The bread crumbs are getting stale

[Liam1]

My post, right up top stated that a "LOT" of men. I did not say all.

 

With that said. If you really loved either your wife or your OW would you NOT want to be honest with them?

 

I confessed my affair because I realized my wife was my one true love. There was no equivocation.

 

The truth is though that it is rare that a man having an affair is being truthful with anyone. Maybe not even himself. It's called denial in psychological parlance. You are having your cake and eating it too. Why not convince yourself you love both. But it seems like you are lying to both.

 

How do you lie to people you claim to love?

 

I ended my affair because I disliked lying to my wife, even though in my case it was only lying by omission.

 

 

I haven't posted on this site in a very long time but I do still read here from time and time and I've seen you state this sentiment so many times with such certainty, I felt I needed to say something.

 

You tend to speak in such absolutes, particularly when you say that if a man loves a woman, he will "put a ring on it". That is certainly not the case all of the time and I would argue even much of the time. A married man having an affair can very much love the OW but not want to leave his marriage (for a million reasons which have been discussed on this site ad nauseam; he loves his wife, can't bare the thoughts of not seeing his children every day, his finances, the public shame, doesn't want to hurt people etc).

 

I'm sure that, as you say, many men lie and tell women they love them to get them into bed. There are many MM, however, who do love someone other than their wife (perhaps in addition to loving their wife) but don't want to/won't/can't leave their entire life as they know it because of a feeling. In fact, I would argue that when comparing married men and women in affairs, MM tend to ultimately do what is practical and logical and best for everyone involved (including themselves), regardless of how they feel. I think MW tend to operate much more on emotion and are more willing to walk away from it all for "love".

 

I don't mean this critically. I think you are a thoughtful poster and you bring a lot to these discussions, particularly because of your experiences. I just caution you about speaking in such absolutes and generalities when it comes to the complicated mess that are affairs. To me, it sounds like you are saying that a man will always move mountains to be with a woman he loves and in my experience, it's often a lot more complicated than that.

Edited March 16, 2016 by Liam1

[LearningToMoveOn]

My post, right up top stated that a "LOT" of men. I did not say all.

 

With that said. If you really loved either your wife or your OW would you NOT want to be honest with them.

 

I confessed my affair because I realized my wife was my one true love. There was no equivocation.

 

The truth is though that it is rare that a man having an affair is being truthful with anyone. Maybe not even himself. It's called denial in psychological parlance. You are having your cake and eating it too. Why not convince yourself you love both. But it seems like you are lying to both.

 

Well, not to split hairs here but you said a lot of men lie about loving the OW to get what they want You then went on to say, no ring, no love, so I took that as more of an absolute. I understand what you are saying now though and I get it.

 

Yes, exactly, you should want to be honest with someone you love. Couldn't agree more.

[Liam1]

Well, not to split hairs here but you said a lot of men lie about loving the OW to get what they want You then went on to say, no ring, no love, so I took that as more of an absolute. I understand what you are saying now though and I get it.

 

Yes, exactly, you should want to be honest with someone you love. Couldn't agree more.

 

So, my impression is that you told your wife that you loved the OW and confessed to your wife that you only stayed with her because divorcing her was too complicated.

 

So you were not willing to move mountains for your OW? Did you tell her that?

 

If you are still in love with the OW, I am quite sure your wife feels that energy. You are lucky she chooses to reconcile.

 

The torn between two lovers spiel is a tough one for a loyal spouse to overcome.

 

How will you feel if one day she falls in love with an OM and you find out? Will you be okay if she stays because things are too complicated to file for a divorce?

 

Just curious?

Edited March 16, 2016 by Liam1

[13Hearts]

Well guys -- Not sure if i should start another thread as i havn't posted in a while and thought i'd give everyone an update.

 

I didn't post because i started back up again w MM and was frankly, embarrassed and felt weak that i couldn't maintain NC.

 

He basically broke NC after maintaining it himself pretty staunchly for six weeks i saw him at a large event of a mutual friend. I was polite toward him but circulated with other friends etc. He ignored me most of the night until the end where he followed me to the bathroom and stopped me and said 'i cant do this.. i miserable.. every single day, you're all i think about". We went outside and talked the entire night. I broke down with an immediate case of the "awws" and said "I miss you so much".

