Would you lose respect for a partner if this happened?

[Fernando2826]

My now ex treated me pretty awfully when we broke up. We headed off to different universities with promises of love and fideility, after a really intense 6 months together, only for her to cheat after only 2 weeks. She then acted incredibly coldly towards me during the break. I was heartbroken obviously but didn't fly off the handle when we ended things, just kept my composure and tried to make it amicable.

 

In the months following, we talked occasionally (always her prompting), before I told her that I wanted to move on, was seeing someone else and defriended her on Facebook. I also told a friend that I thought she might have an issue/personality disorder because of her poor behaviour, which subsequently got back to her.

 

Long story short, 6 months later we reconnected. She apologised for all that had happened, for the way she behaved and said that she realised how badly she had behaved. I was still hung up on her, but didn't want to make this apparent, so rather than say "yeah, you acted terribly", I went with "I understand; it was just uni". We slept together on that occasion, but I still feel I was too weak with her, particularly considering that she had just heard of the personality disorder suggestion (which I truthfully told her I no longer believed).

 

Ever since, we have maintained occasional contact (I always leave her to make the first move) and she has now asked to meet up. Sometimes she will make slightly disrespectful comments when we chat, so rather than dignify them, I ignore them or come back with something witty, but I wonder whether she doesn't respect me for whatever reason.

 

It seems too late now to stress how badly she acted and would likely only do so if there was a suggestion of a second go at things, although I think this is unlikely. Would you respect a partner who behaved as I have less? For still being willing to see/talk to you & for not getting angry/having a go at any point?

[Simon Phoenix]

I mean, she cheated on you and moves in and out of your life at her convenience. Yeah, it's safe to say that she doesn't really respect you.

[Fernando2826]

I mean, she cheated on you and moves in and out of your life at her convenience. Yeah, it's safe to say that she doesn't really respect you.

 

Thanks for your reply. Thing is she cheated on her first boyfriend (the guy before me) as well. And claimed not to have felt any guilt. Does it reflect upon me/my behaviour afterwards?

[Zahara]

Would you respect a partner who behaved as I have less?

 

No.

 

For still being willing to see/talk to you & for not getting angry/having a go at any point?

 

You've established yourself as being someone that will tolerate just about anything. You don't even have any respect for yourself, why would she?

[BC1980]

I think it's safe to say she doesn't have a great amount of respect for you because you continue to stay in contact with her and you slept with her post-breakup. Yeah, you told he what she did was horrible, but your subsequent actions don't suggest that you are willing to act on that feeling. She probably knows you are still hung up on her, and she likes to toy with you every now and again.

 

I think you have to ask yourself how you are benefiting from continuing to engage in contact with her. Is it to stroke your ego? Do you hope she will want a relationship with you again? Does anything positive come from it? Wouldn't it be better to show self-respect and assert some boundaries against a person who willingly hurt you?

[Simon Phoenix]

Thanks for your reply. Thing is she cheated on her first boyfriend (the guy before me) as well. And claimed not to have felt any guilt. Does it reflect upon me/my behaviour afterwards?

 

So she's a serial cheater, yet you let her use you whenever she wants. The reflection is that you seem to have no self-respect or boundaries.

 

You don't have to throw a fit and yell and scream, but you shouldn't tolerate how she treats you, much less enable it.

[Fernando2826]

No.

 

 

 

You've established yourself as being someone that will tolerate just about anything. You don't even have any respect for yourself, why would she?

 

 

Thanks for your reply. How have I established this do you think? I haven't suggested we get back together or some such - as far as she is concerned I removed her from social media, started seeing someone else and told her I didn't want to talk. I also suggested that she had issues.

 

Eventually I reestablished contact after a recovery period of about 6 months and she has done all of the leg work since. When we got together she was the one making the moves and she is the one who has suggested meeting up etc. She also seems genuinely reserved when asking if I will see her, which doesn't seem to suggest that she thinks I'll simply roll over for her. What do you think?

[Fernando2826]

The problem I have is this - I still really care for her, perhaps foolish but cannot be helped. She always says "can we meet up? Only if you fancy it of course". So I'm left with the choice of not seeing her ever again, or agreeing and losing her respect? Is there any way I could have played this to maintain respect and still see her?

[BC1980]

Thanks for your reply. How have I established this do you think? I haven't suggested we get back together or some such - as far as she is concerned I removed her from social media, started seeing someone else and told her I didn't want to talk. I also suggested that she had issues.

 

Eventually I reestablished contact after a recovery period of about 6 months and she has done all of the leg work since. When we got together she was the one making the moves and she is the one who has suggested meeting up etc. She also seems genuinely reserved when asking if I will see her, which doesn't seem to suggest that she thinks I'll simply roll over for her. What do you think?

 

I think that any contact at all sends the message that you don't have self-respect. I think what's happening is better than you begging for her back, but it's still not ideal. What you are doing doesn't exactly scream self-respect and boundaries. Since you first went NC and told her she had issues, the fact that you are willing to go back on that makes it look like you can't be strong enough to keep your word. It does make you look weak to her. You're not being consistent and standing firm.

