Why does it seem like my boyfriend is making excuses to marry me?

March 14, 2016

Me and my boyfriend have known each other since I was 13 years old and I'm turning 19 in a few months. I have always known that I loved him and honestly it was basically love at first sight for both of us. We had dated on and on before but now we have been dating for a while and its actually going steady and we even have been living together since we got back together this time. We only had broken up the past times because of stress and life issues and all so we have never really had problems. But I know 100% that I want to marry him and some day create a family with him. But he keeps saying he isn't ready and honestly I don't understand why because we are both financially secure and we know literally everything about each other and we are good with talking out our feelings and arguments. I have been getting really tired of waiting around and told him that I won't wait around forever and if he waits too long then I could possibly start to lose interest eventually. He told me that if I can lose interest before he proposes then maybe he shouldn't even marry me at all because if you love somebody and want to marry them you won't ever lose interest. And I just don't believe that I need opinions.

March 14, 2016

You're 18 and you 'can't wait around forever?

How long have you actually been together? Knowing each other since you were children doesn't count. How many years have you been together, exclusive, since you broke up due to 'stress and life issues'?

You come across as very immature, OP. To be still a teenager and trying to manipulate your boyfriend into marrying you (saying 'I won't wait around forever and I may lose interest' IS manipulation) when he clearly isn't ready is crazy. He sounds sensible, that he'd prefer to break up than to marry you under duress. Do you really want a husband who had to be cajoled and threatened into marriage?

Honestly at 18 if you've already broken up before over life stressors rather than faced them together as a team, you have no business legally getting wed. I'd recommend you wait until you're AT LEAST 25. If the relationship is a good one then surely being with each other is the prize, with marriage the cherry on top. It comes across like you just want to marry young and to hell with the other person's feelings on the issue. I feel you have a lot of growing into a more mature and selfless young woman to do before you're ready to get married.

If you want to lose your boyfriend, keep going.

March 14, 2016

I don't understand why kids want to rush into this. You thought high-school was hard? Wait for college. You think that was hard? Try raising a kid or two. Marriage? Pffft, makes all those look like a cake walk!! It's freakin hard work!! It's not sunshine and daffodils like college and highschool, and kid life. Enjoy your young life and use it as a learning experience to find out who you are and what you really want. Grow as an individual. Marriage can be on your mind, it is rather dreamy and satisfying after all. But your marriage will only be dreamy and satisfying (albeit with some hell and hard work thrown in) if you are mature enough to handle all that it will throw at you, which you are clearly not at this stage of your life. Grow. Become who you are. Enjoy young adult life. Set your career goals in place, and work towards those.

Good luck pressuring a 19 year old kid into marriage. If I were your BF, I would break it off. Too young to get that kind of pressure.

March 14, 2016

Slow down! At 18, unless you are a Kardashian you are NOT financially secure. Have you even started college yet? If not, do that first. Then pay off the student loans. Have fun with your friends. At 18, your boyfriend SHOULDN'T be ready to get married yet...and that's ok! He's not making excuses. Marriage is a huge deal, so listen to him when he says he's not ready and know he's not just making excuses. And if you keep nagging him, he's going to dump you.

Just so you know I'm not just blowing smoke out my butt, I got married in my early 20's to my high school sweetheart after living together for several years and we're in our late 30's now. Most of my friends that got married right out of high school are on their 2nd-4th spouse now.

March 14, 2016

The three stages of life are :

-Learning .

-Suffering .

-Expressing .

The best period to get married is at the end of suffering ...

At learning stage , if you get married , you will suffer more .

Enjoy your age now , go to college ; if your BF is not accepting to marry you though you beleieve you love each other I respect him , because he is using his mind ...

learn more to suffer less, and get married only when you are mature enough ...

best

March 14, 2016

You can't make another person want to marry you. You can't make another person want anything, actually.

There are many people with whom you could be compatible physically and emotionally, but the key is to find someone who is at the same stage of life and wanting the same things. If marriage is important to you right now, then you should break up with him and find someone ready to settle down.

