Almost 2 weeks of NC?...for no real reason.

[Sondering]

AP and I have sort of...drifted? Possibly fueled by him suddenly saying he can't "give me what I deserve". I actually got offended by that, for whatever reason and told him it wasn't necessary for him to have said that. My last post here was basically about how deep I'm getting into the A. I attempted to break things off and got sucked back in again after he concurred that his feelings were just as mutual (how he feels about me, wanting to say "I love you" as well, etc) Again, all of this was OK for him. I'm willing to be OK with what he can give. I've never asked for more and don't expect more. (He is not leaving his M, for kids, I am soon to be divorced, for reasons other than my A) I guess I feel hurt that he has not reached out to me. FWIW, I haven't either... We normally talk everyday. Maybe he's having second thoughts? Guilt? Or I'm just not "filling the void" for him anymore even though he swears that will never happen. Pretty lost. Thanks for reading.

[Popsicle]

It's because he saw that you were getting divorced (or seriously considering it) and he is NOT getting divorced. And he knew that you deserved and would (or should) want a real relationship, which he can not give you. Plus, having an affair just makes you feel yuck, even amongst all the good feelings. He probably wanted to end the complications for everyone.

[Sondering]

As pathetic as it sounds, I just want him. I'm in no way ready for a "real" relationship and probably won't be for a long time. If he wants to end it I just wish he would. He has always said he never would unless I was acting crazy or something. But yes to the YUCK feelings! Ugh.

[Popsicle]

As pathetic as it sounds, I just want him. I'm in no way ready for a "real" relationship and probably won't be for a long time. If he wants to end it I just wish he would. He has always said he never would unless I was acting crazy or something. But yes to the YUCK feelings! Ugh.

 

Sometimes people make decisions for you that they think are best for you....

 

And I thought he did end it?????

[Sondering]

There was no cut and dry end to our A. I should have clarified. I asked if he wanted to attend an event, didn't realize it was on a weekend (we don't see each other on weekends). I did not make a big deal of it and just dropped it but he went on about how eventually I will realize I deserve better and he can't give me what I deserve...after that, there has been no contact. I know he may want what's best for me but I've told him what I want. I think that's the frustrating part.

[Popsicle]

There was no cut and dry end to our A. I should have clarified. I asked if he wanted to attend an event, didn't realize it was on a weekend (we don't see each other on weekends). I did not make a big deal of it and just dropped it but he went on about how eventually I will realize I deserve better and he can't give me what I deserve...after that, there has been no contact. I know he may want what's best for me but I've told him what I want. I think that's the frustrating part.

 

 

He is probably really upset about the whole situation and hurting too. Reality hit him like a runaway bus. And it sucks for both him and you.

 

I hope you know that he's right though? You have to let this go. Stay NC.

[Sondering]

I think he is right. But he deserves better, too. A wife who actually enjoys his company and doesn't take him for granted. Because, ****ty nature of affairs aside, he is a good person. Obviously I can't change his situation and somehow he is content to stay in it. Thank you Popsicle

[Popsicle]

I think he is right. But he deserves better, too. A wife who actually enjoys his company and doesn't take him for granted. Because, ****ty nature of affairs aside, he is a good person. Obviously I can't change his situation and somehow he is content to stay in it. Thank you Popsicle

 

You can not let that be your problem. That's his problem. Worry about yourself.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I think he is right. But he deserves better, too. A wife who actually enjoys his company and doesn't take him for granted. Because, ****ty nature of affairs aside, he is a good person. Obviously I can't change his situation and somehow he is content to stay in it. Thank you Popsicle

 

Don't worry bout what he deserves. Worry about you. He's crying on your shoulder. They all do this. Read the threads.

[Sassy Girl]

Truth? A single OW is a whole lot riskier than a married one. While you were married you both had the same amount to lose. Now you're getting divorced you changed the dynamic and he's got a lot more to lose. He thinks you could threaten his marriage. And he doesn't trust what you say about being cool with the status quo, because guess what? You cheated on your husband. You're untrustworthy.

 

So that's what happens. He's doing he fade away hoping you don't blow up his world.

[Poppy47]

Keep your diginity and just fade away.

 

I'm not sure he has thought ahead as far as when you get your divorce. Sounds like he has lost interest to me and probably you as well ???

 

Leave it alone and get on with your divorce, plans for the rest of your life , and your children.

 

He would have been in touch if he wanted to and could yet. Your task is not to reply.

 

Poppy.

[privategal]

As pathetic as it sounds, I just want him. I'm in no way ready for a "real" relationship and probably won't be for a long time. If he wants to end it I just wish he would. He has always said he never would unless I was acting crazy or something. But yes to the YUCK feelings! Ugh.

So that is truly insulting..."unless your acting crazy" that means if you be a good girl and accept things on MY terms and take my leftover time and whatever time I can sneak in and you make no complaints about my breadcrumbs and the crappy situation I have put you in, then you can stick around...but if you get out of line, its over.

