Not sure how to do with budgeting in my marriage [UPDATED 2017]

[amazingdrummer]

I married to a guy who earns 4 times as mine. He works shorter hours, relaxed work, well paid, and even receive some allowance for renting (very lucky guy).

He rent a nice place, spend lot of his money on his hobby (musical stuffs), eat expensive foods and regularly eat out with his friends. I was well-aware of my finance, so I rarely joined them.

Before our marriage, he told me cuz he earned much more than me, he would take care of the rent and foods, I could keep my money for my self and pay for utilities.

I of course, still go to market and buy my foods most of the time because my diet is very simple (mainly veggie) and because he only buy enough groceries to cook if he ate at home - as I said, he eat out and drinking with friends a lot.

The first rent after the marriage, he asked me "who pay for the rent?", and I just replied gently "you". He has lived in this place long time before I moved in. And then he started to asked me "so I pay for rent, you pay for foods". I can't afford his 'you pay for foods", if we eat out, i would cost my bi-weekly paycheck, and if not, he orders Japanese foods cuz he loves to 'enjoy life". And as I said, I normally cook and eat alone - mostly veggies and fruits. He didn't like the foods I cooked at all so he wouldn't eat if I cook.

So I say "let combine all our earning together, and then we can use those money to pay for all the expenses, and save together"

And he was like "No way, I earn way more than you". And then I say "but it's fair, I contribute all I earn too". He told me "Fair for you, not for me", so it seems like he want me to contribute same amount as him, regardless of what we earn, regardless of our different lifestyles.

I'm not sure if I seems greedy to him, or he is being selfish.

 

How do you solve your budget question in your marriage?

[basil67]

My husband also earned substantially more than me when we met. We put our money in a joint account and used the combined proceeds to pay for whatever needing buying. (food, utilities, mortgage, clothes, outings - everything).

 

I later received some inheritance money which also went into the joint account.

[S2B]

Why not both of you lay out on paper:

 

Exactly what you earn

Money paid to taxes and healthcare

Every dime that is spent and what it's spent on

Then compare notes

 

Do this for three months. Then find a way to compromise and work as a team by making agreements about what to spend on and how much of your pay you both plan to save.

[dichotomy]

I will tell you what I have always used -using example

 

Add both your incomes together - say for simplicity its $100,000. But you make $30,000 of it and he makes 60K. So you make 30% of the house hold income.

 

Add up only the living basics - rent, electric, cable bill, basic groceries. Each month. What ever that amount is (say 2000 per month) - you pay 30% of it. One easy way is simply to give him a check at the end of the month for 600 bucks. Or if there is some bills that roughly amount to 600 a month - you agree to pay those.

 

All other expenses that are optional - are up to the person who wants them. Their own money, or you discuss if you have ability to chip in. Basically you control your own fun money.

 

I like this system because you pay "your fair share" based on your percent of what you bring in as income. Should someone get raises, or make more money later that the other then the percentages change.

 

I dont like joint accounts where money is pooled and both have access to - unless that account is just for bill paying and you just put in whats needed (transfer from your own account monthly).

Edited March 13, 2016 by dichotomy

[amazingdrummer]

I will tell you what I have always used -using example

 

Add both your incomes together - say for simplicity its $100,000. But you make $30,000 of it and he makes 60K. So you make 30% of the house hold income.

 

Add up only the living basics - rent, electric, cable bill, basic groceries. Each month. What ever that amount is (say 2000 per month) - you pay 30% of it. One easy way is simply to give him a check at the end of the month for 600 bucks. Or if there is some bills that roughly amount to 600 a month - you agree to pay those.

 

All other expenses that are optional - are up to the person who wants them. Their own money, or you discuss if you have ability to chip in. Basically you control your own fun money.

 

I like this system because you pay "your fair share" based on your percent of what you bring in as income. Should someone get raises, or make more money later that the other then the percentages change.

 

I think paying based on the percentage is fair too. My hubby, on the other hand, defines 'fairness' is 50-50, and since our income disparity is 4-1, even if I contribute 70% of my income, and he contributes 30% of his, he still feel like he pay the lion's share. My hubby is always tight with his money if he has to spend on other people except himself.

I started to worry what if I'm pregnant or lose my job and he has to support me, he would become so resentful.

 

I feel frustrating, and very upset with the situation, and since I'm very weak at communication, I become silent.

 

For the temporary solution, should I suggest we will cook and eat separately? (although it sounds terrible for a newly-wed, in my opinion)

[heartwhole]

I remember a struggle to make things equitable when we were first married too. If I recall correctly, we decided on a flat fee for my husband to contribute since he made less than I did and the condo was in my name, but it seemed like he always had enough money left over to splurge on himself and I always struggled to pay everything.

 

Things were much simpler and less stressful once we shared everything. You and your husband need to have a lot of conversations about your goals and expectations. His response does sound selfish to me since he was more generous before you were married. It sounds like he resents the idea of supporting you, but he knew that you make 1/4 of his income when he married you. If he were to lose his job or you were to get a big pay increase or inheritance, I bet all of a sudden he would think that sharing all your money is a good idea.

 

I like the percentage idea. You are a team now, a family. You both have a say in how much you save and how much you spend. You should have shared goals.

[d0nnivain]

Sorry but your husband is stingy. This is exactly why fights about money ruin marriages.

 

 

Can you get him into marriage counseling because he really needs to understand that you two are now a team. There is no more HIS and YOURS. There is only ours. Plural pronouns: we, ours and us are the only ones allowed. I, me & mine have to go.

[Gemma1]

I would be equally concerned about what his attitude says about his overall personality. He seems so selfish. what are you going to do when/if you have kids? Argue over who bought diapers the last time?

 

I think counseling would help you guys a lot.

[Mrs. John Adams]

We put all of our money in the bank...both of us into the same checking account.

 

I write the checks to pay all of the bills....out of that checking account.

 

My husband makes 6 times more money than i do....

 

We owe zero dollars.....

 

and this is the way we have taken care of our household for 44 years.

 

We have never had separate checking accounts....

 

We have never divided the bills...they are OUR bills...

[amazingdrummer]

We put all of our money in the bank...both of us into the same checking account.

 

I write the checks to pay all of the bills....out of that checking account.

My husband makes 6 times more money than i do....

We owe zero dollars.....

and this is the way we have taken care of our household for 44 years.

We have never had separate checking accounts....

We have never divided the bills...they are OUR bills...

 

My parents do the same way, and they have been married 30+ years. His parents also do the same. I do believe when we get married, we should be a team. I was suggesting the to combine all our incomes too (and he refused).

I'm not irresponsible spender, never buy anything I can't afford, so I have never been in debts. I'm not sure if he is 'stingy' or he doesn't trust me yet.

 

A year ago, I lend a friend some money for her infertility treatment, which I knew from the start that I would not receive back any time near in future - but they were desperately wanting a kid. The treatment was failed, and my husband (he was my bf at that time) said that my decision was foolish. He sometime told me he would not be my ATM although I have never borrowed him money before, nor he bought me anything expensive.

 

Silly me, but sometime I wish we were equally 'poor', I then would be able to deal with the problem much more easily

[loveboid]

He sounds selfish. He's probably selfish in other ways besides money too. Even if you fixed the money issue, he would still be selfish in other, possibly more destructive ways.

 

Your guy lied to you to get you to marry him...he said he'd pay rent and food and you'd save. There's no reason to lie to a future spouse unless what he wants is unreasonable and he knows no person would agree to it.

 

Imagine if he had said before marriage that you pay rent or for all of the food? With your salaries and lifestyles no one would agree to that.

 

He's chosen to behave very badly with you.

 

My fiance and I have discussed money. He makes more than me. It would go into a joint account and I handle all our finances. He wants to make sure that I know how to handle our money when he--probably--passes before me.

[Mrs. John Adams]

My parents do the same way, and they have been married 30+ years. His parents also do the same. I do believe when we get married, we should be a team. I was suggesting the to combine all our incomes too (and he refused).

I'm not irresponsible spender, never buy anything I can't afford, so I have never been in debts. I'm not sure if he is 'stingy' or he doesn't trust me yet.

 

A year ago, I lend a friend some money for her infertility treatment, which I knew from the start that I would not receive back any time near in future - but they were desperately wanting a kid. The treatment was failed, and my husband (he was my bf at that time) said that my decision was foolish. He sometime told me he would not be my ATM although I have never borrowed him money before, nor he bought me anything expensive.

