The bread crumbs are getting stale

[Adoraxx]

So -- Here i am, today after our brief (on all accounts) meeting yesterday and feeling very rejected when he was cold and clearly uncomfortable when i asked him why he wasn't being affectionate / responsive the way he had previously. Also, not responding to my email saying this isn't going to work as i need that..

 

Again.. still no response today. He has been on a long flight but i dont buy that, i fly for business all the time and when you want to send a quick email you do.. He spends hours in the lounges at airports etc

 

Sorry to hear that, Force . I know how much it hurts when he ignores you, especially after you sent him an email where you wrote about your feelings. Of course he has had time to send you an email but for some reason he chooses not to. My xMM always knew exactly how he could punish me so possibly he is trying to punish you for what you said. And if he returns, he might hope that his punishment was horrible enough for you to ever speak up again :/.

 

My xMM even once said: "you refuse to obey my rules!!!" wtf???

[Forceawakensme]

Sorry to hear that, Force . I know how much it hurts when he ignores you, especially after you sent him an email where you wrote about your feelings. Of course he has had time to send you an email but for some reason he chooses not to. My xMM always knew exactly how he could punish me so possibly he is trying to punish you for what you said. And if he returns, he might hope that his punishment was horrible enough for you to ever speak up again :/.

 

My xMM even once said: "you refuse to obey my rules!!!" wtf???

 

I think you're right... He used to go silent on me if i dared make him uncomfortable. Though, i could never be certain if this was punishment or if he was SO uncomfortable he couldn't face me or speak to me in case i dared bring that conversation up again. Like your garden variety MM he was majorly Conflict avoidant --- He is literally a 'yes' man to his wife.. never ever causes a rift as he cant stand arguing or fall out.

 

Ugh just wish i knew what was going on in his head right now.... (yes i know i shouldn't care whatsoever.. but of course i do as im human).

 

Oh edit to add -- he has not opened up that additional email still . and i know he couldnt' read it without clicking (fellow nerd here) -- how his curosity isn't getting the better of him is beyond me. Truly makes me feel worthless TBH.

Edited March 15, 2016 by Forceawakensme

[Grey Cloud]

Hi Jenkins,

I haven't finished reading the whole thread yet but I figured I would start with your post. I read the link to your other post and I had wanted to comment on that earlier (because I already read it shortly after you wrote it) but I guess I didn't feel like typing back then

 

In my case, I NEVER expected the MM to leave his marriage. I knew he wouldn't do that and I would never even want him to leave his marriage for me!! Too much of a burden because I think if someone leaves his/ her marriage, he/ she should do it for himself/ herself and not for someone else. I would feel too much pressure to make MM happy because 'he left his marriage for me'!! So that was out of the question (although in the beginning he lied that he would leave but that's another topic).

 

So no matter how often he said 'I love you', I never thought that that meant that he was going to leave his marriage. Never. I just wanted him to care about me as a person and not just as his own personal sex toy!!

 

 

 

 

 

So... I don't think it's rare for MM to lie about their so called 'love' for the OW. I've read so much over the past years and I've read quite often about how women feel that it must have been a lie, especially when you start to compare the words with their actions!!!

 

I don't think my MM is a) very intelligent.

But yes, b) a psychopathic narcissist (done much reading about that too)

And c) a very good actor, which is what psychopaths often are!!

 

I do believe that the MM used his words to manipulate me into doing what HE wanted!! You should know that over the years (he is my neighbor) I kept telling him 'no I can't have sex with you anymore' because I knew how it would end. Yet he kept pressuring me, I can't even explain how he did that and how often!! But one of his tools was his ANGER and using silent treatment and all that stuff.

 

Also, after a while I felt like his 'I love you's' were really off somehow. Again, hard to explain! One thing I've learned is to look at the actions most of all and if those actions don't show LOVE , than surely the 'I love you' words are empty!!

 

Giving someone the silent treatment when she doesn't do what you want, is not love.

 

Not allowing someone to ask questions, is not love.

Not contacting someone after sex, is not love.

Yelling when things don't go your way, is not love.

Mast*rbat*ng on someone's kitchen counter top when she says NO, is not love!!!

 

And I have a zillion more examples like that.

So yes, in my case I don't believe the MM loved me. Yet those words are still very powerful and cause lots of cogn dissonance. Just like when he said: "we'll stay in touch" and "I'll come see you" etc etc and he never showed up again... it sure makes a person VERY confused to say the least.

