, he always finds a reason. He is keen to see me every other weekend or more...

 

Easy enough... just tell him no more sex and watch how fast he disappears. Do you not realize that's what's going on? You're a booty call. He's sleeping with the other woman regularly, and banging you on the side for variety. He knows your soft spot. He knows you're needy and plays it. Friends? Ya, well ok whatever.

[Katiely]

Well, that's the thing. I'm not sleeping with him, I wouldn't even consider that once I knew that he was seeing someone else, so can't be that.

[Katiely]

Thanks bath-tub row, good point about being unavailable at times as he has the best of both worlds at the moment. One of my friends thought the same thing, about his ego. It won't be easy but I have nothing to lose really.

[elaine567]

If you are not sleeping together and he is not obviously pressing for more here, then I guess he sees you as a platonic friend who he shares a lot in common with and you fill a need for him emotionally, but he does not see you in a romantic way. His romantic needs are being met elsewhere.

 

Unfortunately, you are the one with the big issue, as you love him and staying friends with him is killing you, as you want more.

 

He doesn't see you as relationship material and hanging around isn't going to do you any good. I think you need to reduce contact and start making a life elsewhere that doesn't include him.

Date, go see friends and wean yourself off this man. Your feelings will eventually fade.

[Satu]

This reads like The Picture of Dorian Gray.

 

Underneath the superficial gloss there is a very cold and heartless person.

Edited March 12, 2016 by Satu

[Katiely]

Thanks elaine567, I know I'm having a big issue.

 

Part of it I think is that after coming out of a 20 year marriage which has run its course, I feel like I'm a bit out of practice with dating and (new) relationships and it was all getting a bit over my head.

 

I might have been a bit naive and like(d) all the attention I was getting, and never thought I would develop these feelings again, with the butterflies in my tummy and everything else, especially after him admitting that he is attracted to me. That is possibly what makes it so difficult for me to let him go and move on, as he shows me in a lot of ways that does like me and keeps flirting as well.

 

Where it went wrong I think was that I lived interstate and when my marriage went downhill I was trying to figure out where to live and what I need to do, and that was when we started seeing each other as I moved to the other state (where we now both live). I went back and forth between states a couple of times until I made the final decision of where to live and how to go about it, and he was disappointed to see me go back as he thought I went back to my husband. That was the time when he moved on, and before I told him how I feel. I know it doesn't really matter now, especially as he still could have told me.

 

I'm really grateful for all the advice, it keeps me thinking again (not that I haven't been doing that anyway) and I can see it from a different perspective. I have reduced contact from my end already and I'm meeting with other friends and I'm building a life for myself, if only my heart could let him go

 

I'm wondering if I decide to not be available at times and reduce contact/not reply to his texts/calls (which I can't really as it is also about the animals we look after), do I tell him when I see him next time?

 

I don't want to just cancel on him once we made a time for seeing each other next, as he never cancelled on me, even though he doesn't have much spare time himself. Or just not push for it resp. tell him that I've got other plans if he wants to see me?

[salparadise]

Well, that's the thing. I'm not sleeping with him, I wouldn't even consider that once I knew that he was seeing someone else, so can't be that.

 

Interesting. It's hard to know exactly where his motivation comes from in that case. Ego is probably involved as others have mentioned. There have been many threads that discuss women who maintain a fan club (sometimes called orbiters) for the validation and a feeling of security. It sounds like this may be a similar thing with genders reversed. I'm curious; does he talk about his girlfriend and relationship with you openly as an actual friend would, or does he focus on you exclusively when you're together? Does the girlfriend know about you?

 

I'm guessing that he's playing a role that is compatible with your desire for a fully intimate relationship with him, and thereby not mentioning the girlfriend or being truly open about his life. In other words, there is a yen-yang role play going on here and he's enjoying having this power over you emotionally, perhaps knowing that he could have you if he wanted. I have a strong feeling that there is more going on in his head than maintaining a truly platonic, opposite-sex friendship.

 

Bottom line for you- you cannot be emotionally available and have the potential for a wonderful new relationship as long as you're dangling on his string. You need to suffer the short-term pain of cutting him loose in order to enable long-term possibility. It's time to put your own needs first. He's keeping you mired in this half-life for some kind of amusement––or even if he does "care" on some level––the path is simply not going to lead where you need to go.

