Kandy Posted June 14, 2005 Share Posted June 14, 2005 Hey everybody, I have a situation that some of u could probabily give me some advise about... I've been with my wonderful boyfriend for 5 months now. We're doing great. There's only one problem: My jealousy. I didn't just start acting this way, it's everytime I've had a serious relationship. I'm just so ready to get help now, because I don't want to let myself ruin a great relationship. He dosen't know I feel the ways I do, but sometimes I have trouble hiding my jealousy. The problem is that I don't WANT to be this way. I want to be normal and happy, and I definately could be if I put an end to all this. So here we go... *I get jealous of his exes: I constantly compare (in my mind, not to him) me to them, if he loved me or them more, things he did for them / bought for them, etc. This is tearing me up, worrying about them all the time when I know I shouldn't on one hand, but on the other it's always there on my mind.... *I get jealous of him having female friends: I don't mind him talking to them, as long as he has me right under his arm the whole time and acts like he loves me. I don't want him hugging or being overly friendly with them, and I want them to KNOW that he's taken, and that they need to have respect for me as his GF. Don't get me wrong though, I DON'T MIND HIM TALKING TO GIRLS, just no flirting. And I concider hugging the person more than once in one night and being overly friendly flirting. Sometimes I just feel like these girls are trying me, trying to make me jealous by being flirty / overly nice. Is it just me or is this rediculous? Keep in mind I totally trust my man and I know he loves me. I know he wouldn't cheat on me. *I don't feel comfortable going out with other couples: I have no problem with hanging out with our guy friends, but the minute they bring around a girl, I'm not wanting to hang out with them. Can you guys tell me why I feel this way? Because I honestly don't know!! I've always been like this... *I get jealous if he tells anyone besides me that he loves them or higs / kisses them. I think this is definately the worst one...and I'm not talking about other girls. He doesn't do that. I'm talking about mainly female family members. I mean, once and a while is ok, but everytime you leave the house / get off the phone? Is it really nessisary / normal for a guy to do that? I mean, I know some girls are like that, but that's females...Just to clear this up, No I don't think he would cheat on me with his own mom! LOL...I think my problem is that I want to be the only one he does it to everytime we leave eachother, or talk on the phone...I guess I just want to feel special and he gives me what he dosen't give EVERYONE ELSE. Know what I mean? I think out of all my jealousy problems this is the worst one. Like I said I didn't just start with the man i'm with now....it's been every relationship I've been in pretty much. I know some of these sound rediculous, but I feel comfortable enough here to be honest, that way you guys can give me honest advise. I really need it Remember, I haven't shown / talked to him about any of this. Like I said I don't want this to hurt us, because these are my problems that I hope I can fix. Thanks for listening and sorry it was so long Link to post Share on other sites
UltimateZen Posted June 14, 2005 Share Posted June 14, 2005 Wow, you are just teeming with emotions aren't you?? You need to get your jealousy under control before you hurt him and yourself. Maybe my thoughts can help, but I think you might be better off talking with a professional about this because there might be underlining issues that we or even you may not be aware of that are causing you to feel this way. Anyway, here it goes: Originally posted by Kandy *I get jealous of his exes: I constantly compare (in my mind, not to him) me to them, if he loved me or them more, things he did for them / bought for them, etc. This is tearing me up, worrying about them all the time when I know I shouldn't on one hand, but on the other it's always there on my mind.... This is a self confidence issue. You need to be a little bit of a b!tch and tell yourself that you are better than the exes. Don't stress yourself about what he did for them or what they did for him, it is in the past. And there is a reason why they are not in his present or his future..... Originally posted by Kandy *I get jealous of him having female friends: I don't mind him talking to them, as long as he has me right under his arm the whole time and acts like he loves me. I don't want him hugging or being overly friendly with them, and I want them to KNOW that he's taken, and that they need to have respect for me as his GF. Don't get me wrong though, I DON'T MIND HIM TALKING TO GIRLS, just no flirting. And I concider hugging the person more than once in one night and being overly friendly flirting. Sometimes I just feel like these girls are trying me, trying to make me jealous by being flirty / overly nice. Is it just me or is this rediculous? Keep in mind I totally trust my man and I know he loves me. I know he wouldn't cheat on me. Well, this one is something we all are faced with at one point or another in a relationship. What to do with the significant other's opposing sex friends (or in some instances same sex if you go that way). With my fiance, I realized that her male friends are strictly that...just friends. I know that the way she looks at me, the way she behaves, and the way she talks about me at her work/with her friends I have the utmost confidence that I am the only one for her. Although I am quite good looking , there will always be those out there who are on the model pedistle with whom you feel uncomfortable around. It is his responsibility to tell