 

I think the MM only loves himself because his actions sure never ever showed any love towards me. For example, he only ever called (several days in a row) to lovebomb me in hopes that he could seduce me to have sex with him again.

 

Going to read the rest of the thread now

 

He did WHAT on the kitchen counter top??!!!! Ewwww, you are so much better off without him Adoraxx!!!

[Grey Cloud]

I'm sure he hates himself. Not just because of what he did but because A's make these guys turn into someone else, like an entirely different person that he doesn't even recognize or like himself, and this makes them cranky. That is just the nature of A's and it's very confusing and uncomfortable for everyone. This is his response to not being able to control his feelings, it makes them grumpy. It really is best to just end it and stay NC no matter what, even if you miss each other.

 

Such interesting insight Popsicle. When xMM and I were "breaking up" he said exactly that - that the A had turned him into a person he didn't even recognise. And he had been extremely grumpy at home. It was almost by dissolving the A he could dissolve himself of guilt and return to the authentic, loyal, faithful version of himself (if that is all possible, highly doubtful!!). I think he was confused because he did love his wife so couldn't work out why he also had feelings for me.

[Adoraxx]

He did WHAT on the kitchen counter top??!!!! Ewwww, you are so much better off without him Adoraxx!!!

 

Yes it's disgusting!! And then he grabbed the towel that was laying there, to wipe it off. He was also often swinging 'it' in front of me as if he was holding out a bone for a dog or something , or a carrot for a rabbit, you know what I mean :/

[Adoraxx]

I think you're right... He used to go silent on me if i dared make him uncomfortable. Though, i could never be certain if this was punishment or if he was SO uncomfortable he couldn't face me or speak to me in case i dared bring that conversation up again. Like your garden variety MM he was majorly Conflict avoidant --- He is literally a 'yes' man to his wife.. never ever causes a rift as he cant stand arguing or fall out.

 

Ugh just wish i knew what was going on in his head right now.... (yes i know i shouldn't care whatsoever.. but of course i do as im human).

 

Oh edit to add -- he has not opened up that additional email still . and i know he couldnt' read it without clicking (fellow nerd here) -- how his curosity isn't getting the better of him is beyond me. Truly makes me feel worthless TBH.

 

Is this the first time he doesn't open one of your emails?

[Grey Cloud]

Yes it's disgusting!! And then he grabbed the towel that was laying there, to wipe it off. He was also often swinging 'it' in front of me as if he was holding out a bone for a dog or something , or a carrot for a rabbit, you know what I mean :/

 

I wanted to "like" this but I just can't! What a jerk! Definitely a narcissist!!

[jenkins95]

Yes it's disgusting!! And then he grabbed the towel that was laying there, to wipe it off. He was also often swinging 'it' in front of me as if he was holding out a bone for a dog or something , or a carrot for a rabbit, you know what I mean :/

 

Oh Adoraxx! That's unbelievable! That, along with this comment: -

 

My xMM even once said: "you refuse to obey my rules!!!" wtf???

 

Is pretty much proof positive that you are so much better off without him Adoraxx (along with many other unsavoury things that I've read in other posts of yours!)

[jenkins95]

Oh edit to add -- he has not opened up that additional email still . and i know he couldnt' read it without clicking (fellow nerd here) -- how his curosity isn't getting the better of him is beyond me. Truly makes me feel worthless TBH.

 

Wow, that is odd Force. If it was me, I would be just dying to read it. It seems to have turned into a psychological game for him - his curiosity against the will to make you suffer and second guess him. Well, in one way he is winning this battle because you are suffering and second guessing, but I am certain that he is suffering too!

 

It has now become like a point of principle not to open it - like who will crack first; either he will crack and finally open it, and the read receipt will resonate like an alarm in that mental space between you betraying his weakness....or you will crack and try to make further contact with him.

 

Either someone will crack, or no further action will be taken by either of you, in which case NC has effectively been enforced.

 

Please don't let it be you who cracks first, Force. As long as you don't, you "win" whatever he does. Ultimately, you want to start genuine NC, so ideally let's hope there is no further contact at all. I know you are itching to know why he doesn't open the email, but with time this will matter less and less.

 

Are you feeling better today than yesterday Force? Keep going!

Edited March 15, 2016 by jenkins95

[Forceawakensme]

Jenkins thank you so much for your thoughts ---

 

UPDATE -- And could REALLY use some advice and support right now.

