Going to tell his wife

[whichwayisup]

And how does his wife know that you didn't know? Who do you think his wife is gonna believe?

 

And worst, what if his wife puts the blame on you regardless of what the "truth" is?

 

Look, I can guarantee you that wife ain't gonna be on your side. I mean, if she took him back and is having more kids with him despite problems they had in the past, she's gonna turn on the "blinders" (again) and direct her anger towards you.

 

I'm pretty sure she has this info he told her through either email or texts.

[whichwayisup]

I'm an OW and an unapologetic OW.

 

You may be heartbroken, but to be blunt, the longer you wait to tell her, the more chances there are to create baby number 3.

 

You aren't an OW, but you're giving him a chance to make another woman feel how you feel. He's not going to stop cheating. He's too good at it.

 

What is going through everyone's mind on this forum is that you will go from not being an OW to being an active OW. You will believe what he is saying. You may think you're in pain now, but being an OW waiting for MM to leave his wife is a whole other kind of hell that you can't imagine. There are some Others on here who eventually did ride off into the sunset with the MP. I'm not sure any of them would encourage traveling that path to their adult son, daughter or best friend.

 

She's already ended things with him when she found out he was married. She doesn't want to get back with him at all.

[Gloria25]

To all those who are discouraging or doubting her, please bear in mind that she was with him for a full year before she discovered that he was married. That's more than enough time to fall in love and make plans for the future.

 

And in life poop happens...

 

I was listening to my fav podcaster today and she had an opening topic of like people (like me) who get falsely accused of stuff.

 

Sometimes crap happens to us and we have no recourse. I'm sorry the OP was "played" for a year. It sucks, it hurts, and gosh darn she may have some trust issues for a while. But she can't do a thing here to make him "pay". Bad people don't hurt and they don't play fair. He's gonna lash back by lying through is teeth and BS is gonna stand by his side. Sometimes when we're wronged, we just have to walk away.

 

But, not that I want to get off topic, but it's kind of hard to be "dating" someone a whole year without knowing he/she was married. Now I did hear of a women that dated men for years - one almost 25 years w/o knowing he was married, but IMO, I just don't see how that would happen.

 

I mean, for one, did the OP in one whole year not go to his house? I would do a "surprise" drive by his house and/or workplace. Even if they lived in different states, you could still do a "surprise" fly in.

 

But, back on topic....

 

I'm discouraging her because I'm going through that right now and see others go through that. The BS blames the OW/OM. After all the pain this guy caused her, I can guarantee that the pain she'll get when he lies to his wife's face about her to cover his butt is definitely NOT make the OP feel better...it'll not only open old wounds, but create more and worse ones.

 

There's nothing the OP can do to save the BS and/or the kids. The BS knew/knows he's not a good guy and no only stays with him, but makes more kids - perhaps in some sick hope that more kids will keep him "hers".

 

I wouldn't encourage someone to take on a task if there was no benefit to it. In this case the OP, especially based on the history of this guy and his BS, isn't gonna change a thing and the OP's gonna get hurt in more ways than one.

[Gloria25]

I'm pretty sure she has this info he told her through either email or texts.

 

And what if he lies and said she created the texts to herself?

 

Again, this guy is a liar...creeps have no low that they'll go through to cover their butts.

 

And still, even "if" the proof the OP has is irrefutable, the BS is gonna stand by him and put her anger towards "the messenger" (the OP).

[dreamingoftigers]

Awomansworth,

 

Please keep posting. PM Privileges happen at 50 posts and one month of posting. You need both if I recall correctly.

[Gloria25]

I'm an OW and an unapologetic OW.

 

You may be heartbroken, but to be blunt, the longer you wait to tell her, the more chances there are to create baby number 3.

 

You aren't an OW, but you're giving him a chance to make another woman feel how you feel. He's not going to stop cheating. He's too good at it.

 

What is going through everyone's mind on this forum is that you will go from not being an OW to being an active OW. You will believe what he is saying. You may think you're in pain now, but being an OW waiting for MM to leave his wife is a whole other kind of hell that you can't imagine. There are some Others on here who eventually did ride off into the sunset with the MP. I'm not sure any of them would encourage traveling that path to their adult son, daughter or best friend.