 

I'd say go to therapy if you aren't already and find other social outlets so that you won't be sitting around feeling lonely all the time. Prepare yourself to be the right person when opportunity knocks.

[elaine567]

I'm wondering if I decide to not be available at times and reduce contact/not reply to his texts/calls (which I can't really as it is also about the animals we look after), do I tell him when I see him next time?

 

I don't want to just cancel on him once we made a time for seeing each other next, as he never cancelled on me, even though he doesn't have much spare time himself. Or just not push for it resp. tell him that I've got other plans if he wants to see me?

 

As you also have a "professional" relationship, then keep it "professional", no hanging about all day, no dinner and drinks or doing other "coupley" things.

I would use your next meet to explain to him where you stand in all of this and that being "friends" is not working and is killing you, but you can perhaps be "professional" for the sake of the animals.

I think cancelling would be a bit cowardly perhaps.

[Katiely]

I'm curious; does he talk about his girlfriend and relationship with you openly as an actual friend would, or does he focus on you exclusively when you're together? Does the girlfriend know about you?

No, he doesn't talk about his relationship with me at all. He only ever mentioned it when he told me about it, and even then it didn't sound very convincing to me what he said. I had to admit to him a couple of months ago that I unfollowed him on Facebook as he was asking me if I had seen some photos of his dog.

 

He does focus exclusively on me when we are together. I know that he has other friends, male and female, but he doesn't spend nearly as much time with them. Not sure if his gf knows about me, I would think she must if he spends half a day/evening on weekends with me, and tags me in Facebook etc., but then again who knows?

 

I'm sure we are more than 'just friends', we've got a mutual attraction and chemistry but I'm fully aware that it is not enough on his end to leave her for me. He is away with her (I think) this weekend which makes me quite miserable, but only this week he made plans to come interstate with me for a few days to accompany me for a trip I've been asked to go in relation to the animal group. I feel like I'm entangled in his web and every time I'm trying to get out he wraps me up again.

 

That is why I want to move on to be able to meet someone else but not sure how to go about it as I do value our friendship even if that sounds strange and he is/was always there for me. I can see if I'm not able to cope with being friends (and I was sort of coping but it hit me this weekend due to above) it is unhealthy. Funny thing is that when I see him I often ask myself why I'm so in love with him, so that helps more than when I don't see him for a while which makes me pine more.

[salparadise]

That is why I want to move on to be able to meet someone else but not sure how to go about it as I do value our friendship even if that sounds strange and he is/was always there for me. I can see if I'm not able to cope with being friends (and I was sort of coping but it hit me this weekend due to above) it is unhealthy. Funny thing is that when I see him I often ask myself why I'm so in love with him, so that helps more than when I don't see him for a while which makes me pine more.

 

You said you separated last year. How long ago was that exactly? And you're not yet divorced, correct?

 

Do you realize how unlikely it is that you could be ready for a new relationship at this time, or in the near future? It's takes awhile to equilibrate and heal after a divorce. My opinion is two years––and that's from the date of divorce, not separation. I was divorced five years ago after a twenty-three year marriage, so I have first-hand experience in addition to what I believe theoretically. Are you going to therapy? I know it helped me a great deal as I was going through it all.

 

I think you need to get a support strategy in place and then put your cognitive mind in charge of the emotion in order to cut ties with this guy. You should explain to him that you cannot be friends at this time. You've told him how you feel already and he seems to want to support you, so he should agree. You may not be able to avoid him completely, but you can certainly minimize it and asking his cooperation.

 

How do you think you're doing with being separated and going through divorce separately from this infatuation (if that's possible)? I'm guessing that you may be avoiding the grieving process at the end of the marriage and that dating this guy in the beginning was a way of masking feelings, not unlike alcohol or drugs... an avoidance strategy.

 

My thinking is that your mind should be on the larger issue of recovering from the separation/divorce and preparing yourself for a new chapter in life.

[Katiely]

You are right, not divorced yet, but can't be as where I live you have to wait 12 months after separation before you can get divorced.