Now, if you were twice your age and he kept saying he wasn't ready, then I'd say, "Girlfriend, he's just not that into you." (Watch the movie When Harry Met Sally and note Meg Ryan's reaction when her character's ex-boyfriend gets engaged really quickly to someone new.) But you guys are so young that I'd be surprised if he did want to get married.

I was ready to get engaged and married sooner than my husband, but I knew not to push him. I knew I didn't want a man who had to be pushed into wanting me. And we were young -- I was almost 24 when we got engaged and 24.5 when we got married. When it came to having kids, he was ready before I was. I remember thinking I'd be ready once I turned 28.5 but I wasn't. A few months later, I resolved those issues and was ready. In each case, the person who was ready waited for the person who wasn't because we understood that if you're not ready, then you're just not ready.

At a certain point, if you've been together for years and years and years and the person still isn't ready, then I'd evaluate if it's a question of "if" and not of "when." You're never obligated to wait. You can decide it's a deal-breaker. But you can't force him to make a deal he doesn't want to make.

March 14, 2016

Damn it !

I wish we had LS at our time !

March 14, 2016

Your bf is absolutely correct in not wanting to marry now. He is way too young and so are you. He has to live his life a bit before he marries anyone and yes that includes dating other people. He will feel deprived if he marries now without experiencing other women and life as a young man.

March 14, 2016

We only had broken up the past times because of stress and life issues and all so we have never really had problems.

If you think you've experienced "stress and life issues" during your high school years, wait til kids, careers and adulthood.

we are both financially secure

Financial security means you're debt-free, have liquid savings, retirement plan in place and have begun to accumulate substantial assets such as real estate, etc. It doesn't mean you've made it to head barista at your local Starbucks.

Congratulations on picking a BF with some common sense...

Mr. Lucky

March 14, 2016

. And I just don't believe that I need opinions.

I am sorry; I know this is not what you want to hear. A man who truly wants to marry will ask.

My Dad asked my Mom to marry when they were both 18 years old. He understood the responsibility and the promise marriage is and did not shrink from it because he loves my Mom.

My hubby asked me to marry him around a month after we started dating. Before this, he knew that I was dating him to see if I wanted to marry him. I wasn't dating for just a long term relationship. That was 4 years ago and his love for me is shown in how he treats me and honors our covenant that we made together.

My counsel is to kindly tell him that you want to get married and that you don't want to try to force him to marry you. My advice is to then to break up and not commit to anybody for awhile and focus on growing in other areas. See if he will decide on his own that he wants to marry you.

When you stay with him and just tell him that you want to marry him, he doesn't see the need to make up his mind on whether he wants to commit to you or not. You need to establish boundaries and honor your boundaries. If not, then you may find yourself in a long term relationship for a long time without marriage in sight.

March 14, 2016

the break up make up cycle usually screams that the relationship is dysfunctional. That is the 1st reason you should not marry at least not right now. Get a few years of having a stable adult relationship under your belt. IMO, what happens before you are at least 22 counts for nothing. You are still growing & maturing as people.

I applaud you for giving consideration to your financial stability before marrying but I can't imagine that any 19 year old is actually financially stable. Do you have any idea how much a baby costs? Do you have an emergency fund of at least 6 full months of living expenses socked away? Have you started saving for a house? Have you started saving for retirement? Unless you said Yes to all of those Qs, you are not financially stable.

You haven't been waiting forever. The fact that you think you have bespeaks your impatience. Marriage takes patience & compromise. You aren't ready for this even though you think you are.

Especially if you are in the US, wait until you are at least old enough to have a glass of champagne at your own wedding before you tie the knot.

If you are truly meant to be together forever, it shouldn't matter if you marry tomorrow or 5 years from now, although if you wait you stand a much better chance of making it until death do us part.

March 14, 2016

It's rare in 2016 for people to get married at your age... there are a lot of reasons for that and most of them are good ones.

