Caught watching porn ~ blocked on whatsapp fb calls

[Roma7]

I do watch porn every few days. I realize its insulting to her. I came to show her something from a website but it went to the last site i went to. She saw that and went berserk

L

 

4 years together. 2nd time caught. From the beginning we spoke about it and explained i dont look often and i dont see it like she sees it although i understand her side. Its not easy to stop. Not sure how many have stopped with it completely.

 

Last week she blocked me from fb whatsapp calls. I can email or call her through a blocked number. Not sure what to do her. She took it very hard I cant promise i wont look again. I can promise that i will do it much less.

 

The reason i look is mainly to satisfy domething im missing with her. Shes not as kinky as id like her to be. I did speak with her about it many times but over 4 years its just not happening. I dont think breaking up is the solution.

 

I did apologize and i tried explaining and told her how i realize it's hurtful and insulting and Its very hard to stop.

 

I dont think i can stop completely. I did ask my male frirnds and they all said shes crazy. Im certain its not the same from a womans pov.

[basil67]

I'm not going into the rights and wrongs of this - I will just say this is a matter of the two of you having different and incompatible ethics.

 

Now while you may feel this is not worth breaking up over, she may well feel differently to you. If she can't accept your use of porn, then her only option is to end the relationship. And whether or not your mates agree, this is her prerogative.

 

It looks like decision time is coming up: Stay together with no porn or end things and let you have your porn. This is what she would be considering right now.

[Satu]

Engage your empathy and look at it from her perspective.

[elaine567]

The porn viewing is obviously a huge issue for her, so no matter how much you want to minimise it or think she is "crazy", she doesn't see it that way.

 

ALSO

 

I do watch porn every few days.

 

...The reason i look is mainly to satisfy something im missing with her. She's not as kinky as id like her to be. I did speak with her about it many times but over 4 years its just not happening.

 

^^^This is also a big issue and probably he reason you should really split up with her. This is NOT going to improve, likely it will get worse.

Your sexual incompatibility will cause ructions in the future, and once resentment sets in on either or both sides, you will both be miserable.

[Roma7]

before I posted I have followed this site for a while. one thing I noticed about folks posting, its always for breaking up. and for simple things that can be worked out. I hardly see any posts saying fight for the relationship. go to a therapist, talk to a counselor. try to work things out.

 

so unless you have something that will help me try to work things out, best you dont post. I dont care to hear "move on or break up or you have differences" its not relevant for me.

 

Im curious how many are in a long relationship NOW. 4 years is very little for a relationship so I wonder how many who post here are in a long term relationship that they can advise others?

[dreamingoftigers]

before I posted I have followed this site for a while. one thing I noticed about folks posting, its always for breaking up. and for simple things that can be worked out. I hardly see any posts saying fight for the relationship. go to a therapist, talk to a counselor. try to work things out.

 

so unless you have something that will help me try to work things out, best you dont post. I dont care to hear "move on or break up or you have differences" its not relevant for me.

 

Im curious how many are in a long relationship NOW. 4 years is very little for a relationship so I wonder how many who post here are in a long term relationship that they can advise others?

 

Porn is a deal-breaker for me.

 

Been married ten years and it almost destroyed my marriage (husband was obsessed with it, but it was a total bait and switch. Said he wasn't a porn user at all).

 

I would end things with him entirely if he out our family through all of that garbage again.

 

If I dated again, no matter how much it limited my potential dating pool, I wouldn't date someone that used it. I went through too much with my husband.

[BlueIris]

I do watch porn every few days. I realize its insulting to her. I came to show her something from a website but it went to the last site i went to. She saw that and went berserk

L

...

 

The reason i look is mainly to satisfy domething im missing with her. Shes not as kinky as id like her to be. I did speak with her about it many times but over 4 years its just not happening. I dont think breaking up is the solution.

 

You are dissatisfied with her, so it really is good that the two of you broke up.

 

Just think about what things you would be ok with her doing and what you wouldn't be ok with. You are allowed to have your own limits or boundaries, and so is she.

[Roma7]

Porn is a deal-breaker for me.

 

Been married ten years and it almost destroyed my marriage (husband was obsessed with it, but it was a total bait and switch. Said he wasn't a porn user at all).

 

I would end things with him entirely if he out our family through all of that garbage again.

 

If I dated again, no matter how much it limited my potential dating pool, I wouldn't date someone that used it. I went through too much with my husband.

