Going to tell his wife

[awomansworth]

Hello everyone. I'm sorry I have not been posting. Have been taking some time to myself.

 

Update: Some of you called it: she didn't believe me. She responded saying they were happily married, her husband wouldn't do that to her, and turned it around on me. She didn't say anything that I wasn't prepared to hear.

 

Now I don't know whether to show her proof or stay away.

 

As for MM: he has still been contacting me, about 1-2x per week. I haven't responded or picked up the phone, but this is the least of my concerns.

 

Thank you everyone for your support.

[awomansworth]

Do you guys think her response was just a gut reaction or defense mechanism? That I at least cast doubt on her mind? This is such a mess.

[whichwayisup]

You told her, she didn't believe you, now you need to let it go and move on. Don't call or email her again. Stay away from them both and begin your healing, don't look back.

 

Doesn't matter what her reasons are, obviously she's NOT wanting to believe. You can't force someone to believe if they don't want to.

[bathtub-row]

I forget -- how did you tell her about it? Through her work email, correct?

 

I say drop it. She obviously wants to keep her head in the sand. For your part, you know you tried. That's enough. They can both kiss off at this point.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Not surprised he has her convinced "it ain't true," and is trying to take it underground.

 

Good for you, awomansworth, for not responding. I agree with bathtub-r and wwiu, drop it and move on.

[bathtub-row]

Do you guys think her response was just a gut reaction or defense mechanism? That I at least cast doubt on her mind? This is such a mess.

 

To answer your questions, yes she's being reactive, it's definitely a defense mechanism and, yes, you have cast doubt in her mind. That doubt will act like a poison in their relationship. She'll start searching his phone when he leaves it and she'll start looking at the phone bill, among other things.

[MrsBilliethekid]

It only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy trust. I'm quite sure she'll be checking his phone bills and Facebook and emails a bit more carefully from now on.

[Girlfromcali]

Don't show her any proof. You told her and that's enough. She probably already knows in some level anyway.

[ShatteredLady]

As long as she has a way to contact you if she needs to in the future I think it's fine. She has the information. It will take her a little while to process it & decide what she wants to do. You've done the right thing.

 

Some people flip out, scream, shout, throw him out...then calm down, think, talk & do what they're going to do.

Others (like me) go kind of numb. Appear like they're doing nothing but just need to think & investigate & think some more before they do anything.

 

You're a brave, moral lady who has acted with integrity. Try to put all of this behind you now.

 

 

Note.

If he keeps contacting you against your wishes & it's upsetting you, forward his messages to her with evidence & ask her to make him stop. It's about you & your recovery now.

 

Best wishes.

Edited April 17, 2016 by ShatteredLady

[velvette]

Do you guys think her response was just a gut reaction or defense mechanism? That I at least cast doubt on her mind? This is such a mess.

 

How long did it take her to respond to you. Based on when you told her and the fact you are only posting about it now, not sure if it was a day or two or couple of weeks from Mar 23 when you told her.

 

 

There's simply no way to know what is going on behind their closed door.

Maybe him cheating is the least of her concerns and she took the info you provided on board, but doesn't want you any further involved in their lives.

 

 

On the surface, it sounds like she is in denial, but maybe she is just telling you to go away and plans to deal with his cheating and anything else in her own way. She really doesn't need more info than what you gave her.

 

 

Sure, some people want all the gory details, but others don't or don't need them to proceed.

 

 

Maybe she told him, tell me the truth because if I have to talk to this stranger, we're done. Maybe he did, or maybe she just thinks he did.

 

 

Maybe he is gaslighting her and she thinks you're a nutjob.

 

 

I think you also have to face the fact with his level of dishonesty, you may not be the only girlfriend. Maybe she knows/suspects there or others and so knows that nothing you have to tell her other than that he was cheating on her is of any relevance. I.E. she knows he's not going anywhere and she'd deciding what to do about his cheating.

 

 

It could be a million things, and you may never know what is going on.

 

 

Is MM saying anything in the messages he leaves?

 

 

You have done the right thing. You could leave the email address you used open in case she changes her mind about talking to you. But, the best thing you can do is move on, heal from your own betrayal, learn what you can from this and leave them to their own devices.

[Grapesofwrath]

Another vote for closing the door on this and focusing on your own healing. You told her. What she chooses to do with that information is up to her. There are so many possible scenarios, you could drive yourself crazy trying to unravel the truth.

 

You have done all you can do. Now it's time for you to put the time and attention into yourself. You have been through something very traumatic. Circle the wagons and let time do its magic of healing your broken heart.

[BuddyX]

You have done everything by the book. Proud of you.

