Going to tell his wife

[heartwhole]

You did a very kind thing. I know you got a chorus of "Of course you should tell her!" on here, but I bet only a fraction of us would have the courage to do it. You did the honorable thing despite your own pain, and that is worth a lot.

 

I hope that now that you have done this, you can begin to process the betrayal that you have also experienced. Wrap yourself up in your cocoon and take care of yourself, please. Let your friends and family support you.

[sandylee1]

I can't imagine myself not responding to such a message as the BW. I do hope it reached safe and sound and that she is still on that number.

 

I read of one OM who feared exposure from the OBS.. and he got his and his wife's number changed to avoid her finding out. After the BH in this situation heard nothing he contacted her at work and she never did get his previous message.

 

She told him her H managed to get some really good deal on their phone packages.. they had to change numbers a little while back ... just about the time he found out his wife was having an affair.

 

Coincidence ... nah.... and his wife now realised why he did it.

[Joie]

I agree you did the right thing. I think the text was direct and to the point. It gives her notice but allows her to handle things as she wants...I am sorry you are in pain. Try to hold on to the thought he is not the man you believed him to be. Good men don't forgot about their wife and children. You never want to be in a position for him to do that to you.

[bathtub-row]

I'm not a fan of blocking, either. I can easily ignore anyone, but want to know if someone is trying to reach me for any reason.

 

I'm sure you're glad that phase is over. I'm guessing that xMM will be contacting you.

[imperfectangel]

Well done. Know you did the right thing. It's out of your hands now but I'm sure in time she'll hold him completely responsible

[Thomcat]

Please tell the MM that you have decided he can confess to his betrayed wife.

It will be better "that way."

 

If you tell, the shock will be worse for her long term. Her husband is so dishonest there is no shame.

 

If he confessed she would have the faintest glimmer of hope he is trying to find the path to becoming a decent spouse.

 

 

Give him a week - two the most. Prepare enough evidence to support your

case of exposing the truth.

 

and just wondering - are you his ''first?"

 

I would also visit your GYN - to make sure the gift you have from him is a shattered heart.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Wondering how you're doing by now, awomansworth? Hope you are finding peace, time with family and friends, and hopefully some happy times, too; just whatever will nourish your soul most at this time.

 

You've laid the best foundation possible for the pathway into your future by generously gifting someone else with truth.

[Poppy47]

Please tell the MM that you have decided he can confess to his betrayed wife.

It will be better "that way."

 

If you tell, the shock will be worse for her long term. Her husband is so dishonest there is no shame.

 

If he confessed she would have the faintest glimmer of hope he is trying to find the path to becoming a decent spouse.

 

 

Give him a week - two the most. Prepare enough evidence to support your

case of exposing the truth.

 

and just wondering - are you his ''first?"

 

 

 

I would also visit your GYN - to make sure the gift you have from him is a shattered heart.

 

Why should she give him that grace? At the end of the day, the BW will be just as shattered and have just as many issues to deal with.

 

He probably won't change anyway.

 

Poppy

[Cappycorny]

I kept it brief and to the point. Basically: I had a year-long affair with your husband. I did not know he is married and ended it immediately. If you want to talk or need proof I am here. Call me any time. I'm sorry.

 

Thanks everyone for your support and encouragement. Going to take it day by day, but I feel much better. Telling her eased a ton of guilt. I know in my gut that I did the right thing. Now just have to prepare for the aftermath. Will keep you all updated.

 

I was against this at first but good for you. That took a ton of courage!

[lychee]

Good for you, keep us updated ..and be careful.

[yodelwithyu]

Dear Awomansworth,

 

I am so very proud of you for telling the wife. I hope you are ok and you will keep us updated.

 

I would like to apologize to you for not commenting for so many days. At present, you situation most closely resembles mine, and after the first few days, I had become paralyzed with silence. In all honesty, your situation triggered me harder than I have been for long time. I mean, you literally posted your story two days after the first anniversary of my DDay. And then you posted that their anniversary was coming up in a week or so, when in fact, my exMM anniversary was a few days after that particular post. He had made a ten hour roundtrip car ride to see me for less than twenty-four hours once, and while at the time I thought it was the most romantic thing ever, I found out later that is had been like two or three days after their anniversary. These kind of things make you realize what a person is made of.

 

I know that you have done your part, and you are done with him, but these are the early days still. I cannot commend you enough for taking the step to tell his wife, as it will steer your story in a different direction than mine. I ended with mine too, but between day four and week four, I had been to the ER (day four) and had a pregnancy scare (week two end/three) which turned out to be a missed miscarriage (week four). So between all this drama, my biggest mistake was feeling and acting like a betrayed, rather than what I was, which was the other. I wanted answers and I needed support. In any case, I wasn’t going to continue with him anyway after the miscarriage, but that is exactly when he got caught and had a DDay (week four/five-trickle truth).