 

I've been the one who left the marriage, and have slowly realised over a long time , probably more than two or three years, that there was no emotion left and we both didn't put any effort in anymore. With me changing and becoming more independent, I've decided I don't want to live a life without love and attention, although it would have been easier and more convenient to stay.

 

I have tried to work on my marriage but there was nothing coming back from him, and so finally gave up about 8 months ago. We didn't fight, it was all very amicable and I've only left once I felt I was ready for this new chapter in my life. Haven't been in therapy, but thinking about it.

 

I've always seen the breakup of my marriage and the new guy as two completely different things, one didn't really have anything to do with the other one. I think it has helped me through it, as I could see that I was still capable of developing feelings for someone whereas before that I wasn't sure if that makes sense.

 

I've done a lot of grieving before that time and I think there might be some more to come at some stage, but overall I'm in a much happier place now having gained control of my life, I've got work, no financial worries, a good network of friends, busy running a volunteer group and opening myself for a new relationship.

 

Once I've sorted these current issues, I hope life gets even better!

[Country_Girl]

Hun,

 

You are going to get hurt. I went through this 2 years ago, except the "charming friend" and I had a friendship for 3 years. We often did date-like activities; going to the cinema, going to dinner, worked on projects together. It was almost always one on one activities. Then it graduated to cuddling while renting movies.

 

I professed my feelings and he eventually told me he just wasn't ready for a relationship, his career came first at the moment. But it didn't stop him from texting me daily, asking for advice, calling me for a 2 hour phone chat- even though he knew I had feelings. We even took a vacation together, sat under the stars drinking decaf and telling stories. We started sleeping together, and I don't mean sleep, at his suggestion one night. This continued for 4 months, until I found out he was online dating and his profile clearly stated he was looking for a long term relationship.

 

You are going to be hurt if you keep this up I promise you. Words + Actions have to match, if either is off scale, then you are just being used as a time filler. Someone he goes to when he is between dates.

 

Don't make my mistake. This guy is a player, not a charmer. Best of luck.

[Katiely]

Thanks everybody for their feedback so far. I've done a lot of thinking and processing over the past 24 hours and taking your advice on board.

 

I'm feeling much stronger today thanks to your feedback and more able to accept things which wasn't the case beforehand a lot of the time. It also helps to read other people's stories and realise that I'm not alone with having relationship troubles and other stories are much worse than mine.

 

Working on a plan/strategy now where I want to put myself first as I've realised that this is the most important relationship I will ever have. I haven't always done that in the past few months, as I had to learn how to live by myself (never done that before) and now I'm getting better at that I need to learn how to look after myself better.

 

I've lost quite a bit of weight as I wasn't eating properly, so want to change that. I want to treat myself to things I like to do, just booked a girls weekend with my best girlfriend and go to a concert next week. I've enquired about therapy sessions today.

 

I've started re-evaluating things in my life and if it doesn't make me happy than I have to do something about that, which includes this guy as well.

 

I know that I can't change my thoughts and attitude overnight, and I also know there will be setbacks and relapses. But I want to be more pro-active and take back the control over my feelings and life as much as possible, so even if I come across issues which I'm sure I will, with the help of my plan I'll hopefully get back on track soon.

 

Thanks for your story Country Girl, it sounds like there are more guys like that out there. Good luck with your 'stalker', I've seen your latest story.

 

If anyone has got any more advice, keep it coming, as I found it all very helpful so far. I'm glad I've stumbled accidentally across this forum which is so much friendlier than some of the others.

[salparadise]

You are right, not divorced yet, but can't be as where I live you have to wait 12 months after separation before you can get divorced.

 

I've been the one who left the marriage, and have slowly realised over a long time , probably more than two or three years, that there was no emotion left and we both didn't put any effort in anymore. With me changing and becoming more independent, I've decided I don't want to live a life without love and attention, although it would have been easier and more convenient to stay.

 

I have tried to work on my marriage but there was nothing coming back from him, and so finally gave up about 8 months ago. We didn't fight, it was all very amicable and I've only left once I felt I was ready for this new chapter in my life. Haven't been in therapy, but thinking about it.

 

I've always seen the breakup of my marriage and the new guy as two completely different things, one didn't really have anything to do with the other one. I think it has helped me through it, as I could see that I was still capable of developing feelings for someone whereas before that I wasn't sure if that makes sense.

