Going to tell his wife

[awomansworth]

Tell his wife.

 

Those poor wee children she's bringing up? They need a stand up Father with moral fortitude, reliability and consistency. I doubt very much that's what they're getting from a man with such a contemptuous disregard for the welfare and security of his family.

 

This one is a particularly vile breed of a******...disgustingly so.

 

What a horrid thing for you to discover, I'm so sorry you've been subjected to it and equally sorry for his wife.

 

This is another reason why I think she should know. She's constantly praising him as a husband and an amazing father who is the perfect role model for their kids. How lucky she is to have him in her life, how they are made for each other, have the same heart and unfailing loyalty.

 

I don't even have the words to describe how wrong all of this is.

[Midwestmissy]

As a bs, I don't care what anyone's motivation had been for telling me, I just wish I'd been told. The other bh knew and didn't tell me - his wife was cheating with her boss, my wh, why he was ok with her working with him is beyond me - and I was so angry at him when he told me he knew. Knowledge is power, and it's not a great feeling that strangers know important facts about YOUR marriage. Oh, and diseases, dear lord.

 

Trust me, his lying to her is more hurtful than your truth. I'm sorry you're going through this, I admire you kicking him to the curb.

[awomansworth]

No,no.

Don't take this on yourself. Do not blame yourself.

You are just a normal person, you can not and should not be playing detective,checking up,cross refrencing and tracking down your boyfriend.

You had the great misfortune of colliding with a cold hearted,manipulative liar.

The reason these master con men succeed is because they are smart, charming,fun,loving. If they were dumb,tbey wouldnt be able to pull this off.

I bet he has had years of practice at lying and manipulating while appearing to be that great guy everyone likes.

Do not take the blame here.

You are a victim of an emotional con scheme.

Place the blame where it belongs: on him

 

I am trying, but it's hard not to feel like there is something wrong with me for not seeing things as they are. When I first found out I was so angry and placed all of the blame on him, but now that it has sank in I keep wondering where I fell short. Maybe trusted too much. Loved too much. Was blind. All of that.

 

Thank you for the support. I will keep all of that in my mind. I can't wait until this feeling of self-blame subsides.

[awomansworth]

Just a thought, remember getting in trouble as a child and being told you were going to pay the price later? Waiting for the punishment was worse than the punishment? Maybe let him sweat a little before you do it. I think the wife deserves to know, I just hate that her world is going to blow up. Wouldn't wish that on anyone. Do it for the right reasons though. She'll be a lot more hurt than he will because obviously he doesn't really give a damn about anyone but himself. Very sad situation all the way around. Good luck!

 

What do you mean make him sweat? Hint that I'm going to tell her and make him worry?

[awomansworth]

As a bs, I don't care what anyone's motivation had been for telling me, I just wish I'd been told. The other bh knew and didn't tell me - his wife was cheating with her boss, my wh, why he was ok with her working with him is beyond me - and I was so angry at him when he told me he knew. Knowledge is power, and it's not a great feeling that strangers know important facts about YOUR marriage. Oh, and diseases, dear lord.

 

Trust me, his lying to her is more hurtful than your truth. I'm sorry you're going through this, I admire you kicking him to the curb.

 

Thank you so much for the perspective as a BS. That was so terrible of them and incredibly unfair to you.

 

You are so right - I am a stranger who knows more about her marriage than she does. Feeling like I just got hit with a bus again.

 

I do believe that his lies to her are more hurtful than my truth. I haven't been able to shake that feeling either.

 

Thank you again.

[Josmatjes]

Just a thought, remember getting in trouble as a child and being told you were going to pay the price later? Waiting for the punishment was worse than the punishment? Maybe let him sweat a little before you do it. I think the wife deserves to know, I just hate that her world is going to blow up. Wouldn't wish that on anyone. Do it for the right reasons though. She'll be a lot more hurt than he will because obviously he doesn't really give a damn about anyone but himself. Very sad situation all the way around. Good luck!