 

I told her that I watch, but not often. I told and asked my make friends and all said they watch to a certain degree. dont know any male friend that doesnt watch so Im really curious how many watch. Im certain there are a few although I think a very small number. even if they may not admit watching. wtih such a huge porn industry, im highly doubtful the percent that watch is small. I know its not right, but crap, if a guy doesnt get satisfied (for me its kink and fetishes) he will look to porn.

 

Obsessed, like a few times a day? or is my tendencies obsessed as well? I dont watch porn of men and women together or women only. I have a specific fetish with panties.

 

do you believe he doesnt watch porn at all today?

[Roma7]

You are dissatisfied with her, so it really is good that the two of you broke up.

 

Just think about what things you would be ok with her doing and what you wouldn't be ok with. You are allowed to have your own limits or boundaries, and so is she.

 

I didnt say dissatisfied. I deal with what I have. if I was, I wouldnt be with her till now. I moved upsate to live near her.

 

your breakup comments come very eay to you and so easy to type. you dont know what people go through and a few sentences doesnt mean a thing. every couple have minuses they want to fix in their partners.

 

I dont give up so fast till I realize things cant be fixed. so your breakup comment is not relevant. thank you though. if you can think outside of the "breakup" box people here seem to lean towards as advice, and can offer something better on how I could try to work things out then Id love to hear it. but alas I had a gut feeling getting help besides "break up" from the folks here would be a challenge.

[BlueIris]

Yes, I guess I do.

 

You said that the kink is “missing” from your relationship with her, that you satisfy that desire through porn, and that you won’t stop- but that she disapproves and she “caught” you, which indicates you lie to her (and maybe have been lying for years?).

 

Is the answer you’re seeking that she’s wrong, she should accept it?

 

Because if that’s what you want to hear, I won’t say it. You are going to keep doing this so the only solution I can see is that she should not object to it or you accept that its a deal breaker for her-- but she gets to object to it.

 

Are you willing to quit it and apologize for lying (if you did)?

Edited March 15, 2016 by BlueIris
to ask question

[SammySammy]

before I posted I have followed this site for a while. one thing I noticed about folks posting, its always for breaking up. and for simple things that can be worked out. I hardly see any posts saying fight for the relationship. go to a therapist, talk to a counselor. try to work things out.

 

so unless you have something that will help me try to work things out, best you dont post. I dont care to hear "move on or break up or you have differences" its not relevant for me.

 

Im curious how many are in a long relationship NOW. 4 years is very little for a relationship so I wonder how many who post here are in a long term relationship that they can advise others?

 

If you're not open to a variety of opinions, then you probably shouldn't ask for advice in an open forum.

 

With that said, in my opinion, she did you a favor. You should have broken up with her a long time ago. When she first tried to control you.

 

You and I both know your occasional porn use is harmless. If she's going to freak out and end the relationship after "catching" you the second time in four years, then I believe fighting for this relationship is pointless.

 

You have two choices. Bow and kowtow to her. Go your own way with your head held high and find someone more reasonable. You choose.

[Roma7]

Yes, I guess I do.

 

You said that the kink is “missing” from your relationship with her, that you satisfy that desire through porn, and that you won’t stop- but that she disapproves and she “caught” you, which indicates you lie to her (and maybe have been lying for years?).

 

Is the answer you’re seeking that she’s wrong, she should accept it?

 

Because if that’s what you want to hear, I won’t say it. You are going to keep doing this so the only solution I can see is that she should not object to it or you accept that its a deal breaker for her-- but she gets to object to it.

 

Are you willing to quit it and apologize for lying (if you did)?

 

wait wait wait with your lies. never did I say I lied to her. I told her from the get go when we spoke of it once in a long while that I did and it wasnt often. dont put words in my mouth with manipulating the conversation please.

 

I dont think I can stop completely but I dont know. I did have a GF that was very kinky. she loved spnaking and light role playing and wearing sexy lingerie I bought her. even in the bedroom she knew how to seduce and tease and flirt and she knew how to get me fired up.

 

I am certain though that if I got satisfied for my kink through that I wouldnt need porn at all. even in sex I fantasize about her in the kinky things I think of. I dont think of others.

 

the answer is I need to stop porn but I cant do it unless I get my kinky things filled. so I can do it, but its not only on me. I didnt get a chance to tell her though the reason for me going to porn. it would be more damaging to say "cause youre not kinky enough" although it needs to be said.

 

the answer is clear on both fronts but a breakup is not the answer. maybe for people who like the easy way out.

