Coping with affair triggers and obsessing

[Mrs. John Adams]

So he shares... That's good.

 

My list is not like yours... I work near her home... And we share the same name...chocolate chip ice cream...loving his beautiful smile..

 

I think you just have to live with them. You certainly cannot control them.

 

And then I have my own triggers about my affair..

Last week we drove past his home... And John did much better than I did... I was a puddle of tears.. Nauseated.. Shaking.

 

Yeah.. It was not good.

[Svolk]

Svolk,

 

Triggers, just we don't love them? Triggers are nothing more then reminders of what happened. After 40 plus years, I still get them, but I have learned over the years not to dwell on them. Triggers are less of a problem when you know the whole, or what you want to know, story. When there is no mystery involved. They also are better, if the WS is trying their level best to make up for what they have done. SO the first part to dealing with them is to have a good, WORKING, reconciliation. Hard work on both sides, but so is marriage and life in general.

 

At some point, the WS, is not the main person to handle these things. You need, if you have decided to reconcile, to find a way to work on them yourself. Self sooth as a infant does. They have to learn to do this, and it does take them some time. This does take time for you as well.

 

I do not talk to my wife every time I am reminded she cheated, I only bring it up when it is Jermain to the conversation. It has brought on depression in her, as she has to bear what she did. At some point, a goal of healing, or at least managing, must come to the forefront. We all have bad things in our life, from all parts of our life. Learning how to cope and move on is something that you must learn, and also not use against your spouse. This is not to let them off the hook, but a realization that new experiences and fun times, can be made, but cannot it they are spoiled by the past. No one can stay in a marriage if they are reminded at all time of their past screw ups. In many ways you both need space, and time to heal.

 

Learning how to handle and overcome triggers, and it is different for each person, is part of being tough, and reliant. This is not a bad skill to learn and cultivate, as many bad things happen and need to be dealt with. If you have forgiven your husband, and if he has shown real remorse, and is committed to you and the marriage, I would look at these triggers for what they are. Bad memories of the past you are moving on from. Myself, when I trigger, I remind myself that I have forgiven her, she has been faithful for 40 plus years, and that I do love her. It passes. Sometimes, I go and do a favorite things. SEX!!!, go to the range and shoot a few tin cans, go play with my kids (now grand-kids), or read a good book. Point is, put yourself in control, and not be ruled by the past. This can take time, but it also takes work.

 

From what I read, your husband is working to help, build on this, and do not let this define you or take over your life. Live in the present and look to the future. No matter what life throws at you, this will work if you let it.

 

I wish you luck........

 

Thank you. I do read a lot and go to the gym. I don't try to hurt him or attack him with it. More of saying how i am feeling. No i haven't forgiven him

There's so much involved with it. So many ways he hurt me, risked my health, or childs health (i was pregnant first time he was having unprotected sex)

Its just so much. How do you forgive that?

[heartwhole]

That's tough. Maybe you can't forgive. ???

 

I am not far enough down the road to know if what I'm doing is exactly right, but I just keep facing it until I can make peace with it. I look at from all angles. I honor my feelings. I accept it. Like last night I spoke to WH about my fears that he chose me just because it was too logistically difficult to have a real-life relationship with OW. He explained what I already know -- that he has completely disavowed his feelings and his feelings for me are renewed and lasting. I know that, I really do. But there was a time when he really wanted to be with her. When he slept with her. When he lied to me. Those things really happened. I can't pretend that they didn't. I just have to face them, gently.

 

If you want to reconcile, then you face them together. Each day that passes, if you are doing the emotional work, then you feel the pain less and less, you grow in your love more and more. I think forgiveness is born out of that.

 

Have I forgiven my husband? Yes and no. It depends on the day. It depends on the definition.

[katielee]

The hardest thing to come to terms with is knowing I'd have these triggers married or divorced. So, being its in my life forever, I may as well learn to deal, heal from them. The biggest triggers, the OW, that is something I could change, but I would lose my husband in the process. That part I think is not fair.

