Distance In LDR

[LXMLUV90]

Hi everyone,

 

I'm new to this whole forum stuff but I feel like I need an outlet. I've been in a long distance relationship for about 9 months now but I'll give you a little bit of a back story. I met my current boyfriend 3 years ago on a military dating site and we hit it off from there. We were together for a 1 year and a 1/2. I lived in AZ and he lived in TX and then after a while he decided to move to NC making our distance longer. We probably visited 3 times before I decided to move to NC to be closer to him and it went downhill from there. I think we barely made it a little under 2 months before he started growing distant. I lived in a city an hour away from his base and he would drive on the weekends to see me. I guess with me adjusting and having issues with my job since I had transferred, I may have attempted to use him as a crutch since I had not made any friends just yet. Anyways it ended with him pretty much fading away and I didn't try to reach out to him anymore since I felt he didn't want to be bothered with me. The last day we spent together, he told me he loved me and for some reason I just never understood how we broke up without contact.

 

In the long run, I moved back to AZ and I continued working full time and I enrolled back in o school and have been committed to my education for the past 2 years. Last year I decided to give him a call, not sure why but he answered and we started talking again and realized we still loved each other. Well he just visited me this past December and things were good but now he's starting to become distant again and it just really bothers me since he had a history of doing this before. I just feel like I'm not sure if I want to further invest into our relationship. He thinks I care too much and it shouldn't bother me that he wants to randomly go MIA and I feel like I'm always the one putting in all the effort. I don't know but I love him but I'm not sure how much longer we will last.

Edited March 12, 2016 by LXMLUV90

[kidm]

Seems like nothing has changed. I think you would better served with leaving the past in the past and finding someone who is looking to be fully invested in a relationship and will meet your needs. Your ex doesn't sound like he is that into you. He claims he loves you but his actions say otherwise.

[d0nnivain]

The thing about LDRs is that at some point you have to be able to close the geographical distance. If you can't be together in the same spot, there is not point in continuing. So before you work on the emotional issues, what is the plan for the more concrete problem? 'Cause it seems to me that you are wasting each other's time. It's convenient for him, when it's convenient for him; otherwise he can't be bothered. I do think that if you had stuck it out & truly build a life instead of scurrying back to your comfort zone this would have had more of a chance but since that ships sailed, exactly what are you hanging on to?

[LXMLUV90]

That's true and I've told him at some point that I would like to be closer again but I mean I don't want to move until we are AT LEAST engaged only because I'll feel like there is more of a commitment. I wanted to honestly stay in NC the first time but my job started cutting my hours and pay and I had to get a second job to stay there. By the time I started making enough money, I was in too much debt which caused me to make the decision to move back home so I can get myself back on my feet again. Before I moved, I asked my boyfriend for help, just a few dollars on rent (and that wasn't something I felt proud of doing )but he refused to help and just shut down emotionally and that's when we stopped talking.

 

Now we are back together and I would like to eventually be closer but I need more of a guarantee on his end before I risk moving across the country again. I live in AZ and he is still in NC. I really do love him and I was able to forgive him for the past but I just don't want to make the same mistake and you're right, I'm not sure what I'm holding on to but I don't like failing a relationship twice with the same person.

[justwhoiam]

He thinks I care too much and it shouldn't bother me that he wants to randomly go MIA

He told you what his nature is. He's like that. He can be with a woman able to accept that. In fact, it looks like he's still single. Eventually, he will change that attitude a bit when he'll start thinking maybe he'd like a family of his own... but not necessarily.

 

I think you should just let him go and find a man who can make you happy. You'd have to constantly fight for the smallest gestures with a man like this. And it's a hassle. You'd need to remind him that you're still a woman (not one of his buddies) and like to be treated as such. So to me, it's not worth wasting any more time.

 

I asked my boyfriend for help, just a few dollars on rent (and that wasn't something I felt proud of doing )but he refused to help and just shut down emotionally

It's a good thing that he made a 180 over money. That showed how committed he was. Zero. I can't imagine my man acting like that, because it sounds very very mean. You made a courageous choice by moving near him to see if the relationship could work. You renounced your stability (stable job, social circle/friends, home) out of love, like many women do. But the moment you needed some help, he turned his back on you. That alone is a good reason why NOT to go back to him. You have your own dignity and, if anything, if he really did a mistake, he should be back to you crawling. But he'll never be, and you know that. He's the same man, he didn't change a bit. And he doesn't have to. You just need another man. It'd just be a toxic relationship for you. You deserve better.