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Going to tell his wife


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You've been through so much. I'm glad you've told your family and friends and have support and a good perspective.

 

You absolutely were a victim. He was lying to your face from the very beginning. Everything he did was in bad faith.

 

It's not surprising that the BW doesn't believe you. Look at how effortless and elaborate his lies are. My WH was not able to lie to my face like that. He mostly lied by omission and deflection. It's takes a special type of personality disorder to do what this man did to you and his wife. I can't imagine learning that my husband was a straight-up, bald-faced, in your face, pathological liar. And I write this a woman whose husband had an affair and was obviously dishonest to do so. So she has to decide which is easier to believe -- that her husband and father of her children is a pathological liar, or that some stranger is.

 

Do you have pictures of you and her husband? A picture says a thousand words. Sure, he'll just change his story to incorporate why these pictures are all a big misunderstanding, but I think it would plant more seeds of doubt for her.

 

In any event, I think you've done your part. You don't need to do any more unless you feel it's right for you.

 

Just because it turned out your relationship was built on false premises doesn't make it any less real for you. You must grieve what you thought you had and would have in the future. You must deal with the anger that he stole a year of your life. Are you in IC?

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Eighty_nine

It baffles me that a spouse could receive this kind of message and think that the person at the other end was lying to them. Who would ever go out of their way to make something up like that-- what would their motive be? That doesn't happen, except maybe from people with extreme mental health issues or delusional disorders, but it's pretty clear when an individual is suffering from those things.

 

People don't make this stuff up for sh*ts and giggles. Her response seems to me like a deep form of denial.

 

I think I'd provide something; a screen shot of texts or forwarded email or a photo of you two together romantically. Nothing over the top. The thing is this woman may drive herself crazy going back & forth on whether or not you're telling the truth so I think it may be kinder at this point to give her some kind of evidence, and leave it at that.

 

And I agree with your statement-- there's no 'right' way to do this, what is right is what felt right for you. I don't think text messages are ineffectual at all, again because... why would someone ever make such a thing up?! I'm so sorry this happened to you, you are a victim and deserve time to grieve,

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ChickiePops

You ARE a victim and you have every right to feel like one.

 

Just remind yourself what the 'love of your life' did to you. The man you love is an illusion created by a wolf in sheeps clothing. He's not real.

 

I'm so sorry for your pain.

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You are indeed a victim. You're a victim of his lies and deceit. He's everything you wanted in a man except he's a lying cheat....and you don't want that.

 

You know I was reading about how one MM was looking for an OW...but whenever he said he was married it put the women off. So he set out to lie about his marital status.

 

Then he said he'd be taking off his ring ...leave it at work and tell his wife he lost it..... and would look for an OW ....but not tell her he was married. All the other cheaters told him this was wrong and that he should stop looking for an OW in clubs and bars and try Ashley Madison or POF ....and be upfront.

 

Perhaps your Ex wanted someone else...alongside his wife and resorted to deception like the other MM, because he was getting knocked back.

 

Having been lied to in a similar fashion .... I know how hurtful it is.

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It baffles me that a spouse could receive this kind of message and think that the person at the other end was lying to them. Who would ever go out of their way to make something up like that-- what would their motive be? That doesn't happen, except maybe from people with extreme mental health issues or delusional disorders, but it's pretty clear when an individual is suffering from those things.

 

People don't make this stuff up for sh*ts and giggles. Her response seems to me like a deep form of denial.

 

I think I'd provide something; a screen shot of texts or forwarded email or a photo of you two together romantically. Nothing over the top. The thing is this woman may drive herself crazy going back & forth on whether or not you're telling the truth so I think it may be kinder at this point to give her some kind of evidence, and leave it at that.

 

And I agree with your statement-- there's no 'right' way to do this, what is right is what felt right for you. I don't think text messages are ineffectual at all, again because... why would someone ever make such a thing up?! I'm so sorry this happened to you, you are a victim and deserve time to grieve,

 

 

You would think so, but it does happen. I worked in a large company that was majority women. Several times a year, I had to get involved in situations where people were harassing other people based on stuff they made up(or believed because they were mentally ill and misunderstood other peoples actions). You would be amazed at the delusional stuff people put their names to. And, that doesn't even begin to cover the stuff people report anonymously that cant be substantiated(whether or not its true.)

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dreamingoftigers
Thanks for your responses.

 

Yes, she requested proof. The way she responded is what's making me reconsider and wanting to just stay away, as though whatever proof I have wont be enough for her anyway unless it comes straight from his mouth. To her I'm just out to ruin her marriage.

 

Just a side note: I don't think it's fair to say that I should have done this "correctly." We all have our own way of handling things and it's not anyone's place to say what's the right way and what isn't. We do what's right for us and the situation.

 

I don't remember if I talked about my reasons, but I didn't go the courier or anonymous package route because to me that's cowardly. And you know what, I'm not going to take the time to print out, screenshot, etc. texts, photos, videos, bank statements, whatever and package them for her physically or electronically. I have better things to do with time.