 

I've done a lot of grieving before that time and I think there might be some more to come at some stage, but overall I'm in a much happier place now having gained control of my life, I've got work, no financial worries, a good network of friends, busy running a volunteer group and opening myself for a new relationship.

 

Once I've sorted these current issues, I hope life gets even better!

 

It sounds like you're coming to some important realizations. Just a couple of thoughts...

 

The relationship with new guy and the ending of your marriage are definitely NOT two separate things. Not in term of your motivations or the effect it's having on your healing/grieving process. You need to get clear of it in order to move forward.

 

Secondly, the fact that the marriage was on the rocks for awhile doesn't mean that you went through the process before separating or while being separated. The healing begins when you are actually divorced. I think you will see these things clearly in hindsight, but probably not while in the midst of it. Yours is not an unusual sequence - it's quite common.

 

Therapy will help you tremendously. Get recommendations on a good therapist so as not to squander time and opportunity on one that does't fit or whose skills are less than excellent. Some are an order of magnitude better than others.

 

Good luck to you- let us know how you're doing from time to time, or more often if you feel it helps.

[Katiely]

Just wanted to give you a quick update on how I'm doing, which is still not that great

 

Have been trying to do all sort of things to distract me and keep my busy. Not ready to date other men, I had one work colleague hitting on me and asking me out for a coffee privately (as soon as he heard that I was separated) but I didn't want to encourage him so didn't go.

 

I'm still in contact with the other guy, and I haven't been able to move on. After I wrote here last time, I cancelled seeing him (even though I said on here I wouldn't) as he was just annoying me. Was secretly hoping that he got the message but instead he asked me to see him the following weekend even though it was the Easter weekend. I'm not strong enough yet to say no to him all the time.

 

Have seen him a few times since then, he's been opening up to me more and more emotionally which makes letting him go even more difficult as I feel that we are getting closer. His whole body language shows that he is very interested when we are together. We spent most of last Saturday together at his house, including him cooking dinner for me, watching TV etc.

 

On this forum I've come across the term 'emotional affair' and I think this is what we might have, and I realise that this is quite dangerous in itself for everyone involved. For a while I thought he might have some narcissistic traits but I'm not so sure anymore about that, if anything a covert one.

 

I'm very aware that I'm still getting too sucked in by him, doing too many 'coupley things', but I can't help myself. He's a bit like a drug for me which is not good at all, at least I'm dealing a bit better with it in general.

 

One of my problems is that I'm seeing more of him and getting more attention and support of him than any of my other friends, everyone is so busy with their own lives and hasn't got much time. I know that this is not ideal, but I've got a lot of things up in the air at the moment, with my jobs (working 3 jobs but none permanent), living situation (once I've found a permanent job I then can look for a permanent place to live), and my volunteer group which is getting more and more work as well, so I suppose I'm craving a bit of attention.

 

Have had some job interviews lately so hopefully something will come out of it and then everything will fall into place. I hope that then I will be more able to deal with this as well and will be able to work on myself to wean myself off him and move on.

[burnt]

On this forum I've come across the term 'emotional affair' and I think this is what we might have, and I realise that this is quite dangerous in itself for everyone involved. For a while I thought he might have some narcissistic traits but I'm not so sure anymore about that, if anything a covert one.

 

Hi Katiely,

Just read your original post today for the first time.

 

My first thought was precisely what you wrote above.

 

It's good that you came to that conclusion on your own. Yes the psychological damage this will do to you is far from what you can imagine.

 

He is not a child--he's an adult and has been fully aware of how you feel about him; if he's seeing someone else, it's nothing but cruel of him to keep pulling you back in when it's clear he has no intention of building a future with you.

 

May I suggest that you spend some time reading some of the posts in the OW/OM forum--if nothing else it may provide you with better understanding of what you have been going through and may provide you with some solace in knowing that many others are going through the same EXACT roller-coaster emotional torture just like you.

 

May I also suggest that you consider writing one final note, saying your final goodbye to him--it will not be easy, but another second this person is in your life is another toxic second, wasted from your life.

 

Good luck with your job search and yes that change should help somewhat.