[BlueIris]

wait wait wait with your lies. never did I say I lied to her. I told her from the get go when we spoke of it once in a long while that I did and it wasnt often. dont put words in my mouth with manipulating the conversation please.

 

I dont think I can stop completely but I dont know. I did have a GF that was very kinky. she loved spnaking and light role playing and wearing sexy lingerie I bought her. even in the bedroom she knew how to seduce and tease and flirt and she knew how to get me fired up.

 

I am certain though that if I got satisfied for my kink through that I wouldnt need porn at all. even in sex I fantasize about her in the kinky things I think of. I dont think of others.

 

the answer is I need to stop porn but I cant do it unless I get my kinky things filled. so I can do it, but its not only on me. I didnt get a chance to tell her though the reason for me going to porn. it would be more damaging to say "cause youre not kinky enough" although it needs to be said.

 

the answer is clear on both fronts but a breakup is not the answer. maybe for people who like the easy way out.

 

You are mighty defensive. I didn't "lie." I said "indicate" and "if you did." Perhaps the porn was just a last straw or excuse for other reasons that she was done.

 

In any event, one person can break up with the other. People don't need our consent to break up with us. It's ok to be hurt or angry, but if someone breaks up and cuts us off, we have no choice but to move on.

[Roma7]

If you're not open to a variety of opinions, then you probably shouldn't ask for advice in an open forum.

 

With that said, in my opinion, she did you a favor. You should have broken up with her a long time ago. When she first tried to control you.

 

You and I both know your occasional porn use is harmless. If she's going to freak out and end the relationship after "catching" you the second time in four years, then I believe fighting for this relationship is pointless.

 

You have two choices. Bow and kowtow to her. Go your own way with your head held high and find someone more reasonable. You choose.

 

 

I have no issue with "variety of opinions" where did you see a variety of opinions besides the closed minded "break up" of the folks here? these are not things to break up in a long relationship. these are things people work out. back 40 years ago, pops would have his playboy magazine and when there were problems they worked it out. you keep trying. if you love that person and see a future with them, you work things out. but following this forum for a long time, all I see are folks with the easy to type "breakup"

 

and I cant image how many good relationships with potential that could have worked out have parted because of advice from folks here. no wonder the stats for singles and divorced is so high. no wonder why people dont want to commit today. its all a clown show today with people just finding someone else to be with for two months till they find out the person likes to talk to their goldfish pet and then its a red flag, better break up.

 

control? nah, not at all. the porn bothers her and it bothers me also. I dont know how id react if I saw her looking at joes naked. I understand her side because it is insulting. as if she not enough. like she doesnt attract me enought hat I need porn to be satisfied. I understand that. my side is hard on two counts. 1 is stopping to watch it and 2nd is getting my needs filled. if I dont get 2 then I goto 1. both I believe can be fixed though.

 

she did say to me though that if im horny to tell her and I get relief here and there but theres a certain something im missing and she can do it as shes shy. I try to encourage her but its a slow process. and its not enough.

[Roma7]

You are mighty defensive. I didn't "lie." I said "indicate" and "if you did." Perhaps the porn was just a last straw or excuse for other reasons that she was done.

 

In any event, one person can break up with the other. People don't need our consent to break up with us. It's ok to be hurt or angry, but if someone breaks up and cuts us off, we have no choice but to move on.

 

you like manipulating words to assume or insinuate things which is none of those. my words are very precise. I said everything from the get go. dont try to make things seem worse then they are.

 

"but that she disapproves and she “caught” you, which indicates you lie to her (and maybe have been lying for years?)."

 

where did I say that I lied to her or she had no clue that I was watching porn. she caught me on the phone. it doesnt mean she didnt know. dont manipulate words. its the thing I hate the most with people. like lawyers who try to turn words around to make a case for themselves. you should ask if it easnt clear for you but if you come and assume its true and then you try to turn it around by saying maybe you lied to her for years. thats manipulating words. you have no credibility in my eyes. so dont tell me im defensive. its being defensive to you lying and manipulating. be accurate in what you say.

 

I wasnt deceitful or untruthful. I said everything from the get go. I was denying watching porn even when we had that first discussion years back. she caght me with her own eyes. but she knew I did it. I said it in the first post 2nd sentence. I didnt deny it like most men. I said it as it is.

 

"Perhaps the porn was just a last straw or excuse for other reasons that she was done."

 

I see your BS insinuations or assumptions. dont try blowing this up to more than what was said or what it is. you dont know so keep those comments to a minimum.

 

"but if someone breaks up and cuts us off, we have no choice but to move on."

