4 years after discovery

[Bigdaddyone]

My wife wants to renew our vows now. Four years after she had an affair with a lesbian whom was also married ( to another woman) which they were on the verge of running off together. We have struggled the last 4 years. Her affair had no boundaries. They had fallen in love too and she had to decide btween her family, 3 children, and her lover. It has destroyed me emotionally and I feel mostly dead inside. After discovery I read email discussions about a fantasy of me dying in a car wreck so they could be together and raise my kids as a family without having to go through divorce and custody hearings. It has damaged our family and I fear long term affect on kids. Two of them were fully aware of what was going on. As they were pretending they were a family while I was working. Taking the kids to this and that event. What actually put an end to the affair was a letter my son wrote my wife asking her to stop. That devastated her. Up till that point all she cared about was the thrill she was getting and and screw everyone else.

She has never shown remorse and has only apologized in the heat of an argument. There has never been an actual heart felt apology from her.

Her wedding ring, a symbol of our unity was the basis for an excuse for their first sexual encounter. The ring was at the jeweler and her "friend" from work was going along to get it. That's when they were first alone and could act on feelings they had developed for each other at work.

She wants to use that same ring for renewing our vows. I feel it's tainted by her actions and not hardly symbolic of our love. I don't know how much I trust her to not do this all over again! Can I trust her to not put us through this again?

I know cheating is like a drug and that why the term once a cheater alwYs a cheater, its no different than any addiction that gives you a thrill.

[Satu]

I sympathise with your pain.

 

It doesn't sound like there's been enough/any healing after the affair.

 

No remorse makes that healing close to impossible.

 

How can you forgive, if there's no remorse?

 

If you haven't been through couple's counselling, I think you should. If you have, return to it.

 

Does your wife honestly understand how much pain her affair caused?

 

Maybe she wants to renew your vows so that she can feel better.

 

What do you need, so that you can feel better?

 

 

Take care.

[preraph]

Does she feel like being a lesbian is her true calling? Or does she consider herself bi or what? I bring this up because it does take forever for some people to work up the courage to come out. Then when they do, it's like you can't put a cork back in that bottle and shouldn't try to.

 

But for others, maybe they are experimenting and it's a one-time thing. It sounds a bit more serious than that.

 

You can't fault someone for finally finding themself, if that is what she has done, but you can fault them for doing it at your expense, secretly, when they should have made a clean break before they went out on their own. But see, the kids are holding her back, which honestly, she shouldn't let them do. They aren't old enough to make those decisions.

 

Bottom line where you are concerned is you should not renew your vows. Just tell her no, you're not feeling it. If she wants to get into the whole thing with you, then tell her what you've told us. Tell her that like her, you're staying for the kids, but that your issues with trust will most likely remain. She's trying to ice over this. You can't do that.

[Bigdaddyone]

I don't think she's gay. She's prob Bi. If she is what has to happen to get her to just come out. She was going through a transformation at the time. She had very crooked teeth and got braces and she was still carrying around quite a bit of extra weight from pregnancy and she had lost it. Her lover was with her at work most every day and she smothered her with compliments about how good she was looking with her new look. And she did look great. I figured lots of guys would be taking second looks. I even knew her friend. But I also knew she was happily married. She called me and harrassed me repeatedly when she was trying to keep ahold of my wife. We did see an MC and that turned into a it was my fault she cheated thing. Even the counselor was blaming me. I'm sure that I played some fault to the extent that she found someone else's compliments so appealing. But in my mind the decision to have an affair is a choice the one makes. A selfish choice at that. The destruction it causes is irreversible. To feel as if it's no big deal. It happened it's over move on with your life. Which she has said is purely selfish. The only person in our family that knows is my mother inlaw. Like I want anyone to know what happened. Gramma has cut all contact with us ever since. She contacts her grandkids on birthdays and holidays and that about it. No one else knows and my wife has already been telling family we are renewing our vows. I feel like I'm getting led into the bears den wearing a steak necklace.