 

Meh, I hope the OP isn't secretly hoping the MM will be like "OMG, this situation made me realize how much I love the OP and am leaving my BS"...cuz, I can guarantee that ain't happening. And even "if" that happened, would you want a liar, cheat, who abandons his wife and family once he got "caught"?

 

While right now the MM may be trying to change the OP from an inactive OW to an active OW, I think more he's trying to sweet talk her so she doesn't mess up his game. He's probably such a slime that he has to lie to women about being single in order to get laid on the side. Or, maybe he gets some sick thrill out of playing women and now that his cover is blown, he's no longer interested in the OP.

 

Oh, BTW, baby 3, 4, and maybe even 5 are gonna happen regardless of what the OP does and regardless if the OP becomes his "official" and "active" OW. Wifey keeps on popping out kids cuz she wants to keep her head in the clouds about his messing around and/or keeps thinking more kids will tie him down with her. And, he doesn't care, he's reckless and selfish, he'll keep on knocking up wifey cuz for one he knows wifey isn't going anywhere and he doesn't care if his actions affects his wife and/or kids.

 

In my situation, neighbor knocked up wifey while still obsessed about me and I can guarantee baby 2 is in the works - especially now that wifey is giving me the dirty stares...she's probably gonna pull an "oops" pregnancy and/or a "let's have another kid now or I'm gonna leave you" stunt that he'll go along with cuz he thinks she's the only chance he has at having a woman; and, worse if she leaves now, she's probably gonna take their current son with her.

[ChickiePops]

And in life poop happens...

 

I was listening to my fav podcaster today and she had an opening topic of like people (like me) who get falsely accused of stuff.

 

Sometimes crap happens to us and we have no recourse. I'm sorry the OP was "played" for a year. It sucks, it hurts, and gosh darn she may have some trust issues for a while. But she can't do a thing here to make him "pay". Bad people don't hurt and they don't play fair. He's gonna lash back by lying through is teeth and BS is gonna stand by his side. Sometimes when we're wronged, we just have to walk away.

 

But, not that I want to get off topic, but it's kind of hard to be "dating" someone a whole year without knowing he/she was married. Now I did hear of a women that dated men for years - one almost 25 years w/o knowing he was married, but IMO, I just don't see how that would happen.

 

I mean, for one, did the OP in one whole year not go to his house? I would do a "surprise" drive by his house and/or workplace. Even if they lived in different states, you could still do a "surprise" fly in.

 

But, back on topic....

 

I'm discouraging her because I'm going through that right now and see others go through that. The BS blames the OW/OM. After all the pain this guy caused her, I can guarantee that the pain she'll get when he lies to his wife's face about her to cover his butt is definitely NOT make the OP feel better...it'll not only open old wounds, but create more and worse ones.

 

There's nothing the OP can do to save the BS and/or the kids. The BS knew/knows he's not a good guy and no only stays with him, but makes more kids - perhaps in some sick hope that more kids will keep him "hers".

 

I wouldn't encourage someone to take on a task if there was no benefit to it. In this case the OP, especially based on the history of this guy and his BS, isn't gonna change a thing and the OP's gonna get hurt in more ways than one.

 

You are taking a LOT of liberties in the assumptions you're making about his wife and about the OP...

 

Also, just because you, a random stranger on the Internet, don't see how it could happen doesn't mean it didn't happen.

 

I hold myself to the same standard. I believe you are aware of my opinions on your 'situation', but that doesn't make me right. Doesn't make me wrong either, but I'm sure you understand the sentiment.

[dreamingoftigers]

Meh, I hope the OP isn't secretly hoping the MM will be like "OMG, this situation made me realize how much I love the OP and am leaving my BS"...cuz, I can guarantee that ain't happening. And even "if" that happened, would you want a liar, cheat, who abandons his wife and family once he got "caught"?

 

While right now the MM may be trying to change the OP from an inactive OW to an active OW, I think more he's trying to sweet talk her so she doesn't mess up his game. He's probably such a slime that he has to lie to women about being single in order to get laid on the side. Or, maybe he gets some sick thrill out of playing women and now that his cover is blown, he's no longer interested in the OP.