 

You can't give him time or hell cover all his tracks and get everything in order and may even set the stage with his wife that he met someone who wants to be w him and is now threatening him! Don't give him that chance!!

[lemondrop21]

You didn't ever go to his place? Were you long distance? I'm still confused about how you didn't know for a year. What a master trickster this one was. That is awful. I'm so sorry.

 

I would probably tell his wife. Everyone here is saying that you need to be sure revenge is not a motive but in this case, how can it not be one of your motives? How can you not want revenge on someone who pulled the wool over your eyes for an entire year? Wanting revenge is human nature when we've been so severely wronged. I'm not saying it's the most noble of emotions but it's very real.

 

So, given that the desire for revenge will be there no matter what, just make sure it's not your PRIMARY motive. Primary motive is letting her know the truth. It sounds like you are there.

 

To the other posters - I find it interesting that in this case, most of us are so adament that OW tell the wife, while in cases where the OW knows he's married, most of us are very much against telling her. Is the idea that OW's intentions can never be pure in the latter case, because she's a co-conspirator? just curious to hear thoughts on this.

[yodelwithyu]

I understand the whole not wanting to blow up someone’s life and cause her pain. But you are not causing it, he did. And who knows how many other times he has done it before or will do it again? I say now that I should have told her, but seriously, how do you even start a conversation like that? I know I would have been really scared and uncomfortable.

 

And yes, please to expect a lot of backlash from the W. She may or may not be receptive. Like I said, have proof. If you really didn’t know he was married and you loved him, I am sure you have texts/emails that show your change in attitude or responses. So even if he tried to paint you as some willy sl**ty minx, he can’t do that. If anyone I know saw the texts I sent the day I found out, most people would not believe it was me speaking, as I do swear a lot, but not AT people. NOT like that. And of course he apologized profusely. I would not take his calls or reply, so everything was on text. BUT, even if you have all of that, the W is still going to be hurt. Just like you are. So you don’t know how she will react towards you. And as for what she chooses to do with him or their family, it really shouldn’t be your concern. I think if our DDays hadn’t been so close to each other, I would have told her because she needs to know who she shares her life and bed with.

 

I have read a lot of threads where OWs are warned not to expose the affair out of revenge, like after they get dumped. For the record, while I understand the sentiment, if I were a BS I would want to know no matter what. If I was a committed partner/W and a dumped OW told me to get revenge on my partner/H, I would think she is as scummy as him for only telling me as revenge, but I would still like to know that I was living a lie and who I am with. My point being, whether it is a bunny boiler OW, and vengeful OW, an OW wanted to force a DDay to have him to herself or an unwitting OW, I would like to know, regardless of their motives to tell me. My opinions of them would vary and they would get very different words from me, but they would all just be telling me the same thing…that the person I am with is not who I think he is. He might have STDs or other diseases, might lie about other aspects of life and is just a generally selfish, sh**ty guy. All things I would want to know if I am in a serious relationship or marriage. Especially if I was considering a baby or a new house. Jeez, can you imagine that she finds out about the next one, but now has more reason to have to try and work it out with him because of more complications?

 

Take care and protect yourself. And be kind to yourself also. It has only been a week, and I hate to tell you that the storm has only just begun. But you got here much before I did, so hopefully we can all try and help you along!

 

Xoxo

Edited March 14, 2016 by yodelwithyu

[awomansworth]

What if, in some twisted turn of events, she actually already knew? And that's why she's making the whole world think they have the perfect marriage? I know people who create a very happy image of their lives online, but in real life they're some of the unhappiest and most unfulfilled people I know.

 

Do most BS typically know or at least have suspicions? I want to be prepared for that too.

[yodelwithyu]

What if, in some twisted turn of events, she actually already knew? And that's why she's making the whole world think they have the perfect marriage? I know people who create a very happy image of their lives online, but in real life they're some of the unhappiest and most unfulfilled people I know.

 

Do most BS typically know or at least have suspicions? I want to be prepared for that too.

