Going to tell his wife

[Lady2163]

I'm going to weigh in on the other side of the coin, since we don't know what the OP has decided.

 

IF and that's a huge IF, you decide to stay with this man, knowing what you know, you need to set a timeline. You need to find out if this sham marriage includes sex.

 

Wife probably assumes he is not being a saint, since they are a couple of hours apart. He does have to man up. Either he ends it with you and accepts the fact you are going to tell his wife or he tells her he has met someone - and you are going to speak to her. I don't quite know how to tell you how to ask a stranger if she is still having sex with her husband....

 

You aren't going to get any encouragement to stay with him. The deception has been too thorough on his part. But, if you choose to, you need to protect yourself.

 

This is why I'm encouraging deadlines. And if you go this route, you need to tel him, NO EXCUSES. And you need to be prepared for him to take things up to the deadline, then end things with you, possibly in a ball of glory.

 

You're also making a choice from this moment on to be the Other Woman. It's not a path I would encourage for many people.

[elaine567]

Yes, she needs to know - especially since she talks of having another child with this liar!

 

I forgot that little gem.

So if he truly loves the OP and his marriage is just a sham then why is he planning on having more kids with his wife and moving into a new home with her?

[BuddyX]

"..and it put their eldest through hell and they don't want that to happen again."

 

You know what puts a kid through hell? The affair.

If he understands the severity of the ordeal, maybe he should've be honest.

 

He knows the heat is on and he's begging you not to come forth.

Before your last coment, my take was "do what's best for you". Now? Go after him. He's a pu**y and a coward.

[whichwayisup]

He basically said the marriage was over a long time ago, but they are not divorced and he's sorry for lying about it. They are in this sham marriage for the kids because she threatened that if he leaves he won't be able to see his kids again or she will at least make the custody battle very difficult for him... her dad is a family lawyer. As I suspected, they have separated before... not affair-related... and it put their eldest through hell and they don't want that to happen again.

 

So why didn't he just tell you all this from the beginning so you could have made a decision to either take a chance or walk away?

 

I don't believe this. If she truly feels unhappy as he is claiming then she wouldn't be threatening to take the kids from him. Even more so, doesn't make sense re 2nd bolded part. It's just not adding up.

 

This woman has no idea he's cheating on her and he's carefully manipulating you, being sweet and nice so you won't blow up his world by telling his wife the truth. You want to believe him but you really don't "know" him that well.

[LivingWaterPlease]

He's lied to you for a year about who he is.

 

Now he's telling the truth? As someone mentioned, as he moves into a new house with his wife while she's planning to get pregnant?

 

My gut reaction to your latest post is that for her benefit I'd meet with the wife and tell her face-to-face in the kindest way possible, bringing an envelope containing evidence with you to give to her if she would like to have it.

 

The reasons for this are:

 

1. It seems to me he's an accomplished liar who will be able to convince her of what she wants/needs to hear in order to keep the M together. Were I in her place, it would be much harder for him to convince me if I'd looked you in the eye as you told me. It sounds to me as if you are a person of integrity and he won't be able to pass you off as some floozy if she sees for herself in person the type of person you are.

 

2. She will be able to see your sincerity, pain and disgust over the situation and that will go a long way to convincing her of truth.

 

3. It gives you an opportunity to tell her that you respect her marriage and that you broke up with him as soon as you found out about the marriage; that you don't want to be with him now that you know he's lied to you for a year (so he won't be able to portray the scenario that you're chasing him or just trying to break their marriage up).

 

That's just my two cents right off the cuff. There may be downsides to this plan I haven't thought of yet. Know you're thinking things through.

 

PS Coming back to edit. I wrote the above with her in mind, but with you in mind, it seems to me it would be great closure for you to see and talk with her, too, getting her side of the story; not that it would change anything as far as your intentions with her H, but it may very well help you move on emotionally.

 

(dreamingoftigers, interesting that your "like" disappeared when I edited this, but makes total sense in that you may not like what I added!)

Edited March 17, 2016 by LivingWaterPlease

[cocorico]

He basically said the marriage was over a long time ago, but they are not divorced and he's sorry for lying about it. They are in this sham marriage for the kids because she threatened that if he leaves he won't be able to see his kids again or she will at least make the custody battle very difficult for him... her dad is a family lawyer. As I suspected, they have separated before... not affair-related... and it put their eldest through hell and they don't want that to happen again.

 

OK I've held back from commenting, since I didn't have anything useful to add beyond what was already out there, but this (the bolded especially) made me reconsider.

 

My H (fMM) was in exactly that situation. He and his then-W had had a separation - instigated by her, and long before we met - which had been very traumatic for the kids. And so, when she begged him to take her back, he did. It does happen.

 

But.... There are big differences between what happened with your xBF, and what happened with my fMM. For one, my fMM never lied to me. Especially not about something as huge as being M. That alone would make me very, very reluctant to trust him. For another, there was no "happy families" - on FB or anywhere else. I've seen photos of their "family life", and where they appear in the same photo at all, it's clear they're unhappy, uncomfortable and wishing they were somewhere - anywhere - else.

 

This man has not been honest with you. There is no evidence to suggest he is being honest now. You can choose whether or not to consider a R with him given that, but if you do, be aware that he's unlikely to suddenly convert to honesty anytime soon. If that's acceptable to you, by all means give him the time of day. Otherwise, move on, and hope for better luck next time around.

 

As to the mechanics of telling the BW, if you're still of a mind to do that - I'd support Seren's suggestion. Give her the headline - that her H has been courting you, that you found out he was M and thus are informing her - and give her a (special) email address or (special) Skype number to contact - do not use your normal address, phone number, FB account, etc. Create one for this purpose, use it to contact her, and for her to respond, and once that's done, delete it.

 

This is only a chapter of your life, but for her - it's a huge chunk.

[sandylee1]

 

You need to find out if this sham marriage includes sex.

 

Wife probably assumes he is not being a saint, since they are a couple of hours apart.

 

 

How else was his wife planning on another baby...... of course their still having sex.

 

Why does a man working a couple of hours away mean he's not 'a saint' or must be having an affair?

 

My BIL works in a different continent... should my sister assume he's having an affair? By those standards my sister could also be having an affair because their apart for the same amount of time.

 

Perhaps where someone has been a serial OW it skews their view ...to think every man who works away is having an affair.

[ladydesigner]

Knowing what I know now (I am M'd to a serial cheater), if a man had lied to me for a whole year about being M'd I would drop him like it's hot. Why be with a liar when there are so many other good people out there. This guy is not only a loser, but a M'd loser at that. F**k this guy

 

Keep on with your plan OP, let it rip. I hope this MM gets the surprise of a lifetime!

Edited March 17, 2016 by ladydesigner

[yodelwithyu]

Please please don’t believe him. I have made it a point to say that my exMM never said anything bad about his W. In fact towards the end just keep saying he loved us both, BUT the first days of conversations he told me that it was more like an obligation, he was so unhappy and all of the other cliche things. Then over the next couple of weeks he seemed to take most of it back. Which is when things got complicated in a different way for the three of us. Point being, that he went out of his way to defend her, once right after he told me a story of how her and his mom got in a fight and the W was calling his mom expletives. But not in a complaining way, like a she is just like that kind of way. Actually this happened during out last conversation. I digress.

 

I understand every story is different, but whenever I brought up him saying that he was unhappy and asked him why he said that at the beginning, the answers ranged from “well, there were underlying issues” to “I feel in love with you and didn’t want to hurt/lose you” to “I don’t know why I said those things.” I do think deep down all MPs that can engage in LTAs are unhappy due to the marriage, spouse, themselves or all of the above. But that doesn’t really matter, does it? The point is he is still in it and had a year to get his act together if he really loved you. Instead, they are planning a baby and a house. Um, no. Just no.

 

But none of that really matters. As someone who gave my all to the relationship, i wanted to trust him but never did again. I questioned everything he ever said. I wish that had stopped me from loving him, but it didn’t. Just please listen to what people here are saying and run.

 

Also, What kind of sociopath pathological liar major pyscho do you have to be to be able to NOT mention your kid(s) for a year, even by accident. That, I think, is the scariest of all!

 

Be strong girl, you can do this.

[S2B]

Did you warn him you plan to tell her?

 

I hope not - as that gives him the luxury of prepping her with lies about you and credibility.

[stillafool]

Oh, how I wish I had a dollar for every MM who has said what yours said to you. I would be wealthier than Oprah. It's all lies, lies and more lies.

 

OP, when and how are you going to tell his wife?

[awomansworth]

Haven't read through everything yet since my update, but read enough to warrant a clarification:

 

I did not hear him out for his benefit.

 

I did it for my own closure and to have more information for his wife.

 

Do I believe him? Does it matter? It doesn't change the fact that he lied to me and that I hate him for forcing me to live that lie for an entire year. It also doesn't change the outcome that I am going to tell his wife.

 

And no way! I did not tell him about my plan. I didn't act angry or sweet or anything. Pretty neutral on my part. I didn't want to give off any vibes or clues. I just let him speak and that was that.

[BettyDraper]

How else was his wife planning on another baby...... of course their still having sex.

 

Why does a man working a couple of hours away mean he's not 'a saint' or must be having an affair?

 

My BIL works in a different continent... should my sister assume he's having an affair? By those standards my sister could also be having an affair because their apart for the same amount of time.

 

Perhaps where someone has been a serial OW it skews their view ...to think every man who works away is having an affair.

 

I think just like this and I have never been an OW.

 

I've just seen so many men cheat on their wives, especially when they work far away all the time. For this reason, I couldn't be with a man who travelled on business frequently. I know a man can cheat even when he comes home every night but being away all the time makes infidelity even more likely.

[Cloudcuckoo]

I think just like this and I have never been an OW.

 

I've just seen so many men cheat on their wives, especially when they work far away all the time. For this reason, I couldn't be with a man who travelled on business frequently. I know a man can cheat even when he comes home every night but being away all the time makes infidelity even more likely.

 

I have a husband who has always worked away. Ex serviceman and after leaving the armed forces is still a sea mariner.

 

I don't think that it makes it 'more likely'....what it does is give them a bigger 'excuse'!

 

For what it's worth, my husband's affair began when he was working in London!

[sandylee1]

I think just like this and I have never been an OW.

 

I've just seen so many men cheat on their wives, especially when they work far away all the time. For this reason, I couldn't be with a man who travelled on business frequently. I know a man can cheat even when he comes home every night but being away all the time makes infidelity even more likely.

 

I see what you mean ... but TBH cheaters come in all shapes, sizes and occupations... from your construction workers who come home everyday ... to pilots who are always away.

 

You have the servicemen who cheat .... then you have the faithful ones and it's their wives who are cheating. It really comes down to the individual and their own moral standards and commitment to their marriage.

 

I just don't like the assumption that because your husband works away from home .... that HE MUST be having an affair. By the same logic... then the husband can also think his wife is no angel because he's away a lot.

 

SAHM have affairs and they are home all the time.. no travelling. Teachers /police officers/doctors /nurses/professors/mobile engineers .... basically anyone with a job where the opposite sex are present.

 

Perhaps a research scientist who works in isolation is your best bet for a faithful spouse.☺

[ChickiePops]

I wouldn't say it's more likely, but I would say it's easier. Cheaters are gonna cheat no matter where they are.

[Lady2163]

How else was his wife planning on another baby...... of course their still having sex.

 

Why does a man working a couple of hours away mean he's not 'a saint' or must be having an affair?

 

My BIL works in a different continent... should my sister assume he's having an affair? By those standards my sister could also be having an affair because their apart for the same amount of time.

 

Perhaps where someone has been a serial OW it skews their view ...to think every man who works away is having an affair.

 

I should have put sham in quotes to show sarcasm.

 

One of them is lying - probably married man no doubt. Either they're thinking of having another baby or the marriage is a sham.

 

Because they had been separated years ago, because there is probably and underlying current of "something not right" are the reasons that I lean towards his wife possibly knowing he isn't a choir boy.

 

No, I don't think all men and women who are separated from their spouse by work are having affairs. I do think the percentage is higher than we might realize.

[ChickiePops]

I see what you mean ... but TBH cheaters come in all shapes, sizes and occupations... from your construction workers who come home everyday ... to pilots who are always away.

 

You have the servicemen who cheat .... then you have the faithful ones and it's their wives who are cheating. It really comes down to the individual and their own moral standards and commitment to their marriage.

 

I just don't like the assumption that because your husband works away from home .... that HE MUST be having an affair. By the same logic... then the husband can also think his wife is no angel because he's away a lot.

 

SAHM have affairs and they are home all the time.. no travelling. Teachers /police officers/doctors /nurses/professors/mobile engineers .... basically anyone with a job where the opposite sex are present.

 

Perhaps a research scientist who works in isolation is your best bet for a faithful spouse.☺

 

Nope..to easy for the isolated scientist to sneak someone into his lab, or sneak out without being noticed.

[jenkins95]

(((awomansworth)))

 

So sorry to hear that you have been taken in so cruelly by this POS.

 

They are in this sham marriage for the kids because she threatened that if he leaves he won't be able to see his kids again or she will at least make the custody battle very difficult for him... her dad is a family lawyer.

 

Do some BSs really behave like this i.e. forcing the WS to stay by effectively putting a gun to their head? I mean, how satisfying can a marriage be when H wants out and W is blackmailing him?! It is a bit of a cliché and it smacks of gas-lighting to me. I can't believe that this happens often or that if it does, it can ever work long-term.

 

Even though he is probably being creative with what he tells you, please think long and hard before you disclose anything. I think it is more stupidity rather than malice on his part that got you all to this point.

 

I know you will have already been through these thought processes many times, but consider just walking away, never giving him the time of day again and letting him sort his own "sham marriage" out. I know you've been planning this for a long time but it's not too late. Disclosure from you could have very far reaching consequences and would likely hurt a lot more people than just him, including young kids. Years later you may regret this - even though it is unquestionably all his fault.

 

The future could be wonderful for you. Why not walk away right now and don't allow him to occupy another moment in your head?

 

It's just my 2 cents awomansworth. I wish you all the best.

[wmacbride]

OP,

compare what you said in your first post, about how you felt you should tell his W because they are planning on having another baby and buying a new house.

 

Now, compare that to what his latest story is, how she overly controls him and he is trapped.

 

So a man who works a few hours away from home, is free enough to have an A without his wife knowing, who was able to be free enough to hide the fact he was married from you is married to a controlling woman who won't let him go?

 

Pfffftttt...he lied, you know the truth so to cover up one lie, he's telling more.

 

You are a smart woman to have gotten away from him. Smarter still to keep yourself from getting sucked back in by his lies.

 

Keep on trusting your instincts.

[Lovetoohard]

Barring any threat to your safety or reputation, from a long term perspective, I think it does more good than harm to disclose in this instance. It's one thing if you entered into the relationship knowing he was married and were strung along like a lot of OW are, with the future faking and all that, but that's not the case here. This is fraudulent behavior at a whole new level!

 

I feel sorry for his wife and children that they have a person like him as a husband and father. If he's capable of hiding an entire family from you for an entire year, and a secret gf from his family for an entire year, what else is he capable of? How many other girl friends does he have stashed away? Any illegitimate kids running around? Is he involved in any other unethical or even illegal activity? You hear about these types of things in the news once in a while, but it's hard to believe that this kind of stuff really happens. It is revolting. It is scary.

 

Children look up to their parents as role models. This scam artist has no business being a father. Their mother has every right to make an informed decision on who she is co-parenting her children with. Her reaction and decision is entirely her responsibility thereafter.

Edited March 18, 2016 by Lovetoohard

[BuddyX]

Barring any threat to your safety or reputation, from a long term perspective, I think it does more good than harm to disclose in this instance. It's one thing if you entered into the relationship knowing he was married and were strung along like a lot of OW are, with the future faking and all that, but that's not the case here. This is fraudulent behavior at a whole new level!

 

I feel sorry for his wife and children that they have a person like him as a husband and father. If he's capable of hiding an entire family from you for an entire year, and a secret gf from his family for an entire year, what else is he capable of? How many other girl friends does he have stashed away? Any illegitimate kids running around? Is he involved in any other unethical or even illegal activity? You hear about these types of things in the news once in a while, but it's hard to believe that this kind of stuff really happens. It is revolting. It is scary.

 

Children look up to their parents as role models. This scam artist has no business being a father. Their mother has every right to make an informed decision on who she is co-parenting her children with. Her reaction and decision is entirely her responsibility thereafter.

 

Agree.

Trust me, the kids will find out sooner or later. And if they find out later in their adult life it will become uncomfortable. They'll know daddy jeopardize everything for a piece of A$$. They'll loose respect for him.

That's why, I say, tell them now. Let the wife decide how she wants to treat this "problem"

[ChickiePops]

OP you are following a dangerous line of thinking if you actually believe what he's telling you. She cannot take his kids away and he knows that. I really and truly doubt their marriage is anywhere near as bad as he claims. Please don't fall into this trap..

 

I know you fell in love with the person you thought he was but he's not that guy. Keep reminding yourself of that, and mourn it. That guy, the one you love, might as well be dead. He never existed.

[BettyDraper]

I have a husband who has always worked away. Ex serviceman and after leaving the armed forces is still a sea mariner.

 

I don't think that it makes it 'more likely'....what it does is give them a bigger 'excuse'!

 

For what it's worth, my husband's affair began when he was working in London!

 

Yes, affairs can and do happen in your own backyard. I don't disagree with that.

 

However, since affairs are all about secrecy, it much easier to have an affair partner who is far away.

 

I'm so sorry that your husband cheated on you. How is your marriage now?

[Cloudcuckoo]

Yes, affairs can and do happen in your own backyard. I don't disagree with that.

 

However, since affairs are all about secrecy, it much easier to have an affair partner who is far away.

 

I'm so sorry that your husband cheated on you. How is your marriage now?

 

 

The affair was a long time ago Betty, and of course you're right, it's all about deceit and clandestine activities.

 

What I discovered about my husband's affair which may well relate to some, is that the distance did, as you say, make it easier (360 miles is a fair hike from here) to keep the secret and the two worlds apart, so there was his ready made 'excuse' to just keep doing it!

 

His concubine and I were never going to cross paths, EVER (or so he thought...when the proverbial hit the fan she started her vendetta after dday but that's a whole other story)...

 

How thoughtful to enquire about our marriage now.

 

We are happy and content together Thankyou, we've learned so many valuable lessons throughout the arduous journey that is recovery from the most awful betrayal. My husband has worked diligently to become a better man, not just for me as his wife and as a Father, but for himself.

 

 

we have a wonderful life, realise how fortunate we are, and take nothing for granted.

 

Our marriage is grounded in mutual respect, truthfulness and the realisation that live is very short and we owe it to ourselves to be kind to each other.