In a tough spot

[Jedimeisterj]

I never thought I'd be turning to an Internet forum for advice but I don't really know where else to go. So let's start with the details.

I'm an American who moved to Germany for my wife. And I'm having the hardest time finding the motivation to learn german and really assimilate( I'll elaborate later on). I'm having such strong feelings of anxiety and sadness because my wife is the most unloving person I know.

So from the beginning.

We met online.

And we had hit it off right away. She was an au pair from Germany. We fell in love almost immediately. She had some problems with her host family. So she had to return back to Germany'. I didn't want to let her go. And I knew I wanted to marry her. I just hadn't planned on it so soon. So I asked her to marry me and she said yes. Then we made the decision to do a grueling 9 months away from each other for the marriage visa. I got to see her twice during that time. We were so in love. I would have done anything for her.

 

 

When she got to America and we got married it was amazing. We were passionate. We had sex almost every night. She always had some weird relationship with sex though. She always was very standoffish to the idea but at the beginning she never let it bother her. So after a few months of me working and her working at a kindergarten that she didn't like things started to deteriorate. She always had to have the upper hand. Always had to correct me. She always sorta blamed me for making her move to America ( not JUST my idea. ) she was always worried about money( we had plenty but never enough for her to have a huge shopping spree on a whim. ) never enough to just go back to Germany when we wanted. So after fighting and her being miserable we decided it would be best to move to Germany.

I really thought it would help. I thought she would snap out of this zombie unloving mode. No love. Never compliments. Never ANY type of physical touch or affection.

I really thought she would change in Germany.

 

 

So we moved. And it just got worse.

It honestly is easier in Germany. Not as much rent. Cars are cheaper. We can essentially have a comfortable life off of one salary.i knew I'd have to learn German and really try to become part of the system.

But it just got worse. I've been here for almost a year and a half and we've had sex 4 times. And every time it's been begging. Like a child for iced cream. When we wake up in the morning she just rolls over and puts her phone in her face. No good morning or kiss. And also when we go to bed. She just rolls over and puts her phone in her face. And when I try and bring up the topic of sex she just puts up a wall. Doesn't want to talk about it. Just ignores me.

We had one really long conversation once about us. I know that so far this story makes me look like I've done nothing wrong. But she had said that I never include myself in bills or always Let her take care of things with out caring. Which is sort of true. But only because I'm struggling with the language. In America I took care of every thing and she was in my position. Never helped with anything. But now that we're here I need her to make doctor appointments and such. And she is so reluctant to do so. It makes me feel helpless.

 

 

So now I'm sitting here writing this hoping someone can shed some light on my situation. What should I do. I love the person she was. But not this unloving tyrant she's become. I want so hard to stay but in my heart I feel like I can't change her. I shouldn't have to. I know people grow on relationships but it feels like she went the other way.

 

 

Thanks for reading.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I couldn't live like that. Where is the happiness and joy in your life? It all sounds so bleak.

 

Talk to her about how you are feeling and see if you can improve things, if not, pack your bags, go home, file for divorce.

[Satu]

Any English speaker should be able learn passable German in less than year. It's not a difficult language. The spelling and grammar are very straightforward.

 

So why haven't you made the effort?

 

You'll never feel at home in Germany until you do.

 

Separate issue:

 

Why do you think your wife has grown so cold?

[Jedimeisterj]

I attend Sprache Schule twice a week. And also have a few friends who help me out. I am passible in basic German. Not the point. I attend Berufsschüle as well but that doesn't change the fact that my wife refuses to talk to me about our sex life. I've tried flowers. I've tried massages. ( she doesn't like being touched at all) love letters. I've even written her a few songs on my guitar. I have no idea what's wrong with my wife. So the effort is being made. And I don't think I'll ever feel at home here because the person who I'm supposed to feel at home with doesn't make me feel comfortable to be here.

[66Charger]

You have no idea whats wrong with your wife?

 

She doesn't love you.

 

Stop trying to read braille. Book a flight.

[Mr. Lucky]

We met online.

And we had hit it off right away. She was an au pair from Germany. We fell in love almost immediately. She had some problems with her host family. So she had to return back to Germany'. I didn't want to let her go. And I knew I wanted to marry her. I just hadn't planned on it so soon. So I asked her to marry me and she said yes.

 

When in this timeline did you meet IRL? And how long from that meeting until you proposed?

 

Mr. Lucky

[loveboid]

I'm afraid whatever she married you for she got it and doesn't need you anymore. I would divorce her.

 

The problem with dating a foreigner is it's harder to see red flags due to cultural barriers.

[Brady375]

Buddy u only saw her twice over a long period of time yet you were "so in love"? When you started seeing her consistently everything was Great and you both were all about one another. This isn't so in love but so Infatuated w eachother. More specifically more infatuated w the IDEA of eachother.

 

You both had an idea of the other person and an idea of what you wanted ur lives to be like. You both I think maybe only knew eachothers Representative. Meaning when you first meet someone you aren't meeting the Real them w all the rough edges. Your meeting their representative that always puts their best foot forward. Now after getting married the Realitiy of real Life is setting in and you two are starting to see the real person and how that real person is reacting to their life.

 

That's my take. What to do? That's up to you man. Listen to your gut. You guys may not be marriage compatible which is different then dating compatible. The expectations and pressures are different. It's like going from JV to Varsity in sports or from amature to the pro level.

[sandylee1]

Have you considered she might be having an affair?

You need to talk to her again..... tell her you're not happy and you need things to change.

 

Comment on her coldness and lack of affection and sex. Give a timeline for things to improve in your own mind... if there's no improvement... tell her you want a divorce and go back to the USA.