 

maybe thats you. you dont see a choice. maybe you dont put effort in and if someone says I dont want to see you anymore, you take it literally and never thought about giving a bit of space and letting things cool off a bit and then try to make contact and possibly work things out. maybe you dont care to commit and fight. see what I did there? I assumed and insinuated. just like you.

 

bottom line, you want to offer advice on how I can try to fix things? otherwise, goto the next comment to offer your help.

[elaine567]

Obviously you must have made her believe you were not viewing porn, else she would not have gone "berserk" when she saw it. She would have instead gone "Oh yes, Roma said he would still be viewing porn", she would NOT then have blocked you on Whatsapp/fb.

She "caught" you out. She was not aware you were still viewing porn after the first episode. She probably forgave you on the assumption it wouldn't happen again and now it has.

 

So whilst this may be a "simple" porn problem, it is NOT so simple, she put her trust in you and you let her down.

Trust is a huge component of a healthy relationship, and with no trust there is often no relationship.

 

Add to that the sexual incompatibility with your kink and her refusal to play that game, then is it any wonder that most here do not see much future?

Yes, you could go to counselling but most women are either OK with porn or not, so I doubt it would change her mind.

As for your fetish/kink, she hasn't been interested for four years, so I guess you are flogging a dead horse there too.

If she does ever come back, it may be worthwhile discussing your kink in detail with her, if she is amenable or even going to sex therapy - but trying to work up enthusiasm for something that may not excite her at a basic level, may be difficult I feel.

[Roma7]

Obviously you must have made her believe you were not viewing porn, else she would not have gone "berserk" when she saw it. She would have instead gone "Oh yes, Roma said he would still be viewing porn", she would NOT then have blocked you on Whatsapp/fb.

She "caught" you out. She was not aware you were still viewing porn after the first episode. She probably forgave you on the assumption it wouldn't happen again and now it has.

 

So whilst this may be a "simple" porn problem, it is NOT so simple, she put her trust in you and you let her down.

Trust is a huge component of a healthy relationship, and with no trust there is often no relationship.

 

Add to that the sexual incompatibility with your kink and her refusal to play that game, then is it any wonder that most here do not see much future?

Yes, you could go to counselling but most women are either OK with porn or not, so I doubt it would change her mind.

As for your fetish/kink, she hasn't been interested for four years, so I guess you are flogging a dead horse there too.

If she does ever come back, it may be worthwhile discussing your kink in detail with her, if she is amenable or even going to sex therapy - but trying to work up enthusiasm for something that may not excite her at a basic level, may be difficult I feel.

 

 

thanks elaine. your advice isnt relevant to me.

[SammySammy]

I have no issue with "variety of opinions" where did you see a variety of opinions besides the closed minded "break up" of the folks here? these are not things to break up in a long relationship. these are things people work out. back 40 years ago, pops would have his playboy magazine and when there were problems they worked it out. you keep trying. if you love that person and see a future with them, you work things out. but following this forum for a long time, all I see are folks with the easy to type "breakup"

 

and I cant image how many good relationships with potential that could have worked out have parted because of advice from folks here. no wonder the stats for singles and divorced is so high. no wonder why people dont want to commit today. its all a clown show today with people just finding someone else to be with for two months till they find out the person likes to talk to their goldfish pet and then its a red flag, better break up.

 

control? nah, not at all. the porn bothers her and it bothers me also. I dont know how id react if I saw her looking at joes naked. I understand her side because it is insulting. as if she not enough. like she doesnt attract me enought hat I need porn to be satisfied. I understand that. my side is hard on two counts. 1 is stopping to watch it and 2nd is getting my needs filled. if I dont get 2 then I goto 1. both I believe can be fixed though.

 

she did say to me though that if im horny to tell her and I get relief here and there but theres a certain something im missing and she can do it as shes shy. I try to encourage her but its a slow process. and its not enough.

 

What do you want, man?

 

You said or alluded that 1) something is "missing" in your sex life and 2) you don't think you can stop using porn.

 

That's what you said. Why not just be honest with yourself and her? That's what you should have done before wasting four years of her life and yours.

 

Asking us how to keep the relationship - knowing how you really feel - is akin to asking us to help you lie to and deceive this woman. It's not likely that any of us are going to do that - whether we agree with porn usage or not.

 

Rather than acting like you're on this noble mission to keep relationships together that none of us can fathom, why not just have some integrity and be true to yourself?

[CarrieT]

You told her this:

I told her that I watch, but not often.

But you started your thread by telling us this:

I do watch porn every few days.