 

Now about the wife. I am not sure if she has responded to you, and she might not. While it is true that she might project her anger on to you, or might treat you badly, she also might not. My exMM’s wife did not when she got in touch with me. Though, you won’t believe this…he TT’d for days, and never told her I didn’t know he was married from the start!! At that point it was over between us anyway, though we were in contact on the phone (again, stupidly, I needed answers and needed to talk it out). This was the only time I threatened to tell her myself, which is when he told her. She messaged me twelve hours after, and we texted for a few hours and then spent the next few days actually talking on the phone. I answered everything she asked and gave her proof, and she answered questions I had. We even had a few laughs. Mostly I think because I was self medicating with lots and lots of Two Buck Chuck at the time. The only thing she (rightfully) accused and made me feel sh**ty about was why I stayed in touch after I found out he was married (though I will admit some days her cruel words made me mad considering she had an A right after they got married, so who was she to judge/not understand that people make mistakes). And I told her the truth, all of the trauma I had experienced in the couple of weeks in between, that I needed answers, and that I still loved him, though I did not want to continue a relationship with this man. In a way, I was happy to be in touch with her, as it definitely meant it was over. So if she does respond to you, it might not be terrible. It is not going to be a bed of roses, and it will be very hard to for you too, to hear a lot of things, but she might not try and attack you, is all I am saying.

 

When the W and I had been communicating, I had no communication with him for two days, as she had said she gave him an ultimatum. He broke that two days in, and I told him I would tell her, which I did. I didn’t hear from him in another day and a half, then the W texted that he was going to call, so be prepared I thought Maybe it was going to be a goodbye/closure call or “I never want to hear from you again call.” Nope. He basically said that he was not going to choose between me or his wife and that she couldn’t force him to cut me out, no one could. No more secrets, no more lies. Here is where my story takes another turn, and again, I responded like a betrayed instead of an OW. I was shocked, unprepared and a big fat idiot. The last four/five weeks had been so crazy, that I actually convinced myself that Well, we had a whole relationship when he was married, so how much would things change now? I would still get the same amount of his time and love and affection. What a fool I was. First of all, nothing stayed the same. Our time was significantly cut short. But more than that, knowing he was with someone else when he wasn’t with me was actually soul destroying. Yet I keep fighting for it, because, like an idiot, I thought my love was worth fighting for. And that I was someone…not just an AP or OW or, rather, as it turns out, just someone else he could play puppet with.

 

Sorry for the long drawn out history. The reason I have relayed this to you is that you never know where your road will take you. If you had told me a week into me finding out he was married that I would have gotten myself into a messier situation, I would have thought you were mad. You are still in the early days. Luckily for you, you showed fortitude at a critical time. But you are also a victim, and that is not going to be an easy road to travel. When it hits, it won’t be pretty or easy. Most of this thread has been about telling his W or not telling her or whatever about HER. It is now time to think of YOU. I am worried for YOU. As you said, you had plans and a life, and it all turned out to be a lie. More than anything, that is what I am still tortured by. I could have saved that light I had inside me for someone real, or even if not that, I would still have it to share had I stayed single. Even months after this whole “open” thing came about, I remember just falling to the floor into a crying messy heap in the shower, not because of anything else, but the sheer pain of the fact that someone that I still felt like I loved had thought so little of me, that he tricked me into loving him, giving him my time, sharing with him my dreams and letting him see my nightmares. All while he knew that he was never actually with me or going to be with me.

 

Awomansworth, please come back and post. Not about what happened to the wife, but about how you are and what you are feeling. How are you coping? How is your heart? And your health? Are you ok?

 

Lots of love and admiration,

Yodel

[LivingWaterPlease]

Dear Awomansworth,

 

I am so very proud of you for telling the wife. I hope you are ok and you will keep us updated............................

 

 

Awomansworth, please come back and post. Not about what happened to the wife, but about how you are and what you are feeling. How are you coping? How is your heart? And your health? Are you ok?

 

Lots of love and admiration,

Yodel

 

 

Yodel, what an inspiring post! It seems to me you poured your heart out for awomansworth but can imagine it was and will be a great help to others, too. Thanks for your time, effort and caring in writing and posting this!

[yodelwithyu]

Yodel, what an inspiring post! It seems to me you poured your heart out for awomansworth but can imagine it was and will be a great help to others, too. Thanks for your time, effort and caring in writing and posting this!

 

Thank you. In my current state, I don't feel very inspiring. In fact, my actions are proving to be quite the opposite. But if any part of my story can stop someone from where I am today, right here, right now, then it was for something.

 

I just want her to know that I fell, and continue to stumble because of this kind of man, and I want her to know she is not alone and I will do anything in my power to not let her get to my sorry state, even if we don't take the same windy road. Some of our path has been the same, and hopefully no more.