 

My preference was to tell her, then talk or meet up if she wanted proof. I want to leave the ball in her court and do everything personally. I used a different number not to be anonymous, but to protect myself and so I can screen if/when she contacts me.

 

It was never my goal to convince her. It was just to tell her because she deserves to know. What she chooses to believe is her choice.

 

I would think it's very weird if someone contacted me (in my happy marriage) out of the blue saying "I bang your husband" and then refused to send anything my way suggesting the above happened.

 

Even dates or events would be significant to me.

 

Idk why you wouldn't send it along and expect her to believe you over her spouse who is gaslighting the crap out of her. And then kind of blame her for not automatically figuring it all out.

 

I don't see how much more time it would take.

 

It's good you said something to her (VERY GOOD) as opposed to nothing, but I don't get why there's any hesitation there at all. Especially when the d-bag is still contacting you!

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^thats true, but I still think it is incredibly rare and unusual.

 

 

I think you missed my point. If you counted the anonymous stuff it wasn't rare and unusual. It happened all the time.

 

 

Some undoubtedly to get other people in trouble.

 

 

But, a lot the fallout of consensual relationships.

 

 

We(my peers and I) used to call it, "We used to be in love, now I'm not, you(meaning the manager) tell him/her."

 

 

It happened mainly with the 20/30 something crowd. Bizarre, but not rare.

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I would think it's very weird if someone contacted me (in my happy marriage) out of the blue saying "I bang your husband" and then refused to send anything my way suggesting the above happened.

 

Even dates or events would be significant to me.

 

Idk why you wouldn't send it along and expect her to believe you over her spouse who is gaslighting the crap out of her. And then kind of blame her for not automatically figuring it all out.

 

I don't see how much more time it would take.

 

It's good you said something to her (VERY GOOD) as opposed to nothing, but I don't get why there's any hesitation there at all. Especially when the d-bag is still contacting you!

 

In my experience I sent a letter with dates, locations and specific body identifiers. Eventually made myself transparent (read vulnerable to who knew what blow back). The first reaction is denial. I feel like I accommodated more then enough and she still wanted to believe him. They did as far as I know break up for good, but I let that go the minute I knew I was being lied to in what I thought was the early stages with an available person. My motive was escape and perhaps helping someone else to as well. Not prove anything, I had my info.

 

The OP has been lied to for a year. She did what she could. Adding details, adds drama, exposes her to a potential unknown 2 or more front attack. Not to mention how she has to be grieving being deceived for a year and healing from a heartbreak spurn from deception. Staying in someone else's fight, keeps her from healing. That sucks.

 

In my case I did lay out the facts as I knew them and offered like op an alternate way to contact me. Wasn't enough, provided ...more. Wasn't enough...provided continued (unanswered contact)...wasn't enough... I changed my number and vanished. The paranoia was scary. Doing the right thing is scary.

 

OP, you threw her a life preserver and she refused to take it. She will think of you years later when she regrets her choices now. Or she may investigate. It is all on her now. Try to remove that poison from your system and carry on knowing you tried.

Edited by underpants
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I recently found out that I am the other woman. Via Facebook, of course. I'm still trying to process all the hurt and anger from it, but I have decided that I want to tell his wife, sometime this week.

 

Yes, there are reasons like, she deserves to know, her physical health and did I mention they are about to close on a new house??? And she's (they're??) planning on having another baby???

 

I admit my reasons are also selfish. I'm going to be really honest here: I want to punish him. He does not know that I know as much as I do. So when I found out, he still lied to me about it all, making things infinitely worse. I feel so wronged. Cheated. Violated.

 

At the same time, I don't want to hurt her or ruin her happiness. She's always posting about how happy she is and how much she loves him and their kids. They have a 10 year old and 2 yr old. I don't want to tear their family apart. She deserves to know. She doesn't deserve to be hurt. As a woman, I'd want to know.

 

Looking for support and thoughts please. Thank you.

 

Greetings,

 

First I would like to say that I'm so sorry you are feeling angry and upset because you have discovered your MM's deceit and dishonesty. I do understand that you don't want to break up a marriage and rip a family apart. I'm glad that you discovered that your MM was lying to you. And if you continued to stay with him, the lies and deception would only get worse.

 

Is there a way that you can remain anonymous in telling your MM's wife that he has been cheating and lying to both you and her at the same time? And the fact that MM still lied to you just to get his way from you really shows you the low life mentality he has. MM is just trying to have the best of both worlds. He thinks that he's got game. Like he has his wife and family at home, and he have you on the side. I mean this is going to be a battle in which you have to decide for yourself "is it best for me to get some pressure off my chest and expose MM for who he really is? Or should I forgive myself and move on with my life even though the heart ache and pain is going to take some time to heal?"

 

Good luck with everything. No one should be angry with you because you are honest enough to tell the truth. I don't blame you for not wanting to be left alone in the dark anymore. Please keep us posted on the status of it all.

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1111volcano

I would not tell her. You say you don't want to hurt her so let her find out what kind of scum he is on her own and go NC on him.

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