 

After that we left discreetly together and it was a big love fest the rest of the night. He told me im the only woman hes ever loved..and he wants to be with me after his kids go to school in a couple of years etc --- *I* did not say i wanted to be with him because frankly, ive read on here enough to know the future faking tendencies of MM so i didn't want to stoke the fire. It was all his doing. He told me im his ultimate fantasy woman and perfect in every way and while he 'loves' his wife, hes not in love with her the way he is with me (yes .. i know, yada yada... cliche speech)..

 

Anyway -- After that night (three weeks ago) he has consistently come on pretty strong and i was cool with him. Though i did notice that he wasn't doing the i love yous.. just sexual talk.

 

We planned to see eachother for a night this week in two days time (we only ever saw eachother once a month and the rest was email -- thats been our MO for 2.5 years of the A).

 

Anyway, he has been all excited about this upcoming night.

 

He went away with his wife this weekend and wrote me the entire weekend, which he never does when hes with her -- usually i dont hear from him when hes with her. Especially as they were on a vacation just the two of them.

 

Anyway, his emails were all sexual, no lovey dovey stuff like the nights we'd seen eachother. Anyway, he asked to come over today briefly to drop some stuff over for me that he wants me to dress up in for this night (hes into dressing up.. nothing crazy, i like it too, always have anyway -) --- When he came over we had a quickie --- But he was sober.. and quite formal..not the loving way hes been the last times in person...Though it was morning and a work day and we usually get together at night w drinks etc.. Hes always been a bit of a nervous guy when hes sober compared to his confidence after a few wines but i really noticed it today.

 

We had the quickie.. Then he was getting dressed to go and said he looked forward to seeing me on the night we planned this week.

 

Then i said "can i ask something.. why do i feel a lack of affection from yo utoday... can i just get some reassurance that im not the only one with feelings here"? (yes needy.. pathetic blah blah -- but knowing that i couldn't see him this week if its just sexual -- that does nothing for me whatsoever).

 

He said "yes".. I have feelings. " i said, are you sure?". He said "Look im stone cold sober now..but i mean nobody is leaving their spouses soon.. we talk a good game when we're drunk but lets be realistic.. .though i very much cannot wait to see you and wouldn't be here or making risky plans if i didn't want to see you very very much".

 

Ugh.. Is it just me or was that a condescending.. 'get back in your box, you're obviously just a sex toy" speech? ...

 

I asked him to leave. He said "oh great, your'e going to analyze the eff out of that one comment now arn't you"... He left after we politely but luke warmly said our goodbyes.

 

Then i wrote an email immediately saying this isn't going to work. Thank you for the lovely memories but i need affection / feelings in order to have this relationship. Its not about wanting a future with you -- i dont have any expectations with that whatsoever (which is true) -- but i dont like feeling like im pushing for affection. I told him there was something 'off' about him today compared to last time. I said i need to take a step back (so in essence, breaking our plans for this week that he is excited about).

 

He read it (saw receipt) and didn't respond. I think hes mad at me.

 

I feel weirdly numb. Depressed of course.. but i stand by what i said that i dont want to continue this A if i get a FWB vibe from him whenever hes not Tipsy. I dont want a guy who has to be drunk in order to say ILY etc.

 

Anyway guys, thanks for letting me vent. IM ashamed to just be going around and around. I can say i am not hurt in the same ways as before, i guess after that NC period i did put up a wall to protect myself somewhat -- I think ... Lets see how i am in the coming days.. i'll probably hurt more. Hopefully im not back to square one again:(

 

I'm not being mean here, I'm really not. But boy, you sure are easy.

 

All this guy had to do is tell you how much he misses you and you jump in the sack with him and start it all up again. Now you look like the crazy one because you "need to see he has feelings."

 

You're playing a man's game and getting hurt in the process. Stop it. Set some standards for yourself and do not accept anything less.

[Poppy47]

I haven't posted on this site in a very long time but I do still read here from time and time and I've seen you state this sentiment so many times with such certainty, I felt I needed to say something.

