Going to tell his wife

[Grapesofwrath]

Another vote for closing the door on this and focusing on your own healing. You told her. What she chooses to do with that information is up to her. There are so many possible scenarios, you could drive yourself crazy trying to unravel the truth.

 

You have done all you can do. Now it's time for you to put the time and attention into yourself. You have been through something very traumatic. Circle the wagons and let time do its magic of healing your broken heart.

[BuddyX]

You have done everything by the book. Proud of you.

 

Give it a week. If he all of sudden goes dark, then you know she's on his trail. if not then she just doesn't care. The third scenario (him making you out to be a nut job) is really messed up. If it's in fact what is going on I would be livid.

[LovingDelilah]

I would not tell her because its just too devastating for her. Stay away from them both.

[dreamingoftigers]

Part of why I recommend forwarding ALL proof during exposure. A generalized "I'm sleeping with him" does look vague and nutso.

 

Oh well. It's done now. She made her choice, you did your part.

[Lois_Griffin]

Hello everyone. I'm sorry I have not been posting. Have been taking some time to myself.

 

Update: Some of you called it: she didn't believe me. She responded saying they were happily married, her husband wouldn't do that to her, and turned it around on me. She didn't say anything that I wasn't prepared to hear.

 

Now I don't know whether to show her proof or stay away.

 

As for MM: he has still been contacting me, about 1-2x per week. I haven't responded or picked up the phone, but this is the least of my concerns.

 

Thank you everyone for your support.

Sigh. Texts are completely ineffectual. Of course she's not going to believe some anonymous text. You could be any person out there fooling around with your phone.

 

You should have done it the way you said you were considering doing it months ago. Put all your EVIDENCE in a package and have it hand delivered to her by a courier. I would imagine over the last year this dirt bag had sent you numerous emails and texts, you probably took pictures together on outings, you might have handwritten notes he's given you, little pieces of video you took on your phone - the list is endless. You even had the advantage of knowing when this lying piece of sh*t was away on business so you could have scheduled the delivery when he wasn't home so he wouldn't intercept it. You had the perfect opportunity to blow him right out of the water.

 

He obviously knows you intended to tell her - or at least he fears it greatly. And like any low life looking to save his own sorry hide, he's already told her some ridiculous lie in case you did reach out to her. And that lie would probably be along the lines of how YOU came on to him one night when he was innocently away on business and he turned you down because he's a happily married man, and spurned b*tch/psycho that you are, you'd be JUST the type to reach out to his wife and lie about having an affair with him. I can guarantee you he's already told her a story about you being a psycho just in case she heard from you.

 

Let's see how successfully he'd manage to lie his way out of pictures and videos of you together - or phone bills from your cell carrier with HIS number all over it.

 

You'd be amazed at what these liars will tell their wives to keep from being tossed out to the curb where they completely belong.

 

Send the packet via courier. An anonymous text means nothing. If you're going to do it,, do it right. And be sure to include your last few months of phone bills showing that her loser husband is STILL continually calling you even after you told him to get lost.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Sigh. Texts are completely ineffectual. Of course she's not going to believe some anonymous text. You could be any person out there fooling around with your phone........

 

Send the packet via courier. An anonymous text means nothing. If you're going to do it,, do it right. And be sure to include your last few months of phone bills showing that her loser husband is STILL continually calling you even after you told him to get lost.

 

After having read the above post I'm reconsidering advice to drop it and move on as Lois_Griffin's post (#290, I shortened it here) in its entirety makes a lot of sense to me.

 

Married to someone like your exbf (exMM) I would definitely appreciate knowing the truth and can totally see how some men could/would be able to lie their way out of it. Feel so sorry for this lady and, yes, feel badly for you, too, but at least you know the truth and it seems she's been convinced of a lie.

[sandylee1]

Do you guys think her response was just a gut reaction or defense mechanism? That I at least cast doubt on her mind? This is such a mess.

 

Did she respond in writing or verbally?

 

If she responded verbally and she didn't request any proof... then leave her to keep her head in the sand.

 

I would have sent her the evidence via certified mail from the beginning, but it is what it is.

 

Women can be very foolish at times. It's that same stupidity that allows single women to believe the lies of their married boyfriends and I mean those who are aware that the man is married.

