New to separation. Don't know

[Bdub]

Hi. I'm new to this.

My wife of 5 years (been together 10) has asked for a separation. She hasn't said it's over and has said she has hope for us but it's clear that it's a separation and not a break. This is hard for me since I'm still very much in love with her. She's said she needs space to sort her own issues and figure out how she feels about us. So I moved out. It makes sense since we have 3 kids under 5 and we don't want to uproot them. I still stay for tea and the night (on the couch) several nights a week. All this I could handle and be patient with for the few months she wants to figure things out but what worries me is how when I'm round she's constantly on her phone messaging people. She didn't do that when we were together. Also she told me today a old boyfriend had called her out of the blue to catch up. Hes been out of the picture for over 10 years. I asked how he got her number and she says she doesn't know. I appreciate that she told me he called but isn't it strange timing? I can't help but feel suspicious. Like maybe shes casting a net to see if she could find someone better before letting me go completely but keeping me on tenterhooks in case she doesn't. Your thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks

[PegNosePete]

She hasn't said it's over and has said she has hope for us but it's clear that it's a separation and not a break.

Hello Bdub,

This kind of double-speak is very common. She is mincing her words. There is no difference between all of these themes. Whatever words she uses: separation, break, over, hope... the single fact is that she has checked out of the marriage.

 

She's said she needs space to sort her own issues and figure out how she feels about us. So I moved out.

Why on earth did YOU move out because SHE needs space? You are married for goodness sake. Get back in your marital bed. If she wants "space" then she knows where the couch is.

 

when I'm round she's constantly on her phone messaging people. She didn't do that when we were together. Also she told me today a old boyfriend had called her out of the blue to catch up. Hes been out of the picture for over 10 years. I asked how he got her number and she says she doesn't know. I appreciate that she told me he called but isn't it strange timing? I can't help but feel suspicious. Like maybe shes casting a net to see if she could find someone better before letting me go completely but keeping me on tenterhooks in case she doesn't. Your thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks

Dude. She is feeding you pack of lies. If she is constantly on her phone when you're around, what do you think she's like when you're not looking over her shoulder?

 

This ex bf suddenly happened to find her number just after you separated? If you believe that then I have a bridge to sell you. I think you know what is going on here, you just don't want to admit the truth. She is involved in an ongoing affair, either with this ex, or with someone else. I would bet my bottom dollar on it. She is showing all the classic signs of someone who is involved in an affair.

 

If I were you I'd get back into the house and your bed, and tell her that if she wants to save the marriage she better start being truthful RIGHT NOW, or else you will be filing for divorce TOMORROW.

 

Don't let her BS you any more.

[road]

WW never ask their BH to move out unless they have started an affair have the OM ready to move in and replace the BH.

 

 

Standard WW plan to keep the BH from interfering with her affair.

 

 

So your first mistake was to move out of the house. She wants a separation then tell her she can move out as you move back in.

 

 

Second mistake is to not do the above.

 

 

Also moving out screws you over legally in the divorce process, CS, custody, etc, because you abandoned the family.

 

 

So do you want to fight to save your marriage?

[KBarletta]

I agree with a lot of what PnP said. I would be highly suspicious that she is already seeing someone else. It may be the ex, may not, but if I were you I would take steps to try to find out the truth behind it. If she is lying to you, I don't see much hope for saving your marriage. I also agree that if she is the one who wants "space" she should be the one to move, or be sleeping on the couch.

 

If she is truly interested in trying to save your marriage, then suggest marriage counseling and see how she responds. Her response will tell you a lot about where her head and her heart really are regarding your relationship. If she is not open to that option, then I think she's already checked out and I would start to think about your options, talk to a lawyer, etc. Even if she says no to MC, then you can do individual counseling to help you through this tough time.

 

I wish you luck. It's a tough situation, especially with young children.

 

Hang in there, and keep posting.

[Satu]

She's checking out 'other options' before she finishes it completely with you.

 

Be very careful what you agree to, because you could end up in a very difficult position re the kids and divorce.

[Bdub]

Thanks for the input everyone. As far as the affair thing goes, it's unlikely. At least in the physical sense. We have 3 kids under 5 and she has so little spare time. But I do feel she maybe seeing what other options are out there. Also on the affair thing, she never asked me to be the one to move out. I simply didn't want to uproot the kids and throw to much change at them before we know for sure if we're going to definitely split.

I should probably have mentioned she has a few issues like bulimia, anxiety, mild depression. She gets down on herself a fair bit and says this is a big part of why she wants space for a while. I did mention marriage counselling and she said if after a few months we do both want to work things out, we'll talk about it then. Not very encouraging as I would have thought it would come before the break. So confused. Shes told me I'm over thinking it and to relax and hopefully it'll sort itself to a degree over time and then worry about fixing things.