 

That doesn't really matter anyway. Then you say, ok, just making sure you have all the facts. Then you walk away and you never EVER look back.

 

And if she DOES know, and the exMM suggests to try some "arrangement," I will personally send you a ticket to fly to my home country, because it is far away from pretty much everywhere. Or I will come where you are and bring you here myself.

[awomansworth]

You didn't ever go to his place? Were you long distance? I'm still confused about how you didn't know for a year. What a master trickster this one was. That is awful. I'm so sorry.

 

I would probably tell his wife. Everyone here is saying that you need to be sure revenge is not a motive but in this case, how can it not be one of your motives? How can you not want revenge on someone who pulled the wool over your eyes for an entire year? Wanting revenge is human nature when we've been so severely wronged. I'm not saying it's the most noble of emotions but it's very real.

 

So, given that the desire for revenge will be there no matter what, just make sure it's not your PRIMARY motive. Primary motive is letting her know the truth. It sounds like you are there.

 

To the other posters - I find it interesting that in this case, most of us are so adament that OW tell the wife, while in cases where the OW knows he's married, most of us are very much against telling her. Is the idea that OW's intentions can never be pure in the latter case, because she's a co-conspirator? just curious to hear thoughts on this.

 

I'd say my motives are 40/60, but the pendulum is swinging. But I agree. How could revenge NOT be part of my motives? Anyone in my position would feel so wronged by this.

 

I've been to his place. Just not the same house his family was living in apparently. I and his work are here in LA and their house is in the San Diego area. I haven't thought about the logistics of how he did it.

[ShatteredLady]

I'm a bs. I WOULD want you to tell me.

 

Once they have a mortgage she's got half of that debt! Planning another baby?!? That's the one that hits me hardest. (I don't know if you know this) When you're pregnant they test for STD's & anything else that could hurt the baby.

 

My friend was pregnant with twins when she discovered that her H was cheating. She nearly lost the babies! You dumping him has likely sent him out hunting for replacements.

Her H was her one & only sexual partner. Imagine being pregnant & finding out you have STD's?!?

 

Many BS's with children don't instantly throw the cheat out. That doesn't mean that they don't change the plans for their life. There are BS's who need to do some long term planning to support their kids & themselves.

 

She NEEDs the knowledge to protect herself AND stop making a fool of herself declaring to the world what a fantastic H she has. I know! She might not thank you in the moment but this effects the rest of her & her families life.

 

She will (eventually) be relieved to have the information sooner rather than later. Please don't let her make HUGE, life changing decisions based on cruel lies.

 

You're a strong, brave lady for walking away. THANK YOU

 

Most BS's are completely blindsided come d-day. I had a feeling that things were 'off', something was very wrong but I was blaming & hating myself. It was brutal. I nearly lost my mind. It was actually a weird kind of relief knowing. Check my very first thread. Would you want to be me when I didn't know?

Edited March 14, 2016 by ShatteredLady

[whichwayisup]

I recently found out that I am the other woman. Via Facebook, of course. I'm still trying to process all the hurt and anger from it, but I have decided that I want to tell his wife, sometime this week.

 

Yes, there are reasons like, she deserves to know, her physical health and did I mention they are about to close on a new house??? And she's (they're??) planning on having another baby???

 

I admit my reasons are also selfish. I'm going to be really honest here: I want to punish him. He does not know that I know as much as I do. So when I found out, he still lied to me about it all, making things infinitely worse. I feel so wronged. Cheated. Violated.

 

At the same time, I don't want to hurt her or ruin her happiness. She's always posting about how happy she is and how much she loves him and their kids. They have a 10 year old and 2 yr old. I don't want to tear their family apart. She deserves to know. She doesn't deserve to be hurt. As a woman, I'd want to know.

 

Looking for support and thoughts please. Thank you.

 

You had no thoughts of telling her that her husband is a cheater and a liar while you were having an affair with him and now you find out there's another OW and feel his wife should know? For punishment, revenge, so you'll feel better so he will suffer and lose everything? Are you hoping she'll kick him out and then he'll be yours? Not sure of your angle here, what you hope to happen.

