Sleepless in PA

[bmullally]

Hello...

I would like to post my story, and welcome any input from readers. Please share your thoughts.

 

I have been with my significant other now for almost 8 years. Eight months ago, he took a very prestigious job out-of-state. He is now approximately 1,200 miles away from me. During our time dating, and building our relationship here in Pa, he and my son (my son is now 17) got along well. They still do. My significant other (SO) did not really discuss his new potential position with me, and he decided to take the job without us truly sharing our feelings about it. Although, he knew I was not pleased, at the same time, I could not stop him from living his life. Initially, he said he wanted me and my son to move with him, but my son was starting his junior year in high school, and I did not have the heart to uproot him. Plus, we had an aging dog who could not make the move. It was all just too much.

 

I helped him pack up his house and belongings, and move him and our two cats to his new place of residence. It was a 24 hour drive, and it was very stressful, but we made it. I put things in my own life on hold to help him move, and start anew.

 

Prior to his move, my SO and I had a very loving relationship. We saw each other regularly, which helped me to keep my insecurities at bay, even though he went to a hairdresser who he dated briefly, and had many female friends that he spoke to regularly, and contacted his ex girlfriends on occasion. Yes, I communicated my displeasure of these events to him, and he made it seem as though we were okay.Since I saw him regularly, my fears were easily overcome, and I could put things in perspective.

 

Now, the distance has me very "on edge". I have been visiting him in his new place about every 4 to 6 weeks. He has a female boss who is very demanding, and because she hired him, and made the move possible, he has the utmost respect for her, and they are in contact regularly.

 

By the way, I am a very sensual, loving woman, who needs physical contact an intimacy continually. Since his move, he has not been able (or unwilling?) to express his desires for me. All I need is to know he still desires me without me having to ask all the time. If he would give me a little phone sex, or something to feel that I am still his desire, it would greatly help my insecure feelings. He cannot, or will not express this despite my many requests for this type of long distance lovin'.

 

On a very recent visit, we went to workout together at his local fitness center. As soon as we walked in, a very attractive woman about my age made a "beeline" for him. she asked him if he was going to a certain place that evening, and then stated if he wasn't going, she wasn't going either. Hmm. He did introduce me to her, and introduced me as his girlfriend. He and she had a very nice rapport, and they both seemed to know much about each other. Hmm.

 

Then, I saw an email exchange between he and his boss. She told him in the email that she had a great time with him last night, and that she looked forward to meeting his parents the next time they visit. Is this out of line? am I crazy to think there are blurred lines here?

 

I confronted him about both events, and he quickly dismissed each exchange of communication as "nothing".

 

I am now willing to make the move to be with him, and because of my weekly questioning of him and whether or not he is being faithful, he seems a little reluctant to help me make the move to him, and our 2 cats. I miss all of them dearly, and I love him so very much.

 

We just had another argument last night, and I am not sure if we are over or not, but it went like this...He called me at 6 pm. We usually speak several times a day. He normally calls me before we go to bed, or I call him. By about 10:00 pm, i had not heard form him, and I sent him a text message, asking him if he made it home safely from his trip. No reply. I waited about 30 minutes, and texted him again. this time a very loving, sexual message. No reply. He doesn't usually reciprocate sexy texts, which is part of my problem, as mentioned earlier. I asked him to please contact me when he got home, and that I didn't mind how late it was, as I just wanted to say good night to him. I like his voice to be the first and last I hear each day. I sent him a few more loving, sexy messages, and no word back. My concern for his safely turned to annoyance, as I felt I was being ignored. Again. So in the next text message, I stated that I would really appreciate a reply, and that this isn't how this is supposed to work -- I asked him for his help by giving me a brief response, and nothing. I then called him about 6 times, and no answer. My mind started to think the worst -- was he with someone? I reminded him that this is not how I want to be treated. I believe I at least deserve replies. Even if they are brief. But, I suppose I may be wrong--perhaps I should not be sending loving messages in hopes of receiving something like it in return.

 

Am I asking too much here? I miss him every day. I think about him all the time. I long to be near him.

 

Anyway, he said he has had enough of this "stuff" from me, and that he doesn't think this is going to work. He has not called me today. I sent him a loving email, and a text message. Nothing back.

 

I suppose I need to find other ways to occupy my time. I have a busy life, but he always makes it to the forefront of my mind. I am so in love with him. Perhaps I love him too much.

