what are your reasons to NOT have children?

[Emilia]

What gets tricky for me is that I do 100 percent feel grateful that I was born, and feel that life is worth living despite its pain. So it feels a little weird to block the possibility of another new life that I'd hope would be just as rich.

 

A lot of that is social conditioning because society usually wants us to reproduce to keep it going. The ideal number changes, the Middle East is very young, they have social issues because of youth mass unemployment. Germany is dying because people don't have enough kids and society is aging. Britain is doing ok because immigrants have children.

 

It's an artificial construction. In the Middle East they could do with women like us to slow population growth they can't really feed. There is no right or wrong answer

[Phoenician]

All depends on how you got raised .

 

if you were raised by bad/selfish parents , you will hate children ; if you were raised in an environment like Midleast where male are considered the security backbone for women and family .

 

if you are raised in a house , where the mom sacrifice for her children , and the breadwinner is sacrificing a lot of his pleasures/ambitions to his family ;

 

which is the majority of people in Middle east ; you will end up wanting children.

[PrettyEmily77]

It's interesting that a number of people here are citing bad childhood experiences, esp. negative experiences with their parents, as their reason for not wanting kids themselves.

 

While the stories are sad, they do add to the argument of - Don't have kids unless you're certain you want them and certain you can provide them a loving, safe environment.

 

I had a sheltered childhood, raised by two kind, loving parents in a safe, drama-free environment and I'm pretty sure I could provide a safe environment as well. I just don't want to be a mother bad enough.

 

I'm a medic and spend a LOT of time covering for colleagues when their kids are sick or when they have specific family commitments (rugby matches when they should be on call, for instance) - I really love my job and don't think I'd be as dedicated to it with kids in toe. I know others manage fine but that's not a sacrifice I'd personally be happy to make.

[SoulCat]

I was raised by two loving, responsible, sensible and hard-working parents. I had a lovely, thoroughly middle-class upbringing.

 

I've also known from a very early age that motherhood was not for me. It was never so much of an actual decision to make for me, more of a realisation.

 

I do not like infants, babies or toddlers and like CarrieT, the whole idea of pregnancy and birth is abhorrent to me.

 

I guess in a way I've been lucky, I was born and raised in an era and society where I actually had the choice not to have kids.

 

Sure, I get the occasional raised eyebrow or pitying look, but other than that it's not really that much of a big deal.

 

 

My life, my body. My choice.

[Haydn]

All a personal choice.

 

Some people don`t want kids then they change their mind.

 

Some never want them so they never change their mind.

 

I had a loving but disruptive childhood and i never saw myself having kiddies.

 

Then they arrived!

 

Obviously you have to curtail certain activities, like getting smashed when you like.

 

And not being able to take them to the bookies.

 

But i do know a lot of people who would make cracking parents.

 

Also others who wouldn`t.

 

All a choice.

[Standard-Fare]

A lot of that is social conditioning because society usually wants us to reproduce to keep it going. The ideal number changes, the Middle East is very young, they have social issues because of youth mass unemployment. Germany is dying because people don't have enough kids and society is aging. Britain is doing ok because immigrants have children.

 

It's an artificial construction. In the Middle East they could do with women like us to slow population growth they can't really feed. There is no right or wrong answer

 

I'm not talking about a desire to continue this miraculous "chain of life" circle that I'm a part of, or to play my role in replenishing the human population.

 

I'm saying that, at the end of the day, I find life itself to be a rich, amazing, and valuable experience. And I'm not an idealist, an optimist, or even happy half of the time, and like everyone I've had my difficulties. I don't think life is a cakewalk for anybody; I think there's pain and struggle and the world itself can be a f*cked up place.

 

But when I look squarely at life, I'm glad I've had it, as opposed to ... being nothing, if that makes sense. (Ugh, this is getting metaphysical.) So I guess there's a part of me that recognizes I have the ability to create another human life that would be just as rich, and not doing that is a waste of that potential.

 

I realize there are (so many) people who have experienced more misfortune and tragedy and struggle than me who would arrive at a different conclusion - that life isn't worth it. But a lot of these people have children anyway!

[minimariah]

I just never really wanted them.

 

was there ever any particular - deeper - reason...?

 

also - question for everyone... was there ever any moment in your life where you thought about HAVING kids but decided against it after all? what was the KEY moment when you realized it REALLY won't happen for you?

 

By the time I was married, it was too late.

 

if you married your husband earlier in life - do you think you'd have children?

 

They ask me who will look after me when I am old, I tell them the same nurse as them when their kids dump them in a home.

 

don't apologize for rambling! LoL. ramble all you want, i'm super happy so many of you decided to reply.

 

and yeah - i think one of the greatest reasons that folks decide to have children is fear of being totally alone and not having anyone of your own.

