stillafool Posted March 16, 2016 Share Posted March 16, 2016 And my bet, regarding the OP's situation is that the wife will stay. Being PG and having little kids, it's likely. That's completely her decision but at least she will know the truth. OP doesn't care if she stays or not. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted March 16, 2016 Share Posted March 16, 2016 I do not believe MOST BSs know they are being cheated on - most appear to be completely blindsided. I have a feeling that the idea that MOST BSs know their hus band is cheating, may be a convenient device used by OWs and even MM to believe the wife really knows anyway and the wife somehow gives her tacit permission or even approval to allow the affair to continue. If she knows anyway - we are not hurting her, are we? If she knows anyway - why doesn't she just take a hike instead of hanging on in there living in HIS house, spending HIS money - gold digger If she knows anyway - she must be an uncaring person, who obviously doesn't love him. ...etc. etc. If she doesn't know, she is an innocent "victim". Then guess who are the perpetrators of the "crime" against her are then? Yes. .. I see this quite often. That she must have known because he was with me 3 or 4 nights a week... or other similar words. Just more justification for the bad behaviour of engaging in an affair. If you trust your husband.... you don't have these suspicions all the time. My husband goes out to the movies and plays sports weekly .. he could be going elsewhere.. but I trust that he isn't. If some OW starts saying I must have known.... then that would be wrong of her. We trust until we have a reason not to. It would be much better to own up to how wrong you've been in such scenarios...rather than play the victim as I see far too often here. 11 Link to post Share on other sites
jenkins95 Posted March 16, 2016 Share Posted March 16, 2016 We trust until we have a reason not to. Yes, I think that's a sign of a good marriage. When you abuse and break that trust, you cause devastation, and it will take years to get it back again. My wife is being amazing. I reckon she will trust me again in a year or so. I will do everything I can to make this happen. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted March 16, 2016 Share Posted March 16, 2016 By the way OP ....I love your user name ** awomansworth** I so wish all women knew their worth. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted March 16, 2016 Share Posted March 16, 2016 I live in the 'country' of Texas too! We could be neighbors. How would we ever know? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted March 16, 2016 Share Posted March 16, 2016 I think we can also nip this misconception that "most women stay" right in bud (at least here in the U.S.) The fact is that here nearly ALL divorces (over 80%) are initiated by a woman. I have too many male friend's supporting their ex's through alimony and child support to think that only males leave. Some women do finally just accept that their husband is a cheater and duck their head in the sand, but it usually doesn't happen right away. Unless the cheater has a naturally scandalous outward appearance and demeanor, they usually have to get caught a couple of times before that type of jaded mindset starts to kick in. Think about how many posters are cheaters, former cheaters, OW/OM or married to someone who has history of cheating and still do not believe their spouse would cheat on them. They rationalize that somehow they or their relationship is "special." Niave, sure, but most of them have to live that way or they wouldn't be able to survive. A million red flags, an almost d-day, etc. and they are still blind-sided later when they find out. I think you'll find that "trust" is simply a coping mechanism because they would lose their sanity constantly thinking about their spouse cheating. However, trust is not denial or sticking your head in the sand. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
flowergirl14 Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 As a betrayed spouse I would want to know. For all the reasons given. Be strong..do it! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author awomansworth Posted March 17, 2016 Author Share Posted March 17, 2016 I don't know how to thank all of you for your responses and open discussions. I never expected to gain this much understanding of extramarital affairs. All of this is helping me gain the courage to do what I have to do. I am on my phone so I will try to reply to everyone when I am on my laptop. Wanted to give a quick update. **Update #2** Most of you won't like this, but I decided to hear him out. I needed to know I guess. He basically said the marriage was over a long time ago, but they are not divorced and he's sorry for lying about it. They are in this sham marriage for the kids because she threatened that if he leaves he won't be able to see his kids again or she will at least make the custody battle very difficult for him... her dad is a family lawyer. As I suspected, they have separated before... not affair-related... and it put their eldest through hell and they don't want that to happen again. He said unless he met someone he was serious enough to want to marry them then their relationship stays the same. We have discussed marriage and moving in together and kids and all that. He said I was worth it and he was already trying to find a good time to tell her but was also scared for the kids... he said it is just sad that it's like in the movies where when someone is just about to confess something they had already gotten caught. He said when we met he wasn't expecting to fall in love. He said he regrets not being honest from the start. He said he didn't want to lose me and that is why he lied. I said he was selfish and a coward. I am glad I let him speak, but I am also hurting very much right now. It doesn't change my plan to tell his wife, but his explanation and all my emotions right now does complicate things. His story is plausible, but he could also be making it up. The only way to really find out... not that it really matters to find out... is by telling her. I want to believe him though. Not that it really changes anything. I just want to believe that what we had was real because it's so heartbreaking to think that it all meant nothing. By the way, I have decided not to tell her via her work email. Someone here... I'm sorry I forget who, but thank you... mentioned regulations. She works at a prominent accounting firm and her dept primarily works with stock brokers and government agencies. This is probably a bad idea if she gets audited or if her superiors or other people have access to her email. Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 His response is textbook and cowardly. Please never give him the time of day ever again... 11 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 His response is textbook and cowardly. That's what I was going to say. OP, if you had said that you were going to talk to him, several dozen of us here could have transcribed EXACTY what he told you. We have heard it all before and the story rarely changes. I hate to say it, but you are being played like a second-rate fiddle and I am sorry for you. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 If all that he says is true he won't really care if you tell her will he? Excuse about kids notwithstanding 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 I live in the 'country' of Texas too! We could be neighbors. How would we ever know? This cracked me up. Thanks for the giggle about the question and answer Shattered? Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 You know, we could have saved you some time and just told you what he was going to say. It doesn't get more textbook cheater than that. He's already demonstrated that he is willing to pull a long-term deception on you. Think about the 100s to 1000s of times he lied or lied by omission. Do you really think he just grew morals overnight? Either way, you'll get your truth soon enough. Her story will be night and day from his. Stick around long enough and you'll start to hear the stories about they slept together minutes before he came to your house. Trust me, cheaters do not care about this sort of thing at all. If it doesn't benefit them, it's not going to be at the top of their priority list. I'm beginning to think you underestimate just how dangerous this guy is. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 How many times have we heard that before. If they are only together for the kids she wouldn't be posting that stuff on FB. If a man can hide his wife and kids.. He's capable of a whole lot more. I'm sorry but you've been played. Anyway .... you can tell his wife all this and mention how he said his daughter took the separation and see what she says. He's basically saying she is forcing him to stay in the marriage. ... why would a good father not have custody of any sort with his kids? The courts look at what is in the child's best interest....... what loving caring mother would deny her children a relationship with their father...just because he wants out of the marriage. You see how he's painting her to be so nasty ..... yet she still posts lovingly about him ....something doesn't add up. Lies roll of the tongue of most cheaters very easily... they become skillful at creating stories on the spot to get out of strife .... never mind when they've had a few days to do it. Certified mail . ...... that ONLY SHE signs for with all the evidence is the way to go... 5 Link to post Share on other sites
seren Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 When you decide to let his wife know, can I suggest that it is done with no details, simply that her husband has been seeing you, that you did not know he was married and contact details, even a PO box to protect your privacy or email account for that purpose. The shock of finding out your husband has been having an affair really cannot be underestimated, you have experienced some of that by finding out he is married. Imagine having that information land on your desk, if sent to work, or at home, where you might have your children see you fall apart. i would ask that any disclosure offers the barest of details, in that way she can at least filter what she needs and wants to know at her own pace and with the right support. i would also add that his response has been written here by countless OW over the years and none expected to hear it. We all trust the one's we love and we all hurt when we find that trust has been misplaced. I think you have been treated exactly how he chose to treat you and he is now covering his tracks and trying to prevent you speaking to his wife until he has an excuse ready. I never understand why people who are unhappy don't just speak up and either sort it or leave. It isn't rocket science, nor is it as devastating than the mess or hurt of an affair. If his marriage is that damaged, then I hope you tell him to leave and contact you when he has left and sorted himself out, most of all I wish you and his wife peace. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
lemondrop21 Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 Ugh, since this thread started I had a nasty feeling in the pit of my stomach that this sort of thing would happen. OP, your feelings are understandable because you are in extreme shock given the deception you've been subject to for an entire year. I say tell her right now, don't wait another day. If he really was planning to be with you and if you actually still want this guy after all the dust settles (I don't think you will) then he will forgive you for telling her... Because anyone in your position would be totally justified in doing it. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 He will now be in "protect" mode, in "limiting the damage" mode. He needs to keep you sweet so that you do not spill the beans to his wife, he will do or say anything to keep you happy here. IF however he sees that that is a fruitless task, he will then throw YOU under the bus, his focus then will be to paint a bleak picture of you to his wife so that she believes him, forgives him and takes him back. He will say he never loved you, that you are deluded, even mad, that you pursued him, even blackmailed him. He was the victim and you were the evil mistress. He will tell her, that of course you knew about his wife, but you didn't care. YOU were determined to get him and destroy his marriage.... etc. etc. He will do anything to show her it was YOUR fault. Do not think "Oh but he loves me he would never do that". This is now about survival - HIS survival and believe me you will not be the first OW to be thrown under the bus. He will do whatever it takes to make himself comfortable. If after all that she does throw him out, do not be surprised when he again pitches up on your door step professing his undying love... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
getsmartie Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 Please do not believe a word. An ex bf lied about something huge when we were at that point together for five months. I forgave him but guess what everything that came out of his mouth over the next three years was a total lie too. After him, any man that lied to me was no longer someone I wanted to continue seeing. If I could go back in time to that pivotal moment I caught him in the first lie I would have ended it. Tell his wife now, there is no point in dragging this out. His wife would tell you an entirely different story btw. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
imsosad Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 <Sigh> What a predictable loser. This is the oldest sob story in the book. No points for imagination or effort. Write it off as one big fat lie. His story is so obviously made up. I am pretty certain it will be news to her to find out she is in a sham marriage. He is desperate and saying whatever it takes. Notice the manipulation: you are "worth" marriage. First of all, you dont really need him to hand out grades regarding your worth. Furthermore, it is a transparent manipulation to make you feel special and in return, sympathetic towards him. Keep your head clear, hold on to your dignity. He is a classic,text book lyong,manipulating cheat. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 I have to agree with the others that his story is flimsy. And he was taking that chance of losing you by lying to you for so long. It doesn't matter who her dad is, no one can keep him from his children. Even if he's sincere and believes the story he told you, then he made a big mistake by involving you in this mess. I also have to question his reasoning on this -- stay in his marriage until he meets someone? And then wait a really long time before he tells this special person? Sorry, that's a highly flawed plan on so many levels. I'm just not buying it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
heartwhole Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 Her Facebook certainly doesn't support the sham marriage theory, does it? I'm sorry that he is still stringing you along. I understand how hard that is. ((Hugs)) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
HappyAgain2014 Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 Numerous others have already told you he's lying. You probably know that yet want to believe your situation is somehow different. It's not. Please don't invest anymore thought into this. How can his wife keep him away from his children? Wouldn't he be afraid of the same outcome if he finally divorced after finding his true love? Ridiculous. If you allowed it, you'd find the "good time to tell her" speech he gave you would never happen. That would all get turned around on you. Your lack of patience and selfishness would put too much pressure on him. I'm telling you this so you know what's next if you decide to wait for him to prove your situation is different than the countless stories on this forum. He started this relationship with you with lies and deceit. Regardless of his excuses, that's all you need to know. Stop looking for a good way to tell her. If you do, I wouldn't be surprised if she tells you he's done this before. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 His words were verbatim from the cake eater handbook. Verbatim. He lied because he loves you and doesn't want to lose you! He took your choice away when he didn't give you the option to decide for yourself if you wanted to be involved with a married man. That's not love. That's not even a real relationship. He has been future faking knowing good and well that he can't have a life with you while he's married. He stole a year of your life. This was and is ALL about him. I hope you focus on what is important here. I hope you cut your losses and remove this man from your life. His words make the truth that much more difficult to swallow. How did the conversation end on your side? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Furious Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 I don't know how to thank all of you for your responses and open discussions. I never expected to gain this much understanding of extramarital affairs. All of this is helping me gain the courage to do what I have to do. I am on my phone so I will try to reply to everyone when I am on my laptop. Wanted to give a quick update. **Update #2** Most of you won't like this, but I decided to hear him out. I needed to know I guess. He basically said the marriage was over a long time ago, but they are not divorced and he's sorry for lying about it. They are in this sham marriage for the kids because she threatened that if he leaves he won't be able to see his kids again or she will at least make the custody battle very difficult for him... her dad is a family lawyer. As I suspected, they have separated before... not affair-related... and it put their eldest through hell and they don't want that to happen again. He said unless he met someone he was serious enough to want to marry them then their relationship stays the same. We have discussed marriage and moving in together and kids and all that. He said I was worth it and he was already trying to find a good time to tell her but was also scared for the kids... he said it is just sad that it's like in the movies where when someone is just about to confess something they had already gotten caught. He said when we met he wasn't expecting to fall in love. He said he regrets not being honest from the start. He said he didn't want to lose me and that is why he lied. I said he was selfish and a coward. I am glad I let him speak, but I am also hurting very much right now. It doesn't change my plan to tell his wife, but his explanation and all my emotions right now does complicate things. His story is plausible, but he could also be making it up. The only way to really find out... not that it really matters to find out... is by telling her. I want to believe him though. Not that it really changes anything. I just want to believe that what we had was real because it's so heartbreaking to think that it all meant nothing. By the way, I have decided not to tell her via her work email. Someone here... I'm sorry I forget who, but thank you... mentioned regulations. She works at a prominent accounting firm and her dept primarily works with stock brokers and government agencies. This is probably a bad idea if she gets audited or if her superiors or other people have access to her email. You've been lied to for over a year. You were an innocent unknowing OW, but your gut instinct propelled you to find the truth. I hope you continue to listen to your gut and not buy the story this man is now telling you. Your mind knows, but your heart needs to catch up to what the mind knows. Shutting off feelings takes time, do not let your feelings override your mind knows best. Take a deep breath and make a list of facts and separate it from emotions. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 I'm sorry you are hurting but in light of your update remember that he is a skilled liar. Nothing he says is true. Yes, she needs to know - especially since she talks of having another child with this liar! 5 Link to post Share on other sites
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