Once divorce became legal and unstigmatized, the majority of couples starting divorcing... because marriages were generally lousy.

As the last couple of generations have progressed to adulthood we've altered our way of doing things to try and make things better. Dating for better reasons, getting to know each other longer and it's having positive effects of producing better marriages.

Also the financial world has changed hugely over the past few decades, when the boomers were young they could finish (or drop out of) high school, get a job, and that job would support a family of 4+ comfortably.

Those days are long gone... now even university graduates can struggle to find any job that pays a living wage.

My guess is that if you are "financially secure" at 19, you are talking about one of your parents money. IMO that is not the right foot to get started a marriage on, as one person (the one whose parents have money) will always have the power, and even worse, their parents will have the power in the relationship.

I usually agree with people on here who say it's time to move on if the other person refuses to commit. But it's very different when you are talking about someone who is 30 vs. someone who is 19.

March 14, 2016

Marriage isn't a destination! "...And they all lived happily ever after.". It's the beginning. It's the beginning of something incredibly hard to keep going.

I lived with my H until I was 26 (He proposed) & waited to try for a baby until I was 36. It's still been very hard & I know my H feels that he missed-out on being young & playing the field (He's 47 & there's an aspect of midlife crisis to that).

Life is very, very, VERY long. Even longer with a partner who feels robbed of their 'wild times'. Why on earth would you want to pressure him? What do you think marriage will achieve? Honestly... Make a list of what you think marriage NOW will give you vs waiting until your mid/late 20's.

If you both truly believe that you will spend the rest of your lives together (my reason for getting married) why not wait? We were TRULY financially comfortable & had an amazing wedding & honeymoon...we partied & travelled for a year!!

March 14, 2016

He told me that if I can lose interest before he proposes then maybe he shouldn't even marry me at all because if you love somebody and want to marry them you won't ever lose interest.

He's telling you to be quiet and stop bringing it up. He's telling you that you should be content to wait; your desire to get married is secondary to his desire to wait and he's delivered the threat that not waiting is grounds for never marrying you.

If he reacts by manipulating you into submission now, how do you think he'll handle you wanting kids before him? "If you can't wait for him to be ready to have kids then maybe he shouldn't have kids with you at all because if you love someone then you should be willing to wait til you're 35." I bet that thread is coming in a few years.

You've stated your desires and he dismissed them; what are you going to do about it? This is an issue that has nothing to do with your age. There are women in their 20s, 30s and 40s wanting to know why their man won't marry them. The point is that he won't and you have to make a choice. Swallow your desires, wait for him to decide if you're worthy of his last name, hope that he wants the same future as you, spend years nagging him and getting angrier....or leave and find a man who wants what you want.

March 15, 2016

How can you be so financially secure at 18?

You are too young to get married... I am generally all for marriage ....but I wouldn't want my 18 year old getting married.

The beauty is at 18 you have lots of time.. if you were 35 and had known him this long I'd understand...time is on your side...just enjoy the relationship and understanding each other as you grow up.

March 15, 2016

How can you be so financially secure at 18?

You are too young to get married... I am generally all for marriage ....but I wouldn't want my 18 year old getting married.

The beauty is at 18 you have lots of time.. if you were 35 and had known him this long I'd understand...time is on your side...just enjoy the relationship and understanding each other as you grow up.

It really depends on the maturity level and goals. My parents got married when they were both 18 years old, but they were both very mature and both had the same goals.

One of those goals included having a family, and 40 years later they have 4 daughters, 4 sons-in-law, and 9 grandchildren. Another goal of theirs is to be an active influence in their grandchildren's lives, and they are. (I'm barren, but my awesome nephews and nieces love spending time with their grandparents !!!)

My parents are the heart of my family and because their love for God, each other, and their offspring, they keep us together and are raising us to do the same. If they had waited till their 30s to get married and have kids, I don't know if they would have been able to do all they do for their family.

While both are working full-time, someday they will need to retire and when they do, we will be taking care of them. It's much easier for children to take care of their elderly parents when they (the sons and daughters) are mature adults who are established.