Would you please consider it is better, much easier on your heart and self esteem to be the one who ended it. It hurts a million times worse when you are finally thrown out like trash and rejected and just cast aside. I hope you can end it, preferrably today, and mean it and be done and go dark...blocking everywhere. Every ow who has been jilted and dumped cold takes SO long to move on and feel better. You need to be the one. Its like the only last bit of power and control you have that could help you be ok is to say "I made the decion for MYSELF"

Its hard to end when you are in love but the pain coming is WAY worse then youbcan ever imagine when HE pulls the plug. End it now for you and dont look back. Spring is coming any day. So by the time summer comes you will be several weeks into NC and feeling so much better and free to live out your life on your terms and feeling pride that you are out of a horrible situation because you chose better.

[Gloria_Smellons]

When someone tells you that you deserve better than they can give you, believe it and move on.

[sandylee1]

Truth? A single OW is a whole lot riskier than a married one. While you were married you both had the same amount to lose. Now you're getting divorced you changed the dynamic and he's got a lot more to lose.

 

Very true.^^^^^^

 

One WH I supported said he never would have affairs with single women.. they must be married..so they have the same risk and so she doesn't start demanding more time /affection or try and push for him to leave the marriage or otherwise expose the affair.

[Satu]

You do deserve better, so go and get it.

 

Don't waste your time where better can't be found.

[jenkins95]

Hi Sondering, I really feel for what you are going through. I know it hurts and I know it's horrible. Hang in there and you will be OK.

 

......he deserves better, too. A wife who actually enjoys his company and doesn't take him for granted......he is a good person.

 

Did he tell you that his wife doesn't appreciate him, doesn't enjoy his company and takes him for granted? You know this is kind of talk is a complete cliche right? Almost on a par with "my wife doesn't understand me". I was a cheating MM too, and I cringe to admit that I probably said that kind of cr** to my OW too whenever I wanted a bit of sympathy or to be made to feel special. It is also just as much of a cliche to tell you that he can't "give me what I deserve". This is a classic shifting tactic designed to make it look like he's thinking of you to shield the fact that he wants to back off because he's probably terrified at the prospect of a D-day or of losing her.

 

Even if you fell into NC without actually planning to, please, please, please stick to it. I promise you that it is your ticket to freedom because you deserve so much better than what he is offering you.

 

Frustration, uncertainty, false hope, stress, jealousy, pain, continual let-downs and disappointments lie ahead if you re-start the affair. Plus the knowledge that you could be jointly responsible for ruining a fellow woman's marriage. Freedom, happiness and recovery are near-certainties if you stick to NC - ride out the first couple of months of hell and it becomes easier. Do the right thing for you and for us - we love a success story on here!

 

Please don't contact him - come to us! We're here. I wish you nothing but the best.

Edited March 14, 2016 by jenkins95

[Sondering]

Thank you all for replying and reinforcing what I KNOW is right. It does truly hurt, already more than I imagined but I know it's best to move on on my own terms. MM has a picturesque life. I mean as close to "perfect" as one can get. It makes me think he was truly lacking something in his M to take the chance of risking it all. He has always been open that he and his W get along well, but they are just like roommates and co-parents, that he's not even sure if she likes him at all. I know that could also just be a line and I bought it. I don't think I have lost interest in the A but I'm in the place where it is much more pain than enjoyment. I know that pain could be much worse should this end badly so I consider myself lucky to have this chance to get out. I only hope I can be strong enough to follow through.

 

Jenkins95, THANK YOU for the exMM perspective!!!

[Satu]

Here's a clipping from an old journal of mine:

 

 

Learn to enjoy the ordinary.

 

Ordinary is good.

 

The intensity of affairs can be exciting, but they are something that happens on the periphery of the real. A big part of an affair is make believe, fantasy in motion; like living in a different dimension from everybody else.

 

Welcome back to the real world, where people are usually exactly what they appear to be.

 

Decompress.

 

 

Take care.

[jenkins95]

Hi Sonderling. You are doing really well! we are proud of you. As I just said on another thread, it is not usually my style to be so direct in my attacking of the MM, but in attacking the MM, I am attacking the old me, and therefore exorcising some of my own demons! So thanks for letting me help myself whilst hopefully supporting you

 

The early days of NC are sooooo difficult, and I know it feels like it will probably never feel better, but it will! Ride out the early difficult weeks and months and it will become easier and you will become free! As the MM, I am just up tot he 100 days of NC mark (just about to post a thread on the infidelity forum about it), and things are so much better! I wouldn't have believed it possible after 2 weeks.

 

Keep going, and please keep posting!

