Can I tell my best friend I hate her husband and don't want to see him again?

[Standard-Fare]

My best friend is someone I've known for over 20 years and is more like a sister to me. It's an important relationship in my life.

 

But I hate her husband. And that's not a knee-jerk reaction formed out of nowhere. It's one I've developed over the course of knowing the guy for eight years. Many other people in my best friend's life feels the same way, though few have dared to broach the topic.

 

Brief examples of the husband's atrocious behavior:

 

- Doesn't work. He hasn't held one job in the eight years I've known him. He makes pretenses of looking for work, but I guess by now we can assume there's some trust fund situation there. Yet instead of doing something cool with that, like starting a business or seeking higher education, he just sits around the house mopey and depressed. Meanwhile my friend works her A*S off.

 

- Holds irrational hatred and grudges toward a high number of people. And once he feels this way about someone, he goes out of his way to not spend time with them; or if he's forced to, acts like a pouty baby while doing so.

He's pulled this routine with at least 60 percent of my best friend's friends and family members, making social get-togethers a nightmare.

 

- Major issues with routines/rituals/control that sharply suggest obsessive compulsive disorder, but he refuses to seek counseling or explore medications for this or his any other very apparent mental health conditions, i.e. depression.

 

These examples are just the tip of the iceberg. Over time this guy has alienated my friend to the point where I'm one of the only people who still voluntarily hangs out with the two of them. But recently I've realized I don't want to waste any more time with this guy. Not only do I not enjoy his company, I consider him a bad person and actively wish for my friend to see the light and get a divorce.

 

While I would never tell my friend these things in such harsh terms, is there a way I can communicate these sentiments to her without nuking our own long-term friendship? For example, would it be reasonable for me to say that I only want to hang out with her in the future, and not her husband?

 

The couple of times people have dared to venture down this conversational path with her, she's broken down into sobs.

[SoleMate]

No, you really shouldn't tell her you hate her husband.

 

And you should try not to hate people for reasons like this, especially when that hatred puts so much pressure on and is so painful for people you care about, namely your friend. No could will come of announcing your hate. Yes, you can quietly avoid him like you can any annoying person, just no need to pre-announce it.

[Standard-Fare]

@Solemate, I've been trying your suggested tactic for years and I think recently I've just reached my tipping point. But since I do want to preserve at least a shred of friendship with my best friend, I can see your point about not expressing these feelings explicitly.

 

What I may do is put my preferred plan into action (only seeing my friend when the husband's not around) without directly stating that intent. If my friend notices and tries to discuss it, I may give her some hints of what's up but I'll avoid letting loose with my true feelings. And of course I'm sure I'll have to make some rare exceptions for special events, etc.

 

Sadly I know this will degrade my friendship with my best friend, but for me there feels like no other option at this point. I simply don't want this man in my life in any way, shape, or form.

[O'Malley]

Limiting your exposure to this guy sounds like the only way to maintain some semblance of the friendship. Just arrange outings with her, preferably outings that the husband wouldn't be interested in. Politely decline any invites where you'd feel that uncomfortable being around him. I'd avoid mentioning how much you dislike him; from the sound of things, that would play right into his hands.

 

It'll be good for her to enjoy some time away from him and out with other people; it might help her gain some perspective. I think you can be supportive of her personally, but you can't let her choices reel you in and cause you that much stress.

Edited March 14, 2016 by O'Malley

[d0nnivain]

I would not tell her but I would always arrange to spend time with her very far away from him. To the extent possible decline invitations when he will be there.

[Standard-Fare]

@O'Malley, I agree that this sounds appropriate.

 

What's become tricky recently is that my friend has sought me out to counsel her on problems with her husband. I'm happy to listen, but each and every story she tells me just cements my hatred of the guy. I always walk a cautious line, giving bland thoughts like "That would make me angry, too," or "I agree what he's doing isn't fair," or encouraging her for the 100th time to have him seek therapy.

 

A couple of her family members have talked to her openly about the problems/conflicts they've had with the husband. My friend has again sought me out as a confidante, and I've offered honest but guarded comments like, "Well, [your husband] can certainly be difficult sometimes..."

 

I never give my honest reaction, which would be to throw my hands up in the air and say, "Well, you married a terrible guy! And these problems aren't going to be resolved unless you take some drastic measures, even if that means separation or divorce."

[preraph]

She broke into sobs because she already knows he's a loser and now she knows everyone is judging her for staying with a loser. So she's humiliated.

 

You certainly have the right to tell her you'd love to see her anytime but not her husband. I'm sure she already knows everyone hates him and knows why. Thing is, he's isolating her from her friends and family by his actions, and he likes that. It's unlikely she's going to say, Honey, I'm going over to my friend's house but you're not invited. She's just at that point going to decide it's not worth the fight and just give you up like she has everyone else. A friend of mine did the same thing. I was worried about her after she stopped contacting me that I called her dad, who said she probably was embarrassed because she was divorcing him. So just the fact I was right, she couldn't have that and ended the friendship despite being away from him. That's how people are sometimes. Anyway, she was never really done because they had kids -- and if your friend has kids, he'll always be in her life.

