The bread crumbs are getting stale

[Adoraxx]

I love the list that you posted, Force. Well, I suppose 'love' isn't the right word because : WHAT A HORRIBLE LIST!!!! But I'm glad you posted it because it helps me to realize that I should keep thinking about all the bad stuff too. I'm sure you look gorgeous and how dare he comment on your makeup?!? He probably wanted to make you feel insecure just so he could get more control over you.

 

My xMM was always whining in the end about how my butt had gotten sooo small and how it used to be bigger which is ridiculous because it was always the pretty much the same. I think I've already posted this before, but one day I had enough of it and I commented on his d@ck and asked if it had gotten smaller and that it used to be bigger haha!! He was shocked!

 

I also liked what you wrote here , very interesting:

 

3. On a number of occasions i asked him if the reason he often pulled away was because of guilt. He said "I dont feel the least bit guilty about this -- i know i should.. the reason i go cold or pull away is 100% because im afraid of being caught. Not because of guilt.. I am not sure why i dont feel guilt.. i guess i should.. i just dont".

 

My xMM pulled away very very often too and eventually (if I kept asking because I could tell something was 'off' - I asked: "do you feel guilty? Is that it?" ) he would say that he pulled away because of guilt. But at other times he would say : "I'm afraid of getting caught. I don't want to lose my house and my children and my belongings. I have a good life." Something like that.

 

So perhaps my xMM is like your xMM and he never really felt guilt either but was mostly afraid of GETTING CAUGHT (although when I asked that in the end , he said that he isn't afraid of getting caught but I'm pretty sure that was another lie)

 

Keep adding to your list!!!! :) And post it here

 

Hugs!!

[Adoraxx]

Oh another one..Helps me to write these.

 

I wrote him an email once it was maximum two paragraphs of about 10 lines each -- not long at all. I know he hates long emails so i kept it (relatively) short -- Anyway, it was emotional and told him how i felt neglected and hurt/ rejected etc. -- He didn't respond for two days. And then didn't refer to the email, when i asked him why not? he said "It gave me a headache to be honest" then laughed.

 

Ugh he sounds so much like my xMM!!

I, like you, always tried to keep my emails as short as possible because I felt like he hated long emails!! So I would read my emails over and over and over again and kept making changes before I sent it. And by then the email was very short!!

 

So one day he emailed me (after an ending): "How are you feeling about us now?" And I was stupid enough to send him a reply to that question. I should have ignored it! Anyway, I replied and made sure that my reply wasn't too long and not too emotional but that I still said what I wanted to say (how I don't understand his behavior and all that ---- but very brief and I also tried not to 'attack' him. I also added that I prefer to talk in person and not by email because I was worried that he would misunderstand things in emails)

 

Do you think he responded??? No!!! He said: "We'll talk about it in person some time." But that never happened, he never told me how HE felt about 'us now' (instead I got more of his boring "how are you" emails and "good night" emails --- you know, those very short and uninterested ones) and when I asked him about it, he said that he shouldn't have asked and he doesn't feel like talking about it and "you're always so dramatic".

[Forceawakensme]

I love the list that you posted, Force. Well, I suppose 'love' isn't the right word because : WHAT A HORRIBLE LIST!!!! But I'm glad you posted it because it helps me to realize that I should keep thinking about all the bad stuff too. I'm sure you look gorgeous and how dare he comment on your makeup?!? He probably wanted to make you feel insecure just so he could get more control over you.

 

My xMM was always whining in the end about how my butt had gotten sooo small and how it used to be bigger which is ridiculous because it was always the pretty much the same. I think I've already posted this before, but one day I had enough of it and I commented on his d@ck and asked if it had gotten smaller and that it used to be bigger haha!! He was shocked!

 

I also liked what you wrote here , very interesting:

 

 

 

My xMM pulled away very very often too and eventually (if I kept asking because I could tell something was 'off' - I asked: "do you feel guilty? Is that it?" ) he would say that he pulled away because of guilt. But at other times he would say : "I'm afraid of getting caught. I don't want to lose my house and my children and my belongings. I have a good life." Something like that.

