Mom is calling me too much. I really need help people.

[simon22]

Some background info first: I am 26 and have been married for 2 years. My parents live around 1 and a half hours from me. Most of my mom's friends have passed away leaving her no one to talk to except my sister and her own sister. She has a horrible relationship with my dad but they continue to stay married for some reason. She tells me she feel extremely alone and wants someone to talk too. She calls me every day around 7pm and I am at the point to where she annoys me. I have always been the good son, and never got into any trouble or showed agression towards her. I have been annoyed that she calls me everyday, but can't figure out a way to make her stop. I've even thought up some lies where she would think I was gone. I've tried not answering the phone, but she keeps calling. I really need help with this situation, I don't want to hurt her feelings but I believe its putting a strain on my marriage.

 

Thanks for reading.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

1. Don't answer the phone at 7pm if you think it's her

2. Go out so you CAN'T answer the phone

3. Call back when you know she's not available

4. Tell her not to call so much

[simon22]

I have caller-id, so I can see if its her calling. I don't want to lie about going out everynight during that 7o'clock time. I want a way to tell her nicely to stop calling me every night. if its even possible.

[HokeyReligions]

Help her find some other interests. Does she like to do any crafts? Maybe you could commission something from her. Help her join some group activities; find a church that she can join that will visit with her or include her in activities. Make a date with her once a month so she has that to look forward to and you and your wife can plan around that one date.

 

My mother is dying - she hasn't much longer to live. Love your mother and try to help her, don't be afraid to be honest with her either and tell her that you need time with your wife and without so many interruptions and tell her to call you only once or twice a week at most. Tell her you love her and that you know she loves you; -- you will miss her when she's gone.

[tiki]

Ahhh.......hard situation. I wouldn't say anything to her....imagine how bad you'd feel if/when something were to happen to her. You'll never get over yourself and always want that one last call.

 

Tell her that you and the new wife are into something new, like dining out and trying to experience different restaurants, or taking classes, or shopping, whatever. Then really be busy, MAKE YOURSELF BUSY! Then it's legit! Then you can call her back the next day. Hopefully she'll get used to talking to you every other day, then every few...and so on.

 

Act a little busy and tell her you'll call her tomorrow. That you guys are right in the middle of a movie. Just make sure you're not rude at all, she'll pick up on that.

 

Hard sitchie. Just be careful not to do or say anything you'll regret later.

 

Good luck.

[simon22]

She already is actively in a church. Last night, she made comments about my pastor not using the King James Version that really upset me. I of course, told her how i felt but it really doesn't matter. She always says something that pisses me off and I do let her know it everytime.

[New_Wife]

Wow. This is a no-win situ! Perhaps if you tell her that you love her, and that while you will always be there for her - you need to be sure to be there for your wife a bit more too when you get home from work. Maybe compliment her on showing you how to be a devoted spouse and tell her how guilty you feel taking up so much of her time when your wife is waiting for your attention to. Suggest that you two get together twice a month maybe? Meet in the middle somewhere and do lunch or dinner? I'm just throwing ideas out there - I have no practical experience on this topic.

 

Good luck to you, whatever you do!

[TheSouthernChick]

I was in a similar situation when I was 21, newly married, and recently moved hundreds of miles away. My mom was recently divorced, very needy and very unhappy. My husband finally got on the phone with her and said, in a respectful tone, "Mrs. SouthernChick, my wife always gets very upset after you talk. I know you're not happy right now, but she can't help you with that. It tears her up every time you talk. If you can't talk to her without upsetting her, we're not going to accept your calls for a while. You're going to have to take responsibility for solving your own problems."

 

I was astonished, angry, and grateful, all at the same time. It opened her eyes to how she was hurting me. She didn't stop, but she cut it back a *great* deal. And it forced her to face the fact she was being selfish and leaning on me too much during a period of my life that was already stressful for me. And although my own marriage did not last, I will always be grateful that he helped me when I was having trouble saying "no" to my mom. So, below is my similar advice to you.

 

You are not trapped. You have decisions to make:

 

* Do you let the situation go on as is? If so, accept that you are making this a conscious choice. You can continue taking your mom's calls as is.

 

* Do you want to accept her calls but set limits? Set a mental limit on how long you will let the calls go on. (Decide at the beginning of the call how many minutes you can tolerate talking with her, and watch the clock.) You can cut your mom off with a comment like, "Mom, I always enjoy hearing from you. But I'm tired (or I want to spend some time with my wife right now, or whatever). Let's talk again on Sunday. Love you, bye."

 

* Do you duck your mom? This might work, but it is bound to make you feel resentful and hounded, and it will just frustrate and hurt her. Plus, you have to keep hearing the phone ring. Being direct is better, even if it's more painful at first.

 

* Do you talk to your mom directly? This would be best if you could do so on a visit, with you and your sister speaking to her together. Let her know that you welcome her calls, but she needs not to lean on you so much. You don't have to defend the fact that you want her to call less often; just tell her that you believe it would be better for you if she called less often. Suggest that she limit herself to one call her week. (Once she is calling less frequently, you can gradually work on any habits about whining or complaining that she might do.)

 

* Do you try to help your mother indirectly? You could talk to her sister and ask her to help your mom get involved in something else. Or talk to your dad and ask his advice.

 

I hope that this helps you think through the different options you face. Good luck!

 

-- TheSouthernChick

[mizraim]

honestly tell your mom what have you feel and that it sometimes annoys you..

[Haunani]

Doesn't your mom have any friends she can talk with? If your Mom is understanding she won't get upset if you gently explain to her. If you'r mom is controlling and demanding, then you might have a difficult time and she might resent your wife thinking she's the one trying to keep you away from her.

 

If it were my mom, sometimes I let the answering machine take the call, and I'll call back when I have more time, or am more relaxed. Sometimes, I'll send her an email instead saying sorry I couldn't call but.........

 

As long as I'm in touch with her in some form or fashion, she's all good. I feel for you, keep the lines open.

[SexKitten]

maybe you can try telling her that you would prefer to call her at times when you are not busy. tell her you want to be able to talk to her when you're not rushed and would rather pick a time that is more relaxed and conducive to a worthwhile conversation.

 

my grandmother used to do this. it used to drive me crazy until i found out that if no one answered the phone, she would be calling the windex hotline, or pledge, or clorox, just to have someone to talk to. we always answer now, even if we have to cut it short.