 

I wrote him again (yep.. idiot and all) -- This time it was telling him that i merely wanted the affection because it turned ME on -- and helped me 'get off' -- i likened it to his fetishes.. and told him to think he had legit feelings for me added to my excitement toward seeing him this week -- and THAT is why i asked for it. Basically, eluding to the fact i would still meet him wed if he wanted to...

 

I did this for a very mean and immature and manipulative reason/s (but out of frustration frankly - no excuse.. whatever, i did it) -- Mainly because i was breaking NC and wanting a Hit -- but also because i wanted him to break his silence and say 'ok lets meet tomorrow night then' to which i'd say 'nope' and nothing else. Then leave him wondering. --- Immature / retaliation for his silence.. yep.

 

Anyway -- he responded saying a number of reasons he hadnt emailed me but also because he was thinking about it all /processing yesterday. Said he didn't want to respond until he knew exactly what he wanted to say and that seeing me was 'lovely yesterday and its all ive thought about' .. he said "im not as articulate as you so i didn't want to put my foot in it but knew you were pissed at me for freezing up' -- THen he said "i have always had a lto of difficulty expressing my feelings and you know this about me.. it doesn't come naturally and wasn't the way i was raised" (he is posh brit to illustrate his culture) THEN he went to to say "but honestly, after your last email now im feeling chastised and think we both need a cooling off period".

 

Now, it seems HE is switching off any potential for tomorrow night.

 

Ugh, no chance to reject him again. I get i totally messed this up by not staying NC -- but still would like anybody's view on whether he intended on avoiding me wednesday all along because of my rising of emotion talk and how hes using my email as an excuse. OR did i actually offend him in my email (i pretty much told him that this was all emotionless for me too and thought we were just both playing along for sexiness lol. i know, pretty brutal)

[jenkins95]

Jenkins thank you so much for your thoughts ---

 

UPDATE -- And could REALLY use some advice and support right now.

 

I wrote him again (yep.. idiot and all) -- This time it was telling him that i merely wanted the affection because it turned ME on -- and helped me 'get off' -- i likened it to his fetishes.. and told him to think he had legit feelings for me added to my excitement toward seeing him this week -- and THAT is why i asked for it. Basically, eluding to the fact i would still meet him wed if he wanted to...

 

I did this for a very mean and immature and manipulative reason/s (but out of frustration frankly - no excuse.. whatever, i did it) -- Mainly because i was breaking NC and wanting a Hit -- but also because i wanted him to break his silence and say 'ok lets meet tomorrow night then' to which i'd say 'nope' and nothing else. Then leave him wondering. --- Immature / retaliation for his silence.. yep.

 

Anyway -- he responded saying a number of reasons he hadnt emailed me but also because he was thinking about it all /processing yesterday. Said he didn't want to respond until he knew exactly what he wanted to say and that seeing me was 'lovely yesterday and its all ive thought about' .. he said "im not as articulate as you so i didn't want to put my foot in it but knew you were pissed at me for freezing up' -- THen he said "i have always had a lto of difficulty expressing my feelings and you know this about me.. it doesn't come naturally and wasn't the way i was raised" (he is posh brit to illustrate his culture) THEN he went to to say "but honestly, after your last email now im feeling chastised and think we both need a cooling off period".

 

Now, it seems HE is switching off any potential for tomorrow night.

 

Ugh, no chance to reject him again. I get i totally messed this up by not staying NC -- but still would like anybody's view on whether he intended on avoiding me wednesday all along because of my rising of emotion talk and how hes using my email as an excuse. OR did i actually offend him in my email (i pretty much told him that this was all emotionless for me too and thought we were just both playing along for sexiness lol. i know, pretty brutal)

 

Oh Force, come here - (((Force)))

 

Poor you, you are going through it with this, aren't you? So much going through your mind and so much stress and uncertainty.

 

Well as an outsider, it clearly seems like a set of mind games between you both. The meeting on Wednesday night has become a big, almost symbolic event - symbolic of whether you guys have a future or not, and what that future is likely to look like. The meeting is something you both clearly want, but both of you is trying to give the impression that you are cool about it, and maybe it's for the best if you don't meet after all......let's have a cooling off period, gather our thoughts, etc, etc.

 

I think each of you wants the other to just cave in and say "Oh please, please let's meet tomorrow night - I need it! Never mind the other stuff, I just need to be with you. I need you." Admit it, you'd feel great if he just came begging wouldn't you? I guarantee you that he would too - I know the mind of the MM. Nothing beats the ego boost of a woman who will do anything just to be with you.