 

So perhaps my xMM is like your xMM and he never really felt guilt either but was mostly afraid of GETTING CAUGHT (although when I asked that in the end , he said that he isn't afraid of getting caught but I'm pretty sure that was another lie)

 

Keep adding to your list!!!! :) And post it here

 

Hugs!!

 

Adoraxx i laughed out loud at your post. Love your comment to him. our MMs sound very similar! I doubt yours felt guilty either.. im sure it was all just fear of getting caught and losing their life.

 

My xMM also did the following:

 

1. Emailed me throughout a weekend away that his wife had organised for his 40th which included all his friends, she had put a lot of effort into it and he emailed me loving things, saying he wishes i was there.. the entire weekend.

 

2. Messaged me on his wedding anniversary to say he missed me beyond words - next day posted a happy anniversary post to his wife with 3 old wedding photos attached saying 'you amaze me every day, darling'. He then sent an apology message to me (knowing that i would have seen it) -- saying 'im sorry i ahd to do it to keep up appearances'.

 

3. Told me once an x'friend got 'fat' .. (a UK size 12)-- I said "would you still fancy me if i went up to that size' -- He actually thought about it and blurted out.. 'hm nope i dont think so' -- THen realized what he said "oh of course.. yes, i would.. " --

 

i mean this guy had MAJOR foot in mouth i think!! -- (either that or he was a master at getting his little nasty digs in and making them look like accidents).

[Forceawakensme]

Ugh he sounds so much like my xMM!!

I, like you, always tried to keep my emails as short as possible because I felt like he hated long emails!! So I would read my emails over and over and over again and kept making changes before I sent it. And by then the email was very short!!

 

So one day he emailed me (after an ending): "How are you feeling about us now?" And I was stupid enough to send him a reply to that question. I should have ignored it! Anyway, I replied and made sure that my reply wasn't too long and not too emotional but that I still said what I wanted to say (how I don't understand his behavior and all that ---- but very brief and I also tried not to 'attack' him. I also added that I prefer to talk in person and not by email because I was worried that he would misunderstand things in emails)

 

Do you think he responded??? No!!! He said: "We'll talk about it in person some time." But that never happened, he never told me how HE felt about 'us now' (instead I got more of his boring "how are you" emails and "good night" emails --- you know, those very short and uninterested ones) and when I asked him about it, he said that he shouldn't have asked and he doesn't feel like talking about it and "you're always so dramatic".

 

Oh mygod -- Adoraxx -- I could have written that!! -- My xMM emails were so short, -- I lived in fear of boring him with my long emails as he once told me he rolled his eyes when opening my emails when they were 'so long'... -- He told me i was dramatic and over-analyzed everything. YET, whenever i acted all cold and unemotive i could tlel he didn't like it.. he'd warm up the affection from his end --so, he obviously wanted it -- he just didn't want to have to respond to it. In person if i said things like 'i care about you' -- he would say 'i hope its more than care'.. .. (yet to get him to say it to ME was pulling teeth).

 

I also told him i didn't like email as things got lost in translation. He refused to do online chat though said it was too risky..Said "we'll talk about it in person" -- . Ha.. so much like your MM! What a pair of tossers! Was yours at least good looking? Mine was 'ok'- My friends who knew him (who had no idea about us would NEVER believe i'd go for him..they all thought he was an awkward dork ) -- I guess i found him awkwardly funny and charming in a weird way and extremely successful/powerful in a way i guess.. i found these qualities attractive --but other than that.. not much there.. He gave me so, so little emotionally.

 

The juice was certainly not worth the squeeze..

Edited March 20, 2016 by Forceawakensme

[Forceawakensme]

Oh adoraxx regarding your butt being the same. My xMM once said 'why did you cut your hair?? it was longer last time i saw you -- (he likes very long hair) -- Thing is, i hadn't cut it, it was at least 2 inches longer.. down to about breast level --

[Adoraxx]

Adoraxx i laughed out loud at your post. Love your comment to him. our MMs sound very similar! I doubt yours felt guilty either.. im sure it was all just fear of getting caught and losing their life.

 

My xMM also did the following:

 

1. Emailed me throughout a weekend away that his wife had organised for his 40th which included all his friends, she had put a lot of effort into it and he emailed me loving things, saying he wishes i was there.. the entire weekend.

 

2. Messaged me on his wedding anniversary to say he missed me beyond words - next day posted a happy anniversary post to his wife with 3 old wedding photos attached saying 'you amaze me every day, darling'. He then sent an apology message to me (knowing that i would have seen it) -- saying 'im sorry i ahd to do it to keep up appearances'.

 

3. Told me once an x'friend got 'fat' .. (a UK size 12)-- I said "would you still fancy me if i went up to that size' -- He actually thought about it and blurted out.. 'hm nope i dont think so' -- THen realized what he said "oh of course.. yes, i would.. " --

 

i mean this guy had MAJOR foot in mouth i think!! -- (either that or he was a master at getting his little nasty digs in and making them look like accidents).

 

My xMM would always say the meanest things to me and then , when I would get upset, he would say: "I was just joking!!! I didn't mean it!! You can't even take a joke, geeeeeez". (For example, one time he was describing to me in a very detailed way how he was going to torture me and how he was going to stick needles in my eyes, and then he laughed and said: "I would be such a good writer!! Ha, imagine my horror book on the shelves in the bookstore!")

 

What you wrote, also reminds me of the time when his W's sister had died. Since he was always saying that he loves her so much, you would think that he would have stayed away from me during that time, but instead he invited me to come to his house on the night that she went to discuss the funeral with her other siblings (I didn't go to his house).

 

And I also told him that I would still love him if he was overweight and he said he wouldn't mind some extra weight on me either (obviously because he thought my butt was too small lol)

 

Oh mygod -- Adoraxx -- I could have written that!! -- My xMM emails were so short, -- I lived in fear of boring him with my long emails as he once told me he rolled his eyes when opening my emails when they were 'so long'... -- He told me i was dramatic and over-analyzed everything. YET, whenever i acted all cold and unemotive i could tlel he didn't like it.. he'd warm up the affection from his end --so, he obviously wanted it -- he just didn't want to have to respond to it. In person if i said things like 'i care about you' -- he would say 'i hope its more than care'.. .. (yet to get him to say it to ME was pulling teeth).

 

I also told him i didn't like email as things got lost in translation. He refused to do online chat though said it was too risky..Said "we'll talk about it in person" -- . Ha.. so much like your MM! What a pair of tossers! Was yours at least good looking? Mine was 'ok'- My friends who knew him (who had no idea about us would NEVER believe i'd go for him..they all thought he was an awkward dork ) -- I guess i found him awkwardly funny and charming in a weird way and extremely successful/powerful in a way i guess.. i found these qualities attractive --but other than that.. not much there.. He gave me so, so little emotionally.

 

The juice was certainly not worth the squeeze..

 

My xMM didn't like it either when I started to act cold towards him (like he did towards me); secretly he must have liked it when I acted all emotional and upset! I remember how he smirked each time I went to him to beg him to act nice to me again!!!

 

And nooooo, he isn't all that good looking at all lol! He is much older than me, he thinks he still lives in the 80's and he probably thinks he's still that age too! My sister calls him a 'mouse face' and he has these really strange little round glasses but somehow to me he was/ is attractive?!? I don't know what it is with that... He was very muscular though.

 

He didn't give me much emotionally either. It always seemed to be about sex, sex and more sex and when I refused to give it to him because I couldn't deal with having an A anymore, he just kept trying to get it from me. He told me I love you in his short emails but he probably only did that because he hoped that I would give in again!!!!

 

p.s I'm sure my xMM rolled his eyes too whenever he saw an email from me that was a little too long!! Ugh I sure don't miss going over every word that I wrote to him.. I was always afraid that I had said something wrong!!

[Adoraxx]

Oh adoraxx regarding your butt being the same. My xMM once said 'why did you cut your hair?? it was longer last time i saw you -- (he likes very long hair) -- Thing is, i hadn't cut it, it was at least 2 inches longer.. down to about breast level --

 

haha that's just so crazy!!! I really think they must have said these weird things to make us insecure and to make us think that we couldn't get anyone else with our 'too short hair' or 'too small butt' lol!!

 

He also dared to comment on my teeth even though they're very straight whereas his aren't straight at all and brown too from all the smoking that he does!!

[Forceawakensme]

haha that's just so crazy!!! I really think they must have said these weird things to make us insecure and to make us think that we couldn't get anyone else with our 'too short hair' or 'too small butt' lol!!

 

He also dared to comment on my teeth even though they're very straight whereas his aren't straight at all and brown too from all the smoking that he does!!

 

LOL 'brown' teeth... honey, im checking you into the looney bin with me -- what on earth were we thinking?! xxx

[Adoraxx]

LOL 'brown' teeth... honey, im checking you into the looney bin with me -- what on earth were we thinking?! xxx

 

LOL!!! Yes... what on earth?!? haha!! xxxx

[lemondrop21]

Oh my. Force, you're doing great, and really coming out of the fog... the items on your list were truly terrible. This is a man who claims to love you?? What kind of "love" is this exactly??

[Forceawakensme]

Oh my. Force, you're doing great, and really coming out of the fog... the items on your list were truly terrible. This is a man who claims to love you?? What kind of "love" is this exactly??

 

I think so LD, how are you doing honey? i need to check your thread for update!

 

I agree.. not any definition of love. I am coming out of the fog and i have him and his insults to thank -- if he'd just kept his mouth shut i think i could have continued to place my deluded projections on him ..made excuses for him.. and continued with my award-winning cognitive dissonance.. But he flashed his big fat narcissism one too many times and the spell was just broken...

[sandylee1]

Force

 

This guy was lucky you even gave him a second glance .... much less gave him 2.5 years of yourself.

 

What I'd love is for you to find a loving guy who sees you as precious ... not this user .... I mean the cheek of him instructing you on BJs.... I'm just thinking a great comeback would have been ...'We need to work on your ability to arouse me, because right now I'm as dry as the Sahara desert'

[Josmatjes]

If I understand this, you tried NC and he "found" a way to get to you. He once more gaslit you, and you fell for it. You met and had intimate relations, then after he got what he wanted he tossed you aside went NC. Now you are mad. Called him until he finally answered to tell him there is a special place for him. In another post you say you gave your husband full disclosure. Does he know this?

Why should your AP be sorry? He got you. He got what he wanted and so did you. Married, 3 kids, not divorced.

You knew what he wanted that's why you broke NC.

Don't blame him it's all on you.

 

I'm trying to help this girl. This post isn't about me. And for the record you are wrong on all counts....

#1 I'm not mad at anyone but myself

#2 I'm separated

#3 this actually happened awhile ago

#4 I'm not blaming anyone

[13Hearts]

Thank you again everyone who has posted, it helps me so much.

 

Ok, so update is good. My resolve has only strengthened since the other night, i havn't wavered whatsoever. Im just really done with that A. I dont feel angry (only at myself for staying for so long) but i also dont feel any affectionate feelings toward him, just 'what a messed up guy'... and 'what on earth was i thinking?'....i let him blow hot and cold, ghost me, say some pretty insulting things, break up- make up -- i just went with it all.. forgave him over and over, made excuses for him (i would actually GIVE him excuses.. he didn't even have to think of them himself! "Oh honey, was it because of xyz that you couldn't call me?" -- I kid you not!!!". He had it so good.. -- I have a LOT to work out on myself.

 

 

 

Meanwhile, i am safeguarding this very potentially dangerous period so that i dont get cocky. I feel incredibly safe in not going back BUT this was 2.5 years .. i need to stay viligant. Because although there was a lot of bad stuff there -- obviously i still feasted on the bread crumbs... They must have given me a high that was sufficient enough to keep going back. There was *something* to get addicted to there -- so i need to know it MIGHT come back.. that desire..

 

SO i have written a list of things he did that turned me off and i keep adding to it daily. I re-read it and honestly, its so bad im almost hesitant to post it here lest you all ask me "how could you be a bigger moron to give that guy the time of day after he said *that*?" The good news (for my healing) is i also have a similar line of questioning for myself.

 

Just as an example here are a few things he said over the years:

 

 

 

1. (very formally, almost business like, he sat me down and said - We need to talk about your blow jobs.. i have an issue with what your hands are not doing... Mouth great.. but hands need to be more involved".

 

2. I think you should get your make up colors done. That light pink lipstick does nothing for you. (Bear in mind that i am objectively considerably more attractive than him (and he knows this and says it openly) He is rocking a decent size bald patch at the back, very wobbly mid-section (does not work out), .. everything about him is a solid 5 in looks. --- (i loathe to even say this but to illustrate the situation) I am US size 2, but naturally very curvy.. though im short i get the 'salma hayek' body comments. --- My make-up is fine.. i have been to Mac and had lessons and know how to apply it -- he is the very first person to say something even remotely offensive -- My large group of girlfriends and i are all brutally honest with eachother and they would never let me out of the house with make up faux pas. Whenever i go out i get compliments from random men (and women) on my looks -- he does not. Yet he seemed to always need to give me these little 'helpful hints'.

 

3. On a number of occasions i asked him if the reason he often pulled away was because of guilt. He said "I dont feel the least bit guilty about this -- i know i should.. the reason i go cold or pull away is 100% because im afraid of being caught. Not because of guilt.. I am not sure why i dont feel guilt.. i guess i should.. i just dont".

 

4. I want to own you (and this was not said in the sexy way, just a matter of fact.. i'd like you to be one of my possessions).

 

5. Had trouble getting aroused unless i was wearing one of the outfits -- When he was sober he was fine.. but after a few drinks HAD to have me put on one of the outfits (his fetish) or else he struggled to sustain a decent erection --(at least not without some real work from me). Kissing and touching not enough.

 

6. Wasn't affectionate naturally.. didn't reach out to kiss and touch me.. always me doing it first (though he does have that extreme uncomfortable british thing going on -- think Colin Firth character from Bridget Jones movies) --- STILL--- thats a turn off to me because i was getting nothing.

 

7. Every single gift from him was an 'outfit' -- (albeit expensive and lovely) -- but an outfit in the category of his fetishes.

 

--- Ok so thats it for me for now.. because im starting to think i should check myself into an insane asylum for tolerating this guy for two minutes. Of course he had many good traits too but we're not focussing on those right now, are we: )

 

He sounds like a few guys I have known. This type says things as though he is your friend, just giving advice or whatnot, but what he is really trying to do is make you feel bad about yourself so that 1) you think he is the only one who would want you and 2) so you do the things he wants you to do, to please him.

 

This kind of thing is so common it sickens me. We women really do need to hold one another up, to combat the effect this kind of guy can have on us. We need to be stronger and have better self-esteem.

 

Glad you've taken off the rose colored glasses and are starting to see this moron for what he truly is.

[13Hearts]

Oh another one..Helps me to write these.

 

I wrote him an email once it was maximum two paragraphs of about 10 lines each -- not long at all. I know he hates long emails so i kept it (relatively) short -- Anyway, it was emotional and told him how i felt neglected and hurt/ rejected etc. -- He didn't respond for two days. And then didn't refer to the email, when i asked him why not? he said "It gave me a headache to be honest" then laughed.

 

Ugh. I think I know this guy. What a prick.

[privategal]

You get so blinded by affairs though.

There's a whirlwind of emotions and so much insecurity and questions then you just get blinded, frozen there.

In a way it makes you a sweeter kinder person to be insulted in those ways and still love.

Its so exciting to see some of you being able to really see through the xmm now. Very cool you are not as smitten. Things like "brown teeth" still laughing.

I feel like if you can get through the hard initial emotional part and just begin to think very matter of fact and with clarity you see...wait...that guy wasnt good for me, he wasnt up to my standards at all and I had a mental lapse!! Ha ha

I know theres pain.

It is so hurtful to end but not impossible to get over if you just stay in that mindset.

Force you are such an inspiration. Lets see how many women he can line up now to play dress up. What a di#k you will prevail and a big hug as your detaching.

Have a bonfire with all the outfits.

That would be fun and I assume really healing.

Edited March 21, 2016 by privategal

[Forceawakensme]

Hi guys!

 

Need some help... Its so easy to dole out advice and remind everyone how full of crap these MM's are.. but i need to put my hand up for some support as my XMM has turned up the heat on his appeals.

 

Before i go on, i know the obvious solution to this was block his email but i've mentioned previously that whenever ive done this its spun me into a panic and ive ended up pursuing him like crazy and losing all my power. This is the first time ive ever felt 'over him' and i didn't go NC, so i dont know.. i figured i was doing it all ok. For some reason i pine and find him far more attractive / rose colored retrospection when hes blocked --- when hes available to me i can remember what a jerk he was.

 

Since my last update of him coming over and me sending him on his way, i havn't seen him. He has been writing me here and there trying to lure me back in and ive barely responded, other than to remind him that im happy to be moving on.

 

SO.. now... and this is so cliche (i know..) but again.. it feels different when its Your own xmm --- "i love you..i miss you beyond words and the idea of us being over depresses me so, so much... I know i never treated you the way you deserve... i just cant face the idea that i cant see you / be near you / be inside of you again. i know you've gone off me.. and i dont blame you but i am obsessed with you.

 

 

So he writes that (the above) --- I KNOW if i saw someonelse post this i'd think 'oh love .. dont fall for this nonsense' --- Why then, do i think.. Gosh maybe he really has changed.. why do i feel the 'awwws' .

 

I know some reminders and pearls from the amazing group on here will set me back straight.

[Foreverago]

A simple: nothing has changed. He hasn't changed. More meaningless-to-reality words like a lot of MM tell their mistresses when the A is over. It's basically in the handbook of ways to be a total selfish toiletwipe. If they respected you, they wouldn't be attempting to drag you back into this position that causes you pain.

[Bufo]

I posted these words on another thread. But I think they are appropriate to your situation

 

Whoever cares the least in a relationship has the most power.

 

Think about what he's demanded/begged from you and then think about who holds the power over the other. Show him some indifference about bj's , mode of dress, etc. once his control freak bubble is burst, going NC will be easier for you.

[Forceawakensme]

excellent -- thank you both -- This is what i needed to hear.

 

I will not be responding or letting this latest email affect me.. i know its straight out of the push-pull book. Ive just always been such a puller in the past, i never gave him a chance and now hes pulling more than ever and i just need to see it for what it is. Him not liking the sex over.

 

Im didn't realize how much of a sucker i am for lovey dovey words -- its quite pathetic. Its not just him, im sure if any man declared some love for me to that extent i'd be all 'aww he loves me!" --- i need to remember this is 99% about meeting his sexual needs. Not going to happen.

 

 

Thank you team xx

[Grey Cloud]

The one thing that just jumped straight out at me from that message was that he can't stand thinking that "he can't be inside of you again". He wants sex. If he said all the lovey dovey stuff without saying that then maybe I would waver too. But he has made it crystal clear that is what is on his mind and what he wants. Plus he wants the ego boost of knowing you would still be with him despite you being cold at the moment. He is being selfish. It's about him and his needs, not yours!

[Lovetoohard]

I agree with Grey 100%. "I can't face the idea that I can't be inside of you again?" Also, "i'm obsessed with you" creeps me out. This man is using for sex and sex alone! It's actually sort of sad that he doesn't even have the decency or tact to couch it more discreetly and delicately. Sickening.

 

Force, what are you doing to move forward with your life? I haven't gone through all of your previous threads/posts so I apologize, but are you a MOW or single OW? You deserve to be with someone who cares about you and isn't just using you for sex and ego boosts.

[Shadowburn]

Hi guys!

 

Need some help... Its so easy to dole out advice and remind everyone how full of crap these MM's are.. but i need to put my hand up for some support as my XMM has turned up the heat on his appeals.

 

Before i go on, i know the obvious solution to this was block his email but i've mentioned previously that whenever ive done this its spun me into a panic and ive ended up pursuing him like crazy and losing all my power. This is the first time ive ever felt 'over him' and i didn't go NC, so i dont know.. i figured i was doing it all ok. For some reason i pine and find him far more attractive / rose colored retrospection when hes blocked --- when hes available to me i can remember what a jerk he was.