[Satu]

'Hate' is a very big and ugly word.

 

If you really do 'hate' him, its you that needs help.

[bathtub-row]

I know of someone like that and anytime the guy is invited or involved, I bow out. Your friend should take the hint that her choices about staying with her husband is affecting her other relationships.

 

I'm curious, if you're so close to her, doesn't she ever talk to you about her ridiculous husband? Does she ever say anything about wanting out? I mean, when I'm in a bad relationship, my friends are there for me to talk to.

[basil67]

I agree that you shouldn't actually tell her that you're avoiding him. UNLESS he's been horribly rude to you directly - in which case you have every right to openly draw a line in the sand.

 

I'm also wondering if she's talking to you about the state of the marriage. If you really need an opening for a conversation, this would be it.

[stillafool]

You can spend time with your friend without even seeing him at all. Invite HER to your home to visit, meet for lunch, meet to go shopping, meet for drinks, dinner, movies. There's lots of ways to see your friend without him. As far as what her husband does or doesn't do, just keep that to yourself and mind your own business.

[preraph]

The problem is, unfailingly, boyfriends/husbands like that get mad if they do anything with friends. The one I talked about above, I only saw her one or twice a year because I lived out of town by then, and so when I came to town, we'd make plans, and he'd get stinking drunk just because he knew I was coming and she never had a good time and would worry the whole time and just want to go on home to minimize the collateral damage.

[Standard-Fare]

I'm curious, if you're so close to her, doesn't she ever talk to you about her ridiculous husband? Does she ever say anything about wanting out? I mean, when I'm in a bad relationship, my friends are there for me to talk to.

 

I'm also wondering if she's talking to you about the state of the marriage. If you really need an opening for a conversation, this would be it.

 

As I mentioned in a post you guys might have missed, yes, my friend has talked to me about the problems with her husband. And my responses are always honest, but carefully guarded.

 

I would never say anything harsh, like, "Yeah, well, your husband's a d*ck and everyone hates him." I simply offer her an ear to listen and agree that some of the problems he's causing are unacceptable. And I've repeated ad nauseam that I think he needs therapy and possibly medication.

 

It's a tough position because I know if I reveal the true depth of my dislike for the guy, my friend will shut down and stop telling me things candidly; she'll know that it will only alienate me further from her husband. Obviously, she does want people in her life to be on decent terms with him.

 

If she ever comes to me with the "I'm considering a divorce" talk, I'm not going to jump on the rooftop and cheer, but you better believe I'll actively support her. I'm waiting for that day, but it might never come.

 

What concerns me the most right now is that they're actively planning to have children, and I believe they have a rotten foundation for that. I don't want to watch this become a huge mess in the future. But really, what can I do?

 

And to the poster who questioned my use of the word "hate" - it's not a word I use lightly. In fact, I think this guy is the only person I have ever applied that word to with sincerity. But it really has reached that level for me. It would take a full book for me to give a sense of this guy's issues, but I'm sure that's not helpful or productive here. Bottom line... he sucks.

[ChickiePops]

I hear you..I hate my best friends husband too. And they've been together for 10 years, married for 6, and 2 kids. And they're having problems right now so it's taking all my strength not to encourage her to leave him.

 

But he makes her happy for now..so I help as much as I can and I try to make plans without him.

 

I do feel your pain..but no, you cannot say anything. All that will do is end your friendship.

[whichwayisup]

You make plans to see only her. Have girl time together. Don't bring the real reason up since from past experience it didn't go very well and she got upset.

 

You're can't avoid him forever, somehow you need to make peace with him, accept that your best friend has a husband you don't like and don't let him get a rise out of you. She is enabling his behavior, there's nothing you can do to change that.

 

She is your best friend and you want her in your life forever then just limit the time spent with them as a couple. Only tell her how you feel (even then downplay it) if she asks, don't volunteer that info.

[preraph]

I really hate it that she's bringing children into that mess. It's just a huge mistake. It's not fair to the kids. She probably thinks children will fix him. It will make him worse and highlight his failings more. I'd be tempted to drop her an anonymous note or email or advice under a fake name online to tell her how stupid it is to have kids with someone like that and that it's not fair to the kids.

[Standard-Fare]

I really hate it that she's bringing children into that mess. It's just a huge mistake. It's not fair to the kids. She probably thinks children will fix him. It will make him worse and highlight his failings more. I'd be tempted to drop her an anonymous note or email or advice under a fake name online to tell her how stupid it is to have kids with someone like that and that it's not fair to the kids.