 

You admit that your latest attempt to contact him was basically mind games and fishing to see where he was in his mind and whether you could get a response from him - I bet your heart skipped a beat when his reply arrived didn't it? I think his response is just more of the same. He is acting hurt, suddenly very considerate and cool. I think he's treating your attempted contact as a little moral victory and that you "broke" first, hence he is quite sensible and measured and hurt in his response, while trying to give the impression that he is really trying to be considerate and do the right thing.

 

He says that the only reason he didn't reply to your email (hey - he didn't even read it!) is because "he didn't want to respond until he knew exactly what he wanted to say". Well, I don't buy it one little bit!! He is playing with you, trying to make you guess, trying to give the impression that maybe he doesn't care so much any more, trying to hook you in. He wants you to try a little harder to get him back....maybe a lot harder. He wants your next email to be an apology for messing with his head, followed with begging to go ahead with Wed night because of how much you need it.

 

Just my cynical interpretation, but I personally don't buy the hurt little schoolboy act or that he's just trying to be sensible and do the right thing! The whole nature of affairs lend themselves to mind games like this. As an outsider it's almost quite interesting to see it play out and predict what the next move will be, but of course for you being in the middle of it Force, it's horrible and very stressful and playing with your head - I'm sure you can concentrate on nothing else.

 

OK, what about your next move?......ummmm that's a hard one! The ball is in your court right now! Have you responded again yet? You probably want to handle it on your own, but don't forget that you have the advantage that you have team LS behind you if you need us to help with the next move! This is like a game of chess, so let's turn you into Gary Kasparov!!

[Forceawakensme]

Oh Force, come here - (((Force)))

 

Poor you, you are going through it with this, aren't you? So much going through your mind and so much stress and uncertainty.

 

Well as an outsider, it clearly seems like a set of mind games between you both. The meeting on Wednesday night has become a big, almost symbolic event - symbolic of whether you guys have a future or not, and what that future is likely to look like. The meeting is something you both clearly want, but both of you is trying to give the impression that you are cool about it, and maybe it's for the best if you don't meet after all......let's have a cooling off period, gather our thoughts, etc, etc.

 

I think each of you wants the other to just cave in and say "Oh please, please let's meet tomorrow night - I need it! Never mind the other stuff, I just need to be with you. I need you." Admit it, you'd feel great if he just came begging wouldn't you? I guarantee you that he would too - I know the mind of the MM. Nothing beats the ego boost of a woman who will do anything just to be with you.

 

You admit that your latest attempt to contact him was basically mind games and fishing to see where he was in his mind and whether you could get a response from him - I bet your heart skipped a beat when his reply arrived didn't it? I think his response is just more of the same. He is acting hurt, suddenly very considerate and cool. I think he's treating your attempted contact as a little moral victory and that you "broke" first, hence he is quite sensible and measured and hurt in his response, while trying to give the impression that he is really trying to be considerate and do the right thing.

 

He says that the only reason he didn't reply to your email (hey - he didn't even read it!) is because "he didn't want to respond until he knew exactly what he wanted to say". Well, I don't buy it one little bit!! He is playing with you, trying to make you guess, trying to give the impression that maybe he doesn't care so much any more, trying to hook you in. He wants you to try a little harder to get him back....maybe a lot harder. He wants your next email to be an apology for messing with his head, followed with begging to go ahead with Wed night because of how much you need it.

 

Just my cynical interpretation, but I personally don't buy the hurt little schoolboy act or that he's just trying to be sensible and do the right thing! The whole nature of affairs lend themselves to mind games like this. As an outsider it's almost quite interesting to see it play out and predict what the next move will be, but of course for you being in the middle of it Force, it's horrible and very stressful and playing with your head - I'm sure you can concentrate on nothing else.

 

OK, what about your next move?......ummmm that's a hard one! The ball is in your court right now! Have you responded again yet? You probably want to handle it on your own, but don't forget that you have the advantage that you have team LS behind you if you need us to help with the next move! This is like a game of chess, so let's turn you into Gary Kasparov!!

 

You are spot on. Thank you thank you thank you for this response.

 

Ashamed to say i was playing game here - (and lost -- clearly he is better at it than me) out of bruised ego. I need to stop. Stopping now... Moving on.

 

NC forthcoming.

 

NOW.. Ok NC five minutes and counting..

