she took kids across stateline (wants space)

[thereIShope]

wife and i have been together for 11 years married for 8. have two daughters 9 and 5.

long story short she took the kids from our residency in ORegon to CA and says she wants time and space. she has been gone close to 5 months.

so i am concerned about fathers rights for custody after 6 months.

however will not give any time line and or very limited contact.

 

the long story starts with a somewhat very intimate start, i should of know it was a trap from the start seeing how she has daddy issues(dad is alcoholic, distant emotionally abusive) and she quickly was codependent used sex as an escape to her past hurts. she pushed away emotionally became very spiritual but often would go from outgoing to 3 days staying depressed inside. she left last year in may but returned(made claims of abuse) one more seperation in JULY for TEN days she asked me to return. then in november said she wants 3 months seperation if i dont let her go she will make a abuse report to try to ruin my career, she had a secret bag with secret phone, cash , checks and followed a safety escape plan that a battered wife would use. we did not have any physical fights. we have been both seeing a counselor (who says not to use the word abuse)(that she is safe), she has her own counselor, her aunt is a social worker(would call and text her daily to check on her and suggested that our relationship may be life her past abusive relationship) and her sister is a social worker in training. she was told to read "why does he do that"(about angry and abusive men) and highlighted everything in the book and stated it was our relationship" when she left she signed an agreement with counselor stating when counselor says its safe she will return. (the counselor stated she would be safe to return to continue seperation in OREGON two weeks ago) statement also has visitation agreements for myself and my daughters. i see them about 3-6 days a month. my counselor suggested seeing a Lawyer and doing mediation if possible because she is enrolled in college down in california, has kids enrolled in public school , has kids in long term activities, and oral ortho care for daughter however says that when GOD says to she will drop everything and return. now i am christian but it doesnt make since to me and seems like a stall technique. i have written her a letter displaying i understand how she may of felt and to try to understand her point of view of any tough moments(sarcasm, anger, told her shes cold, distant ext). i have honored her boundaries which consist of

some personal calls

no romantic talk

no physical touching

nothing intimate

no sending pictures of us together

 

little talk face to face during the 3 day kid visits

she doesnt want a divorce but wants a break from anything intimate. repeats saying let her take the lead with intimacy. i have tried no contact but its not possible while also maintianing relationship with kids. i have tried the 180, working on my self, working out, owning up to mistakes, dressing up appearance, working on career, read numerous save marriage books, abuse books, domestic violance books,

 

any one please help

Edited March 13, 2016 by thereIShope

[Ms. Faust]

I'm sorry, can I ask why you did not do something about this 5 months ago? If it happened to me I would have ran down to the courthouse, filed for divorce, and requested that she bring the children BACK to their primary residency. Because this has been several months since the move I am not sure how the courts would look at it.

 

Have you met with an attorney?

[thereIShope]

my theory after much counsel and reading books in this situation is to let go...

i wanted her to be able to have the space she was requesting i did not want a divorce and to my knowledge either does she. but yes i agree with you.

i did see an attorney and they all said what you are saying they were quick to want to file but to definitely act before 6 months. my goal was to get her to return on her own will.

[RRM321]

How often during this 5 month period have you see your daughters?

 

I ask because, they are conspicuously missing in your post and the reason for that would be important to any comment or suggestion I would offer.

[Ms. Faust]

How often have you been able to see the children?

[SoleMate]

You don't necessarily have to file for divorce, but you must take immediate legal steps to protect your and your children's rights to a father/child relationship. You must also take your lawyer's advice on how to provide for them and nurture them, even from a distance. Letting your children be taken away from you without a protest or effective action is tantamount to passive abandonment. Hoping to encourage her to return with them is not a strategy you should rely on. Time to step up as a father.

[TunaCat]

This marriage will not be salvaged, so you need to do everything humanly possible to save your relationship with your children. Your desire to save your marriage needs to come 2nd to your children.

 

I'm concerned that the courts could consider this an abandonment case because you didn't fight for your kids. You didn't fight to see your kids on a consistent basis. You are their father. Step up and BE a father who is a consistent presence in his daughters' lives.

[thereIShope]

i am able to see them every other weekend some months i see them for 4-5 days every other week. during holidays i saw them a lot

[thereIShope]

trust me tuna cat i fought for them a lot my counselor stated it would be best to let her have space and if needed file separation now. which sounds like we will be doing mediation next week. i also don't think its best to speculate and say that the marriage can't be salvaged with the little info you know. but i appreciate u stating i should make some things happen for my kids relationship

 

i also talk to the kids daily with her phone, FaceTime daily, and have numerous emails stating i did not want her to leave with kids without my permission, i do not approve of them being enrolled in school but if it would help reconciliation i wanted her to have a break.

Edited March 13, 2016 by thereIShope

[Tayla]

The marriage is flatlining.

 

Silence breeds consent.

 

What do you find loving about your family unit?

 

There are too many holes in this tale to give a solid response.

[sandylee1]

The reason I would not want to stay in this marriage...is the threat to accuse you of abuse if you didn't let her go. So that information alone... translates to unsalvageable.

 

I would take such a threat very seriously and file for Divorce getting regular visitation. Any marriage that involves one threatening the other.... and with lies that could affect the rest of your life is not a marriage worth being in.

 

If my brother was in such a situation... I'd be advocating divorce VERY QUICKLY.

[elaine567]

OP hasn't actually refuted any of these claims of abuse, apart from "no physical fights". I guess there has been serious issues in this marriage resulting in his wife feeling threatened and she has thus taken herself and the kids far away. She agreed to return when his counsellor deemed it safe, it has taken his counsellor almost 6 months to come to that decision, which may be telling.

I guess due to the permanency of the provisions she has now made for herself and the kids in Ca, she is NOT coming back, no matter how safe his counsellor now says it is for her.

 

The OP needs to forget everything else and make sure he gains access to his children, if that is truly what he wants here.

[sandylee1]

Using the word 'claim ' led me to believe there was no abuse.

 

It seems her aunt/sister mentioned abuse in a previous relationship... but either way that threat wouldn't fly with me.

 

I'd always be scared she'd frame me in the future...like living on eggshells really.

[thereIShope]

Thank u all for info

Edited March 13, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator