Going to tell his wife

[S2B]

Was today the day you planned to tell her? If so, what happened?

[BettyDraper]

The affair was a long time ago Betty, and of course you're right, it's all about deceit and clandestine activities.

 

What I discovered about my husband's affair which may well relate to some, is that the distance did, as you say, make it easier (360 miles is a fair hike from here) to keep the secret and the two worlds apart, so there was his ready made 'excuse' to just keep doing it!

 

His concubine and I were never going to cross paths, EVER (or so he thought...when the proverbial hit the fan she started her vendetta after dday but that's a whole other story)...

 

How thoughtful to enquire about our marriage now.

 

We are happy and content together Thankyou, we've learned so many valuable lessons throughout the arduous journey that is recovery from the most awful betrayal. My husband has worked diligently to become a better man, not just for me as his wife and as a Father, but for himself.

 

 

we have a wonderful life, realise how fortunate we are, and take nothing for granted.

 

Our marriage is grounded in mutual respect, truthfulness and the realisation that live is very short and we owe it to ourselves to be kind to each other.

 

I'm so happy to read that you're doing well now.

 

Being married has taught me so much about the power and importance of forgiveness. We are all flawed human beings after all. Though I take a very hard line against infidelity, I have forgiven my husband for many mistakes in the past as he has been magnanimous about mine.

 

I know the joy and bliss in watching your spouse become better than they ever were before through staying together through rough times. Just like you and your spouse, we've come out on the other side and now we're in the honeymoon stage that we never had when we married five years ago.

[stillafool]

I sure hope Awomansworth comes back and tells us how it went yesterday when she told his wife.

[Deidre]

I've never been involved with a married man, but if I were...I want to believe that I wouldn't tell his wife, because it just keeps you locked in the drama. Married men or women rarely if ever leave their spouses for their bf/gf on the side. I've rarely seen that happen with a few friends of mine who have been involved with married people. They usually just end up strung along, and hurt. The spouse may very well know, as I've seen that also...where people stay together, despite affairs going on. So, it's best to cut losses, go no contact, and work on healing.

[bathtub-row]

I've never been involved with a married man, but if I were...I want to believe that I wouldn't tell his wife, because it just keeps you locked in the drama. Married men or women rarely if ever leave their spouses for their bf/gf on the side. I've rarely seen that happen with a few friends of mine who have been involved with married people. They usually just end up strung along, and hurt. The spouse may very well know, as I've seen that also...where people stay together, despite affairs going on. So, it's best to cut losses, go no contact, and work on healing.

 

This is a different case in the sense that she didn't know he was married. And I doubt she has any hopes that telling the wife will end the marriage. She just thinks she should know. What the MM did to OP was very cruel. He lied to her for over a year.

[Empire87]

Haven't read through everything yet since my update, but read enough to warrant a clarification:

 

I did not hear him out for his benefit.

 

I did it for my own closure and to have more information for his wife.

 

Do I believe him? Does it matter? It doesn't change the fact that he lied to me and that I hate him for forcing me to live that lie for an entire year. It also doesn't change the outcome that I am going to tell his wife.

 

And no way! I did not tell him about my plan. I didn't act angry or sweet or anything. Pretty neutral on my part. I didn't want to give off any vibes or clues. I just let him speak and that was that.

 

 

While it's ultimately your decision I would advise against telling his wife about the affair. Does she deserve to know? Yes. But will the knowledge force her into a situation which she is not prepared for financially and/or emotionally. They have 2 kids. One who I believe you said is 2yo. While you will be able to tell his wife and then step away and live your life however you want, this woman will be forced to carry this info for the rest of her life and will also impact the dynamic of their family, and how their kids view her, their father, and the way they develop into adolescence.

 

For those reasons I take the viewpoint "it's none of my business". The ramifications (deserved on his part) are immeasurable from your point of view and outside perspective. Regardless of how much information you gather from her Facebook or social media, you really have no idea as to what kind of woman she is, what kind of mother, or what's gone on between her and her husband over the years.

 

You've heard him out, but you should take that with a grain of salt. Once you found out he was married you stopped seeing him and cut off all contact correct? Then why would you want to insert yourself into the middle of what surely will be an incredibly dramatic, tumultuous situation in their marriage.

 

Lastly. If you have a career.. You should keep in mind that even if you have the best intentions and tell his wife. The same feelings you had of "wanting to punish him" might develop in his wife towards you. Even though she knows it was her husband who lied and cheated, if she's unable to punish him or degrade him because of the kids, she might take out that anger and frustration on you. An anonymous call to your job? Harassing you for details and more info? Wanting you to get involved in their custody or legal issues to prove his infidelity. Do you really want to risk that?