 

Silly me, but sometime I wish we were equally 'poor', I then would be able to deal with the problem much more easily

 

You said you are MARRIED....if you are just living together...then that changes things....however...he still sounds extremely selfish.

[amazingdrummer]

You said you are MARRIED....if you are just living together...then that changes things....however...he still sounds extremely selfish.

yes, we are married (we didnt live together before the wedding). I admit Im not well-prepared with the situation, but now I need to find the way to make this marrige works, and money is the first problem to solve

[Mrs. John Adams]

I agree that you need to find a solution to your problem.

 

Maybe your parents can help you and make suggestions since they all know your situation.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

Alright, IME.... this can be an ever changing issue depending on a lot of factors. Every single system we have tried in 15 years has had a weakness in it. A weakness where resentment has potential to build from one party or the other, and eventually does just that. So we just pick a new system at that time after a nice discussion (read fight lol) stick with it and it seems to work well for 3-5 years and we are good. Then ol resentment somehow finds the weakness in that system... lather, rinse, repeat. Our money fights haven't been too bad though, because we have both been... I'd put it, decently compromising on the subject. Haha. We have a new system in place now that has been working quite well for about 6 months. We are both very happy with it. Wonder how long this one will last

[georgia girl]

We initially had a difference of opinion about money because my husband and I make different amounts (I make a little more). I was all for combined income but my husband wanted us to each contribute the same amount as he felt like he was taking advantage of me if we just threw our checks into the same account. In the end, we decided that we would each keep a roughly equal amount of "mad money" (personal money we keep for ourselves) and throw the remainder into a family pool out of which we pay all of our bills.

 

It has worked out well for us. We both like the idea of having our own personal money so that we can buy things we desire without having to ask the other. And yet, the shared pool covers all of our expenses and creates a large shared savings pool with which we plan the big purchases together.

 

 

I would recommend that the two of you actually meet with a financial counselor who can help you all prepare for both the financial and legal implications of being married. For example, because his company matched a set percentage of retirement contributions, we decided to maximize my husbands contribution. Because it made sense for us both to keep single health insurance plans,'we decided to do that. We were recommended to get our wills done, change our life insurance and vehicle coverages, and to sell/rather then rent out my house (I moved into his).

 

At the end of the day, I do contribute more to our shared pool of money but I feel absolutely no resentment. My husband does repairs on our house which saves us a fortune and he had a lot more in retirement savings than I did. So it really is all even.

 

You have a to find a fair and even balance or you both will end up resenting each other.

[elaine567]

This sounds more like an arrangement or even a house share rather than a marriage.

He lords it with his huge salary, eating out at expensive restaurants with his friends and you eat like a pauper on your own in the kitchen.

You sound like Cinderella not his wife.

And now he wants you to subsidise his lifestyle too...

 

He sounds selfish, and he is taking advantage.

Marriage is a team sport, to work it needs both pulling together.

He and you already sound miles apart.

How old are you and him?

[loveboid]

I agree--you were his soon-to-be wife so he should have been paying for you to have meals out with him.

 

You are going to have to keep watching out for yourself with him. These type of people will do you a little favor and expect you to do a lot more for them in return. They have unreasonable expectations. They expect to do a little and for you to do a lot.

 

The problem is they rarely change, only their tactics. The more you create a fair relationship, the more sneaky they get.

[bathtub-row]

I think you married a really selfish man. Not only that, he doesn't value you. Any guy that refuses to combine incomes and wants to even things out with expenses is very self-centered and not invested in you or your marriage.

[dichotomy]

So if all of a sudden you got a million dollar a year job - and then you bought a big 5 million dollar mansion - he would/could pay half the mortgage. Ya right.

 

He is being selfish and controlling. Not a good sign for a newly married husband.

 

"To each according to their abilities"

[Lily blue]

Wow...why even people bother to getting married? His and mine, hers and mine everything is separate ...

I am so lucky and so blessed have a such Man...my boy friend is the Man.

 

He earns a lot ...I moved in to his nice big house, first, he bought me a car and he ask me not to work because I work enough getting low pay and working my butt off.

He pays everything and never, ever ask of me to pay for anything.

He takes me out to shop every weekend buys me clothes or whatever...if I say I have enough....he say let just see what they got in there and we go in, he grab stuff and ask if I like it? If I smile, he buys it and than takes me out to my favorite restaurants.

 

He is getting better and better now and treats me better by the day....