I also am triggered by reminders if my AP, mostly disgust, so very glad I will never run into him, or that hubby never will either.

[road]

So he shares... That's good.

 

My list is not like yours... I work near her home... And we share the same name...chocolate chip ice cream...loving his beautiful smile..

 

I think you just have to live with them. You certainly cannot control them.

 

And then I have my own triggers about my affair..

Last week we drove past his home... And John did much better than I did... I was a puddle of tears.. Nauseated.. Shaking.

 

Yeah.. It was not good.

 

 

Why drive past that house?

 

 

Very foolish to create a trigger.

 

 

Another good example why after an affair people need to move far away.

[Mrs. John Adams]

we were going to a store that was on that road.

 

John passes the road every day to work.

 

Real life does happen...you cannot always avoid things.

[mcjordan]

I think honest conversation and empathy are the best ways to deal with triggers.

 

Blanket advice for every person to uproot their family and move cross country is just....unrealistically ridiculous advice. Most blanket advice where you just slip in cookie cutter stuff for every individual is usually not worth a whole lot.

[road]

we were going to a store that was on that road.

 

John passes the road every day to work.

 

Real life does happen...you cannot always avoid things.

 

 

Wouldn't moving make sense after D day?

 

 

I lost a job that effected my life financially big time. I have yet to be financially successful, and not many years left. I would of had a 2nd home near the beach. Been retired with a health benefits and a great pension.

 

 

Any way this job was 1 hour away. To travel from my home through the years it would hurt to drive near that area. It would trigger me about the job that I lost. For 10 years it hurt to see those triggers.

 

 

After 10 years I see those places and do not feel the pain though still sad at the loss.

 

 

Not that was just the loss of financial security. That does not compare to the loss of marital security after an affair.

 

 

This is why I strongly urge people to move far away from where the affair took place. It not only removes the triggers. It also makes resumption of the affair very difficult. It is a win, win move.

[road]

I think honest conversation and empathy are the best ways to deal with triggers.

 

Blanket advice for every person to uproot their family and move cross country is just....unrealistically ridiculous advice. Most blanket advice where you just slip in cookie cutter stuff for every individual is usually not worth a whole lot.

 

 

Ridiculous?

 

 

I have read countless times where the affair restarted because distance was not placed between the WS and the AP.

 

 

Also since when has it been ridiculous to avoid triggers?

 

 

Nothing better at avoiding triggers then a long distance move.

[wmacbride]

OP,

I understand the triggering part, so I'll give a few examples of what worked for me, and maybe they'll help you too.

 

I found that the A really threw me off centre, and part of regaining that was taking back control over my thoughts and feelings. It wasn't always easy though.

 

One thing i found worked was to take triggers and when i could, make new memories. For example, if I knew they had eaten in a restaurant, when we both felt up to it, we went there and had a good time. That way, it didn't belong the the A anymore.

 

It can take a long time, and physical triggers can be especially hard. For me, when that would happen at first, we'd talk about it, but after a while, it didn't happen as often, and when it did, I didn't feel a need to rehash things again. I just wanted to move past the triggering. We came up with a code word so that we could could do something else ( e.g.- if his touching me a certain way triggered, then I'd say the word and he'd do something different) and he woudl know why. After a while, the need to use the word came less and less, and now I almost never have to use it.

 

I know that may sound odd, but it worked for us.

[understand50]

Thank you. I do read a lot and go to the gym. I don't try to hurt him or attack him with it. More of saying how i am feeling. No i haven't forgiven him

There's so much involved with it. So many ways he hurt me, risked my health, or childs health (i was pregnant first time he was having unprotected sex)

Its just so much. How do you forgive that?