 

Or you can just close this chapter of your life, feel for her and hope she sees his true colors eventually, but accept that you've spent too much time and energy worrying about another persons marriage and life when you should really just focus on your own.

[awomansworth]

Hi everyone. Sorry for disappearing. I have been struggling. Trying to cope and my heart is so so broken.

 

I haven't told her yet. I haven't changed my mind. My emotions are all over the place, I can't think clearly. I want to let it pass before I tell her. Maybe over the next week.

 

This is so much harder than I thought it would be. I was so ready to send her an email on Friday. Right after I wrote it, that's when everything hit me all at once. Like it was a delayed reaction because I was in so much shock before.

 

I also found out that it is their anniversary in a couple weeks. There is this part of me that's thinking, "there is no way in hell I'm letting you celebrate after what you've put me through and there is no way I'm letting her reach another year of marriage with a dishonest man like you."

 

I feel like such a terrible person for thinking those things. It's like I almost want to ruin their anniversary because of what HE did and it's no fault of her own.

 

I will still tell her. There is no changing that. I am just so heartbroken. I know the pain she will feel is going to be 100x more than mine. I just can't believe I am about to turn her world upside down like that, and I don't even have any words to express how worried I am about their kids.

 

Looking for support. Thank you all for keeping this thread going. The time you've put into it and reliving your experiences by posting... you all mean so much to me.

[S2B]

From my experience - a delay makes it feel worse for me. Anything that's uncomfortable - I just have to gather my courage and strength and put it out on the table to get past it. Sitting still - or sitting on it - makes me almost physically sick when I wait.

 

I think ab email is risky - mainly because he could easily intercept it and she might never receive it. So a sure way of knowing she has the evidence and info is critical in this situation.

[stillafool]

You need to put this behind you so you can heal and move on. If you decide to tell her you need to get it on and over with. If you have decided maybe it's best not to blow up her world then obviously go NC, turn away and start to heal. If the pain is too awful seek individual counseling. Don't keep yourself stuck in limbo.

[dreamingoftigers]

Hi everyone. Sorry for disappearing. I have been struggling. Trying to cope and my heart is so so broken.

 

I haven't told her yet. I haven't changed my mind. My emotions are all over the place, I can't think clearly. I want to let it pass before I tell her. Maybe over the next week.

 

This is so much harder than I thought it would be. I was so ready to send her an email on Friday. Right after I wrote it, that's when everything hit me all at once. Like it was a delayed reaction because I was in so much shock before.

 

I also found out that it is their anniversary in a couple weeks. There is this part of me that's thinking, "there is no way in hell I'm letting you celebrate after what you've put me through and there is no way I'm letting her reach another year of marriage with a dishonest man like you."

 

I feel like such a terrible person for thinking those things. It's like I almost want to ruin their anniversary because of what HE did and it's no fault of her own.

 

I will still tell her. There is no changing that. I am just so heartbroken. I know the pain she will feel is going to be 100x more than mine. I just can't believe I am about to turn her world upside down like that, and I don't even have any words to express how worried I am about their kids.

 

Looking for support. Thank you all for keeping this thread going. The time you've put into it and reliving your experiences by posting... you all mean so much to me.

 

Please don't let her go through another anniversary being taken advantage by this jerkface.

 

Ugh. I just hit my seven years post D-day and feel like enough of an idiot for how much time he managed to get away with it.

 

I kind of chalk it up to "X amount of time was a total lie in our marriage." The longer it went on for, the less I would be able to cope with it.

 

At some point, you become an accessory instead of a victim. Sucky deal this guy dumped in your lap.

[imperfectangel]

I'm sorry but something tells me you'll never out him. I think if you were gonna do it you would've done it by now.

[heartwhole]

You aren't turning her world upside down. His deception is. You are giving her the gift of knowledge so she can make informed decisions about her own life. Given their history, I don't think it will be a total shock.

[awomansworth]

I'm sorry but something tells me you'll never out him. I think if you were gonna do it you would've done it by now.

 

Im sorry but that was unnecessary. I haven't even had enough time to prepare telling her, much less to digest everything and get past the self-blame.

 

The only reasons I would have to not ever out him would be if I wanted to get back together and if I didn't care about her.

 

Both of those are absolutely not true.

 

I am just in an emotional place right now and if I tell her and she wanted to talk or even yell or whatever, I would not be able to face her.

[awomansworth]

You aren't turning her world upside down. His deception is. You are giving her the gift of knowledge so she can make informed decisions about her own life. Given their history, I don't think it will be a total shock.

 

Thank you. This is what I keep thinking about too.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Im sorry but that was unnecessary. I haven't even had enough time to prepare telling her, much less to digest everything and get past the self-blame.

 

The only reasons I would have to not ever out him would be if I wanted to get back together and if I didn't care about her.

 

Both of those are absolutely not true.