[awomansworth]

Thanks for your responses.

 

Yes, she requested proof. The way she responded is what's making me reconsider and wanting to just stay away, as though whatever proof I have wont be enough for her anyway unless it comes straight from his mouth. To her I'm just out to ruin her marriage.

 

Just a side note: I don't think it's fair to say that I should have done this "correctly." We all have our own way of handling things and it's not anyone's place to say what's the right way and what isn't. We do what's right for us and the situation.

 

I don't remember if I talked about my reasons, but I didn't go the courier or anonymous package route because to me that's cowardly. And you know what, I'm not going to take the time to print out, screenshot, etc. texts, photos, videos, bank statements, whatever and package them for her physically or electronically. I have better things to do with time.

 

My preference was to tell her, then talk or meet up if she wanted proof. I want to leave the ball in her court and do everything personally. I used a different number not to be anonymous, but to protect myself and so I can screen if/when she contacts me.

 

It was never my goal to convince her. It was just to tell her because she deserves to know. What she chooses to believe is her choice.

[awomansworth]

And since he's still contacting you it seems that she hasn't confronted him either.

 

Can you block him so he can't reach you?

 

That's a great point. I have no idea if she has confronted him or not.

 

I'm not a fan of blocking and I don't really care what he does. If anything it's further proof for her that he is unfaithful.

[bathtub-row]

If some woman ever told me this kind of information, the last thought I'd have is that some stranger is just out to ruin my marriage. This is why this jerk gets away with lying to her. If she has a lick of sense, she'll figure it out or ask to meet you in person.

[awomansworth]

How long did it take her to respond to you. Based on when you told her and the fact you are only posting about it now, not sure if it was a day or two or couple of weeks from Mar 23 when you told her.

 

On the surface, it sounds like she is in denial, but maybe she is just telling you to go away and plans to deal with his cheating and anything else in her own way. She really doesn't need more info than what you gave her.

 

Sure, some people want all the gory details, but others don't or don't need them to proceed.

 

 

Maybe she told him, tell me the truth because if I have to talk to this stranger, we're done. Maybe he did, or maybe she just thinks he did.

 

Maybe he is gaslighting her and she thinks you're a nutjob..

 

She responded only this past week! Which to me is a bit strange. Maybe she didn't know how to respond or maybe she confronted him and they dealt with it during that time. Or maybe she ignored it on purpose. Who knows.

 

The rest of this could all be true. I do think she's in denial. I feel that maybe she is conflicted, by the tone of her messages and the time it took to respond. She didn't seem surprised at all, then shifted to the blame game and name calling.

 

She sent me three texts. The first asked who I am and how he and I met. The second asking for proof. The third was the most reactive with the we're so happy, you're crazy, etc.

[awomansworth]

It only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy trust. I'm quite sure she'll be checking his phone bills and Facebook and emails a bit more carefully from now on.

 

I agree with this. She seems like a smart woman.

[bathtub-row]

She responded only this past week! Which to me is a bit strange. Maybe she didn't know how to respond or maybe she confronted him and they dealt with it during that time. Or maybe she ignored it on purpose. Who knows.

 

The rest of this could all be true. I do think she's in denial. I feel that maybe she is conflicted, by the tone of her messages and the time it took to respond. She didn't seem surprised at all, then shifted to the blame game and name calling.

 

She sent me three texts. The first asked who I am and how he and I met. The second asking for proof. The third was the most reactive with the we're so happy, you're crazy, etc.

 

Wow. Unbelievable. Name calling?? No wonder you're not interested in taking this any further. I say leave her to her pretend marriage and don't ever respond to her again. She doesn't want to know the truth.

[velvette]

Thanks for your responses.

 

Yes, she requested proof. The way she responded is what's making me reconsider and wanting to just stay away, as though whatever proof I have wont be enough for her anyway unless it comes straight from his mouth. To her I'm just out to ruin her marriage.

 

Just a side note: I don't think it's fair to say that I should have done this "correctly." We all have our own way of handling things and it's not anyone's place to say what's the right way and what isn't. We do what's right for us and the situation.

 

I don't remember if I talked about my reasons, but I didn't go the courier or anonymous package route because to me that's cowardly. And you know what, I'm not going to take the time to print out, screenshot, etc. texts, photos, videos, bank statements, whatever and package them for her physically or electronically. I have better things to do with time.