 

I NEVER wanted children for a variety of reasons; I was raised by an alcoholic who was also the child of an alcoholic. I had a horrific adolescence involving multiple molestations and rapes and I never wanted the chance of inflicting upon a child that which was inflicted upon me.

 

Carrie, i'm so sorry! sending virtual hugs to you & other posters who had to go through the same horrible experience. question -- do you think you'd want/have children if your childhood was a happy one?

 

The only difference that occurred for me was that I met and married someone in my very late 40s that made me a stepmom of some teenagers.

 

wow, this is interesting! when you first met your husband - how did you feel about him having children? now that you're a stepmom - did that confirm that your decision was a right one?

 

I disagree that they are conflicted. Like myself, they have been pretty steadfast in this.

 

i agree with you - BUT -- majority did have a "idk what to do" moment at some point... from my experience. and after that moment, the decision to NOT have kids became certain. i know very few folks who were always so sure of their decision to not have children... most do wonder through various phases of life; that's why i'm surprised at how many ladies are absolutely sure of it on this thread.

Edited March 16, 2016 by minimariah

[minimariah]

I actually felt that desire--to create a child in the image of that one person I'm in love with.

 

burnt!

 

how do you feel about having children NOW? did anything change? what happens if you meet The Right One again?

 

I cannot speak on this from a personal side. ( I have two sons).

 

Tayla, what were your reasons for having kids?

[minimariah]

I do not like infants, babies or toddlers and like CarrieT, the whole idea of pregnancy and birth is abhorrent to me.

 

did you ever think about adopting older children?

[SoulCat]

did you ever think about adopting older children?

 

 

Occasionally when you see kids on TV (think Comic or Sport Relief) I think 'Sure, I probably could give this kid a better life'. But that sentiment is more of an altruistic expression of wanting to put a stop to someone's suffering.

 

 

In the cold light of day? No.

[Tayla]

 

Tayla, what were your reasons for having kids?

 

It was an innate desire. Ever since I can remember.

 

If I may be so kind as to recite the words of Gibran, He spoke it well:

 

'Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you,

And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts.

For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.

The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.

Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;

For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.'

[Emilia]

I remember at the age of 19 my much older boyfriend telling me how I would change my mind about not wanting kids

 

Then being with my ex husband for 10 years and him wanting them while I didn't. It has always been that way. Of course I contemplated why I was so sure, small kids don't annoy me but it's a no brainer. I've never dated men that have children and I'm 43, you can imagine how that has restricted my dating pool. It's just a complete blindspot. It's like lots of women would never contemplate dunno.... travelling on their own in Africa. It's just something they know they wouldn't do and don't even consider. That level of certainty

[Emilia]

I'm not talking about a desire to continue this miraculous "chain of life" circle that I'm a part of, or to play my role in replenishing the human population.

 

I'm saying that, at the end of the day, I find life itself to be a rich, amazing, and valuable experience. And I'm not an idealist, an optimist, or even happy half of the time, and like everyone I've had my difficulties. I don't think life is a cakewalk for anybody; I think there's pain and struggle and the world itself can be a f*cked up place.

 

But when I look squarely at life, I'm glad I've had it, as opposed to ... being nothing, if that makes sense. (Ugh, this is getting metaphysical.) So I guess there's a part of me that recognizes I have the ability to create another human life that would be just as rich, and not doing that is a waste of that potential.

 

I realize there are (so many) people who have experienced more misfortune and tragedy and struggle than me who would arrive at a different conclusion - that life isn't worth it. But a lot of these people have children anyway!

 

I love my life and I have done well for myself (largely because I don't have kids) but I don't feel I should convert one of my eggs into an embrio and a human to give it a chance. I produce millions of eggs in a lifetime, what difference would it make to have one of them survive?

[jen1447]

was there ever any particular - deeper - reason...?

 

Not really, aside from the thing I mentioned earlier about recklessness.

[GunslingerRoland]

All the socialising you have to do with parents you would never want to talk to out of choice. Bleh, no thanks.

 

As a parent, I'm just curious about this one... I mean I've had to deal with many people in my life who I probably wouldn't have talked to out of choice... but I'm not sure parenthood has increased that in any significant way?

 

 

Most of the people I socialize with are the same people I socialized with before I had kids.

[jen1447]

As a parent, I'm just curious about this one... I mean I've had to deal with many people in my life who I probably wouldn't have talked to out of choice... but I'm not sure parenthood has increased that in any significant way?

 

 

Most of the people I socialize with are the same people I socialized with before I had kids.

 

I think she means the amount you'd have to interact w/parents if you had kids, whether it be them as defacto babysitters or just giving them the amount of access to their grandchildren they're entitled to.

 

I get it - I like my BF's parents well enough for example but I really have no desire to see them more than a handful of times a year. If we had kids I assume I'd be seeing them at least a handful of times every month.