If man earns a lot, he should take care of his wife period.

I am so lucky having a boy friend who act like he is my husband I mean, loving responsible unselfish one.

[anika99]

Wow...why even people bother to getting married? His and mine, hers and mine everything is separate ...

I am so lucky and so blessed have a such Man...my boy friend is the Man.

 

He earns a lot ...I moved in to his nice big house, first, he bought me a car and he ask me not to work because I work enough getting low pay and working my butt off.

He pays everything and never, ever ask of me to pay for anything.

He takes me out to shop every weekend buys me clothes or whatever...if I say I have enough....he say let just see what they got in there and we go in, he grab stuff and ask if I like it? If I smile, he buys it and than takes me out to my favorite restaurants.

 

He is getting better and better now and treats me better by the day....

If man earns a lot, he should take care of his wife period.

I am so lucky having a boy friend who act like he is my husband I mean, loving responsible unselfish one.

 

 

I'm glad you have a man who treats you so well. Since you don't even have to work you should take this time to go to school and get educated and find a career. Don't foolishly choose to just be totally financially dependent on a man. That would be a big mistake.

[amazingdrummer]

I agree--you were his soon-to-be wife so he should have been paying for you to have meals out with him.

 

You are going to have to keep watching out for yourself with him. These type of people will do you a little favor and expect you to do a lot more for them in return. They have unreasonable expectations. They expect to do a little and for you to do a lot.

 

The problem is they rarely change, only their tactics. The more you create a fair relationship, the more sneaky they get.

 

I know he is a little bit "mine, mine" from the first day we dated, and I blame myself partly for letting it happen - I tolerated his attitude.

Besides selfish with money, and chores, and some other stuffs, he is a good husband. If he wake up before me, he won't turn on the light so I can continue sleeping. And he texts me everyday to see if my work is okay. I really appreciate small gestures.

 

Anyway, we will sit down tonight and I will try to have a proper talk with him about money. As I said, I'm bad at communicating, so maybe I haven't expressed myself and my thoughts clearly enough for him to understand my situation and expectation.

[Phoenician]

We put all of our money in the bank...both of us into the same checking account.

 

I write the checks to pay all of the bills....out of that checking account.

 

My husband makes 6 times more money than i do....

 

We owe zero dollars.....

 

and this is the way we have taken care of our household for 44 years.

 

We have never had separate checking accounts....

 

We have never divided the bills...they are OUR bills...

 

 

Dear LAdy ,This was working great when women used to hide money in their cleavage.

 

the idea was that women from that world had a different mentality .

 

a great one .

 

I used to share my earnings which is 5 times my wife income ; never cared about it ; few years back , she became shopaholic ; and destroys every penny that comes to her hand .

 

the only solution i was left with was letting her spend her own money ; i take care of expenses but I am not going to pay for the f... 400$ purse.

 

OP,

 

to tell you the truth , maybe your hubby is stingy ;or may be u r looking at him like you look at a goose laying golden eggs ...

 

you should push him to increase as much as possible the shares related to kids, home ,necessities.

 

but you shouldn't please yourself in spending his money ... you don't have that right .

 

that's my 2 cents .

 

 

 

 

[Mrs. John Adams]

Dear LAdy ,This was working great when women used to hide money in their cleavage.

 

the idea was that women from that world had a different mentality .

 

a great one .

 

I used to share my earnings which is 5 times my wife income ; never cared about it ; few years back , she became shopaholic ; and destroys every penny that comes to her hand .

 

the only solution i was left with was letting her spend her own money ; i take care of expenses but I am not going to pay for the f... 400$ purse.

 

OP,

 

to tell you the truth , maybe your hubby is stingy ;or may be u r looking at him like you look at a goose laying golden eggs ...

 

you should push him to increase as much as possible the shares related to kids, home ,necessities.

 

but you shouldn't please yourself in spending his money ... you don't have that right .

 

that's my 2 cents .

 

 

 

 

 

lol..I am old....but i am NOT THAT old....

 

I have never hid money in my cleavage...or anything else.

 

I run our household...I pay all the bills....

 

Mr. JA takes care of our future.....he has always taken care of our savings etc.

 

There is no need to hide anything. We trust each other...and it has worked our whole married lives.

 

I understand not everyone can do what we have done....but you might be surprised how many couples only have one joint checking account.