 

Svolk,

 

But you have forgiven him. You are still with him. You gifted him a second chance. What you have not done, is forgotten, and when you think about it, the anger of what he did to you and your unborn child rises up. This anger, is OK, you would be a fool, and not normal to not feel it. What he did to you, was really bad. The question is how you deal with this anger. You will never forget what he did. No one ever does. You will always remember, that when you needed him the most he let you down and was selfish, and took care of his own needs and physical desires first.

 

After 40 plus year, I still am angry. After 10 years, I am still angry about her wild overspending. I acknowledge this anger, but I also realize, that I cannot be mad at her all the time. Takes too much energy. It is not fair.... to me. My suggestion, and this works for me, but I do not know if it will for you. All I can do is relate to you is what I do, and hope that it may have some value to you, is I acknowledge my anger, pain and hurt, but put it away and work on the here and now with her. My love for her is intact. In fact, that I love her, makes my anger, both worse, but manageable at the same time. So, I love and work to have a good relationship, but I remember she is not perfect. She has betrayed me, but she has also the mother of my children, has stood by me thick and thin, and is who I want to be with to the end of our lifes.

 

I sense, you love your husband, you love your children, life is better with him. Look to that when you are angry at him for what he did. Remember, you have a right, and it is OK to be angry. Just do not let that be all there is between you and him, and with your child. Remember, along with your anger, you have love for him, and live between the two. If he keeps to the straight and narrow, the anger will grow less. It will never go away, and if he messes up again, and not necessarily infidelity, could be a addiction issue, money, or other things, your anger can, and will, come back full force. Keep that in mind, and do not let the past judge the present.

 

This will get better. If he does the hard work, and if you work as well, it will get better. You both have to want a loving relationship, for it to work.

 

As always, I wish you luck........

[Mrs. John Adams]

Wouldn't moving make sense after D day?

 

 

I lost a job that effected my life financially big time. I have yet to be financially successful, and not many years left. I would of had a 2nd home near the beach. Been retired with a health benefits and a great pension.

 

 

Any way this job was 1 hour away. To travel from my home through the years it would hurt to drive near that area. It would trigger me about the job that I lost. For 10 years it hurt to see those triggers.

 

 

After 10 years I see those places and do not feel the pain though still sad at the loss.

 

 

Not that was just the loss of financial security. That does not compare to the loss of marital security after an affair.

 

 

This is why I strongly urge people to move far away from where the affair took place. It not only removes the triggers. It also makes resumption of the affair very difficult. It is a win, win move.

 

Not everyone has the luxury of moving... Nor do they necessarily want to.

Triggers can happen while watching a commercial on tv ... Should I stop watching tv.

 

Triggers just happen road...

I am really sorry That I have not handled my reconciliation the way you think I should have.

 

But it seems to be working just fine for us.

[mcjordan]

Ridiculous?

 

 

I have read countless times where the affair restarted because distance was not placed between the WS and the AP.

 

 

Also since when has it been ridiculous to avoid triggers?

 

 

Nothing better at avoiding triggers then a long distance move.

 

This is not feasible for everyone, and there is not one expert alive who recommends it as a rule for every case. Avoiding a street makes sense if someone wants to avoid triggers. But so does driving down that street as a way of moving on and not letting the A control any aspect of their lives.

 

There is no such thing as 100% accurate cookie cutter advice.

[Mrs. John Adams]

This is not feasible for everyone, and there is not one expert alive who recommends it as a rule for every case. Avoiding a street makes sense if someone wants to avoid triggers. But so does driving down that street as a way of moving on and not letting the A control any aspect of their lives.

 

There is no such thing as 100% accurate cookie cutter advice.

 

Actually... After we drove down the road to go to a particular store.. Me adams confessed... He did it on purpose to test himself. Like I said... He handled it fine... I fell apart.

 

We have driven down that road many times in the last 33 years... I was ok... He wasn't

 

Why was it different this time?

 

Because I was so overwhelmed with worry for him....

 

Remorse... Yep

 

I was more concerned with his well being than my own... I was so frightened he would trigger and hurt... That my empathy for him took over me.

