Boyfriend's going to live with a girl he used to like a lot

[aQQa]

My boyfriend recently informed me that he's going to be living with another girl next year (we're in college). He said his mom and the girl's mom signed a lease for them to live together since they're all good friends. He asked if I had a problem with him living with another girl by themselves, and I said no it's not a problem; they're just going to be roommates and I trust him.

 

This morning, he decided to be honest and told me more about the girl. The girl was his childhood friend and he really liked her, and apparently it wasn't just a small crush. The only factor that prevented him from pursuing her was the one-hour distance away. He didn't say whether she liked him back or not.

 

At first, I wasn't bothered by it. He chose to date me after all, and that was a thing of the past. But as the day went on, it was lingering in the back of my mind, and I started to wonder if his feelings would come back when they begin to live together. I checked her Facebook and saw that he liked her selfie that was posted just yesterday, along with the following pictures, and that made me a little more wary.

 

He also said something odd as well. When he was telling me about the girl this morning, we were winding down after an argument about a separate topic. He said living with her could be an issue because he will of course see her more often than me, and there's a slight "temptation." He swears he would never cheat, but that "things may change in the future, who knows?" I assume he means if we were to argue again and I push him away, he might redevelop feelings for her? I'm honestly confused.

 

Am I overreacting? Is it worth it to discuss about it? This doesn't infuriate me, but I can't deny that I'm bothered by it. It's just the fact that he used to have strong feelings for her and now they're going to live together. Thanks for taking your time to read my post.

[Poutrew]

No you are not overreacting. Those little things that are now happening are just going to be the beginning of the Tsunami of turbulence about to enter into your life. And the sad thing about it is that you are always going to be the last to know what's up. I mean, the thing to really consider is that both their moms have gotten together and have apparently made a deal to set up their kids. This is effing huge! Your BF also seems maybe a bit too excited as well.

 

To save yourself the grief, you need to break up with your BF, because he is no longer yours. You can tell him that you are glad he recognizes that there will be future temptation and that you are also considering bunking with a man and, well, there always exists the temptation something could happen, right? So, "Let's just agree to be friends, OK?" Then walk out of this miserable situation before you get even more badly hurt.

 

When not only the kids, but the moms are against you, you aren't gonna come out the winner...

 

One thing I forgot to add is if he complains that the moms already made the deal and signed the lease and too much money will be lost, just tell him that since the moms signed the lease, the moms can live together!

Edited March 14, 2016 by Poutrew

[CarrieT]

Let him go now.

 

He's already worried about the temptation. It *will* be an issue that is best dealt with now. END IT before he cheats ('cuz he will.)

[Methodical]

He also said something odd as well. When he was telling me about the girl this morning, we were winding down after an argument about a separate topic. He said living with her could be an issue because he will of course see her more often than me, and there's a slight "temptation." He swears he would never cheat, but that "things may change in the future, who knows?" I assume he means if we were to argue again and I push him away, he might redevelop feelings for her? I'm honestly confused.

 

Sounds like he is foreshadowing so that you won't be blindsided when the end comes.

[aussietigerwolf]

Next! As soon as he said that things could change in the future is the point I would have broken up with him and wished him well with the new girl.

[SunnyWeather]

I'm with the others plus: how come his mother is still making such major decisions for him? He framed it (or the way you've told the story) in such a way that would leave one to believe he had no say in the process.

 

Do you believe that?

 

I don't know how invested you two are, but aside from the fact this is an old crush he's going to be shaking up with, I'd also be put off by how he lets his mommy still run his affairs (pun intended).

 

I"m sorry, but I don't know how you could find this situation tenable.

[aQQa]

Thanks for your thoughts and opinions, guys! Very appreciated.

 

So a little update: I decided to talk to him about it to lift it off my shoulders. He said he told me this not to make me feel insecure, but to be more true to my feelings. He's only pointing out that there's a potential issue because he doesn't know if he still has feelings for her, but he'll try his best to prevent that.

 

Perhaps the odds are against me (especially with the moms involved like Poutrew said), and maybe I will look like a fool in the end. But aside from this, I think he's pretty close to being The One. I know he's in a bad light in this situation, but I witnessed him changing drastically for me and he claims he has never had such strong feelings for a girl before. I would hate to break up with him and think, What if?

[SunnyWeather]

if he's 'the one' I hardly think he would put you through this. No, he would've put his foot down and told his mom to stop interfering in his life, and found another suitable roommate.

 

how long have you been together?

[aQQa]

I'm with the others plus: how come his mother is still making such major decisions for him? He framed it (or the way you've told the story) in such a way that would leave one to believe he had no say in the process.