 

Oh, BTW, baby 3, 4, and maybe even 5 are gonna happen regardless of what the OP does and regardless if the OP becomes his "official" and "active" OW. Wifey keeps on popping out kids cuz she wants to keep her head in the clouds about his messing around and/or keeps thinking more kids will tie him down with her. And, he doesn't care, he's reckless and selfish, he'll keep on knocking up wifey cuz for one he knows wifey isn't going anywhere and he doesn't care if his actions affects his wife and/or kids.

 

In my situation, neighbor knocked up wifey while still obsessed about me and I can guarantee baby 2 is in the works - especially now that wifey is giving me the dirty stares...she's probably gonna pull an "oops" pregnancy and/or a "let's have another kid now or I'm gonna leave you" stunt that he'll go along with cuz he thinks she's the only chance he has at having a woman; and, worse if she leaves now, she's probably gonna take their current son with her.

 

OP, please feel free to read Gloria 25's threads for a glimpse into her EA with her married neighbour.

 

That situation does not seem to apply to you or many of the assumptions that go with it.

 

AT ALL.

[Gloria25]

OP, please feel free to read Gloria 25's threads for a glimpse into her EA with her married neighbour.

 

That situation does not seem to apply to you or many of the assumptions that go with it.

 

AT ALL.

 

But the same way people who don't know the OP's WS, don't know anything about my situation either. We're all making "assumptions" based on what is posted here.

 

So none of us know how the BS and/or MM is going to react. We can only give the OP our "opinions" and our "opinions" come from our experiences, beliefs, etc.

 

For all we know NONE OF US could be right or wrong.

[Trishern]

And how does his wife know that you didn't know? Who do you think his wife is gonna believe?

 

And worst, what if his wife puts the blame on you regardless of what the "truth" is?

 

Look, I can guarantee you that wife ain't gonna be on your side. I mean, if she took him back and is having more kids with him despite problems they had in the past, she's gonna turn on the "blinders" (again) and direct her anger towards you.

 

This isn't about sides.

 

 

It's about being told that your husband was cheating on you for whole year and the person telling you had no idea he was married.

 

 

I don't know anyone of sound mind that wouldn't want to know this information....

 

 

If someone told me this about my husband, I would thank them for telling me.

 

 

I work with couples with relationship issues and every single person that was cheated on, said they wised someone, even anonymously would have told them what was going on, so they can make an informed choice.

 

 

If they choose to stay, that's their business, but knowledge is power.

 

 

 

 

Can anyone here really say they would rather not be told if they were in the position of the BW? I just can't understand this advice of don't tell her. This isn't your bog standard case of the OW knowing she was with a married man from the beginning and being quite happy to carry on as the mistress. In those cases, of course she won't want to tell the wife because she was equally wrong.

 

 

The wife should know before she has another child with him. If after hearing the truth she decides to stay so be it. Telling her is not to get her to leave him.

 

 

If a man can hide his wife and children, I think he's capable of an awful lot more. These are the men I see on crime shows who do away with their wife because they are tangled up in the whole lie and don't know what to do.

 

 

Mrs. T

[Lady2163]

Not that long ago, I dated a man for three weeks or so before I found out he was married. Both he and his wife were retirement age and he claimed she had some dementia. He just KNEW they were going to be putting her in a nursing home soon.

 

Even though that is the second oldest lie married men tell, I declined to tell the wife.

 

They'd been married 40 years. Kids are all grown. He emphatically told me he wasn't leaving his wife. Now, I don't know if she is ill or not, but I was only three weeks in. I had a great connection with him, loved talking with him many times a day. I just said I wasn't interested in that ride.

 

About every 4-6 months, he "accidentally" pocket dials me. I've told him he should just delete me as a contact. I did tell him that I was changing my number when I move after the last pocket dial.

 

I didn't tell, because their lives are pretty well set. If the kids encouraged their mother to divorce, none of them were in position to provide long term care IF she truly is sick.

 

OP, have you had contact with this man since he told you his side of the story? Are you still talking, texting, emailing, dating, sleeping, or having sex with him? I'm not sure that I read you had ended things completely in that regard.