[whichwayisup]

My wife wants to renew our vows now. Four years after she had an affair with a lesbian whom was also married ( to another woman) which they were on the verge of running off together. We have struggled the last 4 years. Her affair had no boundaries. They had fallen in love too and she had to decide btween her family, 3 children, and her lover. It has destroyed me emotionally and I feel mostly dead inside. After discovery I read email discussions about a fantasy of me dying in a car wreck so they could be together and raise my kids as a family without having to go through divorce and custody hearings. It has damaged our family and I fear long term affect on kids. Two of them were fully aware of what was going on. As they were pretending they were a family while I was working. Taking the kids to this and that event. What actually put an end to the affair was a letter my son wrote my wife asking her to stop. That devastated her. Up till that point all she cared about was the thrill she was getting and and screw everyone else.

She has never shown remorse and has only apologized in the heat of an argument. There has never been an actual heart felt apology from her.

Her wedding ring, a symbol of our unity was the basis for an excuse for their first sexual encounter. The ring was at the jeweler and her "friend" from work was going along to get it. That's when they were first alone and could act on feelings they had developed for each other at work.

She wants to use that same ring for renewing our vows. I feel it's tainted by her actions and not hardly symbolic of our love. I don't know how much I trust her to not do this all over again! Can I trust her to not put us through this again?

I know cheating is like a drug and that why the term once a cheater alwYs a cheater, its no different than any addiction that gives you a thrill.

 

Fact that she isn't and hasn't genuinely apologized for her selfish choices or how deeply she hurt and betrayed her, there's no point in renewing your vows. Now is sooo not the time to do this. Marriage counseling has to happen and she has to show you she's worthy of renewing vows to you and meaning every word. Showing you that she is working on herself and never ever letting another person get in the way of your marriage.

 

Reading those emails have done damage, to say the things she said, to hope and make plans like that is beyond devastating.

 

I feel for your children, she did this not you! Yet you're stuck because he begged her to come home.....

 

Start slow and work with her (ONLY IF she willing 100 percent), day by day and see how it goes before making a commitment to say vows to one another.

[whichwayisup]

I don't think she's gay. She's prob Bi. If she is what has to happen to get her to just come out. She was going through a transformation at the time. She had very crooked teeth and got braces and she was still carrying around quite a bit of extra weight from pregnancy and she had lost it. Her lover was with her at work most every day and she smothered her with compliments about how good she was looking with her new look. And she did look great. I figured lots of guys would be taking second looks. I even knew her friend. But I also knew she was happily married. She called me and harrassed me repeatedly when she was trying to keep ahold of my wife. We did see an MC and that turned into a it was my fault she cheated thing. Even the counselor was blaming me. I'm sure that I played some fault to the extent that she found someone else's compliments so appealing. But in my mind the decision to have an affair is a choice the one makes. A selfish choice at that. The destruction it causes is irreversible. To feel as if it's no big deal. It happened it's over move on with your life. Which she has said is purely selfish. The only person in our family that knows is my mother inlaw. Like I want anyone to know what happened. Gramma has cut all contact with us ever since. She contacts her grandkids on birthdays and holidays and that about it. No one else knows and my wife has already been telling family we are renewing our vows. I feel like I'm getting led into the bears den wearing a steak necklace.

 

That marriage counselor was wrong. He/she crossed the line and picked sides and in fact did more damage than good. Find another one if you plan on continuing counseling with your wife.

 

Did the OW's partner find out about the affair?

 

Stand up and be firm. Maybe it's time to let the others know in your family what has happened and that you are taking time to see if the marriage is actually fixable. Your wife is spinning this and making you the bad guy when you're NOT the bad guy at all.

[Bigdaddyone]

Yes th OW spouse did find out and they separated. Unfortunately that just gave her more time to harass me with phone calls of threats of taking my wife and sexual things they did together all over in my house. More details than you would ever want to know about someone's affair. She would borrow cell phones from friends for just a quick call so I wouldn't know the number. We moved and she showed up at my house. But of course she only knew where we were because my wife told her. We lost several real good Freinds after I found out that they were passing messages to each other through them. It was like two horny little school kids. She called me one time and told me that her biggest challenge was to seduce and turn a straight woman into a lesbian. It truly was a horrible experience. I have friends that are gay/lesbian I have no issues with it but married is married.