Edited March 27, 2016 by yodelwithyu

[ashley1992]

I would not tell her... I would just move on & punish him by keeping myself distant from him. If they were no kids involved I would tell the wife. Just let it be. The kids need their father & if the wife finds out she might divorce him & ultimately the kids suffer who are innocent.. Not u the wife or the husband.

[nymphetgrown]

Except that the kids have ways of knowing, and it really IS bad even when it happens to your parents when you're grown. Or when you find out. It's like "who's this dude who raised me, really?"

[awomansworth]

Hello everyone. I'm sorry I have not been posting. Have been taking some time to myself.

 

Update: Some of you called it: she didn't believe me. She responded saying they were happily married, her husband wouldn't do that to her, and turned it around on me. She didn't say anything that I wasn't prepared to hear.

 

Now I don't know whether to show her proof or stay away.

 

As for MM: he has still been contacting me, about 1-2x per week. I haven't responded or picked up the phone, but this is the least of my concerns.

 

Thank you everyone for your support.

[awomansworth]

Do you guys think her response was just a gut reaction or defense mechanism? That I at least cast doubt on her mind? This is such a mess.

[whichwayisup]

You told her, she didn't believe you, now you need to let it go and move on. Don't call or email her again. Stay away from them both and begin your healing, don't look back.

 

Doesn't matter what her reasons are, obviously she's NOT wanting to believe. You can't force someone to believe if they don't want to.

[bathtub-row]

I forget -- how did you tell her about it? Through her work email, correct?

 

I say drop it. She obviously wants to keep her head in the sand. For your part, you know you tried. That's enough. They can both kiss off at this point.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Not surprised he has her convinced "it ain't true," and is trying to take it underground.

 

Good for you, awomansworth, for not responding. I agree with bathtub-r and wwiu, drop it and move on.

[bathtub-row]

Do you guys think her response was just a gut reaction or defense mechanism? That I at least cast doubt on her mind? This is such a mess.

 

To answer your questions, yes she's being reactive, it's definitely a defense mechanism and, yes, you have cast doubt in her mind. That doubt will act like a poison in their relationship. She'll start searching his phone when he leaves it and she'll start looking at the phone bill, among other things.

[MrsBilliethekid]

It only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy trust. I'm quite sure she'll be checking his phone bills and Facebook and emails a bit more carefully from now on.

[Girlfromcali]

Don't show her any proof. You told her and that's enough. She probably already knows in some level anyway.

[ShatteredLady]

As long as she has a way to contact you if she needs to in the future I think it's fine. She has the information. It will take her a little while to process it & decide what she wants to do. You've done the right thing.

 

Some people flip out, scream, shout, throw him out...then calm down, think, talk & do what they're going to do.

Others (like me) go kind of numb. Appear like they're doing nothing but just need to think & investigate & think some more before they do anything.

 

You're a brave, moral lady who has acted with integrity. Try to put all of this behind you now.

 

 

Note.

If he keeps contacting you against your wishes & it's upsetting you, forward his messages to her with evidence & ask her to make him stop. It's about you & your recovery now.

 

Best wishes.

Edited April 17, 2016 by ShatteredLady

[velvette]

Do you guys think her response was just a gut reaction or defense mechanism? That I at least cast doubt on her mind? This is such a mess.

 

How long did it take her to respond to you. Based on when you told her and the fact you are only posting about it now, not sure if it was a day or two or couple of weeks from Mar 23 when you told her.

 

 

There's simply no way to know what is going on behind their closed door.

Maybe him cheating is the least of her concerns and she took the info you provided on board, but doesn't want you any further involved in their lives.

 

 

On the surface, it sounds like she is in denial, but maybe she is just telling you to go away and plans to deal with his cheating and anything else in her own way. She really doesn't need more info than what you gave her.

 

 

Sure, some people want all the gory details, but others don't or don't need them to proceed.

 

 

Maybe she told him, tell me the truth because if I have to talk to this stranger, we're done. Maybe he did, or maybe she just thinks he did.

 

 

Maybe he is gaslighting her and she thinks you're a nutjob.

 

 

I think you also have to face the fact with his level of dishonesty, you may not be the only girlfriend. Maybe she knows/suspects there or others and so knows that nothing you have to tell her other than that he was cheating on her is of any relevance. I.E. she knows he's not going anywhere and she'd deciding what to do about his cheating.

 

 

It could be a million things, and you may never know what is going on.

 

 

Is MM saying anything in the messages he leaves?

 

 

You have done the right thing. You could leave the email address you used open in case she changes her mind about talking to you. But, the best thing you can do is move on, heal from your own betrayal, learn what you can from this and leave them to their own devices.