[imperfectangel]

If you're going to do it you need to just do it and get it over with. I don't believe it's something you will ever feel ready to do. There will always be reasons not to. This has been dragging on for ages just pull the plaster off or leave it be

[stillafool]

I am just in an emotional place right now and if I tell her and she wanted to talk or even yell or whatever, I would not be able to face her.

 

You don't owe her a conversation. You have done nothing wrong. It would be different if you knowingly were having sex with her husband. All you have to do is send her the email and that's that. Actually whether she reads the email or not is out of your hands. You did your part and then walk away.

[stillafool]

And how does his wife know that you didn't know? Who do you think his wife is gonna believe?

 

And worst, what if his wife puts the blame on you regardless of what the "truth" is?

 

Look, I can guarantee you that wife ain't gonna be on your side. I mean, if she took him back and is having more kids with him despite problems they had in the past, she's gonna turn on the "blinders" (again) and direct her anger towards you.

 

I don't think OP is looking for the wife to be on her side, they are not going to be friends for goodness sake. OP just wants the wife to know the truth. It is up to the wife whether she believes it or not and shouldn't really matter to OP. She just wants to do the right thing. If the wife decides to stay, has been through this before, then that is her business and her problem. OP doesn't owe anything more.

[S2B]

The main reason I think not waiting is relevant is due to the fact that he said they may have more kids soon.

 

Knowing now may give her the chance to not get pregnant again if she knows he is cheating.

 

Wait and she may be pregnant by the time she finds out.

[imperfectangel]

The main reason I think not waiting is relevant is due to the fact that he said they may have more kids soon.

 

Knowing now may give her the chance to not get pregnant again if she knows he is cheating.

 

Wait and she may be pregnant by the time she finds out.

 

She may already be pregnant for all OP knows

[sandylee1]

Im sorry but that was unnecessary. I haven't even had enough time to prepare telling her, much less to digest everything and get past the self-blame.

 

The only reasons I would have to not ever out him would be if I wanted to get back together and if I didn't care about her.

 

Both of those are absolutely not true.

 

I am just in an emotional place right now and if I tell her and she wanted to talk or even yell or whatever, I would not be able to face her.

 

Don't blame yourself..... it wasn't your fault in any way at all.

 

I'm a bit ticked off with people saying how could you not know..... if someone sets out to deceive you. They are already many steps ahead of you. It's the same way OWs and others say how could the wife not know he was cheating...... like I've said before..you trust until you are given a reason not to trust.

 

I just watch a crime documentary (see link below) about a man who deceived three women. .. he married 2 of them and had 7 kids with the both of them. .... He was only tripped up when he got a third woman and used her credit card fraudulently.

 

Bigamist who claimed to be secret agent is jailed | UK news | The Guardian

 

These things happen.....

[dreamingoftigers]

The main reason I think not waiting is relevant is due to the fact that he said they may have more kids soon.

 

Knowing now may give her the chance to not get pregnant again if she knows he is cheating.

 

Wait and she may be pregnant by the time she finds out.

 

Anniversaries are a good time to get pregnant......

[LivingDeadGrl]

I'm not really understanding why she would ever keep this to herself. What horrible advice. He was not only deceiving his wife and kids but he also lied to her for a year! This isn't about revenge it's about doing the right thing. It would be different if she was an active part in the affair but she wasn't. She had no idea.

I dated a guy a few years ago who used to visit me every weekend. He lived 2 hours away so I didn't mind that he stayed over. He and I got along really well. He informed me that his ex was pregnant, but they were no longer together. We had a mutual friend who introduced us, so I has no reason to think otherwise. She ended up having the baby and naming it the same name as my daughter, which he said was extremely awkward for him...

Eventually we stopped seeing each other and a month or two later I get a message on Facebook from his "ex" asking me about my relationship with him. That she knew he had been hanging out around my town and with me, and he told her that all we did was hang out.

I had no idea he was still with her. I had genuine feelings for the guy and I thought he did as well. Finding out that they were still together at the time was mind blowing for me. I told her everything she wanted to know. He told her i was lying and crazy. She thanked me for not lying, and really, why would I? He deceived me as well. Why protect such a vile human?