Edited March 15, 2016 by Forceawakensme

[jenkins95]

BTW (for those who have asked --- He ended up 2 year A early Jan as he said his feelings were getting too strong and he wanted to leave his wife for me but couldn't -- i never told him to -- never said that was even an option or even eluded to it because its not, frankly -- what i wanted was a 'love affair' -- affection and sweetness and excitement (just being truthful here) NOT FWB -- which i hammered home in no uncertain terms time and time again to him. I made several attempts to break NC and he was very resistant and kept it. This was hard because i had the feeling in my mind all that time that he was in love with me and just couldnt' speak to me because his feelings were too strong and this tormented him. -- Anyway he broke NC after six weeks at that event saying 'im going crazy and miserable and think about you constantly and CANNOT be out of contact with you -- i just cant" --- Spent that evening telling me i was the only woman he has ever truly loved, wasn't 'in love with his wife like me.. even though she is a 'nice enough lady' (he said that!), -- said i was his fantasy woman and asked what a future with me would look like and how it could happen. I played along with his fantasy but i never, ever encouraged it, though admittedly didn't discourage it at that point as it was all sexy talk. Also very drunk. The very next day (sober) he started another email account up and has been writing me every day since... almost all sexual though (not entirely though, some alluding to his previous fantasy).

 

This is really interesting to read force. A lot of it resonates with me and I think that my AP and I wanted something similar to you - we wanted a sweet, fairy-tale style fantasy romance, but not to hurt anyone else or disrupt our lives. Sex was a natural part of it, but by no means the priority at any time. And I never tried to manipulate anything simply to get sex. She was my drug, all of her, not just the sex.

 

But this kind of idealistic thinking caught up with me. We realised that we were both in love, and increasingly dependent, demanding and needy on each other. It was more than just a fairy tale now, it is a needy addiction that was draining our resources. This was not part of the original plan - we were in control at first - it was cute and light, but now it was controlling us. We are getting stressed and careless - the negatives were starting to outweigh the positives. At the start, making a little time for each other when convenient, just a little IM for example, was a wonderful little bonus - like the icing on the cake of an otherwise dull day. But as time goes by, making time for each other is no longer a bonus, it becomes a requirement, and the needs become more and more, the whole thing becomes an addiction and starts to spiral out of control.

 

I relate to this "he said his feelings were getting too strong and he wanted to leave his wife for me but couldn't". I remember getting to this stage. You are so in the fog that your opinion of your spouse and your marriage starts to become skewed......hang on, that was supposed to be separate from all this, my home life was supposed to be "immune" from anything that goes on in the affair bubble, but here I am starting to have doubts - did I get together with the wrong person after all? Do I "owe" it to my wife to leave her? The kids will be OK eventually...won't they?

 

I think however much you want it to stay a fairy tale and however good MM are at compartmentalising, these stresses are almost inevitable if the affair goes on for months and years. Guilt, anger, frustration, fear, confusion, jealousy, resentment - they all build to critical levels and something has to give. In my case the D-days came and the fairy tale "affair bubble" was shattered, followed by a severe mental breakdown.

 

However we envisage our affair, however we want to control it and make it a little fairy tale in it's own bubble separate form the rest of the world, once our heart gets fully engaged, it is almost impossible to keep it like that.

[Bufo]

Forceawakensme

 

Have you ever heard the saying "whoever cares the least has the most power"? You want him gone from your life, but maybe you don't. At least there is some hesitancy as evidenced by your recent email to him. He's showing he cares the least by delaying responses to you. Please don't let him play that game. Not with you.

 

It is a massive ego stroke to a man when a woman is interested in him. Difficult to give that up. After all we know about rejection from a young age. Simply go dark on him. There is a purpose for the oft-repeated NC recommendation.

 

Reading this thread makes me think that you know what is best for you. Just keep thinking about what is best for you and ignore thoughts about what he is thinking or how he is feeling.

 

Ignore his next email, at least for several days. She who cares least has the most power.

[jenkins95]

Force Half an hour NC - keep it up girl!

 

I wouldn't say you completely lost, just that perhaps he came out moderately better from this particular little exchange as you "broke" first - but no biggie. He may have won a minor battle, but not the war!

 

If you really can maintain NC now, that would be a master-stroke - but I reckon it will be difficult for you. I think as the hours and days slip by, you will struggle - be prepared for that and stay strong.

