picnicinthepark Posted March 13, 2016 Share Posted March 13, 2016 Summary: - we met through a mutual friend last summer in the US and we kept in touch - she came to Canada to visit our mutual friend shortly after and we reconnected - I visited her in Europe (where she was interning) during a part of my trip in the fall and we travelled together - we decided to try long distance after our trip - visited her again in Europe before Christmas - she moved back to the US before the new year and visited me in Canada recently and met a good number of my friends and family - we live about an hour plane ride from each other now and are planning monthly visits Now that the distance between us is significantly less, I'm feeling much better. However, I still have some insecurities. We've discussed (to exhaustion) the idea that long-term plans aren't feasible at this point in time. We've been together for about 5 months now and have very strong feelings for one another (I haven't told her that I love her yet though). We talk on the phone and FaceTime regularly and we're constantly trying to improve our communication. My biggest concern is if we'll ever commit to closing the gap. We're currently trying to establish careers in different cities in different countries. Our careers could take us anywhere but they will ultimately end up in our respective countries. I am open to relocation when the time is right but that is not anytime soon. For now, short-term goals (planning visits, etc.) are the only thing keeping us grounded. We're both in our mid-20's and we're not in any rush for marriage. The key piece of advice that I've been given with respect to LDR's is that you need to have an end date. Is this really necessary? The way we see it, as long as we're happy there is no point in stressing about things you have no control over. I'd like to hear your thoughts and any other advice you may have. I really do love my girlfriend and I want so many things for us. I just want to do absolutely everything I can to give us the best chance to make this work. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted March 13, 2016 Share Posted March 13, 2016 The key piece of advice that I've been given with respect to LDR's is that you need to have an end date. Is this really necessary? It really depends on the people involved. I personally needed to have an end date at a reasonably early stage, otherwise I would not have been able to weather the distance. But on the other hand, there are a few LDR couples that have gotten by for years without one, and they seem quite happy. So I wouldn't necessarily say that a concrete end date is needed for ALL LDRs, unlike some definite necessities like trust, regular communication and visiting as often as you can, etc. But some of us do need it - it depends on you and your gf. What does she think about it? That being said, I also think that a one-hour plane ride is pretty good as far as LDRs go, so you have that on your side. Monthly visits are a lot easier to hold up a relationship with than annual or bi-annual visits, for sure. And I don't think either of you should sacrifice your career to close the distance, at least not so early in the relationship, so I think you both made the right choice to prioritize your careers for now. All the best, I hope you make it! Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted March 13, 2016 Share Posted March 13, 2016 (I haven't told her that I love her yet) Small inconsequential detail, right? Not so, if you ask me. But maybe I just come from a different background. The key piece of advice that I've been given with respect to LDR's is that you need to have an end date. Is this really necessary? [...] I really do love my girlfriend Well, if you sink into a routine where time goes by and nothing happens, no excitement, combined with the fact that you don't even tell her your intentions or whether you love her or not, I doubt it will last a lot. 1.5 years would be a long time, 2 years would be a bonus, 3 years would be almost incredible and hardly doable. It's OK if you don't say I love you, because you need more time to establish if you really do love her, or if you are not sure she's the one for you. It's not OK if you hold back for obscure reasons. But rest assured that life goes on, and it does with her living without you. If she can't feel too attached to you because it feels like a "short" fling, she might be swept away any moment with a guy who will change her life for the better (sexually, emotionally, socially, etc.) Link to post Share on other sites
Author picnicinthepark Posted March 15, 2016 Author Share Posted March 15, 2016 So I wouldn't necessarily say that a concrete end date is needed for ALL LDRs, unlike some definite necessities like trust, regular communication and visiting as often as you can, etc. But some of us do need it - it depends on you and your gf. What does she think about it? Thank you for you input! At this point we've decided that there is no sense in stressing over things we cannot control. However, its not to say our relationship isn't going to progress. I think it's very important for us to be able to live and grow separately. We're doing our best to be open and honest with one another and I hope that our expectations of the relationship will develop as time goes on. For now we're focusing on regular communication and planning visits that fit our work schedules and finances. As you mentioned, our careers come first. Ideally I'd like to be in the position where I could find a job closer to her. This goal only further motivates me to excel in my career. Regardless of the outcome, I feel very positive about this. Again, I really appreciate the feedback! Sometimes it can feel like you're alone in an LDR but receiving constructive criticism from folks who are (or have been) in your position really makes a difference! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author picnicinthepark Posted March 15, 2016 Author Share Posted March 15, 2016 Well, if you sink into a routine where time goes by and nothing happens, no excitement, combined with the fact that you don't even tell her your intentions or whether you love her or not, I doubt it will last a lot. 1.5 years would be a long time, 2 years would be a bonus, 3 years would be almost incredible and hardly doable. Falling into a routine is trouble! Trust me, I've been there. We're just taking it one day at a time. Again, I think we'll have a better idea of our expectations as the relationship progresses. If the distance becomes too much, I expect that we'll be honest with each other and go from there. Things aren't ideal at the present moment, but we're doing the best we can. It's OK if you don't say I love you, because you need more time to establish if you really do love her, or if you are not sure she's the one for you. It's not OK if you hold back for obscure reasons. I think it's more along the lines of the fear of rejection. I don't think I'm the first person to feel this way. To be honest, I've never been the first to say it in the couple serious relationships I've bene in. I do love my girlfriend and I guess I'm just waiting for the right time to tell her. Thank you for your insight! Link to post Share on other sites
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