I do think she has good intentions. This wasn't entirely out of the blue either since we haven't been as close for a while as we once were. The stress of having 3 young kids so close together plays a part I think. It's hard to find the time to have quality "us" time. I guess the thing that bothers me the most is I don't think she's being honest about other guys. I do strongly feel she's at least chatting to some.

[Marc878]

Thanks for the input everyone. As far as the affair thing goes, it's unlikely. At least in the physical sense. We have 3 kids under 5 and she has so little spare time. But I do feel she maybe seeing what other options are out there. Also on the affair thing, she never asked me to be the one to move out. I simply didn't want to uproot the kids and throw to much change at them before we know for sure if we're going to definitely split.

I should probably have mentioned she has a few issues like bulimia, anxiety, mild depression. She gets down on herself a fair bit and says this is a big part of why she wants space for a while. I did mention marriage counselling and she said if after a few months we do both want to work things out, we'll talk about it then. Not very encouraging as I would have thought it would come before the break. So confused. Shes told me I'm over thinking it and to relax and hopefully it'll sort itself to a degree over time and then worry about fixing things.

I do think she has good intentions. This wasn't entirely out of the blue either since we haven't been as close for a while as we once were. The stress of having 3 young kids so close together plays a part I think. It's hard to find the time to have quality "us" time. I guess the thing that bothers me the most is I don't think she's being honest about other guys. I do strongly feel she's at least chatting to some.

 

Famous last words you won't be the first to find out the truth later.

 

Check your phone bill.

[PegNosePete]

As far as the affair thing goes, it's unlikely.

You know, that's what they all say. Mostly they are wrong. Now maybe you're the one case in a thousand where the smoke doesn't necessarily mean there's fire... but there sure is a lot of smoke here.

 

I did mention marriage counselling and she said if after a few months we do both want to work things out, we'll talk about it then. Not very encouraging as I would have thought it would come before the break. So confused. Shes told me I'm over thinking it and to relax and hopefully it'll sort itself to a degree over time and then worry about fixing things.

I think she is buying time to line up her ducks. With you out of the picture she has plenty of space and time to line up her new life, with her new support structure, new home, and new man, ready for when the divorce hits the fan. She has no intention of doing MC and is saying whatever it takes to get you to back off, both physically and mentally.

 

the thing that bothers me the most is I don't think she's being honest about other guys. I do strongly feel she's at least chatting to some.

And a married woman doing that is "cheating", is it not? I would wager she's gone a lot further than chatting. But either way she IS cheating and if you want any hope of saving your marriage you need to find the truth.

 

Remember that cheaters lie, lie, lie to your face until the cows come home, so getting the truth may be very difficult or impossible, especially if you tip her off that you're suspicious. If she gets a hint of your suspicion she will take it right underground and you'll lose all hope of getting any real evidence. Suddenly all phone logs will go blank, messages will be deleted, she'll use a burner phone and constantly be checking for surveillance.

 

At this point I'd say you have 2 options:

 

1) Go stealthy ninja style. Check phone bills/logs. Get her phone password/code and go through it. Install a keylogger on her PC. VAR under her car seat or hidden in your living room when you're out. Do not let her know that you know. Just lay low and act like a doormat while you gather your evidence. This route will be long, slow, difficult and maybe expensive.

 

2) Bluff her. Tell her you know that she is cheating (a bluff). Tell her that you know exactly what is going on so she might as well be honest. Do not back down no matter what she says. Don't tell her how you know, tell her it's about what she's done, not about how you found out. Do not back down until you get to the bottom of it. This route is much quicker but requires balls of steel.

 

Good luck...

[Bdub]

I know from a outside perspective and without knowing my wife it seems logical from all I've said that she would have an affair and hide it from me. But I know my wife very well and it's not her style to keep large scale secrets. If she was doing more then chatting she wouldn't be able to hold back from telling me. She's direct.

In any case I made things clear tonight. This started with her asking for 3 months to sort /figure herself out. I was fine with that from the start. I'm a patient guy. The problem is that I can't get the thought of her straying out of my head so I can't give her space. So I told her she can have the time she wants but if anyone comes into the picture then she loses me for good and I'll never take her back. She wasn't impressed but I expected that. She got on bitchy and said very sarcastically "Oh yeah I've got them lining up. Every guy wants a solo mum with 3 kids who has no energy at the end of the day. I'm totally ready to saddle up!"