 

Why do I think it is a master stroke? Well, the little exchange right now probably has him feeling quite smug and that he is keeping you dangling, giving you enough emotional breadcrumbs in his response to keep you interested without in any way appearing to lose any of his resolve or dignity. He feels it is now down to you to come back begging......"Sorry if I upset you and confused you, just wanted yo to know how much I care. How about we go ahead with Wednesday anyway and put this behind us?" He will be expecting something like this, I am almost certain of it. If he gets nothing from you at all, it will confuse him and play with his mind big time. You are now in the position that you know where his mind roughly is and how he's playing it, but he doesn't - he needs your next email to truly know that! And if he doesn't get that email, boy is it going to pay with his head! I bet he is checking his inbox every 30 seconds! If you can pull this off, don't be at all surprised if you get an email in a week or so saying words to the effect of "Hi, I was expecting to hear from you. How's things? Just wondering how you are doing!" You know, the ultimate tail between the legs, fishing email.

 

Proud of you Force. Whatever else we have discussed, in any case NC has to be the ultimate goal, as sometime this A has to end. It can't go on forever. So if you can really stick to NC now and see this as the real end, yes it's going to be hell for you for a while, but you only the only proven road to full recovery.

 

By the way, before that event, Force, how did you feel after six weeks of NC? It's quite a critical time because you have put a lot in, suffered a lot, but are possibly not yet feeling noticeably better yet. This therefore makes you feel very vulnerable and prone to break NC, as actually happened. But if he hadn't broken it at the event and approached you first, would you have done it? Could you have survived that evening and ended up feeling stronger? Were you starting to feel stronger anyway? Or were you still full of hurt and confusion and feeling heart-broken? Either way, the fact that you maintained NC for six weeks prepares you well to go into it again now!

 

We are with you Force! Keep posting to us.

 

You are spot on. Thank you thank you thank you for this response.

 

Ashamed to say i was playing game here - (and lost -- clearly he is better at it than me) out of bruised ego. I need to stop. Stopping now... Moving on.

 

NC forthcoming.

 

NOW.. Ok NC five minutes and counting..

[Forceawakensme]

Bufo GREAT response. Thank you.

 

Agreed.. I know what is best for me and i know what i need to do. Time to go dark.

[jenkins95]

Brilliant! Bufo is saying the same as me, but skillfully manages to do it using about 10 times less words than I do!

 

NC all the way Force - and please contribute to my NC thread when it appears later!

 

Forceawakensme

 

Have you ever heard the saying "whoever cares the least has the most power"? You want him gone from your life, but maybe you don't. At least there is some hesitancy as evidenced by your recent email to him. He's showing he cares the least by delaying responses to you. Please don't let him play that game. Not with you.

 

It is a massive ego stroke to a man when a woman is interested in him. Difficult to give that up. After all we know about rejection from a young age. Simply go dark on him. There is a purpose for the oft-repeated NC recommendation.

 

Reading this thread makes me think that you know what is best for you. Just keep thinking about what is best for you and ignore thoughts about what he is thinking or how he is feeling.

 

Ignore his next email, at least for several days. She who cares least has the most power.

[Forceawakensme]

Force Half an hour NC - keep it up girl!

 

I wouldn't say you completely lost, just that perhaps he came out moderately better from this particular little exchange as you "broke" first - but no biggie. He may have won a minor battle, but not the war!

 

If you really can maintain NC now, that would be a master-stroke - but I reckon it will be difficult for you. I think as the hours and days slip by, you will struggle - be prepared for that and stay strong.

 

Why do I think it is a master stroke? Well, the little exchange right now probably has him feeling quite smug and that he is keeping you dangling, giving you enough emotional breadcrumbs in his response to keep you interested without in any way appearing to lose any of his resolve or dignity. He feels it is now down to you to come back begging......"Sorry if I upset you and confused you, just wanted yo to know how much I care. How about we go ahead with Wednesday anyway and put this behind us?" He will be expecting something like this, I am almost certain of it. If he gets nothing from you at all, it will confuse him and play with his mind big time. You are now in the position that you know where his mind roughly is and how he's playing it, but he doesn't - he needs your next email to truly know that! And if he doesn't get that email, boy is it going to pay with his head! I bet he is checking his inbox every 30 seconds! If you can pull this off, don't be at all surprised if you get an email in a week or so saying words to the effect of "Hi, I was expecting to hear from you. How's things? Just wondering how you are doing!" You know, the ultimate tail between the legs, fishing email.