[BC1980]

The problem I have is this - I still really care for her, perhaps foolish but cannot be helped. She always says "can we meet up? Only if you fancy it of course". So I'm left with the choice of not seeing her ever again, or agreeing and losing her respect? Is there any way I could have played this to maintain respect and still see her?

 

That's questionable. Taking her back kind of emboldens her. Also, she cheated in a past relationship. It's a pattern. The fact that she even cheated in the first place shows that she didn't respect you. She doesn't seem like she's wiling to take any respnsibility or has any desire to get back together.

[Fernando2826]

I think that any contact at all sends the message that you don't have self-respect. I think what's happening is better than you begging for her back, but it's still not ideal. What you are doing doesn't exactly scream self-respect and boundaries. Since you first went NC and told her she had issues, the fact that you are willing to go back on that makes it look like you can't be strong enough to keep your word. It does make you look weak to her. You're not being consistent and standing firm.

 

I agree but I feel as though I've done more or less everything I could to maintain her respect whilst still maintaining contact - what with her making all the effort and spending time recovering/giving her time to think about what she did. Is there any way I could have kept her in my life without losing her respect? Perhaps she never did respect me, but it seemed for all the world as though she did and she spoke of me to her friends as though she could genuinely see a long term future together, which surely suggests respect? As you said also, she cheated on her first boyfriend so is the lack of respect really a reflection on me or is it her? Just genereally disrespectful of people?

[Satu]

Snip

I agree but I feel as though I've done more or less everything I could to maintain her respect whilst still maintaining contact - *what with her making all the effort and spending time recovering/giving her time to think about what she did. Is there any way I could have kept her in my life without losing her respect? Perhaps she never did respect me, but it seemed for all the world as though she did and she spoke of me to her friends as though she could genuinely see a long term future together, which surely suggests respect? As you said also, she cheated on her first boyfriend so is the lack of respect really a reflection on me or is it her? Just genereally disrespectful of people?

 

*When viewed from a certain angle, you look very passive, and that might be where her lack of respect for you has its roots.

[Fernando2826]

Snip

 

*When viewed from a certain angle, you look very passive, and that might be where her lack of respect for you has its roots.

 

So you think she does lack respect for me? Even though she did the same thing to her first boyfriend? Not just an issue related to her?

 

Well I am a fairly shy, reserved guy whereas she is really outgoing and extroverted, but as I said, she seemed to respect me to quite some extent when we were together - telling her friends she could see our future lives together etc. I have been passive in terms of staying in contact but that was under the advice of Corey Wayne, the dating coach, who says the dumper should make all of the effort. However, the other day she said that I was 'nonchalant. Perhaps too much so'...

[BC1980]

Has she ever shown true remorse and taken responsibility? Has she stated she wants to get back together and said she will do all that it takes to regain your trust?

[Fernando2826]

Has she ever shown true remorse and taken responsibility? Has she stated she wants to get back together and said she will do all that it takes to regain your trust?

 

She said she was "sorry about everything", that she could understand why I thought she had a personality disorder and would understand if I regretted seeing her/sleeping with her. She's also started seeing a counsellor. She blamed the chetaing on university though, and the conviction that a distance relationship would never work. No, she hasn't suggested she wants to get back together in any sense, but, since I'm moving to London (where she now lives), she's asked if we can "spend more time together". I have no idea what this means.

[BC1980]

She said she was "sorry about everything", that she could understand why I thought she had a personality disorder and would understand if I regretted seeing her/sleeping with her. She's also started seeing a counsellor. She blamed the chetaing on university though, and the conviction that a distance relationship would never work. No, she hasn't suggested she wants to get back together in any sense, but, since I'm moving to London (where she now lives), she's asked if we can "spend more time together". I have no idea what this means.

 

It doesn't really sound like she took much responsibility. She made a choice. She could have made a different choice, but she made the choice to cheat. If she truly felt a long distance relationship wouldn't work, she should have been upfront before she went to university. Sometimes, people do stay together after cheating, but I would think the cheater would need to express serious remorse at the very least.

 

"Spending more time together" doesn't mean much. A lot of dumpers say that. She has shown no interest in getting back together, so, even if she never cheated, just the fact that you still engage in contact with her send the message that you have weak boundaries. You really are showing that you will tolerate quite a lot for next to no benefit.

 

May I ask this: why do you want to get back together with her? I can understand if you still like/love/are hung up on her. I can understand if you feel pain and sadness. But does it seem wise to want her back?

[Zahara]

How have I established this do you think?

 

- By acting passive when you found out she cheated

- By engaging with her after she disrespected you -- even when she never even apologized to you

- By having sex with her 6 months later after she "apologized"

- By justifying her cheating with passiveness (it's because of uni?!?! -- there is never a reason to cheat)

- By again acting passively when she makes disrespectful remarks. Instead of speaking up, you with tail between your legs, dismiss it by making a joke.

 

You act passive because you feel that by being that way she will have a change of heart, she'll see what a great guy you are -- being the nice guy will only make her want to step on you again. Why? Because it's so damn easy. You have no boundaries. No self-respect. Even now when she disrespects, you make a joke?! That's how much you want her validation.