 

You tend to speak in such absolutes, particularly when you say that if a man loves a woman, he will "put a ring on it". That is certainly not the case all of the time and I would argue even much of the time. A married man having an affair can very much love the OW but not want to leave his marriage (for a million reasons which have been discussed on this site ad nauseam; he loves his wife, can't bare the thoughts of not seeing his children every day, his finances, the public shame, doesn't want to hurt people etc).

 

I'm sure that, as you say, many men lie and tell women they love them to get them into bed. There are many MM, however, who do love someone other than their wife (perhaps in addition to loving their wife) but don't want to/won't/can't leave their entire life as they know it because of a feeling. In fact, I would argue that when comparing married men and women in affairs, MM tend to ultimately do what is practical and logical and best for everyone involved (including themselves), regardless of how they feel. I think MW tend to operate much more on emotion and are more willing to walk away from it all for "love".

 

I don't mean this critically. I think you are a thoughtful poster and you bring a lot to these discussions, particularly because of your experiences. I just caution you about speaking in such absolutes and generalities when it comes to the complicated mess that are affairs. To me, it sounds like you are saying that a man will always move mountains to be with a woman he loves and in my experience, it's often a lot more complicated than that.

 

I agree that the absolute view of is unrealistic. The more life experience I have , the less I would have the temerity to be absolute about anything.

 

However, I do absolutely say that there is no such thing as "only" lying by omission.

 

Not every relationship has to end with a ring. Relationships can still be of value. Just like people, they come in a million different varieties.

 

Poppy.

[Forceawakensme]

Update (for those who care to read) -- sorry kinda long but helps to get it out. Closure etc.

UPDATE:

 

So MM emailed me from his business trip home and begged to see me. I didn't see the emails as i was out for dinner with two of my very close girlfriends (who know nothing of all this) but i thought since this was the night i was supposed to get with MM i wanted to stay busy. A night of dressing up to nines to hang with the girls would be a good tonic for any sadness. I dont have that email account set up on my phone so i didn't see his email and most definitely was not expecting it after my our ridiculous little sophomoric spat which i lost abysmally . After he landed he called me and said 'im at airport can i please come and see you on the way home -- just to 'talk'. -- I thought about it for a minute.. (i'd had my hair blown out and it looked damn fine so thought, why not just meet him casually like i always look like this when caught unaware lol) .. -- I also did want to apologize for my silly nasty comments. Yes i was angry but i was plain rude and i not feel great about that.

 

He came over to my place. When he arrived he immediately apologized for being a 'tit' and a 'total arse' .. he said 'frankly im appalled at myself but lets be fair it wasn't your finest 24 hours either'.. I agreed but said ' a 'tit' and 'total arse' as you say is pretty on point.. you were rude, arrogant and i was somewhat of a nutjob for a minute there with apparently no impulse control with the email send button... ' --- Lets put it behind us. We laughed about a few others things, then Agreed. He told me i looked absolutely amazing and apologized for looking weathered and smelling questionable after such a long flight. I thanked him and told him not to be self-conscious.

 

He was trying to touch me a bit and i wasn't cold but didn't respond. So, then he says 'so can we go somewhere ie bedroom... (ie he meant for me to go get dressed up in outfit for him-- didn't say it but obviously). I said.. 'im sorry, i can't'. He said 'why?".. i said 'because i really did mean what i said the other day.. i cant do FWB .. " -- He said "but this obviously isn't that.. " -- i said "you say that now because you are horny and want to see me in that outfit".. __ He said 'no i say that now because I love you and havn't stopped thinking about you since the other day.. and our fight pretty much made me miserable". I said 'im sorry.. i really am... i just cant .. "

 

He was pissed. Visably so or extremely disappointed / frustrated / crushed. I said "look i appreciate you saying now you love me but the reality is i saw the other day clear actions and inactions that illustrate otherwise and i cant just "unsee" them" ---"unless i have a lobotomy i cant just change how i feel now based on how you acted, your actions have set up my feelings now and i cant change that' -- and he said "so it means nothing that i am standing here now and saying i love you, i was being an arse and all i want to do is be with you" -- I said 'not nothing, i appreciate it but i just cant be physical with you.. im sorry, i just cant". We didn't discuss friendship or anything i was just clear that there couldn't be a physical relationship with us. I did give him a kiss though sort of a goodbye kiss. I also told him that i will cherish fond memories, let go of bad ones.. but i needed to move on now.

