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Boyfriend's going to live with a girl he used to like a lot

aQQa

By aQQa
in Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy

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elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

Posted
Posted
He's going away to school.

 

That is not what the OP said, she said "we're in college" and he just announced he was going to be living with the girl next year in this place the parents arranged.

Nothing says he is going to be living miles away.

Try Established Member

Try

Posted
Posted
That is not what the OP said, she said "we're in college" and he just announced he was going to be living with the girl next year in this place the parents arranged.

Nothing says he is going to be living miles away.

If they are going to school together, and he and his family are more than OK with him moving in with this other woman, why did he not think to ask the OP to move in with him? The only thing that I can think of is that doing so would prevent him from fully exploring the feelings that he and the other woman have for each other.
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aQQa New Member

aQQa

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Hello everyone, thank you so much for your thoughts and concerns. I highly appreciate the time you took to respond to my issue.

 

To answer a few questions: no we're not doing a LDR. In fact, when he moves into the new apartment, we'll be neighbors. He did not ask me to live with him because my parents own the unit I currently live in.

 

Well this started to irritate me more and more; it's just unnecessary stress that only I have to deal with, so I confronted him. Apparently, this was arranged before I met him; his mom asked him and he said sure, why not? However, I did ask him why he didn't change his mind and say no. His response was their moms are close friends and they thought it'd be more convenient to have those two live together. They knew each other for a long time, after all. He didn't think it was a big deal; it is just a living arrangement. His feelings for me are much stronger and he is still going to spend more time with me anyway (which he does now).

 

I realized that the fears and insecurity are my problems, and no amount of control can force the other person to do what I want. Either way, I hope this will make me a stronger and better individual in the end. I gave him a chance and expressed my thoughts on boundaries (no getting too comfortable, spending too much time alone, etc). If everything goes smoothly and I am happy in the end, great. If not, next.

 

Once again, thanks for your understanding!

  • Like 1
mrldii Established Member

mrldii

Posted
Posted
...I know he's in a bad light in this situation, but I witnessed him changing drastically for me and he claims he has never had such strong feelings for a girl before...

 

Wait. What?

 

He's "never had such strong feelings for a girl before" (his words), but he doesn't know what will happen [to these feelings] with future "temptation" (again, his words)?

 

So the strongest feelings he's ever had for someone (that is you) might get overridden by even stronger feelings for someone else (this is someone who is NOT you)?

 

 

That is just about the best 'hedging of a bet' as I'VE ever seen, and I'm a pretty active gambler. Jus' sayin'.

  • Like 1
sandylee1 Established Member

sandylee1

Posted
Posted

Let us know how things are going once they've been living together for 6 months..

  • Like 1
whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

Posted
Posted

Nothing has changed except that he's quashed your worries for now. It doesn't erase what he said:

 

"living with her could be an issue because he will of course see her more often than me, and there's a slight "temptation." He swears he would never cheat, but that "things may change in the future, who knows?"

 

He is still putting his 'friend' above you.

  • Like 1
Try Established Member

Try

Posted
Posted
Apparently, this was arranged before I met him; his mom asked him and he said sure, why not? However, I did ask him why he didn't change his mind and say no. His response was their moms are close friends and they thought it'd be more convenient to have those two live together. They knew each other for a long time, after all. He didn't think it was a big deal; it is just a living arrangement.

QUESTION: If he knew about this so called arrangement from before you met him, why did he wait until after the mom's signed the lease to discuss it with you?

 

ANSWER: Because he wanted to do it and knew that if he gave you advanced notice that you might object, so he waited until it was a done deal. He could have stopped it if he wanted to, but he did not. End of story.

 

Also, his hiding behind the bull story that the mom's did it because it would be "more convenient" for them, does not make sense and it should piss you off that he is trying to play you for the fool on this.

  • Like 2
Cherryz Established Member

Cherryz

Posted
Posted

Do the mom know about you and him having a relationship.

If yes thats kind of a messy mom either way. I mean mostly moms dont want their kids to be with girls or ex sweethearts and so on so they wont get distracted and not finish school. BUt this mom planned it all for his son.........hmmm.

 

Either way i would say first work on your self esteem, know that you are worth more then this guy.

Beside he choose you. Or he is with you waiting for this girl to come along and closer..