Edited March 15, 2016 by BetheButterfly

March 16, 2016

Financially secure at 19? I doubt that. You need to talk to much older adults to find out what that means.

March 16, 2016

He's telling you to be quiet and stop bringing it up. He's telling you that you should be content to wait; your desire to get married is secondary to his desire to wait and he's delivered the threat that not waiting is grounds for never marrying you.

If he reacts by manipulating you into submission now, how do you think he'll handle you wanting kids before him? "If you can't wait for him to be ready to have kids then maybe he shouldn't have kids with you at all because if you love someone then you should be willing to wait til you're 35." I bet that thread is coming in a few years.

You've stated your desires and he dismissed them; what are you going to do about it? This is an issue that has nothing to do with your age. There are women in their 20s, 30s and 40s wanting to know why their man won't marry them. The point is that he won't and you have to make a choice. Swallow your desires, wait for him to decide if you're worthy of his last name, hope that he wants the same future as you, spend years nagging him and getting angrier....or leave and find a man who wants what you want.

This is ridiculous. They are 19 years old!! This IS an issue that has to do with age. She is manipulating him as well. They are both too immature for marriage.... Probably because the are 19!!!

You can have that attitude at 30, but at 19? Like I said, good luck finding all those 19 year old guys so keen on settling down and starting a family.

March 16, 2016

It really depends on the maturity level and goals. My parents got married when they were both 18 years old, but they were both very mature and both had the same goals.

One of those goals included having a family, and 40 years later they have 4 daughters, 4 sons-in-law, and 9 grandchildren. Another goal of theirs is to be an active influence in their grandchildren's lives, and they are. (I'm barren, but my awesome nephews and nieces love spending time with their grandparents !!!)

My parents are the heart of my family and because their love for God, each other, and their offspring, they keep us together and are raising us to do the same. If they had waited till their 30s to get married and have kids, I don't know if they would have been able to do all they do for their family.

While both are working full-time, someday they will need to retire and when they do, we will be taking care of them. It's much easier for children to take care of their elderly parents when they (the sons and daughters) are mature adults who are established.

Thats great that it worked out for your parents. To some extent, that was a different time. The overwhelming majority of people are nowhere ready for marriage at such a young age today, and encouraging the OP to pursue this goal is, IMO, irresponsible.

The ideal time to marry is a different range for each person based on goals and maturity but IMO at 19 OP should be focused on her education/ career. Its one thing if she was already in a relationship where her bf also considered himself "ready", but thats not the case, and to tell her the issue is her bf and that she should move on to look for another 19 year old who is on the same page is ridiculous. She would be much better off by investing at least a few more years into herself before settling down.

Edited March 16, 2016 by lucy_in_disguise

March 16, 2016

What is the right age to get married? It really varies and even in the US, different regions view this topic differently. I have family down south and for them getting married at 18 and a kid by 19 is perfectly normal. Seems like a waste of life from my perspective (not going to college, travelling, experiencing life, etc), but for them, that is what they aspire to and it seems to work for them.

My suggestion is you check off the following before getting married:

Be in a committed relationship (without breakups) for at least one year.

Live together for at least 6 months sharing expenses and household responsibilities. You also have to do this without financial assistance from others.

Both have steady reliable jobs with benefits. There is nothing wrong with being a barista at Starbucks as long as it is full time, with benefits and you are established there so you don't worry about getting let go.

Have at least 3 month (ideally 6 months) of expenses saved up. Meaning, if both of you lost your jobs tomorrow, you can live comfortable for 6 months.

If you want to have a wedding (besides just going to city hall to sign papers), you have money saved for it. This is separate from the 3-6 months savings.

You have discussed children, religion, in-laws, futures, etc and are on the same page.

If you can say yes to all of these, then you are ready to get married.