 

He pissed turned to hurt. He had tears in his eyes. I really didn't feel like budging though. I also didn't enjoy seeing him hurt.. at all. I did feel internal 'awws' -- but differently than before, i felt my heart soften and compassion and felt badly for everything mean i'd said.. BUT i had no desire to budge. I just felt turned off by him the other day and it would't turn back on...He really did turn me off. With just those few swift comments (that i stated in my OP -- like 'look nobody is leaving their spouses" and then ghosting me for a day after we were intimate, i just knew i couldn't go back.. He tried to have a few drinks and awkward conversation but in the end i just said he should leave. It was getting to early hours of the morning and i needed to get to bed. So he left in a mild huff but not too bad, considering im sure he was sexually frustrated beyond imagination.

 

Anyway, today i feel weird. Kind of excited for my life ahead again, relieved. Not even sad, more a little nostalgia for the 'good times' but glad that its ending and i can try to pick up the pieces of me again and heal fully. Time with my girl friends tonight really cemented that i know i dont want this crap anymore. 2.5 years of my life is enough. Too much. Im sure there will come huge waves of withdrawals but im ready for them as i had already started when he went NC 6 weeks ago and again after this mess a few days ago - i finally have the internal resources to just stop this nonsense and put it behind me finally. Onwards and upwards!

 

 

PS -- Privategal after he left i read your thread and have to say it just cemented everything in my mind..Thank you for your gracious share.. it helped me enormously - im so glad i feel this way now and chose that road last night.

Edited March 17, 2016 by Forceawakensme

[13Hearts]

Update (for those who care to read) -- sorry kinda long but helps to get it out. Closure etc.

UPDATE:

 

So MM emailed me from his business trip home and begged to see me. I didn't see the emails as i was out for dinner with two of my very close girlfriends (who know nothing of all this) but i thought since this was the night i was supposed to get with MM i wanted to stay busy. A night of dressing up to nines to hang with the girls would be a good tonic for any sadness. I dont have that email account set up on my phone so i didn't see his email and most definitely was not expecting it after my our ridiculous little sophomoric spat which i lost abysmally . After he landed he called me and said 'im at airport can i please come and see you on the way home -- just to 'talk'. -- I thought about it for a minute.. (i'd had my hair blown out and it looked damn fine so thought, why not just meet him casually like i always look like this when caught unaware lol) .. -- I also did want to apologize for my silly nasty comments. Yes i was angry but i was plain rude and i not feel great about that.

 

He came over to my place. When he arrived he immediately apologized for being a 'tit' and a 'total arse' .. he said 'frankly im appalled at myself but lets be fair it wasn't your finest 24 hours either'.. I agreed but said ' a 'tit' and 'total arse' as you say is pretty on point.. you were rude, arrogant and i was somewhat of a nutjob for a minute there with apparently no impulse control with the email send button... ' --- Lets put it behind us. We laughed about a few others things, then Agreed. He told me i looked absolutely amazing and apologized for looking weathered and smelling questionable after such a long flight. I thanked him and told him not to be self-conscious.

 

He was trying to touch me a bit and i wasn't cold but didn't respond. So, then he says 'so can we go somewhere ie bedroom... (ie he meant for me to go get dressed up in outfit for him-- didn't say it but obviously). I said.. 'im sorry, i can't'. He said 'why?".. i said 'because i really did mean what i said the other day.. i cant do FWB .. " -- He said "but this obviously isn't that.. " -- i said "you say that now because you are horny and want to see me in that outfit".. __ He said 'no i say that now because I love you and havn't stopped thinking about you since the other day.. and our fight pretty much made me miserable". I said 'im sorry.. i really am... i just cant .. "

 

He was pissed. Visably so or extremely disappointed / frustrated / crushed. I said "look i appreciate you saying now you love me but the reality is i saw the other day clear actions and inactions that illustrate otherwise and i cant just "unsee" them" ---"unless i have a lobotomy i cant just change how i feel now based on how you acted, your actions have set up my feelings now and i cant change that' -- and he said "so it means nothing that i am standing here now and saying i love you, i was being an arse and all i want to do is be with you" -- I said 'not nothing, i appreciate it but i just cant be physical with you.. im sorry, i just cant". We didn't discuss friendship or anything i was just clear that there couldn't be a physical relationship with us. I did give him a kiss though sort of a goodbye kiss. I also told him that i will cherish fond memories, let go of bad ones.. but i needed to move on now.