 

Give it a week. If he all of sudden goes dark, then you know she's on his trail. if not then she just doesn't care. The third scenario (him making you out to be a nut job) is really messed up. If it's in fact what is going on I would be livid.

[LovingDelilah]

I would not tell her because its just too devastating for her. Stay away from them both.

[dreamingoftigers]

Part of why I recommend forwarding ALL proof during exposure. A generalized "I'm sleeping with him" does look vague and nutso.

 

Oh well. It's done now. She made her choice, you did your part.

[Lois_Griffin]

Hello everyone. I'm sorry I have not been posting. Have been taking some time to myself.

 

Update: Some of you called it: she didn't believe me. She responded saying they were happily married, her husband wouldn't do that to her, and turned it around on me. She didn't say anything that I wasn't prepared to hear.

 

Now I don't know whether to show her proof or stay away.

 

As for MM: he has still been contacting me, about 1-2x per week. I haven't responded or picked up the phone, but this is the least of my concerns.

 

Thank you everyone for your support.

Sigh. Texts are completely ineffectual. Of course she's not going to believe some anonymous text. You could be any person out there fooling around with your phone.

 

You should have done it the way you said you were considering doing it months ago. Put all your EVIDENCE in a package and have it hand delivered to her by a courier. I would imagine over the last year this dirt bag had sent you numerous emails and texts, you probably took pictures together on outings, you might have handwritten notes he's given you, little pieces of video you took on your phone - the list is endless. You even had the advantage of knowing when this lying piece of sh*t was away on business so you could have scheduled the delivery when he wasn't home so he wouldn't intercept it. You had the perfect opportunity to blow him right out of the water.

 

He obviously knows you intended to tell her - or at least he fears it greatly. And like any low life looking to save his own sorry hide, he's already told her some ridiculous lie in case you did reach out to her. And that lie would probably be along the lines of how YOU came on to him one night when he was innocently away on business and he turned you down because he's a happily married man, and spurned b*tch/psycho that you are, you'd be JUST the type to reach out to his wife and lie about having an affair with him. I can guarantee you he's already told her a story about you being a psycho just in case she heard from you.

 

Let's see how successfully he'd manage to lie his way out of pictures and videos of you together - or phone bills from your cell carrier with HIS number all over it.

 

You'd be amazed at what these liars will tell their wives to keep from being tossed out to the curb where they completely belong.

 

Send the packet via courier. An anonymous text means nothing. If you're going to do it,, do it right. And be sure to include your last few months of phone bills showing that her loser husband is STILL continually calling you even after you told him to get lost.

[S2B]

Hello everyone. I'm sorry I have not been posting. Have been taking some time to myself.

 

Update: Some of you called it: she didn't believe me. She responded saying they were happily married, her husband wouldn't do that to her, and turned it around on me. She didn't say anything that I wasn't prepared to hear.

 

Now I don't know whether to show her proof or stay away.

 

As for MM: he has still been contacting me, about 1-2x per week. I haven't responded or picked up the phone, but this is the least of my concerns.

 

Thank you everyone for your support.

 

This is why it is important to provide evidence when exposing. And since he's still contacting you it seems that she hasn't confronted him either.

 

Can you block him so he can't reach you?

[LivingWaterPlease]

Sigh. Texts are completely ineffectual. Of course she's not going to believe some anonymous text. You could be any person out there fooling around with your phone........

 

Send the packet via courier. An anonymous text means nothing. If you're going to do it,, do it right. And be sure to include your last few months of phone bills showing that her loser husband is STILL continually calling you even after you told him to get lost.

 

After having read the above post I'm reconsidering advice to drop it and move on as Lois_Griffin's post (#290, I shortened it here) in its entirety makes a lot of sense to me.

 

Married to someone like your exbf (exMM) I would definitely appreciate knowing the truth and can totally see how some men could/would be able to lie their way out of it. Feel so sorry for this lady and, yes, feel badly for you, too, but at least you know the truth and it seems she's been convinced of a lie.

[sandylee1]

Do you guys think her response was just a gut reaction or defense mechanism? That I at least cast doubt on her mind? This is such a mess.

 

Did she respond in writing or verbally?

 

If she responded verbally and she didn't request any proof... then leave her to keep her head in the sand.

 

I would have sent her the evidence via certified mail from the beginning, but it is what it is.

 

Women can be very foolish at times. It's that same stupidity that allows single women to believe the lies of their married boyfriends and I mean those who are aware that the man is married.

[awomansworth]

Thanks for your responses.

 

Yes, she requested proof. The way she responded is what's making me reconsider and wanting to just stay away, as though whatever proof I have wont be enough for her anyway unless it comes straight from his mouth. To her I'm just out to ruin her marriage.