 

Life's too short for misery. You need to find happiness for yourself and it's not going to be with her.

[Jedimeisterj]

We dated for a year before proposing. And we had lived together for almost 6 months before she left to go back to Germany to wait for the k1 visa. So she wasn't using me for a green card she's already surrendered that. And I don't think she's having an affair. She's far too lazy for that. She usually come straight home from work and if she does go out its with her one friend to sew or something. Which they usually document on Facebook. So that's not a worry. But I think the comment about falling in love with the idea of each other was the problem. After we got married and we had real things to worry about like money and health insurance she essentially turned into another person. So now when we're at home together it feels like we're roommates instead of husband and wife. And as for the talk about her being cold and unloving just Results in "the wall" as I call it. She says and does nothing. She just lays in bed and ignores me. She says " what do you want me to do". That's her answer for everything. I've asked her maybe we could go to counciling. She said no. So now I just wake up. Go to a job I hate ( also because speaking with people is still not the strongest for me ). I come home and get almost ignored from my wife. So yea I'm leaning more towards leaving but something in me wants to try and salvage this. But if it comes to it I know I need to leave. I just need to find the courage. And money :/ moving at least some of my **** back will be expensive. I'm just really dreading the restarting of my life again.

[oldshirt]

I really don't think this has anything to do with languages or money or where you live, I think you two are simply incompatible and your relationship has ran it's course.

 

She may have had an initial attraction for you but that has run it's course and she simply no longer has any loving or sexy feelings for you.

 

I think your options are suck it up and live the rest of your life in a cold, loveless roommate arraingemnet in a foreign land where you don't speak the language or fit in, Or pack it up, divorce and head back home.

 

Neither option will be without work or pain or expense, so it comes down to which will have the lesser long term pain and despair.

 

Whatever you do, DO NOT GET HER PREGNANT!!!!!!

 

Getting an international divorce with minor children involved will be a nightmare.

 

Getting a divorce now will be an inconvenience and a bit expensive. Getting a divorce and living in different continents with different citizen ships with minor children will be darn near incomprehensible. Even though you miss sex and wish things were different, it is a blessing you are no longer sexually active.

 

When she catches wind you may be filing for divorce/leaving, she may become hyper sexual and tear into you like a porn star - DONT FALL FOR IT!!!! It is a trap! Do not risk her getting pregnant. Protect your sperm and DNA.

[Satu]

It sounds like its well and truly over.

 

Sorry to say it.

[Eaglescout88]

Hello, thank you for your post. I am so sorry that you are in this situation. Being in a marriage where you feel unloved is the pits, I can't imagine being in a foreign country where your language is not the primary language. One thing that you may want to read and try is The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to your Mate by Dr. Gary Chapman. This really helped me with my wife. Basically, each person has a dominant love language that they like receiving and one that they primarily give. The five languages are:

 

• Physical Touch
  
• Words of Affirmation
  
• Acts of Service
  
• Quality Time
  
• Receiving Gifts
  

 

The list is pretty self-explanatory, but what is important to note is that I may need physical touch, but my wife may primarily need acts of service. So the whole time I am touching her, thinking that I am expressing my love to her when all she wants is for me to help her around the house with the kids. Find her love language, and you will speak her language. Again, I am so sorry you are in this situation. I will be thinking about you. Kind regards, Kevin

[sandylee1]

Before you commit to marry and spend the rest of your life with someone.. you should really know them quite well. I don't think you knew her well at all ..... but that doesn't mean you should remain in a marriage where your needs are not being met.

 

You've not got any kids... so you can make a clean break.

 

By the way people in affairs find the time to meet up.. they take the day off works for their sessions. You can't vouch unless your with her 24/7. I'm not saying she's definetly cheating... but never say never.

[AMarriedMan]

Goes from complete infatuation to treating you like ****, including always trying to control you, within a few months time. Impulsive shopping habit. Sounds like this woman has serious psychological problems. Whatever you do, DO NOT GET PREGNANT. This woman is not marriage material.

 

Cut your losses and run! Do not become like one of the sad stories here about men who've wasted their lives.

[Babs22]

We dated for a year before proposing. And we had lived together for almost 6 months before she left to go back to Germany to wait for the k1 visa. So she wasn't using me for a green card she's already surrendered that. And I don't think she's having an affair. She's far too lazy for that. She usually come straight home from work and if she does go out its with her one friend to sew or something. Which they usually document on Facebook. So that's not a worry. But I think the comment about falling in love with the idea of each other was the problem. After we got married and we had real things to worry about like money and health insurance she essentially turned into another person. So now when we're at home together it feels like we're roommates instead of husband and wife. And as for the talk about her being cold and unloving just Results in "the wall" as I call it. She says and does nothing. She just lays in bed and ignores me. She says " what do you want me to do". That's her answer for everything. I've asked her maybe we could go to counciling. She said no. So now I just wake up. Go to a job I hate ( also because speaking with people is still not the strongest for me ). I come home and get almost ignored from my wife. So yea I'm leaning more towards leaving but something in me wants to try and salvage this. But if it comes to it I know I need to leave. I just need to find the courage. And money :/ moving at least some of my **** back will be expensive. I'm just really dreading the restarting of my life again.

 

You are dreading the restarting of your life? If I were you I would be dreading spending the rest of my life with a cold, heartless woman. I can think of nothing worse. I am sorry you found yourself in this place. You did not sign up for this and although it is not fair, unless you do want to spend the rest of your life with someone who does not want sex and will ignore you, I suggest the sooner you restart your life, the sooner you will find a life worth living. Good luck!