 

He pissed turned to hurt. He had tears in his eyes. I really didn't feel like budging though. I also didn't enjoy seeing him hurt.. at all. I did feel internal 'awws' -- but differently than before, i felt my heart soften and compassion and felt badly for everything mean i'd said.. BUT i had no desire to budge. I just felt turned off by him the other day and it would't turn back on...He really did turn me off. With just those few swift comments (that i stated in my OP -- like 'look nobody is leaving their spouses" and then ghosting me for a day after we were intimate, i just knew i couldn't go back.. He tried to have a few drinks and awkward conversation but in the end i just said he should leave. It was getting to early hours of the morning and i needed to get to bed. So he left in a mild huff but not too bad, considering im sure he was sexually frustrated beyond imagination.

 

Anyway, today i feel weird. Kind of excited for my life ahead again, relieved. Not even sad, more a little nostalgia for the 'good times' but glad that its ending and i can try to pick up the pieces of me again and heal fully. Time with my girl friends tonight really cemented that i know i dont want this crap anymore. 2.5 years of my life is enough. Too much. Im sure there will come huge waves of withdrawals but im ready for them as i had already started when he went NC 6 weeks ago and again after this mess a few days ago - i finally have the internal resources to just stop this nonsense and put it behind me finally. Onwards and upwards!

 

 

PS -- Privategal after he left i read your thread and have to say it just cemented everything in my mind..Thank you for your gracious share.. it helped me enormously - im so glad i feel this way now and chose that road last night.

 

Good for you. I am glad you stuck to your guns. If he was so horny, he can go home to his wife who he is not leaving.

[Forceawakensme]

^^ also to add. Of course it feels good to have my dignity back (although like privategal says in her post =its a long road to that because i have damaged my self-esteem so much being in this A for so long and giving my power away so many times) -- BUT, if im being honest with myself, its not just about winning 'this round' whatsoever... I feel so happy to be done. I want to breath a huge sigh of relief to be out of this crazy toxic cycle.

 

 

I will FOREVER be grateful to the kind posters here.. You guys literally saved my sanity when i was clearly losing it. You gave me tough love, support, shorts of reality and now i can think clearly again. Thank you every person who posted in my thread.

[Popsicle]

Update (for those who care to read) -- sorry kinda long but helps to get it out. Closure etc.

UPDATE:

 

So MM emailed me from his business trip home and begged to see me. I didn't see the emails as i was out for dinner with two of my very close girlfriends (who know nothing of all this) but i thought since this was the night i was supposed to get with MM i wanted to stay busy. A night of dressing up to nines to hang with the girls would be a good tonic for any sadness. I dont have that email account set up on my phone so i didn't see his email and most definitely was not expecting it after my our ridiculous little sophomoric spat which i lost abysmally . After he landed he called me and said 'im at airport can i please come and see you on the way home -- just to 'talk'. -- I thought about it for a minute.. (i'd had my hair blown out and it looked damn fine so thought, why not just meet him casually like i always look like this when caught unaware lol) .. -- I also did want to apologize for my silly nasty comments. Yes i was angry but i was plain rude and i not feel great about that.

 

He came over to my place. When he arrived he immediately apologized for being a 'tit' and a 'total arse' .. he said 'frankly im appalled at myself but lets be fair it wasn't your finest 24 hours either'.. I agreed but said ' a 'tit' and 'total arse' as you say is pretty on point.. you were rude, arrogant and i was somewhat of a nutjob for a minute there with apparently no impulse control with the email send button... ' --- Lets put it behind us. We laughed about a few others things, then Agreed. He told me i looked absolutely amazing and apologized for looking weathered and smelling questionable after such a long flight. I thanked him and told him not to be self-conscious.