 

I am just in an emotional place right now and if I tell her and she wanted to talk or even yell or whatever, I would not be able to face her.

 

We're all unique, and the process through which we move through crises is also unique to each of us.

 

Process this at your own speed as you continue on the pathway of doing the right thing. Imo, it's telling her, and telling her for the right reasons.

 

I can't imagine any woman who wouldn't want to know that her husband is doing what he did to you. He's (not you) blown her world apart. You'll be doing her a great kindness to let her in on what her husband is up to.

 

To me, it seems it would be in your best interest to separate, as much as possible, your desire for revenge, from your resolve to inform her of what's going on in her marriage.

 

It's normal to want revenge. But, I believe the more you keep your cool where he is concerned and waste no more actions or emotions on him to the best of your ability, the more easily you'll move on and recover.

 

God will avenge you if you allow Him to be the one to do it. I've lived long enough to see it happen in about every circumstance I know of.

 

Keep your purity, keep your cool, stay kind. Continue to hold your head up high. Grieve with those who are close to you or with a counselor, or in prayer. Not avenging yourself is part of withdrawing your emotions from him. Don't allow the feelings you had for him to affect anything you do.

Edited March 20, 2016 by LivingWaterPlease

[Gloria25]

I didn't read the whole thread, but I read enough.

 

Don't tell the wife....the wife knows already.

 

All the showboating on Facebook that the wife does is just her trying to prove to the world that they're this happy couple. If they separated and/or had issues in the past, again, wife knows he's no good. I mean really? Who puts on Facebook that they had a "breakfast in bed"? Putting that on Facebook is the equivalent of calling up all your friends and telling them you slept in and had sex with your husband. Who wants to know when you have sex with your husband and/or when/how/where it happened?

 

Also, there's women's intuition. Like in my case, his wife isn't that dumb. When a woman sees a guy doing stuff "different" (i.e. in the bedroom, how he dresses, what he expects from her), she can't help to wonder "what" brought this on. If a guy starts grooming himself, going to the gym, and changing stuff about him that wasn't important to him when you two were dating/married - and are stuff that he would do if single and trying to make himself attractive to a woman, then yep, he's probably cheating and/or trying to attract other women.

 

So, I know this jerk lied to you and you may think you're saving his wife and kids from hurt and at the same time deeeeeep down inside you wanna "stick" it to him...but, sorry that ain't gonna happen.

 

She, even "if" she didn't know he was doing all of this, is gonna direct her anger at YOU. That's how women like her act (like my neighbor's wife). They won't look back on all the red flags their husband showed while dating/in the marriage. They won't look to see that even after she had issues with him, she had more kids with him....it's all YOURS and the other women's out there fault.

 

And, you're not gonna "stick" it to him. She's gonna take him back and they're both gonna turn on YOU. She's gonna turn on you, cuz (see above). He's gonna turn on you cuz how dare you mess up his game (temporarily). All he's gonna do is play nice to wifey and when the dust settles he's gonna be smarter to cover his tracks.

 

All in all, don't tell her. You're not gonna change a thing and you're probably gonna get labeled as a "stalker", someone "obsessed" with him, and all that....And, he'll lie and get you in trouble to save his own behind.

[BuddyX]

That is your decision. Your job now, is to be a better you. That also includes NC. Make sure you never "talk" to him again.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Even though I think it's the right thing to tell her, I do believe a lot of what Gloria25 wrote above.

 

Since they've had problems before, she may have already experienced him being unfaithful and decided she'd stay with him anyway. She probably will stay with him and he'll probably promise never to do it again. And he'll probably do it again. I think that happens a lot with these guys.

 

I'm not convinced she'll turn on you or yell at you if you do it the right way, though.

[whichwayisup]

Hi everyone. Sorry for disappearing. I have been struggling. Trying to cope and my heart is so so broken.

 

I haven't told her yet. I haven't changed my mind. My emotions are all over the place, I can't think clearly. I want to let it pass before I tell her. Maybe over the next week.

 

This is so much harder than I thought it would be. I was so ready to send her an email on Friday. Right after I wrote it, that's when everything hit me all at once. Like it was a delayed reaction because I was in so much shock before.

 

I also found out that it is their anniversary in a couple weeks. There is this part of me that's thinking, "there is no way in hell I'm letting you celebrate after what you've put me through and there is no way I'm letting her reach another year of marriage with a dishonest man like you."

 

I feel like such a terrible person for thinking those things. It's like I almost want to ruin their anniversary because of what HE did and it's no fault of her own.

 

I will still tell her. There is no changing that. I am just so heartbroken. I know the pain she will feel is going to be 100x more than mine. I just can't believe I am about to turn her world upside down like that, and I don't even have any words to express how worried I am about their kids.