 

My preference was to tell her, then talk or meet up if she wanted proof. I want to leave the ball in her court and do everything personally. I used a different number not to be anonymous, but to protect myself and so I can screen if/when she contacts me.

 

It was never my goal to convince her. It was just to tell her because she deserves to know. What she chooses to believe is her choice.

 

 

I don't think asking for proof is burying her head in the sand. Did you give her any proof or respond that you would be willing to?

 

 

I also think people who are telling you how they would have done it, are not telling you were right or wrong, just sharing from either having lived something similar or heard the stories over and over what is usually most effective.

[velvette]

She responded only this past week! Which to me is a bit strange. Maybe she didn't know how to respond or maybe she confronted him and they dealt with it during that time. Or maybe she ignored it on purpose. Who knows.

 

The rest of this could all be true. I do think she's in denial. I feel that maybe she is conflicted, by the tone of her messages and the time it took to respond. She didn't seem surprised at all, then shifted to the blame game and name calling.

 

She sent me three texts. The first asked who I am and how he and I met. The second asking for proof. The third was the most reactive with the we're so happy, you're crazy, etc.

 

So it doesn't sound like she dismissed you out of hand and buried her head in the sand if it took that long for her to answer. Did you provide her the proof she requested?

 

 

If you didn't and then she started the name calling and sounds like maybe she confronted him and he came up with the usual story that you are some crazy nutjob woman who is obsessed with him and trying to break up his marriage and she bought it.

 

 

Its easiest for people to get away with lying to people that love them. Also, no disrespect to you, but most women would be skeptical that their husbands could get away with lying about being married for as long as he did, because they don't believe that could happen to them. I think you've seen that here with people questioning how you couldn't have know for as long as you didn't.

[stillafool]

Get ready because MM is going to try to contact you to ask you not to show her any proof or talk to her again.

[anna121]

Honestly, I think it's pretty bad form not to send her *some* form of proof now that she's asked for it. Asking her to take you at your word was always a long shot.

 

It doesn't have to be every stitch of correspondence from your entire relationship.

[BlueIris]

Yeah, send her the evidence, wish her well, and then be done.

[stilltrying16]

You didn't do the easy thing- you did the right thing. Good for you! I wish she hadn't turned on you; it's something she'll come to regret very soon, IMO.

 

I've been impressed with how you've approached this. Esp when you said you weren't expecting her to fall over in gratitude and were prepared (a few posts earlier).

Even if she's in denial, she has to have nagging doubts- I think she'll definitely come back for details, and the chances are she'll be thanking you at some point. You both are victims of this man. I hope she can see that soon.

 

I can see how annoying it will be to print off and collate and courier a stack of proof to her. It' his job, not yours, to provide a timeline & the details. Maybe you could just forward her some texts/emails/photos? And if you still feel up to it, leave a door open in case she does want to contact you?

 

She's lucky (and he's not) that he found someone with a conscience when he chose to sneak around!

[SoleMate]

This response by the BW is why I usually tend towards advising exOW not to disclose. It seems to lengthen the ordeal and add a new layer of anguish/drama to it, when the BW lashes back....as 80-90% of them do.

 

I agree a full data packet is more convincing, but it's also more work, prolongation of drama, and potentially a security risk as it provides info about the exOW that might be used against her.

 

OP, any way of ending the A and calling it quits is the right way as far as I'm concerned. This thread is about YOU and what's best for you. Looking forward to brighter days for you ahead.

[awomansworth]

I don't think asking for proof is burying her head in the sand. Did you give her any proof or respond that you would be willing to?

 

I don't think it's burying her head in the sand either, until the next text that sounded like she didn't want to believe me. I think she's conflicted with what to believe and is taking it out on me. I was prepared for it though, thanks to many of the posts here.

 

I didn't send her any proof, but I told her I am willing to talk and/or meet. As I said earlier, I don't want to spend the time gathering proof for her. I'd rather just sit down and show her my phone and she can go through it or call him herself.

 

Besides, with the way her texts were, I have a feeling that if I send her a screenshot of texts or anything like that, she could easily accuse me of making them all up because apparently I'm the crazy one here.