This guy is just wasting your time.

I would punch him in the face and break up.)dont punch him( lol.

But it sound like he knew all this way before. But is wasting your time still .

 

Because he is basically telling you to go away. But he want you to do it yourself instead of him breaking up with you and tell you everything clearly.

He is just giving you hints of what he thinks gonna happen or feel that is gonna happen or plan to do.

Dont be naive, you put boy and girl toghater there can be something more happen then just freinds. Specially if they already like each other romantically.

 

If he cared for you, he would be mad about what his mom did, and talk to you about

how much he is looking for another place or at-least not liking it.

 

Hes not doing any of that. Break up with this guy. And move on. And dont give him any of your attention even if he try to contact you later on. He is not worth it!

Put your energy into your college and friends and family.

Cherryz Established Member

Cherryz

Posted
Posted
Thanks for your thoughts and opinions, guys! Very appreciated.

 

So a little update: I decided to talk to him about it to lift it off my shoulders. He said he told me this not to make me feel insecure, but to be more true to my feelings. He's only pointing out that there's a potential issue because he doesn't know if he still has feelings for her, but he'll try his best to prevent that.

 

Perhaps the odds are against me (especially with the moms involved like Poutrew said), and maybe I will look like a fool in the end. But aside from this, I think he's pretty close to being The One. I know he's in a bad light in this situation, but I witnessed him changing drastically for me and he claims he has never had such strong feelings for a girl before. I would hate to break up with him and think, What if? :(

 

How old are you if i may ask.

If you are the one for you, he would be telling you how he turned down his mom offer, and is mad about it.

And is looking for a other place to live.

 

Not every guy you kiss, or sleep with or tell you cute words love you.

 

Love gos toghater with respect.

This guy is not respecting you atall.

And it sound such a stupid story about his mom singing a lease for him without him being there atall and got surprised.

 

Stop let him fool you. He is just doing things the way he wanted.

And dont have the balls to break up with you becvause he know he is wrong.

He just hope you will get it yourself ad break up with him.

 

Choose for yourself. and break up with this idiot. Or get hurt and fooled some more.

  • Like 1
Scarlett.O'hara Established Member

Scarlett.O'hara

Posted
Posted
Hello everyone, thank you so much for your thoughts and concerns. I highly appreciate the time you took to respond to my issue.

 

To answer a few questions: no we're not doing a LDR. In fact, when he moves into the new apartment, we'll be neighbors. He did not ask me to live with him because my parents own the unit I currently live in.

 

Well this started to irritate me more and more; it's just unnecessary stress that only I have to deal with, so I confronted him. Apparently, this was arranged before I met him; his mom asked him and he said sure, why not? However, I did ask him why he didn't change his mind and say no. His response was their moms are close friends and they thought it'd be more convenient to have those two live together. They knew each other for a long time, after all. He didn't think it was a big deal; it is just a living arrangement. His feelings for me are much stronger and he is still going to spend more time with me anyway (which he does now).

 

I realized that the fears and insecurity are my problems, and no amount of control can force the other person to do what I want. Either way, I hope this will make me a stronger and better individual in the end. I gave him a chance and expressed my thoughts on boundaries (no getting too comfortable, spending too much time alone, etc). If everything goes smoothly and I am happy in the end, great. If not, next.

 

Once again, thanks for your understanding!

 

Your fears and insecurities are well founded. You are not being unreasonable for feeling this way.

 

Everyone who is replying is telling you this guy is not trustworthy and will cheat. What does that tell you? It isn't a matter of if but when.. He has basically admitted it.

 

You are worried about the unnecessary stress you have been dealing with now, just wait, it is going to get much worse. I hope for your sake that it doesn't impact on your education, while you are at home studying and wondering what he and his flatmate (crush) are doing in their apartment in the middle of the night, or why he isn't answering his phone.

 

Also, imagine trying to avoid them after a messy breakup if they start flaunting the fact they are together. That is just a taste of what you can expect.

 

It isn't often that you are given such an early indication that you are dating someone that will stray. You need to consider this very carefully.

 

You have been warned.

  • Like 1
kendahke Established Member

kendahke

Posted
Posted
Hello everyone, thank you so much for your thoughts and concerns. I highly appreciate the time you took to respond to my issue.