 

Also, why you are looking at her facebook page so much?

[Midwestmissy]

I suspected something (I thought it was financial, having met her she was the last person I thought he'd be sleeping with) but there was always plausible denial. Does that make me stupid? Does you not knowing he had a family make you stupid? Nope. When Hope meets Manipulator, there's all kinds of room for lies and those denials.

 

With that in mind, know that he's already spinning a grand story for her in case you contact her. Think about what he got away with! Never mentioning children he has seems borderline sociopathic - who denies the existence if kids? Don't tell him you're contacting her. It's never a good time for bad news, but it's always a good time for the truth. have proof.

[elaine567]

She NEEDs the knowledge to protect herself AND stop making a fool of herself declaring to the world what a fantastic H she has.

 

I thought about that. It does seem a bit excessive - breakfast in bed...

Perhaps she already knows about his cheating ways and is making a big show of her marriage on FB to tell the OW(s) out there he is hers, and to back off.. the OP may not be his first outing away from home...

[LivingWaterPlease]

Very recently - Thursday last week.

 

How long have the two of you dated?

[whichwayisup]

Thank you. He is definitely good at covering his tracks. I was cursing social media when I found out, but now I am thankful for it because me stumbling upon her FB was the one thing he didn't consider.

 

The outcome doesn't really matter to me, only in that I worry about the kids. Whether she leaves him or not, his infidelity stays no matter what.

 

I just know he would never tell her. Another reason I want to punish him. He would never, ever come clean about it. To me, it's, if you don't tell her I will.

 

The kids didn't seem much of a concern to you while you were having an affair with him. You and he took a big chance and she could have found out at anytime, yet you continued on until you found out he lied to you as well.

 

Glad you're taking the time to really think about this. The fallout is going to be huge and if you do tell her, you have to own your part in all this. Can't put it all on him - Or were you just going to tell her about the other OW and not your A with him? Own it and apologize for helping him hurt and betray her.

 

If you don't care what the outcome is, why bother telling her? Just giving you more to think about... Seems you just want him to suffer consequences and fallout - But those kids and her possible pregnancy (if she is pregnant now) are at risk for unpleasant changes and having their worlds turned upside down. It really shouldn't be up to you to take matters into your own hands after the fact. Good you ended your A with him but if there was no OW, you'd still be having an with him, right? Please be honest with yourself...

 

No thoughts of telling while you having the A, you found out about another affair and now feel he needs to suffer. Are you going to mention this to his wife as well?

[Midwestmissy]

I doubt she knows. Maybe things are rocky or not making sense and she's trying to put up a good front. Man, I've been there. It's like the wishing will make it so. He may be one of those cheaters who's behaviour never changes and he treats her like a queen at home while denying her existence to other women. He sounds horrifying. He sounds like a convincing charmer.

[yodelwithyu]

You had no thoughts of telling her that her husband is a cheater and a liar while you were having an affair with him and now you find out there's another OW and feel his wife should know? For punishment, revenge, so you'll feel better so he will suffer and lose everything? Are you hoping she'll kick him out and then he'll be yours? Not sure of your angle here, what you hope to happen.

 

Also, why you are looking at her facebook page so much?

 

She didn't know he was married. There is no other OW that she knows of. She is looking at the W's Facebook page to try and figure out what just happened in her life (that is how she found out her supposed BF is someone's H). Also, kind of the same reasons GFs and Ws look at OW Facebook pages. Hurt, shock, curiosity, disbelief, betrayal and all the other reasons BSs will state.

[Midwestmissy]

Which way - the op didn't know he was married until Thursday. She didn't know she was the ow, she thought she was in an exclusive relationship. She ended it because she found out about the wife and family.

[ChickiePops]

I don't have anything to add that hasn't already been said but I do want to say how admirable your actions have been thus far. Also you have NOT done anything wrong here. This is VERY different from knowingly dating or sleeping with a married man, and the fact that you had the strength to leave after a year long relationship is amazing. You are a strong lady!