March 16, 2016

What is the right age to get married? It really varies and even in the US, different regions view this topic differently. I have family down south and for them getting married at 18 and a kid by 19 is perfectly normal. Seems like a waste of life from my perspective (not going to college, travelling, experiencing life, etc), but for them, that is what they aspire to and it seems to work for them.

My suggestion is you check off the following before getting married:
Be in a committed relationship (without breakups) for at least one year.
Live together for at least 6 months sharing expenses and household responsibilities. You also have to do this without financial assistance from others.
Both have steady reliable jobs with benefits. There is nothing wrong with being a barista at Starbucks as long as it is full time, with benefits and you are established there so you don't worry about getting let go.
Have at least 3 month (ideally 6 months) of expenses saved up. Meaning, if both of you lost your jobs tomorrow, you can live comfortable for 6 months.
If you want to have a wedding (besides just going to city hall to sign papers), you have money saved for it. This is separate from the 3-6 months savings.
You have discussed children, religion, in-laws, futures, etc and are on the same page.

If you can say yes to all of these, then you are ready to get married.

GLad I checked, I was just about to write up a list just like this lol.

March 16, 2016

Me and my boyfriend have known each other since I was 13 years old and I'm turning 19 in a few months. I have always known that I loved him and honestly it was basically love at first sight for both of us. We had dated on and on before but now we have been dating for a while and its actually going steady and we even have been living together since we got back together this time. We only had broken up the past times because of stress and life issues and all so we have never really had problems. But I know 100% that I want to marry him and some day create a family with him. But he keeps saying he isn't ready and honestly I don't understand why because we are both financially secure and we know literally everything about each other and we are good with talking out our feelings and arguments. I have been getting really tired of waiting around and told him that I won't wait around forever and if he waits too long then I could possibly start to lose interest eventually. He told me that if I can lose interest before he proposes then maybe he shouldn't even marry me at all because if you love somebody and want to marry them you won't ever lose interest. And I just don't believe that I need opinions.

My advice? First, wait until you are 25 - most aren't fully mature until then anyway and may change rapidly during that time. Don't put all your effort into your relationship; it may not pay off. Put your effort into improving yourself and your career. My generation was the last to see homemaking as a full time career - my daughter both works at an extremely well paid job and raises her kids too - with some help from her husband that she divorced and remarried. She won't leave her career and I agree with her. If I'd had one, by now I wouldn't have left mine either.

The days of being able to expect a man to support you while you have a homemaking career are long gone. Equality is coming in, but the idea of a homemaker being "equal" to a career man has not. The social value of a wife at home has diminished in favor of economic desires.

I like DreamP's checklist. I started life off with a child and never did get back into career mode. It would have been much easier before children too...

Don't give up your independence for a man who won't give up his.

March 16, 2016

Marriage should be illegal before 25.

March 17, 2016

It really depends on the maturity level and goals. My parents got married when they were both 18 years old, but they were both very mature and both had the same goals.

One of those goals included having a family, and 40 years later they have 4 daughters, 4 sons-in-law, and 9 grandchildren. Another goal of theirs is to be an active influence in their grandchildren's lives, and they are. (I'm barren, but my awesome nephews and nieces love spending time with their grandparents !!!)

My parents are the heart of my family and because their love for God, each other, and their offspring, they keep us together and are raising us to do the same. If they had waited till their 30s to get married and have kids, I don't know if they would have been able to do all they do for their family.

While both are working full-time, someday they will need to retire and when they do, we will be taking care of them. It's much easier for children to take care of their elderly parents when they (the sons and daughters) are mature adults who are established.

Things were different then.

My mom got married when she was 17... she's still married over 50 years later.

That's not the norm in this day and age though....... I see so many people who marry young getting divorced.. lots of them cheat because they've only had one sexual partner .... I hear OW very often saying their affair partners got married young etc...

Again .. financial stability at 19? I doubt it.

March 21, 2016

You're both too young plain and simple. It is not 1850 anymore where you went to school until you were 14, 18 was middle age and you died at 45.

That's it.

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Why does it seem like my boyfriend is making excuses to marry me?

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