 

Just a side note: I don't think it's fair to say that I should have done this "correctly." We all have our own way of handling things and it's not anyone's place to say what's the right way and what isn't. We do what's right for us and the situation.

 

I don't remember if I talked about my reasons, but I didn't go the courier or anonymous package route because to me that's cowardly. And you know what, I'm not going to take the time to print out, screenshot, etc. texts, photos, videos, bank statements, whatever and package them for her physically or electronically. I have better things to do with time.

 

My preference was to tell her, then talk or meet up if she wanted proof. I want to leave the ball in her court and do everything personally. I used a different number not to be anonymous, but to protect myself and so I can screen if/when she contacts me.

 

It was never my goal to convince her. It was just to tell her because she deserves to know. What she chooses to believe is her choice.

[awomansworth]

And since he's still contacting you it seems that she hasn't confronted him either.

 

Can you block him so he can't reach you?

 

That's a great point. I have no idea if she has confronted him or not.

 

I'm not a fan of blocking and I don't really care what he does. If anything it's further proof for her that he is unfaithful.

[bathtub-row]

If some woman ever told me this kind of information, the last thought I'd have is that some stranger is just out to ruin my marriage. This is why this jerk gets away with lying to her. If she has a lick of sense, she'll figure it out or ask to meet you in person.

[awomansworth]

How long did it take her to respond to you. Based on when you told her and the fact you are only posting about it now, not sure if it was a day or two or couple of weeks from Mar 23 when you told her.

 

On the surface, it sounds like she is in denial, but maybe she is just telling you to go away and plans to deal with his cheating and anything else in her own way. She really doesn't need more info than what you gave her.

 

Sure, some people want all the gory details, but others don't or don't need them to proceed.

 

 

Maybe she told him, tell me the truth because if I have to talk to this stranger, we're done. Maybe he did, or maybe she just thinks he did.

 

Maybe he is gaslighting her and she thinks you're a nutjob..

 

She responded only this past week! Which to me is a bit strange. Maybe she didn't know how to respond or maybe she confronted him and they dealt with it during that time. Or maybe she ignored it on purpose. Who knows.

 

The rest of this could all be true. I do think she's in denial. I feel that maybe she is conflicted, by the tone of her messages and the time it took to respond. She didn't seem surprised at all, then shifted to the blame game and name calling.

 

She sent me three texts. The first asked who I am and how he and I met. The second asking for proof. The third was the most reactive with the we're so happy, you're crazy, etc.

[awomansworth]

It only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy trust. I'm quite sure she'll be checking his phone bills and Facebook and emails a bit more carefully from now on.

 

I agree with this. She seems like a smart woman.

[bathtub-row]

She responded only this past week! Which to me is a bit strange. Maybe she didn't know how to respond or maybe she confronted him and they dealt with it during that time. Or maybe she ignored it on purpose. Who knows.

 

The rest of this could all be true. I do think she's in denial. I feel that maybe she is conflicted, by the tone of her messages and the time it took to respond. She didn't seem surprised at all, then shifted to the blame game and name calling.

 

She sent me three texts. The first asked who I am and how he and I met. The second asking for proof. The third was the most reactive with the we're so happy, you're crazy, etc.

 

Wow. Unbelievable. Name calling?? No wonder you're not interested in taking this any further. I say leave her to her pretend marriage and don't ever respond to her again. She doesn't want to know the truth.

[velvette]

Thanks for your responses.

 

Yes, she requested proof. The way she responded is what's making me reconsider and wanting to just stay away, as though whatever proof I have wont be enough for her anyway unless it comes straight from his mouth. To her I'm just out to ruin her marriage.

 

Just a side note: I don't think it's fair to say that I should have done this "correctly." We all have our own way of handling things and it's not anyone's place to say what's the right way and what isn't. We do what's right for us and the situation.

 

I don't remember if I talked about my reasons, but I didn't go the courier or anonymous package route because to me that's cowardly. And you know what, I'm not going to take the time to print out, screenshot, etc. texts, photos, videos, bank statements, whatever and package them for her physically or electronically. I have better things to do with time.

 

My preference was to tell her, then talk or meet up if she wanted proof. I want to leave the ball in her court and do everything personally. I used a different number not to be anonymous, but to protect myself and so I can screen if/when she contacts me.

 

It was never my goal to convince her. It was just to tell her because she deserves to know. What she chooses to believe is her choice.

 

 

I don't think asking for proof is burying her head in the sand. Did you give her any proof or respond that you would be willing to?

 

 

I also think people who are telling you how they would have done it, are not telling you were right or wrong, just sharing from either having lived something similar or heard the stories over and over what is usually most effective.