 

He was trying to touch me a bit and i wasn't cold but didn't respond. So, then he says 'so can we go somewhere ie bedroom... (ie he meant for me to go get dressed up in outfit for him-- didn't say it but obviously). I said.. 'im sorry, i can't'. He said 'why?".. i said 'because i really did mean what i said the other day.. i cant do FWB .. " -- He said "but this obviously isn't that.. " -- i said "you say that now because you are horny and want to see me in that outfit".. __ He said 'no i say that now because I love you and havn't stopped thinking about you since the other day.. and our fight pretty much made me miserable". I said 'im sorry.. i really am... i just cant .. "

 

He was pissed. Visably so or extremely disappointed / frustrated / crushed. I said "look i appreciate you saying now you love me but the reality is i saw the other day clear actions and inactions that illustrate otherwise and i cant just "unsee" them" ---"unless i have a lobotomy i cant just change how i feel now based on how you acted, your actions have set up my feelings now and i cant change that' -- and he said "so it means nothing that i am standing here now and saying i love you, i was being an arse and all i want to do is be with you" -- I said 'not nothing, i appreciate it but i just cant be physical with you.. im sorry, i just cant". We didn't discuss friendship or anything i was just clear that there couldn't be a physical relationship with us. I did give him a kiss though sort of a goodbye kiss. I also told him that i will cherish fond memories, let go of bad ones.. but i needed to move on now.

 

He pissed turned to hurt. He had tears in his eyes. I really didn't feel like budging though. I also didn't enjoy seeing him hurt.. at all. I did feel internal 'awws' -- but differently than before, i felt my heart soften and compassion and felt badly for everything mean i'd said.. BUT i had no desire to budge. I just felt turned off by him the other day and it would't turn back on...He really did turn me off. With just those few swift comments (that i stated in my OP -- like 'look nobody is leaving their spouses" and then ghosting me for a day after we were intimate, i just knew i couldn't go back.. He tried to have a few drinks and awkward conversation but in the end i just said he should leave. It was getting to early hours of the morning and i needed to get to bed. So he left in a mild huff but not too bad, considering im sure he was sexually frustrated beyond imagination.

 

Anyway, today i feel weird. Kind of excited for my life ahead again, relieved. Not even sad, more a little nostalgia for the 'good times' but glad that its ending and i can try to pick up the pieces of me again and heal fully. Time with my girl friends tonight really cemented that i know i dont want this crap anymore. 2.5 years of my life is enough. Too much. Im sure there will come huge waves of withdrawals but im ready for them as i had already started when he went NC 6 weeks ago and again after this mess a few days ago - i finally have the internal resources to just stop this nonsense and put it behind me finally. Onwards and upwards!

 

 

PS -- Privategal after he left i read your thread and have to say it just cemented everything in my mind..Thank you for your gracious share.. it helped me enormously - im so glad i feel this way now and chose that road last night.

 

lol serves him right.

[Bufo]

Whoever cares the least has the most power.

 

Wow. You stood your ground and look at the good results!

[Forceawakensme]

Whoever cares the least has the most power.

 

Wow. You stood your ground and look at the good results!

 

You were right. Like i said, i dont feel that great for hurting him this time around and 'winning'.

 

But i have to admit that your words did truly resonate with me and i think i'll always apply them to situations like this moving forward in life . Truly, thank you.

Edited March 17, 2016 by Forceawakensme

[Poppy47]

Force

Do you really believe you hurt him or just dented his ego?

 

Maybe you didn't play the familiar game and he doesn't know what to do now?

 

Poppy.

[Forceawakensme]

Force

Do you really believe you hurt him or just dented his ego?

 

Maybe you didn't play the familiar game and he doesn't know what to do now?

 

Poppy.

 

Poppy -- Id say not hurt 'him' as in he truly loves me --obviously he doesn't by how he treated me the other day. I think his ego is hurt though, more than just a dent, at least thats how it appeared by his almost panic / desperation. -- Who knows though? May have just been a extremely sexually pent up and frustrated. As the day goes on im feeling less 'aws' and more 'serves him right for treating me like crap'.

[BuddyX]

Great job standing your ground.