his female friends that he is taken and that you are his g/f. If they respect him, they will welcome you into their friendship circle and it is just a matter of time that you really get to know them and that they are indeed, just his friends. Originally posted by Kandy *I don't feel comfortable going out with other couples: I have no problem with hanging out with our guy friends, but the minute they bring around a girl, I'm not wanting to hang out with them. Can you guys tell me why I feel this way? Because I honestly don't know!! I've always been like this... I consider this borderline anti-social. People need to grow, and one of the best ways to do that is in a social atmosphere....both male and female. It seems that you take offence to any sort of female presence and you see it as a threat; this leads me to believe that you have been betrayed or hurt somehow in the past by someone. Perhaps you only played with ken dolls and did not have the Jan doll to compete with barbie Just kidding there. Anyway, you need to reflect in yourself why you are feeling this way about other women in social environments. I can only say that it is built in females that there is a natural competition among women; to stand out and be the most attractive and to gain the attention from the opposite sex. Introducing competition on the scene brings out something within women that forces them to compete; down to who is wearing the prettier dress, to the best hair, and of course the best body. Women constantly judge others and ask themselves how that person fits with her idea of what is beautiful and if it is beautiful they ask why is it that way. Anyway, I'm rambling. The best way to resolve this is to talk to your b/f about your comfort factor and then go out with as many couple outings as possible. Have fun! Enjoy your b/f and the company you are in....no matter if they are female. Originally posted by Kandy *I get jealous if he tells anyone besides me that he loves them or higs / kisses them. I think this is definately the worst one...and I'm not talking about other girls. He doesn't do that. I'm talking about mainly female family members. I mean, once and a while is ok, but everytime you leave the house / get off the phone? Is it really nessisary / normal for a guy to do that? I mean, I know some girls are like that, but that's females...Just to clear this up, No I don't think he would cheat on me with his own mom! LOL...I think my problem is that I want to be the only one he does it to everytime we leave eachother, or talk on the phone...I guess I just want to feel special and he gives me what he dosen't give EVERYONE ELSE. Know what I mean? I think out of all my jealousy problems this is the worst one. Like I said I didn't just start with the man i'm with now....it's been every relationship I've been in pretty much. I would be concerned about this to. But let me lend some insight. I am very close with my family, yet I have a very strong sense of identity. Saying "I love you" to my dad, my mom, my sister, my MIL, my FIL, my brother, my BIL, etc. occurs naturally because they are my family and I have a special place in my heart for them. This has nothing to do with the love that I have for my fiance. The love is very different. However, the love and the committment I have to my fiance will always be first in my life. She is my one and only. Just as you are with your b/f. If your b/f is not reassuring you of this, he needs to. However, be careful because he may be reassuring you, but you are not listening entirely OR you want more. You need to change your mindset, reassure yourself that you are special in his eyes, and get to know his female friends and family more. The more contact you have with them, the more you will feel comfortable and given time, these issues will dwindle away. I wish the best for you and your b/f. Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedInOC Posted June 14, 2005 Share Posted June 14, 2005 Get a book on self-confidence, please. Set some F.A.I.T.H. based goals. Try your best to see and accept things for what they are. (Live in the present, not in your mind) Live by the following rule "A man who loves himself will have no rivals." Speak the serenity prayer and understand what it means. ("God please grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.") Your insecurity and lack of self-confidence will do nothing but harm to your relationship and most definitely chase him away. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kandy Posted June 15, 2005 Author Share Posted June 15, 2005 Thank you both for helping...I feel so much better now that I have actually talked to people about how I feel. Like I said before. I know I have a big jealousy problem, but I am willing to adnoledge that and try to do something about it. I love my boyfriend, and I am willing to do whatever it takes to get over my problems. I really appreciate your advice. I've now made a promise to myself and my relationship to make myself a better person. Link to post Share on other sites
photogrrrl Posted June 15, 2005 Share Posted June 15, 2005 Hey Kandy, I am trying to get over a very similar problem. I have recently picked up a book called "mind over mood". Its a work book that helps you work through your though process - my thoughts were exactly what was fueling my jealousy. I would have a small jealous feeling (probably normal) that would get blown way out of proportion because I would keep thinking and thinking and thinking...... Until the feelings had nothing to do with the original situation. Its probably a self esteem issue as well, which it is for me too. Check out the book - its already helping me. Good luck, Kelly Link to post Share on other sites
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