Edited March 12, 2016 by Zahara

[Fernando2826]

- By acting passive when you found out she cheated

- By engaging with her after she disrespected you -- even when she never even apologized to you

- By having sex with her 6 months later after she "apologized"

- By justifying her cheating with passiveness (it's because of uni?!?! -- there is never a reason to cheat)

- By again acting passively when she makes disrespectful remarks. Instead of speaking up, you with tail between your legs, dismiss it by making a joke.

 

You act passive because you feel that by being that way she will have a change of heart, she'll see what a great guy you are -- being the nice guy will only make her want to step on you again. Why? Because it's so damn easy. You have no boundaries. No self-respect. Even now when she disrespects, you make a joke?! That's how much you want her validation.

 

Wow, ok, gotcha, first relationship mistakes, won't happen again. With regards the disrespectful remarks - I was trying to do the classic '**** test' response of laughing it off/not dignifying it with a response.

[Fernando2826]

It doesn't really sound like she took much responsibility. She made a choice. She could have made a different choice, but she made the choice to cheat. If she truly felt a long distance relationship wouldn't work, she should have been upfront before she went to university. Sometimes, people do stay together after cheating, but I would think the cheater would need to express serious remorse at the very least.

 

"Spending more time together" doesn't mean much. A lot of dumpers say that. She has shown no interest in getting back together, so, even if she never cheated, just the fact that you still engage in contact with her send the message that you have weak boundaries. You really are showing that you will tolerate quite a lot for next to no benefit.

 

May I ask this: why do you want to get back together with her? I can understand if you still like/love/are hung up on her. I can understand if you feel pain and sadness. But does it seem wise to want her back?

 

Just the first girl I've really cared about. It doesn't seem wise at all, you're right. Can't help but wonder whether she's changing though - growing up at college, seeing a counsellor... who knows.

[Simon Phoenix]

The problem I have is this - I still really care for her, perhaps foolish but cannot be helped. She always says "can we meet up? Only if you fancy it of course". So I'm left with the choice of not seeing her ever again, or agreeing and losing her respect? Is there any way I could have played this to maintain respect and still see her?

 

Why do you desperately want to see a woman who betrayed and disrespected you? Why do you think so little of yourself?

 

And she phrases it like that because she knows you're a weakling who wouldn't actually call her on her bluff. It's her way of manipulating you because she knows that you don't have the backbone to not see her.

[Simon Phoenix]

Just the first girl I've really cared about. It doesn't seem wise at all, you're right. Can't help but wonder whether she's changing though - growing up at college, seeing a counsellor... who knows.

 

Why would she change for you when she doesn't have to? You're going to accept her whether she gives you a half-eaten hamburger or a $100 Kobe steak, so why would she give you the steak when she can save $99 on the half-eaten burger?

 

Don't be a fool dude. She's not going to change for someone who doesn't demand that change. It would make absolutely no sense for her to give you anything because you don't have the strength to demand anything more than the bare minimum.

[Fernando2826]

Why do you desperately want to see a woman who betrayed and disrespected you? Why do you think so little of yourself?

 

And she phrases it like that because she knows you're a weakling who wouldn't actually call her on her bluff. It's her way of manipulating you because she knows that you don't have the backbone to not see her.

 

I think what's putting me off meeting up with her, as much as the original issue, is how manipulative she's coming off in this discussion - maybe she is manipulative, I don't know, but I can't imagine a decent, worthwhile girl acting in that way, regardless of the guy.

[Fernando2826]

In terms of the disrespectful remark she made, I told her I'd been seeing "someone" and she asked "is it a guy?" - inexplicable really given the physical nature of our relationship but whatever.

 

I responded with "never say never, eh? But tell me about the girls you've been seeing?" - this was kind of in line with the 'sh*t test' example I've seen online of Q: "Are you gay?" A:"No, but my boyfriend is". I thought this was a better response than something that made it look as though I was butt hurt like "you can't talk like that"...

[Zahara]

Wow, ok, gotcha, first relationship mistakes, won't happen again. With regards the disrespectful remarks - I was trying to do the classic '**** test' response of laughing it off/not dignifying it with a response.

 

FFS.

 

Dignify yourself by removing this woman from your life. Dignify yourself by standing up for YOU. Dignify yourself by prioritizing your self-respect.

 

You teach people how to treat you.

[Simon Phoenix]

In terms of the disrespectful remark she made, I told her I'd been seeing "someone" and she asked "is it a guy?" - inexplicable really given the physical nature of our relationship but whatever.

 

I responded with "never say never, eh? But tell me about the girls you've been seeing?" - this was kind of in line with the 'sh*t test' example I've seen online of Q: "Are you gay?" A:"No, but my boyfriend is". I thought this was a better response than something that made it look as though I was butt hurt like "you can't talk like that"...

 

No, it just shows that you're a patsy. You don't have to get mad, but at least come up with an ice burn of your own. She throws daggers at you (AFTER CHEATING ON YOU) and you respond with meek "oh ok" type responses? And then you wonder why she has zero respect for you?