Look, he was looking for a booty call. He said "we need to talk", but when you declined the bedroom that's when he cracked. Actions over Words.

 

Stick to NC

[sandylee1]

Way to go!

 

I'm pretty sure you'd have no trouble bagging a decent single man.. who'd treat you with love and respect...and most of all who wouldn't have to hide you.

[Dancewithme]

Good for you, Force! Standing your ground, with a persistent, horny MM right in your face trying to manipulate you into the bedroom... What a show of strength!

 

You have turned a page in your life. Keep it up! That weird, excited, relieved feeling was the pride in yourself that you feel, and the anticipation of all of the good things life holds for you, now that you have lifted the burden of your A from your spirit.

 

Let that be the last time you see him. Continue with that NC. Enjoy times with the girls, and enjoy living and loving authentically!

[Bufo]

Sandylee is right,although i'd hesitate to call it "bagging":

 

Every minute you're with him or thinking of him you are effectively off the market. Mr Right could simply pass you by because you weren't available. Ask my wife who could tell you that story first hand.

 

Your final scene tells me you are a kind and caring individual. Please don't let him take advantage of those traits you have.

[yodelwithyu]

Wow, I am blown away at how strong you were! And you looked fabulous whilst doing it. Good for you, I am so proud of you!

[ladydesigner]

Omg Force what a great post! You stood up to him and were logical with your answers, his were not

 

Good for you! Good for taking a stand and taking your power back!

 

What an awesome read! May the next part of your life be fabulous!

[jenkins95]

Force, I'm so completely proud of you for conducting yourself like that - you did it perfectly.

 

My star of the day!

 

It's so normal to have blips at the start of NC, it's such a horrible, daunting prospect, but this time I know you will stick to it! I can just feel it, and to come through a trial like that leaves me awestruck with admiration.

 

The rest of your life starts here Force. I wish you nothing but the best. Keep posting! You did it girl!

[privategal]

Sealed with a kiss! LOL

Applause for your strength.

He was so good at a world class performance, playing on every angle of your emotion to get in your pants.

That was a full on ACT.

And you should listen to Rihannas song is it called "take a bow"? You will find the words make you jump for joy after what you just did to him.

Be so so careful of getting weak, nostaligia. Your still in dangerous teritory until you toughen a bit more and send a definate no contact request.

He said...I choose my wife.

In effect, I choose your ego strokes and free sex but your not the ONE.

Your not #2 right?

Your strong and beautiful and valuable and you didnt fall for his lines this time.

His ego is on the floor...where he left your heart many times. Touche.

[loveisanaction]

Reading this was like reading a fiction novel, i cried, i laughed, i got angry, I cried and laughed again and finally...victory.

 

Forceawakensme...I am so very proud of how you handled yourself at the end.

 

When you sent that email to your MM saying you only wanted affection from him because that's how you get off, i was stinking mad at you.

 

The truth of the matter is that EVERYBODY deserves to be loved and everybody deserves to have affection from someone they care about. Geez! You get affection from your dog; you SHOULD expect it from a person you're sleeping with.

 

Your MM is being loved and is receiving affection from his wife.

 

When you told him that you wanted affection (not just sex) he wasn't too happy about it (he was already getting that). He wanted your affair to be based on sex with absolutely no feelings involved whatsoever. So he was getting love from his wife and from you, sex from his wife and from you, affection from his wife and from you and with no future (because he said he wasn’t ever going to leave his wife for you). So what were you getting? Just sex? …Puh-lease!

 

Go find yourself a nice single man and get yourself all of the benefits and perks that come with it. Go get yourself exactly what your MM is getting from his wife and once you get it, i can promise you, anything less will look so unappealing.

Edited March 19, 2016 by loveisanaction

[Forceawakensme]

Thank you again everyone who has posted, it helps me so much.

 

Ok, so update is good. My resolve has only strengthened since the other night, i havn't wavered whatsoever. Im just really done with that A. I dont feel angry (only at myself for staying for so long) but i also dont feel any affectionate feelings toward him, just 'what a messed up guy'... and 'what on earth was i thinking?'....i let him blow hot and cold, ghost me, say some pretty insulting things, break up- make up -- i just went with it all.. forgave him over and over, made excuses for him (i would actually GIVE him excuses.. he didn't even have to think of them himself! "Oh honey, was it because of xyz that you couldn't call me?" -- I kid you not!!!". He had it so good.. -- I have a LOT to work out on myself.

