Blaming myself for daughter's poor dating

[Sachs]

Good day all. I have a 16 year old daughter in Newark, while I live in Trenton and work just over the Hudson. I'm divorced and moved out almost 7 years ago leaving my daughter behind with her mother when she was only 10. While I don't feel particularly proud of breaking up the marriage, I've still done all I could to stay in touch with my little girl in that time.

 

To my delight this has worked for the first 3 years or so until she became a bit distant around the age of 13-14. I wanted to become more actively involved in her life around that time but her mother insisted she had it under control and believed that my interference would've made things worse so I obliged to stay away for the moment.

 

Fast forward to now and my daughter's mother calling me on the phone some time last night to reveal how Raquel (Fictitious name) had just moved out on a whim with her 35 year old boyfriend, who came out of nowhere . I'm particularly disturbed by this because I'm only 37 and cant do a damn thing about this arrangement because I've been out of touch for nearly 3 years on behalf of her mother and the legal age of consent in Jersey is exactly 16. In my opinion is much too young for the statutes to be set at.

 

I feel helpless and angry about learning this. My ex-wife now wants me to step in by giving me Raquel's number but I got no response after calling and calling all night and again this morning.

 

I didn't bother to leave a message because I don't really know what to say or do. I was only calling because it was just instinct to do so. After letting my ex wife know about my futile attempts to reach Raquel, she tells me to just text her, but I'm no good at that and don't really know what to say.

 

I've only slept 4 hours since this has been on my mind and I'm saddened in that I feel I'm somewhat to blame because my daughter used to call me so much just several years ago just to talk about anything from Justin Bieber to the latest rom-com and now nothing . The dating the older man is probably her way in getting back at us, right? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[preraph]

Unfortunately, New Jersey's age of consent is 16, with no limitation on age gap. You should write your senator about that.

 

So that leaves you with few options. You go to where she lives and make her speak to you in private out of the house, stay calm, and give her all the wisdom you have in you. She will be mad because she's a teen, but at some level she will know you care and that will count for something when she runs up against trouble. You might giver her this little factoid: The lobe of the brain which can predict the consequences of one's actions isn't developed at 16. In fact, it's not fully developed until mid-20s. That's why age of consent, especially since pregnancy is too easily involved, shouldn't be 16. A girl her age doesn't even know what she'd be getting into if she accidentally got pregnant (or on purpose -- these kids have fantasies about playing house that are totally unrealistic.)

 

So talk to her whether she wants to hear it or not. And one of you should be sure she's on birth control. Write NJ senator today about their age of consent being 16 and suggest they at least put a 3 year cap on that so the oldest that could date her would be 19. No girl at 16 is qualified to become a mother or has any inkling what she'd be getting into. So birth control is the main goal here, since you'll likely not change her mind. Offer to get her to the doctor and pay for birth control yourself.

[Gemma1]

Unfortunately I don't think there's much you can do. No matter what my ex said, I could never just end my relationship with my child for 3 years. You ended your relationship during a seriously crucial time in her life, when she was going through so many changes. I think it's too late for you to try to step in now. Obviously you have to try, I'm just saying that I wouldn't expect any results.

 

You need to send her a long, heartfelt message explaining why you haven't been in her life and that you're sorry and you want to see her and talk to her about what's going on in her life. That you're not judging her, you're not there to lecture her. You just want to talk. And um...I wouldn't mention anything about her brain being underdeveloped. While it might be true...probably not a good thing to bring up to a rebellious teenager.

 

But like I said, you shouldn't expect anything to come of it. This might be a mistake she needs to figure out on her own. I just hope she doesn't end up in trouble, or worse.

Edited March 13, 2016 by Gemma1

[Emilia]

My first boyfriend was 36 when I was 19. I know 19 is older than 16 but I was a virgin when we got together and he was a very considerate and caring lover. The whole thing went on for 2 years and it caused me no harm. Quite the opposite: never had teenage boyfriends. I'm sure you remember OP what those boys can be like

[Sachs]

Unfortunately I don't think there's much you can do. No matter what my ex said, I could never just end my relationship with my child for 3 years. You ended your relationship during a seriously crucial time in her life, when she was going through so many changes. I think it's too late for you to try to step in now. Obviously you have to try, I'm just saying that I wouldn't expect any results.

 

You need to send her a long, heartfelt message explaining why you haven't been in her life and that you're sorry and you want to see her and talk to her about what's going on in her life. That you're not judging her, you're not there to lecture her. You just want to talk. And um...I wouldn't mention anything about her brain being underdeveloped. While it might be true...probably not a good thing to bring up to a rebellious teenager.

 

But like I said, you shouldn't expect anything to come of it. This might be a mistake she needs to figure out on her own. I just hope she doesn't end up in trouble, or worse.

 

Thank you I really just want to talk to her in only the way a concerned father should under these circumstances. I'm just angry that I allowed my ex wife to dictate where I should stand with my daughter 3-4 years ago, wanting to be the sole parent in Raquel's life, believing that she understood what a teen girl goes through at that age, and now that Raquel has done the unthinkable my ex-wife wants me back in the picture.

 

The mere problem here is that I don't know where Raquel has moved out to because she's with this creep and I've just finished sending her a quick text, saying, "hello can we talk for a moment" and still awaiting a response.