 

Do you believe that?

 

I don't know how invested you two are, but aside from the fact this is an old crush he's going to be shaking up with, I'd also be put off by how he lets his mommy still run his affairs (pun intended).

 

I"m sorry, but I don't know how you could find this situation tenable.

 

I agree. I don't know why he didn't object to it if he thought it might be a potential issue. He's also a dependent so I guess that could be why.. I'm trying to not be the crazy overprotective girlfriend, but it's quite difficult.

 

 

if he's 'the one' I hardly think he would put you through this. No, he would've put his foot down and told his mom to stop interfering in his life, and found another suitable roommate.

 

how long have you been together?

 

We've been together for about a year now. Granted, it is a short time, but he treated me the best out of all my past relationships. It's mainly just this that's the biggest issue thus far.

Edited March 14, 2016 by aQQa

[SunnyWeather]

overprotective girlfriend

 

???

 

Or doormat? I'm seeing it more as you setting boundaries (or not) and deciding NOW what you are willing to put up with. I'd say you are setting a pretty low standard at this stage of the relationship.

[SunnyWeather]

I'm really sorry OP. You have to decide and act according to what you know is right for you.

 

"but he treated me the best out of all my past relationships"

 

Just because this guy has treated you better than all your other BFs doesn't necessarily mean that's a good thing, you understand?

[bathtub-row]

I agree with the others. You need to end this now. No guy would make such a stupid statement if he had solid feelings for you.

 

Now, guess what position this has put you in. Every time you argue or disagree with him, you're going to worry that he'll turn to her. Or you're going to be so afraid of crossing him, you'll just keep your mouth shut until you can't stand it anymore. No matter how you look at it, he has threatened you.

 

So, when things go south for the two of you, he'll say that he warned you.

 

And he would be right.

[lolablue17]

In a life of every couple there might be some temptetions for both sides. The question is what do you do to avoid falling to temptetions.

 

Your Bf could easily solve this problem with finding a different flat mate. He has the choise. But instead of doing that, HE CHOOSES to live with her and by that risking your relationship and making you insecure.

 

This is his choice. He is risking everything with open eyes and full awareness of the risks. You may think he is the one, but he probably doesn't feel you're the one for him. Otherwise he would have found a different guy\girl to share a flat with.

[elaine567]

YOU are trying your best to be the "adult" gf here but your bf has just dropped the H bomb on your relationship.

Of course he is going to sleep with her at some point, he has already told you that and there is not one thing you can do about it.

He is well aware that the two of them holed up in house together is going to spark his old feelings.

He, in fact may have been instrumental to the whole idea in the first place, I really doubt the parents just sprung it on their kids without consulting them.

 

Stick around if you want, but it is going to be torture for you and I doubt this situation will end well for you anyway.

People who are "the one", tend to want to smooth your path, not make life more difficult for you, like he is doing here.

 

...he doesn't know if he still has feelings for her

- He knows.

[ExpatInItaly]

Oh, hell no.

 

He is warning you that he could very well cheat on you with her, because he already knows he is very tempted by her. That says a lot about how much he values you and this relationship. He actually had the balls to say you "never know" and that he might give in to temptation. Those are not the words of a man in love with his woman.

 

Sorry, but this has disaster written all over it. You're not over-reacting. And I would not stick around and wait for him to cheat.

[ExpatInItaly]

YOU are trying your best to be the "adult" gf here but your bf has just dropped the H bomb on your relationship.

Of course he is going to sleep with her at some point, he has already told you that and there is not one thing you can do about it.

He is well aware that the two of them holed up in house together is going to spark his old feelings.

He, in fact may have been instrumental to the whole idea in the first place, I really doubt the parents just sprung it on their kids without consulting them.

 

Stick around if you want, but it is going to be torture for you and I doubt this situation will end well for you anyway.

People who are "the one", tend to want to smooth your path, not make life more difficult for you, like he is doing here.

 

- He knows.

 

I was about to comment on that too. I can't imagine he didn't already know about this before the lease was signed. He knew. He just didn't want to tell you until it was a done deal and you could do nothing to stop it, OP.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

Listen to the language he is using. Loyal boyfriends/girlfriends don't talk that way. He can't even hide his motives for moving in with her. He will sleep with her if given the opportunity, believe that.

 

I'm sorry I can't ease your fears, but you need to start trusting your instincts more because you do have good reason to worry. He is going to cheat. It is so obvious everyone can see it.

[bathtub-row]

Oh, hell no.