 

 

 

Meanwhile, i am safeguarding this very potentially dangerous period so that i dont get cocky. I feel incredibly safe in not going back BUT this was 2.5 years .. i need to stay viligant. Because although there was a lot of bad stuff there -- obviously i still feasted on the bread crumbs... They must have given me a high that was sufficient enough to keep going back. There was *something* to get addicted to there -- so i need to know it MIGHT come back.. that desire..

 

SO i have written a list of things he did that turned me off and i keep adding to it daily. I re-read it and honestly, its so bad im almost hesitant to post it here lest you all ask me "how could you be a bigger moron to give that guy the time of day after he said *that*?" The good news (for my healing) is i also have a similar line of questioning for myself.

 

Just as an example here are a few things he said over the years:

 

 

 

1. (very formally, almost business like, he sat me down and said - We need to talk about your blow jobs.. i have an issue with what your hands are not doing... Mouth great.. but hands need to be more involved".

 

2. I think you should get your make up colors done. That light pink lipstick does nothing for you. (Bear in mind that i am objectively considerably more attractive than him (and he knows this and says it openly) He is rocking a decent size bald patch at the back, very wobbly mid-section (does not work out), .. everything about him is a solid 5 in looks. --- (i loathe to even say this but to illustrate the situation) I am US size 2, but naturally very curvy.. though im short i get the 'salma hayek' body comments. --- My make-up is fine.. i have been to Mac and had lessons and know how to apply it -- he is the very first person to say something even remotely offensive -- My large group of girlfriends and i are all brutally honest with eachother and they would never let me out of the house with make up faux pas. Whenever i go out i get compliments from random men (and women) on my looks -- he does not. Yet he seemed to always need to give me these little 'helpful hints'.

 

3. On a number of occasions i asked him if the reason he often pulled away was because of guilt. He said "I dont feel the least bit guilty about this -- i know i should.. the reason i go cold or pull away is 100% because im afraid of being caught. Not because of guilt.. I am not sure why i dont feel guilt.. i guess i should.. i just dont".

 

4. I want to own you (and this was not said in the sexy way, just a matter of fact.. i'd like you to be one of my possessions).

 

5. Had trouble getting aroused unless i was wearing one of the outfits -- When he was sober he was fine.. but after a few drinks HAD to have me put on one of the outfits (his fetish) or else he struggled to sustain a decent erection --(at least not without some real work from me). Kissing and touching not enough.

 

6. Wasn't affectionate naturally.. didn't reach out to kiss and touch me.. always me doing it first (though he does have that extreme uncomfortable british thing going on -- think Colin Firth character from Bridget Jones movies) --- STILL--- thats a turn off to me because i was getting nothing.

 

7. Every single gift from him was an 'outfit' -- (albeit expensive and lovely) -- but an outfit in the category of his fetishes.

 

--- Ok so thats it for me for now.. because im starting to think i should check myself into an insane asylum for tolerating this guy for two minutes. Of course he had many good traits too but we're not focussing on those right now, are we: )

Edited March 20, 2016 by Forceawakensme

[Deidre]

I've never been in a situation like this, but I've dated a narcissist before, and this type of thing with a married man sounds similar, in that you need to block their phone number in order to move on. They will continue to keep contact going for as long as they can, and you'll never heal. It can keep going by something as simple as 'hey babe, heard a song today, and thought of you.' And you're back in their game. Block his number, block him everywhere...on social media...everyyyywhere. lol It's the only way out, and you will eventually heal and learn a lot about yourself in the process.

[Forceawakensme]

Oh another one..Helps me to write these.

 

I wrote him an email once it was maximum two paragraphs of about 10 lines each -- not long at all. I know he hates long emails so i kept it (relatively) short -- Anyway, it was emotional and told him how i felt neglected and hurt/ rejected etc. -- He didn't respond for two days. And then didn't refer to the email, when i asked him why not? he said "It gave me a headache to be honest" then laughed.