 

Proud of you Force. Whatever else we have discussed, in any case NC has to be the ultimate goal, as sometime this A has to end. It can't go on forever. So if you can really stick to NC now and see this as the real end, yes it's going to be hell for you for a while, but you only the only proven road to full recovery.

 

By the way, before that event, Force, how did you feel after six weeks of NC? It's quite a critical time because you have put a lot in, suffered a lot, but are possibly not yet feeling noticeably better yet. This therefore makes you feel very vulnerable and prone to break NC, as actually happened. But if he hadn't broken it at the event and approached you first, would you have done it? Could you have survived that evening and ended up feeling stronger? Were you starting to feel stronger anyway? Or were you still full of hurt and confusion and feeling heart-broken? Either way, the fact that you maintained NC for six weeks prepares you well to go into it again now!

 

We are with you Force! Keep posting to us.

 

Fantastic post.

 

To answer your question: I was pretty miserable during that six weeks (the first two weeks being hell). I was depressed throughout the whole time though.

 

Of course, i had the whole "hes so in love with me but cant be with me" forbidden love mantra going off in my head the whole time... --- VS now, where i think he showed his cards yesterday with not wanting to be affectionate -- Though.. its true he has always struggled with telling his feelings.. (see, im already getting a case of the 'awwws' by him saying thats all it was).

 

 

Update -- and dont be proud.. i broke, big time. I wrote "lets just get together. I wrote that harsh email because i was hurt". (it was pretty harsh -- i even put a paragraph in there saying i think he would be better suited to a hooker' and added ' but of course, you would have to accept she is faking enjoying herself, not such a bad deal if you dont have to give anything back though, right?" -- i am pretty sure this would have burned him. I also referred to the fact i thought he was rude and lazy for not messaging me, despite how 'brief' our meeting was yesterday (im sure he took that as a dig to his brief performance even though it wasn't necessarily what i was alluding too... ) Immature, passive aggressive to the max.

 

To which he wrote "RElax, im not mad at you... im just very busy.. of course i want to see you, but i think its best we sit this one out".

 

My final words (hence his vistory in this battle were) -

 

"Well that makes no sense, obviously you have your panties in a bunch". "on that note, lets just cut contact again".

 

so definitely he 'won' that one... No response from him.

 

Then i went dark (half hour ago)

(btw this was before i went NC half hour ago -- just filling you in now-- )

Edited March 15, 2016 by Forceawakensme

[Forceawakensme]

Brilliant! Bufo is saying the same as me, but skillfully manages to do it using about 10 times less words than I do!

 

NC all the way Force - and please contribute to my NC thread when it appears later!

 

 

Jenkins will do! -- Im going to be on this board a lot over next few days.

 

Your posts have been a life saver for me.

[Josmatjes]

Fantastic post.

 

To answer your question: I was pretty miserable during that six weeks (the first two weeks being hell). I was depressed throughout the whole time though.

 

Of course, i had the whole "hes so in love with me but cant be with me" forbidden love mantra going off in my head the whole time... --- VS now, where i think he showed his cards yesterday with not wanting to be affectionate -- Though.. its true he has always struggled with telling his feelings.. (see, im already getting a case of the 'awwws' by him saying thats all it was).

 

 

Update -- and dont be proud.. i broke, big time. I wrote "lets just get together. I wrote that harsh email because i was hurt". (it was pretty harsh -- i even put a paragraph in there saying i think he would be better suited to a hooker' and added ' but of course, you would have to accept she is faking enjoying herself, not such a bad deal if you dont have to give anything back though, right?" -- i am pretty sure this would have burned him. I also referred to the fact i thought he was rude and lazy for not messaging me, despite how 'brief' our meeting was yesterday (im sure he took that as a dig to his brief performance even though it wasn't necessarily what i was alluding too... ) Immature, passive aggressive to the max.

 

To which he wrote "RElax, im not mad at you... im just very busy.. of course i want to see you, but i think its best we sit this one out".

 

My final words (hence his vistory in this battle were) -

 

"Well that makes no sense, obviously you have your panties in a bunch". "on that note, lets just cut contact again".

 

so definitely he 'won' that one... No response from him.

 

Then i went dark (half hour ago)

(btw this was before i went NC half hour ago -- just filling you in now-- )

 

Sweetie STOP texting him! I know it sucks and it's so hard! You feel like you gonna pull your hair out! But think of it this way... He is getting off on all these little texts from you! They love it and it gives them power! I'm 7 days no contact today, actually right now down to the hour! I felt weak again and wanted to text but I don't want to give himbackmy power that I labored to get!!! You CAN do this! Don't respond when he texts you! Show him who is boss!!