 

He is warning you that he could very well cheat on you with her, because he already knows he is very tempted by her. That says a lot about how much he values you and this relationship. He actually had the balls to say you "never know" and that he might give in to temptation. Those are not the words of a man in love with his woman.

 

Sorry, but this has disaster written all over it. You're not over-reacting. And I would not stick around and wait for him to cheat.

 

Yep. I think it's really a matter of whether the girl he's going to be living with would be tempted by him or not. That's most likely the deciding factor; the wild card. Not his devotion to his current gf.

[road]

Listen to the language he is using. Loyal boyfriends/girlfriends don't talk that way. He can't even hide his motives for moving in with her. He will sleep with her if given the opportunity, believe that.

 

I'm sorry I can't ease your fears, but you need to start trusting your instincts more because you do have good reason to worry. He is going to cheat. It is so obvious everyone can see it.

 

 

Also he is at least aware to know that long distance relationships do not last. He is going away to college for 4 years, living with the girl he has always had a crush on, with both mothers wanting to join their families together in marriage.

 

 

Your relationship is over.

[HereNorThere]

He's definitely dragging you through the mud and putting you through unnecessary emotional trauma, but he also sounds like a kid.

 

The funniest part is that even though he's had a crush on the girl, that doesn't mean she likes him back. I honestly doubt her parents would sign her up to live with a boy that she's attracted to. Add that in with the fact that she will be at University full of older, more established guys and there's no doubt your boyfriend will be in his room crying alone while some football player is laying in his crushes bed. I don't think he realizes what he is actually getting himself into.

 

Truthfully, long distance relationships rarely ever work and even when they do, most are not that fulfilling. This guy isn't the "one" because the one wouldn't do you this way. To be honest, this guy is being pretty damn cruel to you and I wouldn't take it. Can you imagine how he would feel if situation was completely reversed and you were living with some guy that you had a crush on?

 

It's going to be painful, but this relationship is over. He's a jerk and you deserve better. Hopefully in time you are able to see that.

[Try]

He's only pointing out that there's a potential issue because he doesn't know if he still has feelings for her, but he'll try his best to prevent that.

He is moving in to live with a girl where he said that "he doesn't know if he still has feelings for her" and you did not break up with him on the spot? Are you kidding me? Consider this. You are not married. If he does develop feeling for her, all he has to do is call you and break up with you just minutes before jumping in bed with her, and it would not be cheating. Also consider this. What are the odds of his Mom doing this without checking with him, and would she be doing this if she valued you as his girlfriend?

 

Dating is spending time with a member of the opposite sex that you could feasibly develop a romantic feelings for so that you can get to know them better. Many dates do not even involve kissing and most do not involve sex. With your boyfriend and the other woman, it is more than feasibly that they could develop a romantic relationship as they play house together. By living alone with this girl that he may already have "feelings for", it would be like dating on steroids.

 

If you allow this, you will lose almost for sure once she starts spending more time with him than you. Your best odds of saving this relationship is to be willing to end it. Tell him that it is either you or her and that he needs to decide right now. The longer that you allow this to develop the worse your odds get, as time is not on your side. If he picks her, then at least you went out with your self respect intact.

Edited March 16, 2016 by Try

[whichwayisup]

He also said something odd as well. When he was telling me about the girl this morning, we were winding down after an argument about a separate topic. He said living with her could be an issue because he will of course see her more often than me, and there's a slight "temptation." He swears he would never cheat, but that "things may change in the future, who knows?" I assume he means if we were to argue again and I push him away, he might redevelop feelings for her? I'm honestly confused.

 

HUGE red flag. Yes he was honest with you but he also just let you know in his own way that he is still into her and anything could happen.

 

He might put himself in a situation with her where something could happen, not intentionally but in the heat of the moment.

 

Hate to say it but end it with him.

[elaine567]

Where does it say it will be an LDR?

[sandylee1]

The moment he uttered those words "tempayoon".."you never know "... I'd be gone.

 

If she is in the slightest bit interested ... you've lost him. ...

 

How in the world would both mothers plan this without consulting them.. to the point that they haven't even seen where they will live. You mean the moms either saw the house in person or online.. made the required payments and then told them?

 

I'm sorry but I don't buy that for one moment... that's already a lie right there. Codswallop !

 

Your relationship is over... just face facts and end it before you have him cheat on you or dump you... it'll be much more painful then I guarantee you.

 

The fact that he's not sure if he still has feelings. .. translates to .... he does have feelings for her.

[road]

Where does it say it will be an LDR?

 

 

He's going away to school.