[Forceawakensme]

Hi Sonderling. You are doing really well! we are proud of you. As I just said on another thread, it is not usually my style to be so direct in my attacking of the MM, but in attacking the MM, I am attacking the old me, and therefore exorcising some of my own demons! So thanks for letting me help myself whilst hopefully supporting you

 

The early days of NC are sooooo difficult, and I know it feels like it will probably never feel better, but it will! Ride out the early difficult weeks and months and it will become easier and you will become free! As the MM, I am just up tot he 100 days of NC mark (just about to post a thread on the infidelity forum about it), and things are so much better! I wouldn't have believed it possible after 2 weeks.

 

Keep going, and please keep posting!

 

Jenkins, please dont stop this style! -- I find your honest MM perspective threads truly liberating.

 

I fell for all the cliches you listed above! --- In fact, some variation of 'she doesn't understand me' --was one i almost swallowed recently --- THANK you Jenkins!

 

Sonderling, im right there with you. Lets close the chapter on these A's and start to heal and feel good (eventually) again.

[jenkins95]

Jenkins, please dont stop this style! -- I find your honest MM perspective threads truly liberating.

 

I fell for all the cliches you listed above! --- In fact, some variation of 'she doesn't understand me' --was one i almost swallowed recently --- THANK you Jenkins!

 

Sonderling, im right there with you. Lets close the chapter on these A's and start to heal and feel good (eventually) again.

 

Thanks force! In that case, I'll carry on like this for a while! It's quite liberating for me too to be honest! It's like I am now starting to see the A version of me almost as though he was a different person.

 

I think you are both doing brilliantly and are being strong when I know deep down you feel anything but.

 

I know that Sonderling is going through a divorce and that must be awful in any circumstances. I totally get the desire to lean on MM during this horrible time when you need emotional support, but he really could, and probably would, end up doing you more harm than good, even if he didn't mean to. What you need now are stable, reliable friends who care for you without a selfish interest - possibly your best girlfriends? Please try to distance yourself from him Sonderling. His influence could be so toxic and damaging at a time in your life when you are so vulnerable and weak anyway. Don't let even more confusion, uncertainty and potential hurt into your life at this difficult time in your life.

 

You will get there - one day at a time, and you will be happy again. Keep posting

Edited March 14, 2016 by jenkins95

[Sondering]

You guys are awesome, seriously. I was really struggling with wanting to contact him, mostly because I'm offended he just dropped off. Instead I posted here and your comments backed me off the ledge. Force, yes!! We can do this! One day at a time

[MidnightBlue1980]

Hi Sonderling. You are doing really well! we are proud of you. As I just said on another thread, it is not usually my style to be so direct in my attacking of the MM, but in attacking the MM, I am attacking the old me, and therefore exorcising some of my own demons! So thanks for letting me help myself whilst hopefully supporting you

 

The early days of NC are sooooo difficult, and I know it feels like it will probably never feel better, but it will! Ride out the early difficult weeks and months and it will become easier and you will become free! As the MM, I am just up tot he 100 days of NC mark (just about to post a thread on the infidelity forum about it), and things are so much better! I wouldn't have believed it possible after 2 weeks.

 

Keep going, and please keep posting!

 

Hi Jenkins,

 

I find it interesting as you and Liam are the two most vocal men here and are so different. You seem to really love and miss your AP while he is honest about never loving her and only loving his wife. My husband is more like you so I believe you and know men like you exist, but I believe my AP is more like Liam, well not exactly a Liam appears to be honest and my AP appears to be a huge liar.

 

I'm not sure what is worse, a AP who lied about loving you and is still lying, or someone who really does love you but can't be with you. Both are really depressing.

 

So how do you do it? How do you rebuild your marriage while obviously being in love with someone else? I know you love your wife, as I love my H, so it's like there are 4 of us in our marriage, it is quite bizarre (counting OW). Do you think you will eventually just let go of OW?

[Lady2163]

I have a tendency to believe my XMM because he didn't specifically say, "my wife puts the kids before me and us." But would describe stories matter of factly.

 

He never said his sex life sucked, he would say things like, "It's different when you're married. It isn't as easy to get aroused when you don't think the other person is really wanting it."

 

Damn, I'm kind of stymied with giving solid details without revealing more than I want to. Usually I can camoflage things to slightly conceal identifying features.

 

But there were many examples he used that shocked me at how much she didn't celebrate them as a unit. He wasn't disparaging, just this was/is his life. I was able to witness some of this firsthand. From the things he said and the things I saw, I would not be happy in a similar marriage. I'd be on a message board complaining about neglect.

 

But I was with him because even though I was single, I didn't want the hassles of a real relationship. I was building my business and I was a workaholic. And I was recovering from three abusive relationships in a row. So, I do understand your mind set.

 

You're doing great. It will get better. You do deserve someone who doesn't make it all about him and his schedule. Give yourself some time to recover from your divorce and heal from user married man.

[Popsicle]

I tend to believe almost all married people, male or female, who say they are not having much sex.

 

That doesn't mean it's MY problem to help fix though. It's their problem.

 

I also believe that, at least half of the time, the complainer doesn't really want to have sex with their spouse either. They are just generally complaining about not having fulfilling sex life and want to be blameless in the matter.