 

Looking for support. Thank you all for keeping this thread going. The time you've put into it and reliving your experiences by posting... you all mean so much to me.

 

Maybe think about seeking counseling to help you get the courage to do it. Saying and doing are two different things. Yes he is a liar and a cheater, but is it up to you to make him suffer the consequences? He won't be suffering as much as those innocent kids, possible unborn baby and his wife. There's so much at play here and honestly, WHAT if she's not a confident person and would have preferred not to know? there are some who would never want to know... You don't know her mental state, nor her family history, personal etc - maybe she has an ill parent, or some major stresses going on.... To turn someone elses life upside and basically ruin everything that she thought was real is a huge HUGE responsibility to put on yourself. When you tell her, just be sure to be available to be open and talk to her, she may want to ask questions.

 

All this of course is on him since he has done this to her. You're just in a tough spot so just really make sure you're ready to face the fallout and reaction. You didn't know he was married and you ended things as soon as you found out so that is the one thing with proof that is good and on your side so he can't lie his way out of it.

[bathtub-row]

Im sorry but that was unnecessary. I haven't even had enough time to prepare telling her, much less to digest everything and get past the self-blame.

 

The only reasons I would have to not ever out him would be if I wanted to get back together and if I didn't care about her.

 

Both of those are absolutely not true.

 

I am just in an emotional place right now and if I tell her and she wanted to talk or even yell or whatever, I would not be able to face her.

 

You should do this when you're ready and not a moment sooner. But I would say that there's no reason on earth for you to fear facing her. You have done nothing wrong, nothing to feel guilty about. I hope you will keep that in mind.

[Gloria25]

You didn't know he was married and you ended things as soon as you found out so that is the one thing with proof that is good and on your side so he can't lie his way out of it.

 

And how does his wife know that you didn't know? Who do you think his wife is gonna believe?

 

And worst, what if his wife puts the blame on you regardless of what the "truth" is?

 

Look, I can guarantee you that wife ain't gonna be on your side. I mean, if she took him back and is having more kids with him despite problems they had in the past, she's gonna turn on the "blinders" (again) and direct her anger towards you.

[Lady2163]

Im sorry but that was unnecessary. I haven't even had enough time to prepare telling her, much less to digest everything and get past the self-blame.

 

The only reasons I would have to not ever out him would be if I wanted to get back together and if I didn't care about her.

 

Both of those are absolutely not true.

 

I am just in an emotional place right now and if I tell her and she wanted to talk or even yell or whatever, I would not be able to face her.

 

I'm an OW and an unapologetic OW.

 

You may be heartbroken, but to be blunt, the longer you wait to tell her, the more chances there are to create baby number 3.

 

You aren't an OW, but you're giving him a chance to make another woman feel how you feel. He's not going to stop cheating. He's too good at it.

 

What is going through everyone's mind on this forum is that you will go from not being an OW to being an active OW. You will believe what he is saying. You may think you're in pain now, but being an OW waiting for MM to leave his wife is a whole other kind of hell that you can't imagine. There are some Others on here who eventually did ride off into the sunset with the MP. I'm not sure any of them would encourage traveling that path to their adult son, daughter or best friend.

[13Hearts]

You aren't turning her world upside down. His deception is. You are giving her the gift of knowledge so she can make informed decisions about her own life. Given their history, I don't think it will be a total shock.

 

I agree. When I went through this (was not married but engaged), the hardest part besides the actual betrayal was being prevented from having all of the information I needed in order to make my own decisions about my life. In order to feel safe and secure, a person has to have the ability to protect themselves. When we trust someone so much and expose ourselves to the risks we do by being so intimately involved with them, we depend on them to protect us the same as we would protect ourselves. When they lie, cheat and deceive for their own selfish purposes, they betray more than our trust. They rip our feelings of safety completely out from under us. What a horrible, ugly position to be put in.

[Raena]

I can understand your reluctance to tell her and your desire to do so. You don't know how she or he will react. It's disgustingly awful what he has done to her and to you.

 

There is no easy answer here. If I were her, I'd want to know. I was her. I wish someone had told me. But if I were you, I wouldn't want to get hurt any further with the fallout of his marriage if you do choose to tell. You need to heal and move on with your life and being involved in their drama isn't going to help you do that. It's best if she finds out from him or from a close friend, not from you, IMHO.

[ChickiePops]

To all those who are discouraging or doubting her, please bear in mind that she was with him for a full year before she discovered that he was married. That's more than enough time to fall in love and make plans for the future. And she, unlike plenty of other people, immediately did the right thing and broke up with him.

 

Give the poor woman a few days to collect herself. Allow her to nurse her broken heart. She was a completely unwilling participant in this affair, just like his wife is and I'm sure she is in shock.

 

For what it's worth, OP, I still believe you will do the right, kind and just thing and tell his wife.