 

Since my last update of him coming over and me sending him on his way, i havn't seen him. He has been writing me here and there trying to lure me back in and ive barely responded, other than to remind him that im happy to be moving on.

 

SO.. now... and this is so cliche (i know..) but again.. it feels different when its Your own xmm --- "i love you..i miss you beyond words and the idea of us being over depresses me so, so much... I know i never treated you the way you deserve... i just cant face the idea that i cant see you / be near you / be inside of you again. i know you've gone off me.. and i dont blame you but i am obsessed with you.

 

 

So he writes that (the above) --- I KNOW if i saw someonelse post this i'd think 'oh love .. dont fall for this nonsense' --- Why then, do i think.. Gosh maybe he really has changed.. why do i feel the 'awwws' .

 

I know some reminders and pearls from the amazing group on here will set me back straight.

Force, let me translate his email to you.

 

"Blah, blah, blah....miss.....blah, blah.....being inside of you....blah, blah, blah".

 

Nothing else. You're doing great, please laugh at how ridiculous he is and keep moving on.

Love and hugs!

[seren]

Force, I have no experience of being an OW (I am an xBS), but, one of my very good friends, a beautiful, intelligent, brilliant woman was and I was her safety net to catch her each time she was hurt or let down by the MM she was having an A with.

 

My friend, Abigail, was in this relationship for 15 years, it was fairly open amongst her friends as most believed his lies of him staying with a wife who was terminally ill and he being her carer. What you have written I have heard from her in the early days of their relationship, she would change her look, because he liked her to look a certain way, she would tone down her personality, as she was a strong woman and he liked her more submissive. I watched as he let her down time and time again. He future faked so much even I almost believed him. I kept saying to her, it's his actions not words that matter, but while she would nod and agree and say, things are going to change, he would turn the charm on (he knew what buttons to push) and she would drop anything for him.

 

As the years went by he let her down at some of the most terrible times for her, her grandson died, her father died, he was to be her plus one at her daughter's wedding and he never showed up for one. He made excuses and she believed him. He told her they would be together when he retired, what he did was to walk away, he just dropped her with no contact, I had to do some digging to see if he was alive as she was turning herself inside out in worry.

 

I saw him and his supposedly sick wife one day when I went into town, they were giggling, holding hands and when he saw me he tried steering her out of my sight. I 'bumped' into them, he had to introduce me and I asked if she was feeling well, she looked at me as if I had lost the plot. it was obvious from what she said there was no terminal illness, they had just booked the cruise he had promised my lovely friend.

 

The result of all this is that my beautiful friend killed herself, he couldn't even be bothered to turn up for her funeral. His words were, they had ended things anyway.

 

My point to this post is that please don't hang your hopes on this man, he sounds selfish and a player. Actions matter, words are easy. I see so many women loving these men, future faking is cruel, making someone do this or that is wrong. If someone loves you, they will leave their marriage to be with you, they won't want you to be hidden they should want to shout it out to the world. Few A's result in long term relationships, the few I have seen on here are where the MM has been given an ultimatum. I have read poster's who would and have given the MM the world on a stick, only to find the man (or woman) isn't who they pretend to be. I think they compartmentalise and some wouldn't recognise truth and reality if it hit them with a stick. never be someone's hidden secret. You are all worth so much more.

 

Sorry if this is inappropriate, maybe I am triggering as I was looking through some old pics tonight of me and Abi and I just thought what a damned waste of her love and her life. All for the sake of a man who wanted it all and gave nothing. Take care x

[Forceawakensme]

As usual amazing support.

 

Im happy to report that my moment of 'aww'ness.. has well and truly passed --- I laughed at the 'blah blah i miss being in you blah blah' --- So true!.. He could never fully hide his true intentions with me, they always shone through.. he needs lessons how to be a better player.

 

back to seeing him for what he is. back to being excited that its over. Not feeling any intense feelings at all about this.. (which is good) no anger, no passionate love.. nothing.. just sort of 'eh' --- guess im on my way to true indifference.

 

Again, thanks LS team.