[GunslingerRoland]

Oh okay, I took it to mean that she thinks parents have to talk to whatever other person happens to be a parent. Whether they want to or not.

 

 

Which would be like me assuming that people who don't have kids, have to go talk to every other person who doesn't have kids whether they want to or not.

[Madame_Noire]

 

also - question for everyone... was there ever any moment in your life where you thought about HAVING kids but decided against it after all? what was the KEY moment when you realized it REALLY won't happen for you?

 

 

I was babysitting one of my friends babies, the baby would not stop screaming. It distressed the cat! We were looking after him for about 4 hours. It was a bloody nightmare! Thank goodness for online catch-up TV. This was a good 5 years ago. I could not wait for his mother to come back to collect him! I recommend anyone who is on the fence about having kids to baby sit a child that is not even a year old! Plus, my OH's mother used to show up at our home unnanounced alot and she is very loud - she has a loud voice and does not know how to speak with a in a quiet tone. She also has an opinion on everything and comment on how the other children in the family behave or how are raised. Imagine if I had a baby and trying to get it to sleep and she shows up and there will be a loud of commotion?!!

 

So, evidently, I really cherish serenity, peace and quiet!!

[Emilia]

As a parent, I'm just curious about this one... I mean I've had to deal with many people in my life who I probably wouldn't have talked to out of choice... but I'm not sure parenthood has increased that in any significant way?

 

 

Most of the people I socialize with are the same people I socialized with before I had kids.

 

I mean the people you meet through your children. They become friends with little Tom, Dick and Harry so naturally as you want the best for your kids, you have to be on good terms with any mouth breathing idiot. Most parents I know throw parties for their kids, go to others' parties, the parents' social life is most definitely affected.

 

You also lose some of the friends you would have as childfree. It's natural.

[Emilia]

I think she means the amount you'd have to interact w/parents if you had kids, whether it be them as defacto babysitters or just giving them the amount of access to their grandchildren they're entitled to.

 

I get it - I like my BF's parents well enough for example but I really have no desire to see them more than a handful of times a year. If we had kids I assume I'd be seeing them at least a handful of times every month.

 

Oh okay, I took it to mean that she thinks parents have to talk to whatever other person happens to be a parent. Whether they want to or not.

 

 

Which would be like me assuming that people who don't have kids, have to go talk to every other person who doesn't have kids whether they want to or not.

 

No it's not what I meant but I guess that's true too. Imagine if you are not crazy about your in-laws (fairly common), how much more time you would spend together. Especially if the kids as cousins liked each other.

[GorillaTheater]

Imagine if you are not crazy about your in-laws (fairly common), how much more time you would spend together. Especially if the kids as cousins liked each other.

 

 

The strongest argument for childlessness I've heard yet.

[Emilia]

The strongest argument for childlessness I've heard yet.

 

You have my sympathies. My aunt was absolutely crazy and everyone hated her. Ditto a couple of my grandparents (not on the same side).

[RecentChange]

While a bad childhood may be a reason for someone to choose not to have children, its far from the only reason.

 

I don't know why I made this choice so early in life to tell you the truth! I feel like its almost like sexual identity for some. I just knew it.

 

Despite a divorce, I had a pretty wonderful childhood. My dad was an extremely dedicated father, spent tons of time with me, worked hard, provided a middle upper class home (and come on, even got me a pony when I was 9 - I was spoiled!)

 

As for differences regarding children in the Middle East, I think there are multiple cultural factors at play. More "community" raising of children, less social freedom for women etc. The one guy who I have heard express an extreme desire for children more than any other man I have met was from Iran. He said how he just LOVED children, and couldn't wait to have his own.

[GunslingerRoland]

I mean the people you meet through your children. They become friends with little Tom, Dick and Harry so naturally as you want the best for your kids, you have to be on good terms with any mouth breathing idiot. Most parents I know throw parties for their kids, go to others' parties, the parents' social life is most definitely affected.

 

You also lose some of the friends you would have as childfree. It's natural.

 

And see as a parent I don't really see that. If I'm friends with the parents, then I'll stay as a birthday party and socialize with them. If not, they are an acquaintance and I don't feel the need to be friends with them.

 

 

I guess for me, by my age, 95% of the people I know have had kids... and while I haven't lost any of the friends that are childfree, I'd probably feel more shut out, if I didn't have kids.

[Emilia]

I guess for me, by my age, 95% of the people I know have had kids... and while I haven't lost any of the friends that are childfree, I'd probably feel more shut out, if I didn't have kids.

But that's because your social circle has grown based on your kids as your lifestyle is tied to them. I'm 43 and most of my friends have no kids, this is because I meet people in the evenings mostly or during weekends away. It's not something you can do because it's not like you'll have a babysitter 3 x a week or for full weekends. Not having kids has allowed me to keep young interests and young friends.