Going to tell his wife

[imperfectangel]

It's done. I texted her using a different number. He is in town right now, so I know he won't be intercepting it.

 

She hasn't responded, but I hope I am prepared when she does.

 

I don't know how I feel, to be honest. I feel relieved that I did my part. However she reacts is up to her.

 

At the same time... even though I ended it when I found out... there's also that feeling that I have effectively killed what I thought was the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. This was the best relationship I have had in a while and he was the most caring and affectionate man I have ever met. And it was all a big fat lie.

 

I was so excited for our future and making the things we talked about real. Now the only real thing I feel is pain.

 

 

You did the right thing. There's never a good time to do this and it took real guts. What did you say to her? You may never hear back but you've done all you can now

[ladydesigner]

It's done. I texted her using a different number. He is in town right now, so I know he won't be intercepting it.

 

She hasn't responded, but I hope I am prepared when she does.

 

I don't know how I feel, to be honest. I feel relieved that I did my part. However she reacts is up to her.

 

At the same time... even though I ended it when I found out... there's also that feeling that I have effectively killed what I thought was the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. This was the best relationship I have had in a while and he was the most caring and affectionate man I have ever met. And it was all a big fat lie.

 

I was so excited for our future and making the things we talked about real. Now the only real thing I feel is pain.

 

(((awomansworth))) you did a very brave thing! I hope you find someone just as caring and affectionate without all the baggage. Best of luck to you OP!

[S2B]

That's forward movement. He was the perpetrator - you his victim - his wife too. Best that she knows too. Now you placed his actions back onto him where it belongs.

 

Have you blocked him from being able to contact you? You may want to - so you aren't the victim again - of his anger this time.

 

I hope you can find peace in all this.

[awomansworth]

You did the right thing. There's never a good time to do this and it took real guts. What did you say to her? You may never hear back but you've done all you can now

 

I kept it brief and to the point. Basically: I had a year-long affair with your husband. I did not know he is married and ended it immediately. If you want to talk or need proof I am here. Call me any time. I'm sorry.

 

Thanks everyone for your support and encouragement. Going to take it day by day, but I feel much better. Telling her eased a ton of guilt. I know in my gut that I did the right thing. Now just have to prepare for the aftermath. Will keep you all updated.

[awomansworth]

That's forward movement. He was the perpetrator - you his victim - his wife too. Best that she knows too. Now you placed his actions back onto him where it belongs.

 

Have you blocked him from being able to contact you? You may want to - so you aren't the victim again - of his anger this time.

 

I hope you can find peace in all this.

 

No I haven't blocked him. I need to stay prepared and I know he'll contact me if he's planning anything.

 

Reason being I once blocked an ex and because I didn't receive his texts and calls I wasn't prepared when he showed up at my parents' house. Nothing violent happened or anything like that, but I did learn my lesson.

[BuddyX]

Proud of you. Remember, you were the victim here. He's the scumbag. You have a good reason to NOT to NC. Stay firm. And yes, answer all her questions.

 

While I don't recommend trolling they're social media, I'm pretty sure hers will change from rainbow and lollipops to "overcoming obstacles", "brighter days ahead", "silver lining in a dark cloud" etc.

[S2B]

I can't think of any reason not to block him - he's only likely to yell at you for telling.

 

If he shows up at your door you can easily not answer the door and call the police and tell them to remove him from the area.

[sandylee1]

I kept it brief and to the point. Basically: I had a year-long affair with your husband. I did not know he is married and ended it immediately. If you want to talk or need proof I am here. Call me any time. I'm sorry.

 

Thanks everyone for your support and encouragement. Going to take it day by day, but I feel much better. Telling her eased a ton of guilt. I know in my gut that I did the right thing. Now just have to prepare for the aftermath. Will keep you all updated.

 

You did the right thing and sorry you had the misfortune of meeting such a deceptive man.

 

It just goes to show you're a woman with integrity.

 

Well done and I'm sure you will meet a decent man in the future...you deserve it.

[heartwhole]

You did a very kind thing. I know you got a chorus of "Of course you should tell her!" on here, but I bet only a fraction of us would have the courage to do it. You did the honorable thing despite your own pain, and that is worth a lot.

 

I hope that now that you have done this, you can begin to process the betrayal that you have also experienced. Wrap yourself up in your cocoon and take care of yourself, please. Let your friends and family support you.

[S2B]

She may not respond at all. Be mentally prepared for nothing from her. She may not choose to believe it. Or she may just watch and search for evidence for a long while.

 

You did your part in being honest - now it's up to her what she does with that info.

 

 

 

I hope you can get past the pain he caused by being deceptive.

[sandylee1]

I can't imagine myself not responding to such a message as the BW. I do hope it reached safe and sound and that she is still on that number.

 

I read of one OM who feared exposure from the OBS.. and he got his and his wife's number changed to avoid her finding out. After the BH in this situation heard nothing he contacted her at work and she never did get his previous message.