 

Do you realize that "every few days" is considerably more than "not often?"

 

So you are lying to her about your porn habits and justifying it for yourself because it is a particular fetish that she won't engage in....

 

Look, I'm about the kinkiest person on this board (I live as a slave to a Master in a BDSM relationship). The bottom line is that you two are not fundamentally compatible if you have to lie about something that is important to you.

 

For some women, porn is a deal breaker. It is for her. It isn't a deal breaker for all women so you would be best served to find someone who doesn't mind - and, in fact - may enjoy your fetish as well.

[dreamingoftigers]

You told her this:

 

But you started your thread by telling us this:

 

 

Do you realize that "every few days" is considerably more than "not often?"

 

So you are lying to her about your porn habits and justifying it for yourself because it is a particular fetish that she won't engage in....

 

Look, I'm about the kinkiest person on this board (I live as a slave to a Master in a BDSM relationship). The bottom line is that you two are not fundamentally compatible if you have to lie about something that is important to you.

 

For some women, porn is a deal breaker. It is for her. It isn't a deal breaker for all women so you would be best served to find someone who doesn't mind - and, in fact - may enjoy your fetish as well.

 

CarrieT and I probably fall on opposite ends of the porn-opinion and its place in a relationship spectrum.

 

But we both have LTRs and probably would both agree that having compatible sexual natures and ethics is important, if not crucial to the long-term relationship success you are looking for.

 

Breaking up isn't "easy."

 

But living with a completely incompatible partner who looks for outside sources of sexual gratification is torture.

[Spikiera]

I am sorry guys, but if you want to find a guy who doesn't watch porn, it's like saying the sun rises from the west.

 

The best you can do is, date a guy who is smart enough to not let you know that he watches porn.

 

99% of the guys watch porn, you just have to deal with it. I am glad I've never dated any women who get mad at me for watching them.

 

To OP, break up with this one and find someone more open minded.

[CarrieT]

I am sorry guys, but if you want to find a guy who doesn't watch porn, it's like saying the sun rises from the west.

I think you mean to say that "if you want to find a GIRL who doesn't watch porn, it's like saying the sun rises from the west."

 

Be that as it may, I'm a woman who doesn't mind porn (I want more of it than my husband does, actually) and many of my girlfriends are like-minded.

 

We are not unicorns....

[basil67]

before I posted I have followed this site for a while. one thing I noticed about folks posting, its always for breaking up. and for simple things that can be worked out. I hardly see any posts saying fight for the relationship. go to a therapist, talk to a counselor. try to work things out.

 

so unless you have something that will help me try to work things out, best you dont post. I dont care to hear "move on or break up or you have differences" its not relevant for me.

 

Im curious how many are in a long relationship NOW. 4 years is very little for a relationship so I wonder how many who post here are in a long term relationship that they can advise others?

 

I've been with my hubby since 1992, so I guess that counts as long term. May I continue?

 

I didn't suggest you fight for the relationship because you said that you can't give up porn. Of course, if you were willing to do what it takes, then go fight for her.

 

For what it's worth, she's not the one who has to make changes or compromises because it sounds suspiciously like she'd rather end things than accept something which she finds unacceptable. If you want to fight for her, it has to be on her terms.

[66Charger]

I am sorry guys, but if you want to find a guy who doesn't watch porn, it's like saying the sun rises from the west.

 

The best you can do is, date a guy who is smart enough to not let you know that he watches porn.

 

99% of the guys watch porn, you just have to deal with it. I am glad I've never dated any women who get mad at me for watching them.

 

To OP, break up with this one and find someone more open minded.

 

99% of guys do not watch porn WHEN IN A RELATIONSHIP. Why would you when you have the real. If I dont have a woman, sure, I will watch porn. But the difference is, If she opposes me watching porn. NO PROBLEM. Its done. Dont need it. I may then ask for a lot of nudity, but that is usually not a problem.

Edited March 15, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Spikiera]

I think you mean to say that "if you want to find a GIRL who doesn't watch porn, it's like saying the sun rises from the west."

 

Be that as it may, I'm a woman who doesn't mind porn (I want more of it than my husband does, actually) and many of my girlfriends are like-minded.

 

We are not unicorns....

 

No I meant what I said lol. Basically I am saying every guy watches porn. Some posters are saying it is a deal breaker for them, but it is just what guys do. At least it is what normal guys do. I have not met a single guy who doesn't so far in my life. I think it's best to change your mentality rather than forcing your SO to not watch porn, because he will just do it behind your back anyway.