 

And that is remorse... I totally put myself in his place.

 

Hard to explain... Even harder to understand I suppose unless you have been there.

 

Remorse is a funny creature... It took me so very long to finally get it...

[ShatteredLady]

Mrs Adams.

 

This....

 

"Because I was so overwhelmed with worry for him....

 

Remorse... Yep

 

I was more concerned with his well being than my own... I was so frightened he would trigger and hurt... That my empathy for him took over me."

 

.....Is remorse, empathy & LOVE, REAL TRUE LOVE!

 

This is my burden. Exactly THIS. My H is the WS & I am the BS. I desperately need to say things. I desperately need my H to understand not only the damage but the reassurances that I now need to breathe.

 

How do I say what I need to say without hurting him? Without becoming "Overwhelmed with worry for him". Why are his feelings so much more important to me than my own mental health? How do you love someone & hurt them? Even if they have ripped your heart out

[Mrs. John Adams]

Mrs Adams.

 

This....

 

"Because I was so overwhelmed with worry for him....

 

Remorse... Yep

 

I was more concerned with his well being than my own... I was so frightened he would trigger and hurt... That my empathy for him took over me."

 

.....Is remorse, empathy & LOVE, REAL TRUE LOVE!

 

This is my burden. Exactly THIS. My H is the WS & I am the BS. I desperately need to say things. I desperately need my H to understand not only the damage but the reassurances that I now need to breathe.

 

How do I say what I need to say without hurting him? Without becoming "Overwhelmed with worry for him". Why are his feelings so much more important to me than my own mental health? How do you love someone & hurt them? Even if they have ripped your heart out

 

My Dearest SL,

 

Please understand that it took me a VERY long time to get where I am. Yes...I tried...yes...I have always loved him. But I did not understand what he was looking for...and he could not tell me.

 

I know you have read the book how to help your spouse heal from your affair by linda macdonald...right? and has he read it as well?

 

Read it again...both of you....and then sit down and talk. Talk about the book. You tell him the parts that speak to you...and encourage him to do the same. I REALLY feel...that you have so much to say to him.....that he becomes overwhelmed.

 

Don't try to do it all in one sitting...take your time.....commit to talk every day....

 

open your heart to him....hold his hand...tell him how much you appreciate his talking with you.

 

Mostly remember....it takes TIME....it takes LOVE.....and it takes understanding. I can tell you that...the last thing I wanted was to be judged.

 

 

When John asked me to read that book....he was scared...he did not know how i was going to react. But it spoke to my heart and i saw all the things i had said that were so insensitive....all the things i had done wrong....I remember saying every year....why are you punishing me?

See...it was still about ME.

 

Your husband...is still all about HIM....it has to be about the betrayed...it HAS TO. Until a wayward understands that....they will NEVER understand what they have truly done.

 

so....unfortunately....sometimes the betrayed has to WAIT for that to happen and they even have to GUIDE those waywards like me....

 

I wish there was a magic formula...I wish there was a way to knock a wayward upside of their head and make them instantaneously understand....but there isn't.

[ShatteredLady]

Thank you so much dear Mrs Adams. I've read the book & it SHOUTS to me!!! So very much of it. I'm picking my moment to really talk & explain why I'd like him to read it too.

 

We did 'Love Languages" but I think it was too far in the middle of the whole nightmare. We both wanted EVERYTHING as a huge priority! It was about 6months after it all started but just when I was figuring out that he was being unfaithful. Anyway, I don't think we were in the right place for it.

 

He's also under the huge stress of having a job he hates. A job with no sick pay or vacation pay. The stress of selling, clearing out everything & selling our dream house. We've caught every cold ever since Christmas. Someone is always sick. I'm exhausted. I don't even know how to talk anymore!

 

I'm making excuses!

 

We desperately need a date night alone without the kids but someone's always got a cold or tummy bug!!