[Forceawakensme]

Sorry i didn't get to edit and add (lost internet) -- I have NOT messaged or texted him since i said earlier i went NC -- i was just giving the backstory fill-in of my last messages.

 

But totally agree with everyone .. NC baby!!

[Forceawakensme]

Sweetie STOP texting him! I know it sucks and it's so hard! You feel like you gonna pull your hair out! But think of it this way... He is getting off on all these little texts from you! They love it and it gives them power! I'm 7 days no contact today, actually right now down to the hour! I felt weak again and wanted to text but I don't want to give himbackmy power that I labored to get!!! You CAN do this! Don't respond when he texts you! Show him who is boss!!

 

 

Good on you Josmatjes! -- Use me as a cautionary tale.. 'how to hand over your power in a matter of minutes'

 

Stay steadfast. I will do the same. So much darkness awaits me..

[Gloria_Smellons]

I don't really get this Force, this desire to win?

 

Win what? Ask yourself what you want, truly want in the long term.

 

For me I wanted to be free of MM, free of the guilt, sadness, lies, fleeting moments of joy that weren't even real and didn't even mean anything, just free of it all.

 

So I never spoke to him again. That was my winning. I knew if I tried to get the last word, or 'make' him feel anything, that was something I could not win. How can you win anything against an accomplished lair for goodness sake?

 

Even if he said everything 'right' he would still be married and you would still not feel any better. Seriously, play through every possible version of every conversation you could have in your head, (I did this a lot at the beginning)... it doesn't matter what is said because the end result is still the same.

 

If you want to be happy, YOU have to change YOUR behaviour. That is the only thing you can control. You've already started, now keep going!

[Grey Cloud]

Don't you love it when they tell you "I've just been busy" as to the reason why they haven't got in touch! There would be times when xMM was texting or emailing me non stop no matter how 'busy' he was at work or even when he was at home with his w! And then suddenly he backs off and I would get "I've been soooooooo busy.....sorry". I hated the constant push/pull. Better off being NC and not knowing what the hell they are up to!!

[jenkins95]

Update -- and dont be proud.. i broke, big time. I wrote "lets just get together. I wrote that harsh email because i was hurt". (it was pretty harsh -- i even put a paragraph in there saying i think he would be better suited to a hooker' and added ' but of course, you would have to accept she is faking enjoying herself, not such a bad deal if you dont have to give anything back though, right?" -- i am pretty sure this would have burned him. I also referred to the fact i thought he was rude and lazy for not messaging me, despite how 'brief' our meeting was yesterday (im sure he took that as a dig to his brief performance even though it wasn't necessarily what i was alluding too... ) Immature, passive aggressive to the max.

 

Oh force, I can't keep up with you guys! I understand the need to get this out of your system! The little jabs and back-and-forth stuff is a natural way for the two of you try to establish a winner!

 

OK, lets' have a little football match to decide the winner! Note that this is just a bit of fun and that the lines are not necessarily in chronological order!: -

 

Force: You would be better suited to a hooker

1-0

 

MM: Relax, im not mad at you... im just very busy (WTF!, you must want to slap him for that one - talk about condescending!)

1-1

 

Force: You would have to accept she is faking enjoying herself, not such a bad deal if you dont have to give anything back though.

2-1

 

MM: i think its best we sit this one out

2-2

 

Force: On that note, lets just cut contact again

3-2

 

MM: No response

3-3

 

And the winner: -

 

Force: very rude and lazy for not messaging me, despite how 'brief' our meeting was yesterday!

4-3

 

Full time!

 

Oh force, I guarantee you that he understood that 'brief' thing in exactly the way we all see it here! So funny your passive-aggressive way of slipping that one in! Oh yes, that got right at his male pride, you can guarantee it!

 

Then i went dark (half hour ago)

(btw this was before i went NC half hour ago -- just filling you in now-- )

 

OK, imagine me with one of those snap-board things (what are they called?) that they use when doing different takes in films......

 

"Force, NC, take 6" ......audible snap.......expectant silence....

 

Oh Force, forgive me. I am being light hearted, but I know this is all very serious deep down and is hurting you a lot. Sometimes a little laugh can be like medicine. I am not making light of yuor situation. Just keep posting. We are here for you.