I think she's being honest in why she wants the time but but by me making my position clear I feel a weight lifted off my shoulders. She knows now that if she does decide to stray she loses me completely. Up to her for now what comes next. For better or worse. Guess I'll find out whether she actually wants in or out of our marriage for sure

[PegNosePete]

I know my wife very well and it's not her style to keep large scale secrets. If she was doing more then chatting she wouldn't be able to hold back from telling me.

Dude. They all say that, too. Cheaters are expert liars and actors.

 

You're pretty sure, or at least open to the possibility, that she's chatting to others. But did she tell you that? So much for direct and honest huh? If she's capable of hiding/lying about that (which IS STILL cheating no matter how much you seem to be diminishing it), then why isn't she capable of hiding/lying about other things? Sorry but I think you're in deep denial here.

 

She knows now that if she does decide to stray she loses me completely.

No, she knows that if you find out about her straying, she loses her backup plan (which is to deny everything and take you back saying she used her time apart to think about things and wants you after all). You've achieved nothing but to tip her off that she's being watched. Now you can expect the affair to go totally underground, and you'll probably never find any evidence, because she's gone into stealth mode...

[kgcolonel]

Would she allow you to see who and what she is chatting about on her phone....I realize this is likely an obvious question but it would go a long way to show you where her head is at the moment....

[PegNosePete]

Would she allow you to see who and what she is chatting about on her phone

Most likely she would now, since she knows OP suspects something, so she has probably cleaned out all incriminating evidence. She will happily show him her empty phone, to throw him off the trail.

 

Asking to see her phone may have worked if done as part of the conversation last night but I think that boat has now sailed.

[elaine567]

Thanks for the input everyone. As far as the affair thing goes, it's unlikely. At least in the physical sense. We have 3 kids under 5 and she has so little spare time. But I do feel she maybe seeing what other options are out there. Also on the affair thing, she never asked me to be the one to move out. I simply didn't want to uproot the kids and throw to much change at them before we know for sure if we're going to definitely split.

I should probably have mentioned she has a few issues like bulimia, anxiety, mild depression. She gets down on herself a fair bit and says this is a big part of why she wants space for a while. I did mention marriage counselling and she said if after a few months we do both want to work things out, we'll talk about it then. Not very encouraging as I would have thought it would come before the break. So confused. Shes told me I'm over thinking it and to relax and hopefully it'll sort itself to a degree over time and then worry about fixing things.

I do think she has good intentions. This wasn't entirely out of the blue either since we haven't been as close for a while as we once were. The stress of having 3 young kids so close together plays a part I think. It's hard to find the time to have quality "us" time. I guess the thing that bothers me the most is I don't think she's being honest about other guys. I do strongly feel she's at least chatting to some.

 

I think you need to talk to her seriously about fidelity during a separation/break. Too many assume "space" means time to mull over the marriage, whereas to others it is a pass to explore other options with other people.

When it is time to come back together, which can happen especially when kids are involved, then those "break up liaisons" with other people tend to scupper any reconciliations and can then kill the marriage stone dead.

Be clear at the start, so you know where you both stand.

 

BTW three kids under 5 is hell for any woman, totally physically and mentally exhausting.

[road]

Bdub, your story is not unique. I have seen it too many times through the years.

 

 

WW's do not get rid of their husband unless she has a new man lined up ready to replace her BH.

 

 

You are a BH. Stop living in denial. Others here are telling you the same thing. Your WW is having an affair.

 

 

Are you going to stay in denial or start to do some detective work?

[Mr. Lucky]

In any case I made things clear tonight. This started with her asking for 3 months to sort /figure herself out. I was fine with that from the start. I'm a patient guy. The problem is that I can't get the thought of her straying out of my head so I can't give her space. So I told her she can have the time she wants but if anyone comes into the picture then she loses me for good and I'll never take her back.

 

How will you know if she's talking to or seeing someone else, old BF included ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[justastatistic]

I know from a outside perspective and without knowing my wife it seems logical from all I've said that she would have an affair and hide it from me. But I know my wife very well and it's not her style to keep large scale secrets. If she was doing more then chatting she wouldn't be able to hold back from telling me. She's direct.

 

I wish I had a dollar for every time I read something like this here. Just to give you some perspective, my WW said she would NEVER have an affair, and if I did our marriage was over. And she kept saying these things during her affair.

 

I, too, wouldn't have believed my WW would cheat, but she did. The simple fact is that cheaters lie. If your wife isn't cheating or planning to cheat I will be very surprised. Why separate then unless she has already made up her mind to divorce and just wanted to get you out first? You can't work on your problems together if you're not living together and going to counseling.

[Marc878]

Separation has two uses usually.

 

More time for the lover or prep for divorce.

 

Usually more time for the lover