 

She told him her H managed to get some really good deal on their phone packages.. they had to change numbers a little while back ... just about the time he found out his wife was having an affair.

 

Coincidence ... nah.... and his wife now realised why he did it.

[Joie]

I agree you did the right thing. I think the text was direct and to the point. It gives her notice but allows her to handle things as she wants...I am sorry you are in pain. Try to hold on to the thought he is not the man you believed him to be. Good men don't forgot about their wife and children. You never want to be in a position for him to do that to you.

[bathtub-row]

I'm not a fan of blocking, either. I can easily ignore anyone, but want to know if someone is trying to reach me for any reason.

 

I'm sure you're glad that phase is over. I'm guessing that xMM will be contacting you.

[imperfectangel]

Well done. Know you did the right thing. It's out of your hands now but I'm sure in time she'll hold him completely responsible

[Thomcat]

Please tell the MM that you have decided he can confess to his betrayed wife.

It will be better "that way."

 

If you tell, the shock will be worse for her long term. Her husband is so dishonest there is no shame.

 

If he confessed she would have the faintest glimmer of hope he is trying to find the path to becoming a decent spouse.

 

 

Give him a week - two the most. Prepare enough evidence to support your

case of exposing the truth.

 

and just wondering - are you his ''first?"

 

I would also visit your GYN - to make sure the gift you have from him is a shattered heart.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Wondering how you're doing by now, awomansworth? Hope you are finding peace, time with family and friends, and hopefully some happy times, too; just whatever will nourish your soul most at this time.

 

You've laid the best foundation possible for the pathway into your future by generously gifting someone else with truth.

[Poppy47]

Please tell the MM that you have decided he can confess to his betrayed wife.

It will be better "that way."

 

If you tell, the shock will be worse for her long term. Her husband is so dishonest there is no shame.

 

If he confessed she would have the faintest glimmer of hope he is trying to find the path to becoming a decent spouse.

 

 

Give him a week - two the most. Prepare enough evidence to support your

case of exposing the truth.

 

and just wondering - are you his ''first?"

 

 

 

I would also visit your GYN - to make sure the gift you have from him is a shattered heart.

 

Why should she give him that grace? At the end of the day, the BW will be just as shattered and have just as many issues to deal with.

 

He probably won't change anyway.

 

Poppy

[Cappycorny]

I kept it brief and to the point. Basically: I had a year-long affair with your husband. I did not know he is married and ended it immediately. If you want to talk or need proof I am here. Call me any time. I'm sorry.

 

Thanks everyone for your support and encouragement. Going to take it day by day, but I feel much better. Telling her eased a ton of guilt. I know in my gut that I did the right thing. Now just have to prepare for the aftermath. Will keep you all updated.

 

I was against this at first but good for you. That took a ton of courage!

[lychee]

Good for you, keep us updated ..and be careful.

[yodelwithyu]

Dear Awomansworth,

 

I am so very proud of you for telling the wife. I hope you are ok and you will keep us updated.

 

I would like to apologize to you for not commenting for so many days. At present, you situation most closely resembles mine, and after the first few days, I had become paralyzed with silence. In all honesty, your situation triggered me harder than I have been for long time. I mean, you literally posted your story two days after the first anniversary of my DDay. And then you posted that their anniversary was coming up in a week or so, when in fact, my exMM anniversary was a few days after that particular post. He had made a ten hour roundtrip car ride to see me for less than twenty-four hours once, and while at the time I thought it was the most romantic thing ever, I found out later that is had been like two or three days after their anniversary. These kind of things make you realize what a person is made of.

 

I know that you have done your part, and you are done with him, but these are the early days still. I cannot commend you enough for taking the step to tell his wife, as it will steer your story in a different direction than mine. I ended with mine too, but between day four and week four, I had been to the ER (day four) and had a pregnancy scare (week two end/three) which turned out to be a missed miscarriage (week four). So between all this drama, my biggest mistake was feeling and acting like a betrayed, rather than what I was, which was the other. I wanted answers and I needed support. In any case, I wasn’t going to continue with him anyway after the miscarriage, but that is exactly when he got caught and had a DDay (week four/five-trickle truth).

 

Now about the wife. I am not sure if she has responded to you, and she might not. While it is true that she might project her anger on to you, or might treat you badly, she also might not. My exMM’s wife did not when she got in touch with me. Though, you won’t believe this…he TT’d for days, and never told her I didn’t know he was married from the start!! At that point it was over between us anyway, though we were in contact on the phone (again, stupidly, I needed answers and needed to talk it out). This was the only time I threatened to tell her myself, which is when he told her. She messaged me twelve hours after, and we texted for a few hours and then spent the next few days actually talking on the phone. I answered everything she asked and gave her proof, and she answered questions I had. We even had a few laughs. Mostly I think because I was self medicating with lots and lots of Two Buck Chuck at the time. The only thing she (rightfully) accused and made me feel sh**ty about was why I stayed in touch after I found out he was married (though I will admit some days her cruel words made me mad considering she had an A right after they got married, so who was she to judge/not understand that people make mistakes). And I told her the truth, all of the trauma I had experienced in the couple of weeks in between, that I needed answers, and that I still loved him, though I did not want to continue a relationship with this man. In a way, I was happy to be in touch with her, as it definitely meant it was over. So if she does respond to you, it might not be terrible. It is not going to be a bed of roses, and it will be very hard to for you too, to hear a lot of things, but she might not try and attack you, is all I am saying.