 

Can anyone out there tell me if I am unreasonable? Is he neglectful? Do I expect too much?

 

Thank you for your kind input on the matter.

[Spikiera]

As a man, I can tell you this: when you bombard a man with text and phone calls, it is extremely annoying. You text once or twice, that's it. If you don't get a response, no matter how many more you send him, or call him, he is not going to respond or pick up. Just be patient. You are essentially suffocating him and this will end your relationship for sure.

 

My advise: work on yourself. Like you said, find things to do and get yourself busy. You must deal with this with logic and composure.

[angel.eyes]

Anyway, he said he has had enough of this "stuff" from me, and that he doesn't think this is going to work.

 

I'm very sorry, but the bolded is the crux of the matter. It's not working from his perspective and he's fading out. Clinging on (e.g. suddenly moving to be with him after he's done, repeatedly calling and texting when he ignores your messages) and seeking reassurance will unfortunately only push him further away.

 

Fading is one of the most cruel and cowardly ways to break up with someone IMO. But unfortunately, the recipient has no say in how they are dumped. Just recognize it, accept it rather than begging to return to the old status quo, and try to let go.

 

Do you have friends you can spend more time with? A social network to support you? Try to stay busy, and be thankful that you didn't uproot your teenage son at a critical point in his life. The fact that your SO made a major life decision without consulting you was the first indication that things were no longer the same. It was no longer what was best for you both as a couple driving his decision-making, but rather what was best for him.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this.

[smackie9]

You have been together for 8 years and not married, he made a decision to move far away for a new job, spends time socially outside of work with his new boss....someone he hardly knows, get apprehensive about you moving in with him, lacks communication, has no interest in making quality time with you long distance, now quickly wants to call it quits.

 

IMO, after 8 years, there is a lack of commitment from him and doesn't have you in his best interest. By now there should be marriage, a home, shared life, making decisions together, etc.

 

To me he has decided to leave you in the dust.

[smackie9]

I agree you should develop a new social life, find a new hobby, make new friends, find your independence, be the best parent you can be. Your son comes first, not this relationship. Time to be strong, build a new life.

[road]

Sad news but I think he has moved on but finds it hard to say and rather you dump him or you just ghost him.

[d0nnivain]

Him taking this far away job without so much as a heads up to an SO of 8 years was his way of starting to pull away from you.

 

 

The actions you have taken since he moved which put your insecurities front & center have pushed him farther away. The fact that he's not willing to help you relocate, tells me he is building a new life there without you. You also don't have real trust; you need constant reassurance which is unhealthy.

 

 

This may be the beginning of the end. If there is any small hope of saving this the next time you see him, open a dialogue. Start by saying that all of these changes have made you a bit kooky but you're sorry. Then ask him what he wants, what his vision going forward is. You don't speak other than to ask Qs. You may not like what he has to say but you need to hear it. Do not get defensive. Just listen.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think he was already on his way out of the relationship when he decided to take this job without really talking to you about it. He of course didn't need your permission but it doesn't sound like he really took your feelings into consideration at all.

 

I understand your insecurities were triggered when he didn't respond to you. But unfortunately all those calls and messages didn't help matters. I would give him a few days to let the dust settle and then have a conversation with him about the relationship. To me, it does seem as though this could be it for him. But it would be better to speak about it when you're both not so emotionally-charged.

[elaine567]

Yes, taking the job maybe was an indication that he wanted freedom, but if that was not his intention, then he may now be peeved, upset and hurt that the OP chose HER son and the ageing dog over moving away with him.

 

"Very prestigious" jobs do not come along very often, he maybe assumed the OP would just tag along but she didn't, which then caused him to question the whole relationship.

[Lorenza]

Him moving away doesn't necessarily mean he wanted to get out of the relationship, after all OP had a fair chance to move together with him, but chose not to due to circumstances. We can only guess if he knew that she's not gonna be able to make the move.

 

I think the distance and OP's insecurities killed it for him. When 2 people are in close proximity and plan their time together, it's easier to tolerate each other's flaws, since attachment and common habits/routine is a big factor in a relationship. But since he moved away and started becoming detached (and that happens much faster for men), got involved into his new life, new contacts and new freedom, it gave enough distraction for him to stop being close to OP and feed her constant fears and insecurities. Though I'm not saying that it's not ok to be against your man spending a lot of time with close female friends (I don't tolerate it either), but then it's better to choose someone who has the same views on opposite-sex friends.