 

I hate it, too, trust me. And you're right, I've actually heard her talk about her hopes that her husband will "become less neurotic" and "take more responsibility" once children are in the picture.

 

It sucks but unfortunately I feel like it's just one of those situations where you have to step back and let people make their own mistakes.

 

An anonymous note would be a really bad idea. We know each other really well - she'd immediately know it was me, even if I tried to disguise my writing style or whatever. And she would not forgive me for the back-handed approach.

[preraph]

So are you the only person she talks to about him, then? Honestly, if so, I'd feel obligated to tell her that children add stress to a marriage and make existing problems worse, not better. I mean, there are ways to talk to someone that doesn't sound like you're attacking them but just saying what others have said or whatever. She's so wrong about that. And now she'll be tied to him for life. People have to make their own mistakes, but this is a big one to stay quiet about if you're her only source of reason.

[AMJ]

As I mentioned in a post you guys might have missed, yes, my friend has talked to me about the problems with her husband. And my responses are always honest, but carefully guarded.

 

I would never say anything harsh, like, "Yeah, well, your husband's a d*ck and everyone hates him." I simply offer her an ear to listen and agree that some of the problems he's causing are unacceptable. And I've repeated ad nauseam that I think he needs therapy and possibly medication.

 

It's a tough position because I know if I reveal the true depth of my dislike for the guy, my friend will shut down and stop telling me things candidly; she'll know that it will only alienate me further from her husband. Obviously, she does want people in her life to be on decent terms with him.

 

If she ever comes to me with the "I'm considering a divorce" talk, I'm not going to jump on the rooftop and cheer, but you better believe I'll actively support her. I'm waiting for that day, but it might never come.

 

What concerns me the most right now is that they're actively planning to have children, and I believe they have a rotten foundation for that. I don't want to watch this become a huge mess in the future. But really, what can I do?

 

This is a tricky situation. It's hard to know what advice to give unless we know more about your friend. I can tell my best friend of 25 years anything- right down to when she got pregnant with a guy she was about to break up with, I said...look, you don't have to keep this baby, obviously I'll support whatever decision you make, but..you have options. My friend appreciates that we can talk about things like that without judgement.

 

If it were me, whenever she opened up about the problems in their marriage, I'd dig deeper and help her connect the dots about her own problems and where they come from. That's the best opportunity to get her to realize what needs to change, is when she opens up about it.

 

If you've given up that she'll ever leave him, and just want to make the most of your friendship, it's not that difficult to say you only want to spend time with just the two of you, without him. You can give her that impression indirectly, by always being "busy" whenever she invites you to see both of them. But then you respond by inviting her to do things where it's clearly just a ladies' night and it would be weird if he tagged along. Eventually she'll get the picture.

 

My brother and his best friend had a falling out last year because his buddies' wife is a huge B and no one likes her, but my brother was dumb and blurted it out one night. It's completely ruined their friendship, and that's really sad. Don't make the same mistake!

[Standard-Fare]

So are you the only person she talks to about him, then? Honestly, if so, I'd feel obligated to tell her that children add stress to a marriage and make existing problems worse, not better. I mean, there are ways to talk to someone that doesn't sound like you're attacking them but just saying what others have said or whatever. She's so wrong about that. And now she'll be tied to him for life. People have to make their own mistakes, but this is a big one to stay quiet about if you're her only source of reason.

 

I'm not sure how/if she confides in other people about her husband. She does have a therapist, who I hope is warning her about these kinds of things.

 

As I've mentioned, a couple other people have had direct talks with her about her husband -- like, basically calling him out on being a d*ck -- and those haven't gone over well. They resulted in sobbing.

 

Personally I feel like I've said as much as I can say without venturing into the potential "I might lose my best friend" zone.

[darkmoon]

who does she prefer? you or the husband? if she loves him, you will have to go, just for a while maybe

[Phoenician]

OP ,

 

you are indulging yourself in something that is none of your business.

let's say he is a great guy to her ; would you love him ?

 

 

Hate and love are big words ; you should be either confortable or unconfortable ;

 

if you have anything beyond this , it is you who needs help .

 

it is her life , you are allowed to share a part that is not intersecting with her family .

 

that's my two cents .

[preraph]

Depends what type therapist it is whether they even give any advice. A common type just lets the person talk and hopes they start understanding what's messed up from listening to themself. Those are not really good for immediate life skill needs.

 

I'm not sure how/if she confides in other people about her husband. She does have a therapist, who I hope is warning her about these kinds of things.

 

As I've mentioned, a couple other people have had direct talks with her about her husband -- like, basically calling him out on being a d*ck -- and those haven't gone over well. They resulted in sobbing.

 

Personally I feel like I've said as much as I can say without venturing into the potential "I might lose my best friend" zone.