 

When the W and I had been communicating, I had no communication with him for two days, as she had said she gave him an ultimatum. He broke that two days in, and I told him I would tell her, which I did. I didn’t hear from him in another day and a half, then the W texted that he was going to call, so be prepared I thought Maybe it was going to be a goodbye/closure call or “I never want to hear from you again call.” Nope. He basically said that he was not going to choose between me or his wife and that she couldn’t force him to cut me out, no one could. No more secrets, no more lies. Here is where my story takes another turn, and again, I responded like a betrayed instead of an OW. I was shocked, unprepared and a big fat idiot. The last four/five weeks had been so crazy, that I actually convinced myself that Well, we had a whole relationship when he was married, so how much would things change now? I would still get the same amount of his time and love and affection. What a fool I was. First of all, nothing stayed the same. Our time was significantly cut short. But more than that, knowing he was with someone else when he wasn’t with me was actually soul destroying. Yet I keep fighting for it, because, like an idiot, I thought my love was worth fighting for. And that I was someone…not just an AP or OW or, rather, as it turns out, just someone else he could play puppet with.

 

Sorry for the long drawn out history. The reason I have relayed this to you is that you never know where your road will take you. If you had told me a week into me finding out he was married that I would have gotten myself into a messier situation, I would have thought you were mad. You are still in the early days. Luckily for you, you showed fortitude at a critical time. But you are also a victim, and that is not going to be an easy road to travel. When it hits, it won’t be pretty or easy. Most of this thread has been about telling his W or not telling her or whatever about HER. It is now time to think of YOU. I am worried for YOU. As you said, you had plans and a life, and it all turned out to be a lie. More than anything, that is what I am still tortured by. I could have saved that light I had inside me for someone real, or even if not that, I would still have it to share had I stayed single. Even months after this whole “open” thing came about, I remember just falling to the floor into a crying messy heap in the shower, not because of anything else, but the sheer pain of the fact that someone that I still felt like I loved had thought so little of me, that he tricked me into loving him, giving him my time, sharing with him my dreams and letting him see my nightmares. All while he knew that he was never actually with me or going to be with me.

 

Awomansworth, please come back and post. Not about what happened to the wife, but about how you are and what you are feeling. How are you coping? How is your heart? And your health? Are you ok?

 

Lots of love and admiration,

Yodel

[LivingWaterPlease]

Dear Awomansworth,

 

I am so very proud of you for telling the wife. I hope you are ok and you will keep us updated............................

 

 

Awomansworth, please come back and post. Not about what happened to the wife, but about how you are and what you are feeling. How are you coping? How is your heart? And your health? Are you ok?

 

Lots of love and admiration,

Yodel

 

 

Yodel, what an inspiring post! It seems to me you poured your heart out for awomansworth but can imagine it was and will be a great help to others, too. Thanks for your time, effort and caring in writing and posting this!

[yodelwithyu]

Yodel, what an inspiring post! It seems to me you poured your heart out for awomansworth but can imagine it was and will be a great help to others, too. Thanks for your time, effort and caring in writing and posting this!

 

Thank you. In my current state, I don't feel very inspiring. In fact, my actions are proving to be quite the opposite. But if any part of my story can stop someone from where I am today, right here, right now, then it was for something.

 

I just want her to know that I fell, and continue to stumble because of this kind of man, and I want her to know she is not alone and I will do anything in my power to not let her get to my sorry state, even if we don't take the same windy road. Some of our path has been the same, and hopefully no more.

Edited March 27, 2016 by yodelwithyu

[ashley1992]

I would not tell her... I would just move on & punish him by keeping myself distant from him. If they were no kids involved I would tell the wife. Just let it be. The kids need their father & if the wife finds out she might divorce him & ultimately the kids suffer who are innocent.. Not u the wife or the husband.

[nymphetgrown]

Except that the kids have ways of knowing, and it really IS bad even when it happens to your parents when you're grown. Or when you find out. It's like "who's this dude who raised me, really?"

[S2B]

I would not tell her... I would just move on & punish him by keeping myself distant from him. If they were no kids involved I would tell the wife. Just let it be. The kids need their father & if the wife finds out she might divorce him & ultimately the kids suffer who are innocent.. Not u the wife or the husband.

 

This is living a lie by staying silent. I don't recommend it - it keeps the OW in a position of being his victim by being silent.

 

The victim gains power by having a voice and speaking their truth - even and especially when the truth is difficult or hard.

 

Besides - his wife should know what her husband is capable of - and who she is REALLY married to. Not the fake man he pretends to be.