 

The wife may in fact already suspect something, especially given the history and that he is out of town so much but she probably doesn't think he would put their relationship in jeopardy again, but guess what? Men like this don't change, they just get better at hiding it.

OP - When you are ready, please do tell her. She deserves to know. What he did to you was wrong on so many levels. My guess is she won't be surprised by it.

[ladydesigner]

I didn't read the whole thread, but I read enough.

 

Don't tell the wife....the wife knows already.

 

All the showboating on Facebook that the wife does is just her trying to prove to the world that they're this happy couple. If they separated and/or had issues in the past, again, wife knows he's no good. I mean really? Who puts on Facebook that they had a "breakfast in bed"? Putting that on Facebook is the equivalent of calling up all your friends and telling them you slept in and had sex with your husband. Who wants to know when you have sex with your husband and/or when/how/where it happened?

 

Also, there's women's intuition. Like in my case, his wife isn't that dumb. When a woman sees a guy doing stuff "different" (i.e. in the bedroom, how he dresses, what he expects from her), she can't help to wonder "what" brought this on. If a guy starts grooming himself, going to the gym, and changing stuff about him that wasn't important to him when you two were dating/married - and are stuff that he would do if single and trying to make himself attractive to a woman, then yep, he's probably cheating and/or trying to attract other women.

 

So, I know this jerk lied to you and you may think you're saving his wife and kids from hurt and at the same time deeeeeep down inside you wanna "stick" it to him...but, sorry that ain't gonna happen.

 

She, even "if" she didn't know he was doing all of this, is gonna direct her anger at YOU. That's how women like her act (like my neighbor's wife). They won't look back on all the red flags their husband showed while dating/in the marriage. They won't look to see that even after she had issues with him, she had more kids with him....it's all YOURS and the other women's out there fault.

 

And, you're not gonna "stick" it to him. She's gonna take him back and they're both gonna turn on YOU. She's gonna turn on you, cuz (see above). He's gonna turn on you cuz how dare you mess up his game (temporarily). All he's gonna do is play nice to wifey and when the dust settles he's gonna be smarter to cover his tracks.

 

All in all, don't tell her. You're not gonna change a thing and you're probably gonna get labeled as a "stalker", someone "obsessed" with him, and all that....And, he'll lie and get you in trouble to save his own behind.

 

Right because you know exactly what happens each situation is unique. Every Affair, marriage, and ending or D Day are all unique.

[CarrieT]

OP, have you told the wife yet?

[LivingWaterPlease]

How are you doing by now, OP? Noticed CarrieT's post and thought I'd check in with you, too.

 

Hope all is well...

[awomansworth]

It's done. I texted her using a different number. He is in town right now, so I know he won't be intercepting it.

 

She hasn't responded, but I hope I am prepared when she does.

 

I don't know how I feel, to be honest. I feel relieved that I did my part. However she reacts is up to her.

 

At the same time... even though I ended it when I found out... there's also that feeling that I have effectively killed what I thought was the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. This was the best relationship I have had in a while and he was the most caring and affectionate man I have ever met. And it was all a big fat lie.

 

I was so excited for our future and making the things we talked about real. Now the only real thing I feel is pain.

[dreamingoftigers]

It's done. I texted her using a different number. He is in town right now, so I know he won't be intercepting it.

 

She hasn't responded, but I hope I am prepared when she does.

 

I don't know how I feel, to be honest. I feel relieved that I did my part. However she reacts is up to her.

 

At the same time... even though I ended it when I found out... there's also that feeling that I have effectively killed what I thought was the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. This was the best relationship I have had in a while and he was the most caring and affectionate man I have ever met. And it was all a big fat lie.

 

I was so excited for our future and making the things we talked about real. Now the only real thing I feel is pain.

 

You did the right thing.

 

I'm sorry he served you such a big bowl of poo.

 

That's how I felt when my husband turned out to be totally lying to me too. I really thought I married the happiest, most well-adjusted guy who was so totally honest and loving.

 

It was an illusion.

[ChickiePops]

You should be incredibly proud of yourself. That took guts. Good for you.

 

I'm so sorry for your pain, but you can do much better. You really can. And you will.