Imran Posted March 14, 2016 Share Posted March 14, 2016 Dear Friends, My life has become hell and I feel lost without any emotional connection with people around me. I am writing this as I have no one to offer personal advice regarding my lovelife. I am sharing whatever I feel and require assistance from the group members to help me select the right path. Around last year a girl (lets call her Roma) added me on FB. She looked cute in her pics and we started talking to each other. We spoke for around 1 month on phone and in a short duration we had built a good friendly relation. We spoke about each others offices and our daily lives. We had become good friends. She lived in Jaipur (rajasthan). In last Dec I had to go for company business to Jaipur. I spoke to her about living together in hotel for a few days. She immediately agreed. I booked the hotel and after my company's work was over we lived together in the hotel for 8 days. The relationship that time was more of physical than emotional. Inspite of having physical relationship we hardly spoke about each others lives, ambitions, dreams, and we hardly spoke about love for each other. In the entire trip none of us expressed any love towards the other. Then I cam back from the trip. I felt that the girl did not love me and just wanted to have a casual relation with me. Then within a few months due to pressure from my family and lack of any feeling of love with the girl I agreed for engagement with a separate girl arranged by my parents. Even when I was engaged, me and Roma continued to meet and have physical relationship. Due to some family dispute my engagement broke off in a few months. I used to talk with Roma and told her about it. She felt bad but did not utter a single word to passify me. We had sort of an emotionless relationship for 1.5 years where none of us said to each other about love. Now my parents are looking for another girl for me. I spoke with Roma few times and expressed this feeling that I never felt love from her side. She cried and told me that she loved me all along but was never able to express it. She never held my hand, never took care of me and never uttered anything about marriage. I am feeling confused about this girl. Within 1.5 month of talking on phone she agreed to get physical with me. I felt no love from her side during our relationship. When I expressed this to her, and the fact that I did not feel any love from her side, she suddenly started being too loving and caring. I cannot forget the fact that she agreed to be in a relationship with a guy who was engaged and she knew that we were not going to be married. I have a doubt regarding the character and loyalty of the girl who may be coerced easily into doing anything without respect for herself or her family. Now when she says suddenly that she loves me, I feel that she is doing such a thing in desperation. I am not able to decide whether I should continue any relation with this girl or part ways with her once and for all. Thank you for the patience to listen to me. Please help me guys. I need some honest advice. Reply awaited 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted March 14, 2016 Share Posted March 14, 2016 Trust your gut feeling. People sometimes lie, but your gut feeling never lies. Link to post Share on other sites
heartwhole Posted March 14, 2016 Share Posted March 14, 2016 I'm glad that you did not marry your ex-fiancee since you were cheating on her. She deserved better. Do you see the double standard that you are wary of Roma's character and loyalty when you also agreed to and sought out meaningless sex, even when you were engaged to be married to someone else? It sounds like you two are well-matched in character and loyalty. If you want a wife who makes better choices, I suggest you be a man who does so as well. As for whether or not to pursue her further, only you can decide if she is a person you could spend your life with. Of course I am viewing your actions through the lens of my cultural norms. Yours are different. The old trope of the Madonna-whore complex is still alive and well. So if you want to say that Roma is damaged goods because she was willing to have a relationship with you, that's up to you. But do I think she will be coerced easily into doing anything without respect for you once you are married? I doubt it. I think she just has low self-esteem and doesn't know how to express herself. Just remember, you are equally responsible for having a strictly physical relationship with her without respect for yourself or your family. You alone were responsible for your commitment to your ex-fiancee. I recommend that you look at yourself before you worry about her motives and trustworthiness. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted March 15, 2016 Share Posted March 15, 2016 Why didn't you tell Roma you loved her? You want to hear it from her..but you are not willing to say it yourself. Many times women want to hear a man say 'I love you' first. I also agree that you are judging her character...but ignoring your own. You are expecting a higher standard and casting doubt about her getting physical with you..but you have done the very same thing. STOP the double standard. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Imran Posted March 16, 2016 Author Share Posted March 16, 2016 Thank you so much heartwhole, Satu & Sandy. I thought about it and you are right, I was playing double standard and probably suffering from Madonna-Whore. I realised my mistake and discussed my thoughts with Roma. Last night I proposed to her and she said she has always wanted to hear it from me. Thanks so much guys Link to post Share on other sites
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