 

That said, I agree that she deserves to know. Whatever your motives are in this particular case, she definitely needs to know before they bring another child into that sham of a marriage. For all you know, he could have a new girlfriend by now, or several. He could be bringing STDs into his house.

 

Please be gentle though. The OW in my case was not, to say the very least. Truth be told though, I don't even think of you as an OW. I know you identify as one but you don't have to.

[PickledHead]

I think I would tell her but I would be mindful as to how I worded it.

 

As a BS one of the things I could never get over was the thought of the OW knowing my business, my life, details of my child and all of my flaws. If you word it right an make it clear you had no idea then she won't have that element to deal with also.

 

Granted it's still going to hurt her and change her life one way or another but she won't have the added embarrassment of thinking you were in on it together.

 

Whilst my main reason for telling her would be revenge, she has done nothing wrong and so don't let any anger be directed at her (it could be easy to do in the heat of the moment). She either already knows in which case it's not going to be a shock or she is completely oblivious and could probably do with knowing prior to getting herself into a mortgage and another child with someone she clearly doesn't know. i wouldn't read too much into the Facebook posts - if I was having breakfast in bed with someone I was madly in love with the last thing I would do is pull out my phone to tell the world! That could just be me tho

 

Make sure you have proof - saying that, you randomly being on her Facebook blocked list could give you a bit of back up.

[13Hearts]

I am generally against telling the BS. But in this case, because you are not doing it to try to get her to kick him out, but doing it because she deserves to know, I agree with you. Especially if her husband is going around having unprotected sex with others and possibly exposing her to STDs!

[Poppy47]

You had no thoughts of telling her that her husband is a cheater and a liar while you were having an affair with him and now you find out there's another OW and feel his wife should know? For punishment, revenge, so you'll feel better so he will suffer and lose everything? Are you hoping she'll kick him out and then he'll be yours? Not sure of your angle here, what you hope to happen.

 

Also, why you are looking at her facebook page so much?

 

She only found out a week ago that SHE is the OW and stopped seeing him immediately.

 

POppy

[HereNorThere]

Sure, we all have revenge fantasies when someone betrays us and I think that's only natural, but it doesn't sound like you are coming from a malicious place.

 

When you saw on Facebook that she was about to get herself even more trouble with this loser, you had compassion for her. You knew how you would feel if you were in her position and wanted to make sure that she was okay. That's empathy and I think it's AWESOME that you care about a stranger. If you can work in a little revenge AND help another victim, that's even better.

 

Thanks for posting, OP. It's posters like you that restore my faith in humanity. Thank you for doing the right thing. Thank you for treating others as you would yourself. You obviously wanted to know the truth, so why would his wife be any different?

 

And the poster that told you to make him "sweat" is just plain wrong. First off, don't make this about torturing him. Make it about protecting your fellow woman from a predator. Second, threatening him will only make you look crazy and he will most certainly use that against you when he's defending himself. Third, you're only giving him a chance to cover more tracks. He needs to be caught off-guard so that he doesn't have time to come up with believable stories.

 

Good luck, OP. Please take time to read the faithful posters threads and rid yourself of the label of OW. Being an OW is a purposeful choice to hurt multiple relationships, people, children, childhoods, those children's future relationships, your own future relationships, etc. It's a purposeful choice to violate the rights of others and emotionally abuse anyone that gets in the way of your fun. You made none of those choices. You would not purposely hurt children and break up their homes. You are a victim just as much as his wife is. Thank you for protecting more innocent people and being a good person.

 

I PROMISE you that one day you find someone worthy of your loyalty and principles. I can tell you firsthand, nothing would be more attractive to me than meeting a woman who stood up for what they believed in like you are. It will be tangible proof to every future date that you believe in honesty, integrity and loyalty. Most of dream of finding someone like you.

Edited March 14, 2016 by HereNorThere