 

To answer a few questions: no we're not doing a LDR. In fact, when he moves into the new apartment, we'll be neighbors. He did not ask me to live with him because my parents own the unit I currently live in.

 

Well this started to irritate me more and more; it's just unnecessary stress that only I have to deal with, so I confronted him. Apparently, this was arranged before I met him; his mom asked him and he said sure, why not? However, I did ask him why he didn't change his mind and say no. His response was their moms are close friends and they thought it'd be more convenient to have those two live together. They knew each other for a long time, after all. He didn't think it was a big deal; it is just a living arrangement. His feelings for me are much stronger and he is still going to spend more time with me anyway (which he does now).

 

I realized that the fears and insecurity are my problems, and no amount of control can force the other person to do what I want. Either way, I hope this will make me a stronger and better individual in the end. I gave him a chance and expressed my thoughts on boundaries (no getting too comfortable, spending too much time alone, etc). If everything goes smoothly and I am happy in the end, great. If not, next.

 

Once again, thanks for your understanding!

 

So, why ask us if you are overreacting?

preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted

Well, because you were so easy going about it, he spilled the beans. He has a crush on this girl and she probably doesn't have one on him, but he's hoping. He's given you fair warning that if she likes him back, he's going for it. I think you should break up with him entirely so YOU can date other people while he's living with his big crush. You really can't let someone do that to you. It's asking too much. He lied about it at first and then confessed.

  • Like 1
preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted

P.S. If his mother thought you were "the one," she wouldn't be signing off on this.

kendahke Established Member

kendahke

Posted
Posted
QUESTION: If he knew about this so called arrangement from before you met him, why did he wait until after the mom's signed the lease to discuss it with you?

 

ANSWER: Because he wanted to do it and knew that if he gave you advanced notice that you might object, so he waited until it was a done deal. He could have stopped it if he wanted to, but he did not. End of story.

 

Also, his hiding behind the bull story that the mom's did it because it would be "more convenient" for them, does not make sense and it should piss you off that he is trying to play you for the fool on this.

 

OP--hate to say it, but your boyfriend is shady as eff.... If he knew this was afoot before he even met you, then why didn't he say something to you about it? He didn't because he was maneuvering you into a relationship by manipulating you.

 

At the end of the day, the two of them are going to be behind closed doors together, not you. Their moms are circling the wagons and you're on the outside.

 

If this guy treats you the best you've been treated, then sweetie, that's not saying much.

 

This isn't going to end well.

  • Like 1
kendahke Established Member

kendahke

Posted
Posted

I just ran this scenario down to my 20 yr old niece. I asked her what she would do and her response was "break up with him".

  • Like 2
SunnyWeather Established Member

SunnyWeather

Posted
Posted
I just ran this scenario down to my 20 yr old niece. I asked her what she would do and her response was "break up with him".

 

that plus OP will walk away with her dignity intact :cool:

 

look at this experience (of moving on before the proverbial S**-hits-the-fan) as a lesson/exercise in boundary-setting and self-esteem-building. With practice, you will be setting a tone for the rest of your life from which to live in a way that is true to your values and deepest ideals.

 

we are here to support you in this process!

  • Like 2
azureorb Member

azureorb

Posted
Posted

He's warning you that things may change in the future. He's redefining cheating as having sexual relations, but that's not required for 100% cheating.

 

If she was Ugly As Sin, he felt bad for her, wants her to date some of his real ugly friends -- would he have brought this up? Nope. Would he even want to be moving in with her? Not unless it was an emergency situation.

 

Their moms are friends, they would like them to get together -- and there may be a good chance they won't ride off in the sunset together. But he's dropping hints to Avoid Guilt if/when he breaks up with you due to her.

 

"Hey, I warned you -- you were OK with it," is his preparation. Don't fall for it. He likes her, he's going to live with her. Tell him he needs to either not move in with her, and not WANT to move in with her, or you're done with him. Period.

 

Your situation isn't a quagmire or all that difficult. It's very simple. It's just emotionally complicated because if you leave him, you'll feel "he wins". In a way, he does. But he's going to win WAY MORE if he's chasing her while going out with you, dragging you thru the mud (and finally breaks up with YOU after he porked her).

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