[whichwayisup]

That is disgusting, I can't imagine another person doing that intentionally just to play a game and hurt you, throw the A in your face like that.

 

So, any other thoughts to my replies to you?

 

Really take the time to think about if your wife is worth fighting for. I know your kids are factored into this but ask yourself if they will be witnessing two loving parents who get along and have love/respect for one another working together and making a happy healthy home or would it be best to do family counseling and learn how to adjust in two homes with parents who are better off apart.

 

Would you go to counseling on your own? (obviously not the one you used before, she/he was awful!)

[angel.eyes]

What a nightmare! Why did you stay? Did you ever consider separating?

 

Your wife is showing zero regard for your feelings and the impact her poor choices have had on you. Based on what you describe, I'm questioning whether she respects you. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.

 

Is she still in contact with her affair partner? Has she switched jobs? Have there been any consequences for her, other than the affair ending?

[Bigdaddyone]

This is hard to talk about. But I appreciate your support. My wife no longer has contact with the OW. She had to change jobs, We had to move to a different city. We had to sell our home which was good and bad. There was nowhere on our property that they didn't violate so I wanted it gone. Bad part is that our house was our dream house. It had everything that we wanted. We took a financial hit that you can't be prepare for. We have not recovered financially and are now renting.

I actually asked her if I died do you think you would seek out a man or a woman to move on with? At first she said I don't know prob a man and then said no not a woman. I don't know who I was when this all occurred. I asked what she meant. She said I don't know who I was when I had the affair. I really don't understand it myself. I asked her if she might be gay and just haven't realized it yet. She says no she's not gay. I told her that if she is gay she needs to figure it out and move on. Especially if that's what will make her happy. I don't want to go on for 10 more years and then she decide she's gay. I told her straight up that we would Both be better off to move on now. She says she is not gay and then twisted it around to if I don't want to be with her then I should just say so.

I knew where she was going to go with it so I promptly changed the subject before it turned ugly. It was actually a good calm discussion up till that point.

I asked her if we could see a counselor and she agreed as long as I line it up.

I plan to get something lined up so we can either improve our relationship.

The advise I've gotten from you all makes sense to me and I am trying to filter it and use it.

[Eaglescout88]

Hello, I read your OP and FO's and have some thoughts. First, I want to tell you how sorry I am that you are in this situation.Next, I am one to always advise married couples to stay together and work things out, even when one or both have had an issue with an extramarital affair. That written, in this situation I can feel your pain in every post and I get a sense that it will be extremely difficult for you to ever trust your wife again. The only way that I see your marriage surviving is through intensive marriage counseling. It may require a retreat-type setting rather than once or twice per week in an office.

Edited March 20, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Link and advertising plug redacted

[loveiswar101]

I cry at many a thread and this one is no different. My friend if I can call you that, I feel it really comes down to you and deep down what you want. I was on the back end of an affair which destroyed my marriage and me. I was a lost soul for many many a year after.

 

It came down to I wanted to try and she at first said she did but as we tried she fed me what I wanted to here. I had on my rosey tinted glasses to start and believed everything. Until the day came she told me she had still been seeing the guy. That probably was the best thing in all as I knew! Could move on.

 

Reading yours I'm in to minds. On one side you have moved changed cities and jobs even though this has brought you financial stress...but in another a fresh start if you want it

 

But on the other side and sticks a thorn in all of this is that she has told you to sort the MC. It takes to to tango the seed will not grow without soil and water. Your marriage is the seed and needs both to grow it. I think you need to determine 100% she wants this seed to grow.

 

Best wishes

[deckard11]

You're still with this woman? Dude, get a divorce.

[Popsicle]

Why did you stay with this woman?