 

Ok. I'm scared of his response. I'm already so bloody low I'm not sure how much lower it goes before one completely looses her mind! I need to reschedule all the medical appointments I've had to cancel. Get that out of the way. Write a letter (I'm on version 2699 so far ) & give him the book.

[Mrs. John Adams]

yes...write a letter and give him the book

 

and tell him you love him and you know he is trying.

 

You simply cannot make him defensive....because he will retreat and lash out.

 

Every time john tried...that's exactly what i did...why are you doing this to me? I told you I am sorry....why are you punishing me. What do you want me to do? Why can't you just get over this?

 

See? Every single thing the book says NOT to do....but I did not hear it until i read the book.....and it was like watching myself in the mirror. I saw every single mistake....

 

It truly brought me to my knees....it changed my life.

 

It does not work for everyone...and i understand my heart was so ready.

 

One of the things I want you to stop doing to yourself....is worrying that you might hurt him.

 

It is time for you to begin to think about you...your needs...your wants....your desires...you have been selfless long enough.

 

Make him carry his part of this relationship...your back is broken....it is time for him to carry his responsibility of what he has done. Stop carrying it for him.

 

I honestly am so glad to be proactive instead of reactive. I always needed to FIX it...but I did not know how.

 

TELL him your triggers...TELL him your fears...MAKE HIM HELP YOU!!!

 

and if he refuses...you can go home without him. You can....Take back your power. Stop allowing him to continue to have power over you. I know thats not easy....but I think you are so beaten down....you need a cheerleader in your corner.

 

you know that everyone on loveshack loves you...and will encourage you.

[understand50]

Thank you so much dear Mrs Adams. I've read the book & it SHOUTS to me!!! So very much of it. I'm picking my moment to really talk & explain why I'd like him to read it too.

 

We did 'Love Languages" but I think it was too far in the middle of the whole nightmare. We both wanted EVERYTHING as a huge priority! It was about 6months after it all started but just when I was figuring out that he was being unfaithful. Anyway, I don't think we were in the right place for it.

 

He's also under the huge stress of having a job he hates. A job with no sick pay or vacation pay. The stress of selling, clearing out everything & selling our dream house. We've caught every cold ever since Christmas. Someone is always sick. I'm exhausted. I don't even know how to talk anymore!

 

I'm making excuses!

 

We desperately need a date night alone without the kids but someone's always got a cold or tummy bug!!

 

Ok. I'm scared of his response. I'm already so bloody low I'm not sure how much lower it goes before one completely looses her mind! I need to reschedule all the medical appointments I've had to cancel. Get that out of the way. Write a letter (I'm on version 2699 so far ) & give him the book.

 

Shattered Lady,

 

Most, if not all of life, is just going ahead and doing. There will always be something. Make "date night" a scheduled and on going thing. Be flexible, but commit to you and your husband going out and reconnecting. I think when you ask him, and go ahead and make the arrangements, you will find he is just excited as you for some relief. Just planning and making the arrangements will help you. DO not get low if the first time and date does not work out. Be flexible, look for your chances to be along together.

 

For, us when we started, my wife did not really think we would make this a ongoing thing. That we would do a few dates, and it would just peter out. The fact is kept going, and I insisted we go and do something, really helped. I remember the first time we had to cancel because she was felling sick, and her surprise that next week, I asked, "so what do you want to do this date night?" Later, I started to ask her, to organize a few. Point is, this simple thing made a huge difference in our relationship. I think it will for both of you.

 

So..... Make an effort, plan a night out. Does not have to be expensive. IN fact, the whole goal is to spend time together, and planning expensive things and outing that later cause money issues is to be avoided. Walking in the park, going to a movie, having a picnic. Going some place to watch the sunset, you get the idea. We have just one iron clad rule. No heavy conversation, only things that bring us together. Here is some links with some ideas. There are from a man's point of view, but good ideas in any case.

 

10 Cheap Date Ideas | The Art of Manliness

 

4 Tips for Better Dates | The Art of Manliness

 

As always, I wish you luck.