How far should I go to rekindle an old flame?

[TheBathWater]

We were together on/off from 2005-2010 while we were in our early-mid twenties. Some of that time we were official, other times we were seeing other people and remained friends, and other times we were single and hooking up. The last time we were seeing each other we were just starting to hook up again but she was aware I was seeing other women. When she found out I had slept with someone else, she was understandably upset and she called it quits with me for good. I attempted to persuade her to try an open relationship with me since I was still sewing my wild oats. She thought about it but decided it wasn't for her. So it was a calm and mature goodbye that we had, but she was firm that we could not remain in contact even as friends because history shows we can never be just friends.

 

Now that I'm older, more experienced and wiser, I have never been so sure that if there was one woman out there I've known who was the one for me, it's her. I have no doubt about it. I've known this for some years now. Maybe once a year or so, I try to contact her through a friendly text or voicemail, but she never returns my contact and so I back off until another year or so passes. I think I've blown it for good with her, but I'd also like to think that if somehow we could just reconnect again that we would wind up together, probably even get married and have children. If she's with someone else now I'd back off, but if she's still single then I think we should go for it.

 

Is there some other measure I can take to get her attention? I've thought about just showing up to her apartment sometime and asking if we can have a coffee or lunch. I don't want to seem crazy, but I'm convinced that we are made for each other. I just wasn't ready for her back then.

Edited March 13, 2016 by TunaInTheBrine

[diddy]

not because you think your made for each other that the other party thinks the same,people always forget that;). maybe she thinks your still screwing others or u will still want to do the same while your 2gether.

[diddy]

Now that I'm older, more experienced and wiser, I have never been so sure that if there was one woman out there I've known who was the one for me, it's her. I have no doubt about it. I've known this for some years now. Maybe once a year or so, I try to contact her through a friendly text or voicemail, but she never returns my contact and so I back off until another year or so passes. I think I've blown it for good with her, but I'd also like to think that if somehow we could just reconnect again that we would, probably even get married and have children. If she's with someone else now I'd back off, but if she's still single then I think we should go for it.

 

I don't want to seem crazy, but I'm convinced that we are made for each other. I just wasn't ready for her back then.

[TheBathWater]

Well she doesn't respond to any of the texts/voicemails I've left her roughly once a year. Should I just show up at her apartment? That's basically my question. How far do I go to put myself in front of her?

[Simon Phoenix]

Well she doesn't respond to any of the texts/voicemails I've left her roughly once a year. Should I just show up at her apartment? That's basically my question. How far do I go to put myself in front of her?

 

You don't. You take the hint that she doesn't want anything to do with you and leave it be. Upping the ante with a random pop-in is obtrusive and confrontational.

 

She's just not that into you. Accept it, respect her wishes, and leave it be.

[TheBathWater]

You don't. You take the hint that she doesn't want anything to do with you and leave it be. Upping the ante with a random pop-in is obtrusive and confrontational.

 

She's just not that into you. Accept it, respect her wishes, and leave it be.

 

Yeah, I was afraid that was probably the answer.

[Standard-Fare]

Unfortunately timing is everything with relationships. It's not like this thing was just frozen on the shelf during these past few years, waiting for that miraculous moment when you were finally "ready" for it to be unfrozen. I'm sure she's been through a lot of life changes, has probably loved other people, and could very well be in another serious relationship right now. You can't just disregard all that.

 

However, I do sense that you're coming from a very real place with your emotions.

 

You've already tried reaching out to through texts or voicemails without any luck - there's no point in continuing that tactic. And showing up at her door would be creepy and aggressive, frankly. This isn't the movies.

 

If you still feel haunted enough by this to keep trying, I'd suggest a handwritten letter. Not some overwhelming 10-pager, but a 100 percent genuine expression of your regrets about the past and the hope you've harbored all these years that the two of you could reconnect. And an explanation of where your head's at now. Acknowledge that it's a fool's dream but something you owe it to yourself to express.

 

I will warn that your chances of hearing anything back from this are very low. I think you already know that. But if you're intent on going for a "last chance" effort, I think this would be the only appropriate strategy.

[Simon Phoenix]

Yeah, I was afraid that was probably the answer.

 

Yeah, it's a crappy answer, but if there was any interest at all about getting back in touch in any way she'd have responded or given you some sort of feedback to encourage your attempts. The fact that she hasn't responded multiple times is a death knell.

 

I wouldn't even write a letter to her. Unfortunately this has been done for her for a while. It's time to close that chapter and move forward.

[swang]

I think it's not a bad idea to give it one last shot just to get it out of the way. You really don't have anything to lose, and you probably don't want to live with the what ifs.