 

I also think people who are telling you how they would have done it, are not telling you were right or wrong, just sharing from either having lived something similar or heard the stories over and over what is usually most effective.

 

Thanks. I was referring to a couple posts that specifically said I did this the wrong way, but I understand what you and they mean.

[awomansworth]

You didn't do the easy thing- you did the right thing. Good for you! I wish she hadn't turned on you; it's something she'll come to regret very soon, IMO.

 

I've been impressed with how you've approached this. Esp when you said you weren't expecting her to fall over in gratitude and were prepared (a few posts earlier).

Even if she's in denial, she has to have nagging doubts- I think she'll definitely come back for details, and the chances are she'll be thanking you at some point. You both are victims of this man. I hope she can see that soon.

 

I can see how annoying it will be to print off and collate and courier a stack of proof to her. It' his job, not yours, to provide a timeline & the details. Maybe you could just forward her some texts/emails/photos? And if you still feel up to it, leave a door open in case she does want to contact you?

 

She's lucky (and he's not) that he found someone with a conscience when he chose to sneak around!

 

Thank you. I really appreciate this. I really do hope she comes around or that she at least has doubts. This is going to sound strange or maybe even insincere, but I really do feel for her. Regardless of what happened in their marriage, she didn't deserve to be lied to and cheated.

[awomansworth]

 

Awomansworth, please come back and post. Not about what happened to the wife, but about how you are and what you are feeling. How are you coping? How is your heart? And your health? Are you ok?

 

Lots of love and admiration,

Yodel

 

Hi Yodel, I'm sorry, I read your post but I don't think I ever responded because I was still hurting. Thank you for sharing your experience. You have no idea how much it helped me.

 

Thank you also for asking how I am. I don't know, to be honest. Some days I'm great, most days I'm not. Sometimes it feels like it really is just the beginning stages. It's definitely unlike any breakup I've ever had. It's something I can't quite describe.

 

I have since told family and a couple friends. They have been supportive, but they don't truly understand how I am feeling. I don't blame them. They have never been in this situation. So, I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to and have been dealing with it on my own.

 

I'm just taking it one day at a time. Some days I just sit and cry, but it's getting less so maybe I am making progress.

 

The anger has also somewhat subsided. I don't desire to punish him anymore. I don't want to hurt him and I know that I did by telling her and just cutting off communication with him. I do want him to do the right thing.

 

I am starting to feel like a victim. I don't know if that's good or bad, but it does mean I feel less guilty than I did when I first posted. I'm beginning to see that I did nothing wrong. Or maybe victim is the wrong word. I feel wronged. That's why I could never see him the same way again.

 

It still hurts though. A lot. I really truly loved him. I feel naive thinking our love was real, but it does still feel real. I also feel naive for feeling he really did love me, but there's a part of me that doesn't doubt he really does care.

 

I feel like I lost the love of my life, as dramatic as that sounds. He was everything I wanted in a man and what we had was everything I've ever wanted in a relationship. In a husband. In a marriage. Everything was so natural with us, how we clicked, how we laughed, how we bonded, how we loved... we were so HAPPY. It all makes me so sad now.

 

I often wonder what was real and what wasn't, but none of that matters now. I am just trying to move forward.

 

As silly as it sounds, I think corresponding with his wife has helped me heal. Maybe I want to show her proof in person because it will help with my healing as well.

 

Some days I feel stuck. Other days, like today, I feel like I made one step forward. That matters, right?

 

Sorry if my thoughts are all over the place. Thank you again for asking how I am. And thank you everyone for keeping this thread going and sharing your thoughts. I appreciate it all, even if I didn't agree with your opinion, it's all appreciated. You all have helped me tremendously, especially when I have no one to truly run to.

[awomansworth]

I think if there was one word to describe how I feel...

 

I feel empty.

 

Like there's this hollowness inside of me. In my heart. In my life. In everything.

[Chuff]

I think if there was one word to describe how I feel...

 

I feel empty.

 

Like there's this hollowness inside of me. In my heart. In my life. In everything.

 

Start filling that emptiness with other things that once made you happy. Friends, hobbies, pampering...even if you don't feel like it right now. And I know you don't. Force yourself. Start now.

 

It WILL get better. It WILL get easier. Baby steps. You can do this! You have already shown yourself to be an amazingly strong woman.

 

We are here for you!